That's cool I'll just take a race tee instead.The local police department and a Presbyterian church in Pooler, Georgia, are never-forgetting September 11 this year by co-hosting the Pooler 5K, a race and “Family Fun Mile Run” to benefit the Warriors in Transition unit of injured soldiers at the nearby Ft. Stewart army post. The runner with the fastest time wins a Daniel Defense M4 rifle — which, according to the gun’s official web page, is “built to redefine the benchmark in small arms performance” and offers “out of the box tactical supremacy.” And it’s made in the USA!

Click here to watch a short film in which Earnest McRifles, a very serious actor dressed in a Daniel Defense-branded polo shirt and sunglasses, shoots off his M4 and talks about its features in some sort of fancy firearm lingo-speak. There is also a scene in which a soldier wanders around with his M4 looking for The Enemy or whatever, which suggests that this model comes in handy whenever you’re fending for yourself in some dangerous war zone area (the mall parking lot).

It’s also a good gun to take to celebrations, apparently. “We need this for parties out here,” a lady wrote on the race’s Facebook page. She must be really mad at those people who only ever bring chips and salsa to potlucks.

The winner has to be at least 18 years old and pass all the feds’ laws to actually git the gun. The top three winners in each age group get trophies, which is lame. But still not as lame as having to actually get up off your ass and burn calories for your gun in the first place. In other American towns, all you have to do to win a gun is shoot a target or donate some money or get a haircut. [Pooler 5K web page/Daniel Defense web page/Pooler 5K Facebook page]

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  • ellemme

    Tactical supremacy right off the bat, biotches.

  • Serolf Divad
  • comicbookguy

    We need guns like that to defend our parking spaces against the mooslin invasion, per say.

  • JMP

    This is my rifle. There are many others like it, but this one is mine. My rifle is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my rifle is useless. Without my rifle, I am useless. I must fire my rifle true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy, who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will. Before God I swear this creed: my rifle and myself are defenders of my country, we are the masters of our enemy, we are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace. Amen.

  • prizepig

    They’re going to be SO PISSED when a Kenyan wins the race.

  • Hallux Valgus

    hooray for my tip! It’s too bad they keep deleting my facebook comments

  • just pixels

    This is the same make/model/caliber that Jesus used during the little-known miracle of the semi-auto outside Jericho. Unfortunately, back then the local police were not as supportive of Second Amendment rights as today. The local temple was not as supportive either. Which got him in a lot of trouble. His homily to “love thy neighbor, but use 7.62mm ammo” grew out of that experience.

    (BTW: I think that woman meant they needed that gun for their charming tea rope necktie parties.)

  • mookworthjwilson

    Hmmm…if anyone finishes this 5k in less than a half hour, I will be surprised…

  • SpikeyDog

    Is this the same model that Jesus uses?

  • comicbookguy

    [re=646150]prizepig[/re]: WIN. You should get an official wonkette “assault rifle” for that.


    I’m gonna find the fastest Muslim track athlete in Georgia and pay him or her to enter that race just so I can see the look on the faces of the Pooler Presbyterians and PD when they have to hand a rifle to a Muslim on September 11th.

  • Baldar T Flagass

    [re=646150]prizepig[/re]: Especially if he’s a Kenyan MOOSLIM!!!1!

  • gurukalehuru

    Redefine it, hell…just shoot the fuck out of it.

  • just pixels

    [re=646159]SpikeyDog[/re]: Well, at least I won the race to connect this to Jesus ;)

  • Aunt Fancy

    This is a PCA Presbyterian church not PCUSA…whew. I was wondering wtf a PCUSA church would be doing involved in something like this.

  • ella

    With all the redneck shotgun weddings in Georgia, it’s a very practical prize. It can even be handed down through generations as needed.

  • Doglessliberal

    Bummer, 5Ks not my distance. If this were a half marathon, I might have a chance among this portion of the population. That being said, as [re=646155]mookworthjwilson[/re]: noted, among this portion of the population, I might have a chance at a 5K.

  • steverino247

    [re=646148]JMP[/re]: True dat.

    The other good quote, very relevent here, is “Don’t run, you’ll only die tired!”

  • slappypaddy

    it was the rear swing-swivel attachment point that got my blood pumping.

    [re=646166]BOOBIES![/re]: they might hand it over bullets first.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Well hell, I ain’t gonna get up and run for no gun. Imma doing it the old-fashioned American way, savin’ up a little bit every month from mah gummint disability checks.

  • President Beeblebrox

    Daniel Defense, FTW! Their website is helping the Teabagger “Restore Gerunds To Our National Dialogue” effort that Glenn Beck started – “DEFENDING OUR NATION” and “PROTECTING OUR HOMES {against Teh Nigras and Teh Muslins}”.

