I am the master of my fate, I am the master of my portion sizeIf you follow American politics and you have a soul, one of your least favorite phrases is some variation of “forced down our throats.” This is generally used to imply that some law or regulation has gone into effect as a result of an election in which the winning side received 52 to 56 percent of the vote, as typical in a democratic system (e.g., “This health care reform has been rammed down our throats”). It is occasionally hilarious when it involves gayness (e.g., “The tyrannical courts are shoving gay marriage down our throats”) because it makes it clear how much the speaker thinks about hot cocks and the deep-throating thereof. But it’s almost never used in a political context to describe the sorts of things that might actually enter a person’s throat (i.e., food) — until one brave teabagger candidate for the Montana legislature dared speak out against this communist “healthy eating” craze.

Kristi Allen-Gailushas is running for state office in Montana, and she’s got something to say! And so she has chosen the official American soapbox: a long, rambling letter to the editor of her local free weekly newspaper, the Queen City News. In the midst of her extensive rant about the tyranny of the new proposed local school curriculum, there is this amazing paragraph:

The section about nutrition is not the responsibility of the school to teach. This is something taught in the home. The proponents like to say our schoolchildren are obese. By whose standards? Every child is different. Kids are short, tall, skinny or bigger. Who sets the standards for obesity? Whose business is it if some kids are a little overweight? They also want to teach proper portion size in a meal. Who sets those standards? This is no one’s business to teach outside of the home. I am tired of health and nutrition being forced down our throats day in and day out. If I want to take myself and my family to eat pizza four times a week and have McDonald’s the other three days of the week, that is no one’s business but my own.

Yes, Kristi, Michelle Obama would like nothing more than to come to your home, where you teach your family about how McNuggets are fucking delicious, and literally force health and nutrition down your throat, in the form of arugula and other fancy foods that aren’t made entirely out of processed corn byproducts. They also set the portion size standards tyrannically, so that every American will be forced to eat meals that are no larger than a quarter, like at a comical French restaurant in a sitcom.

Anyway, Allen-Gailushas is also predictably incensed about a new sex ed curriculum (“in second grade, kids are taught not to make fun of people by calling them ‘gay’ or ‘queer'” — MORE PRECIOUS FREEDOMS UNDER ATTACK), so maybe she’s also using “forced down our throats” in the “hot cocks” sense as well. (Except she’s a lady, so that wouldn’t be gay? Hmm.) [Queen City News/KXLH via Montana Cowgirl]

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  1. Funny thing, but teaching nutrition in the school does not actually prohibit Ms. Allen-Gailushas from forcing pizza and McDonalds meals down her kids’ throats.

  2. Why you libruls allways tryin’ to face rape my young’uns with yer fancy greens and sex fer kids education? Just leave us be, my woman likes my gut and he-tits and I likes sexin’ her side rolls.

  3. Maybe she’d be more amenable to school-based nutrition education if someone told her that it would require less of her gubmint-stolen money to go to socialized medicine. You know…she being someone who’s a fan of the teabagging and all…

  4. This story reminds me of a funny joke I once heard about someone who went to a French restaurant and said that they went in hungry and came out starving.

  5. And who’s been shoving this seven-day week thing down our throats? Why, if I want to tell my kids the week is nine days long, and has a Floobsday and a Crupday in it, nobody’s gonna stop me.

  6. I didn’t realize the potato chip lobby was so powerful in Montana. ‘Lays chips in every vending machine in the public schools’ would be an awesome campaign slogan.

  7. Why, again, did we reject the idea of death panels? Question 1: “Do you think portion control is a conspiracy to keep you healthy and away from juvenile diabetes?” “That’s socialist. Who sets those standards? By the way, who sets the standards for a hospital gurney or operating tables?”

  8. But who will fight the terrorists then? I’m sorry, 300-pound lumbering U.S. soldiers aren’t going to stand a chance against svelte, fit johnny jihad.