    [re=646179]Aunt Fancy[/re]: Yeah, I had a girlfriend in college who was PCA and very adamant that they were NOT PCUSA, and she seethed every time we drove past a PCUSA church. She was very conservative and very much into saddlebacking, which is a story for another time.

  • President Beeblebrox

    [re=646148]JMP[/re]: This is for shootin’, this is for fun.

  • V572625694

    [re=646148]JMP[/re]: This is my rifle
    This is my gun
    One is for fighting
    One if for fun

  • Lucky2130

    I wonder how many fat, sausage eating fuckers will have a heart attack and die trying to win that killin machine. Maybe all of them?

  • Johnny Zhivago

    As a Presbyterian, I must point out that…

    That church is “Presbyterian Church in America” (PCA) – these are the crazy ones – this is not the REAL Presbyterian Church (USA).

  • Baldar T Flagass

    [re=646204]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: Judean People’s Front! We’re The People’s Front of
    Judea! Judean People’s Front, God! Listen, the only people we hate more than the Romans, are the fucking Judean People’s Front. And the Judean Popular People’s Front!

  • Tim

    [re=646150]prizepig[/re]: Damnit! beat me to it!

  • Mr Blifil

    This is my rifle
    This is my penis

    Aw shoot I fucked it up.

  • steverino247

    [re=646193]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Having looked up saddlebacking, no, you’ll have to tell us now!

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=646153]just pixels[/re]: Jesus will be very disappointed that this thing uses the 5.56 round, which can stop a hamster — if you shoot it three or four times.

  • One Yield Regular

    [re=646150]prizepig[/re]: I would be *SO* willing to contribute to a pool to entice Duncan “Rasta” Kibet to run.

  • Johnny Zhivago

    [re=646211]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: Exactly… When the PCUSA was formed, the PCA split off because they didn’t cotton to all the stuff about wimmen bein’ as good as the menfolk and some of that thar civil rights mumblygooglegop…

    We knew nothing about the difference until we attended a christening at a PCA church (we just thought is was another Presbyterian). After 3 HOURS (!) of listening to what ammounted to a promo for Mel Gibson movies, our faces were cringing to the point of permanent facial damage.

    To start with PCA doesn’t ordain women (they ARE allowed to bake cookies and watch screaming babies) and a whole lot of other major differences.

  • Extemporanus


    Will Governor Paterson be firing the starter pistol?

  • Extemporanus

    [re=646150]prizepig[/re]: Bullseye.

    [re=646193]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Fuck you have against non-finite verb forms, huh fella?

  • PineyWoodster


    It’s all about shot placement, Wook.

    According to their website, the rifle goes for $1500.

    Heck with that, I’ll buy three AK47’s for that price.

  • bago

    Call me a pussy, but I find my best running is done when running AWAY from guns, not for them.

  • S.Luggo

    After the race, the winner will be allowed to hunt brown-hued illegals from a helicopter (used previously to help bag them pesky, pesky Alaskan wolves.)

    Q: Is ammo included? Must know.

  • GoinGreen

    [re=646148]JMP[/re]: Who said this?
    “The more I see of Arabs the less I think of them. By having studied them a good deal I have found out the trouble. They are the mixture of all the bad races on earth, and they get worse from west to east, because the eastern ones have had more crosses.”

    (a) W
    (b) Patton
    (c) Michael Enright
    (d) all of the above

  • President Beeblebrox

    [re=646232]steverino247[/re]: Heh, well, she thought that sex the normal way was sinful & she was saving herself for marriage, yet she wanted to saddleback as “punishment” every time she did something wrong, which ended (har har) up being quite a bit. And yeah, she was a rabidly conservative PCA member from a rabidly conservative part of the country.

    I was saddlebacking before saddlebacking was cool.

    But hell, I was only 18 at the time…

  • Neilist

    $1500 for another M4/M16 “clone” with absolutely NOTHING out-of-the-ordinary/unique in terms of features?


    Let the Kenyans have it. Assuming those swift little West African fuckers want it . . . although the winner probably could get those Bible-Bangers to pay a grand-and-a-half for such a P.O.S.

  • transfatz

    [re=646424]Neilist[/re]: Well said. Thanks for weighing in on this. I thought you would. All of the households here have a small collection of practical, useful and relatively inexpensive firearms. This “rifle” does not look like one of those. Most people here edge away sideways when someone shows them something like this. “Really I have to go now…”

  • Captain Swing

    “The top three winners in each age group get trophies…” Nah. Once that rather athletic looking dude with the sweaty head band, the buzz-cut, the tattoos and the really scary look in his eyes crosses the line first and gets his hands on that bad boy, the only other ‘prizes’ given out will be made of lead. Oo-Rah!

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