  9. I’m wondering if this is a possible insight into why one of the cliches of American homophobia, the conviction that gay couples with kids will certainly “teach the gay” to their children, is held dear by goobers on the right. Ms. Allen-Gailushas is simply arguing that her people, the obese, be permitted to teach their lifestyle/food-culture to their own children without government interference. If it seems reasonable to her that it is her right to teach her own bad eating habits to her kids then it would also seem likely to her that gay couples would feel that it’s within their rights to teach their kids the fine points of the homosexual agenda. But while Jesus does approve of pizza and McDonald’s He certainly doesn’t approve of homosexuality…you know, so long as you don’t ask too many questions about that Apostle John and his strangely close relationship to the Messiah.

  10. The proponents like to say our schoolchildren are obese. By whose standards?

    By the standards that xxxxl is not generally found in the 12 year old dept.? By the standards that you could land Air Force One on your kids ass and still have room for a marching band?

    Am I getting close here?

  11. [re=645261]Joshua Norton[/re]: by the standards that your poor kid has the diabeetus and the scale lets out a yelp when Little Fattie steps on it..

  12. If I want to teach the kids that pizza and big macs together make a nutritious meal, and you can lose weight by guzzling heavy corn syrup, then that’s my right, and I don’t want the socialist schools contradicting me!

    If Obama’s fer it, then I’m agin’ it! And that includes the “eating vegetables” commie crap. You know who else ate vegetables? That’s right.

  13. [re=645225]PrimlyStable[/re]: Yes, she missed a rare opportunity to correctly use the phrase “literally rammed down our throats”! Of course, the correct grammatical formulation often loses much of its rhetorical impact, e.g. “I’m tired of having gay marriage figuratively rammed down our throats”…

  14. “If I want to take myself and my family to eat pizza four times a week and have McDonald’s the other three days of the week, that is no one’s business but my own.”

    Who the hell actually says this kind of thing? Guess what ButterBall, we’ll all end up paying for your willful nutritional ignorance. When Flubber Jr and his sister Tubbie need 13 different medications to manage their fat-enclosed heart, WE ALL PAY FOR IT.
    Why would anyone be against their kids getting some nutritional tips that would be good for the entire family? Oh yeah–Teabaggers pride themselves on their salt and corn syrup intake. The higher up the fanny-pack sits, the easier it is to access.

    (She’s whining about this but I bet she’s the first to complain about cramped seats on airlines and how ‘there oughta be a law’ providing bigger fatass seating)

  15. “If I want to take myself and my family to eat pizza four times a week and have McDonald’s the other three days of the week, that is no one’s business but my own.”

    Thatta girl Kristi – take your fat slobby kids to the fast food restaurants and feed them all the slop they can hold. When the little porkers develop diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, etc. don’t come looking for any of our socialist, government health care. Instead, roll their fat asses home and pray for them because that’s what Jeebus would do.

  16. I say let these idiots cram themselves full of corn and soybean derived poison until they are too fat to waddle anywhere without the benefit of a Rascal and an SUV. Their minds are full of poison, so I don’t see why we should be encouraging them to adopt behavior that increases their chance of survival when Ragnorok begins. Fuck ’em. Natural selection at work–stupid should be fatal.

    I plan on using Mjollnir to crush a few of their fat skulls as it is (obviously this is a metaphor for voting).

  17. [re=645271]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: Looks like Newt Gingrich with a wig. Rudeee makes a better looking woman & that’s saying something.

  18. Actually, “ram it down our throats” is always pretty funny to me. My most hated phrases are “at the end of the day” and “boots on the ground”

  19. From the letter she wrote to the editor, regarding sex education:

    “…I have three daughters, ages 15, 12, and 6. I have had “the talk” with two of them. The topic of sex, even when talked about one-on-one with their mother, was embarrassing to them and made them feel uncomfortable. Yet the school board thinks that it is not a big deal to teach this in a mixed classroom with both boys and girls being taught by someone the children barely know…”

    I see. If they don’t like it when Mommy or Daddy brings up the subject, kids are certainly not going to want to discuss it among their friends. Once again, porn is called upon to solve a problem.

  20. She haz a sad that all her comfort food causes serious disease.
    She nurtures her kids with chocolate chip cookies and cannot bear to think she is doing any harm by exploiting their emotions with HFCS.

    Keep fuckin that corn syrup steroid drenched chicken.
    Just watch out for the inevitable heart attack.

  21. After a night of pizza and burgers, I give my kids tequila so they will sleep soundly at night and not wake up when I…um…

    That’s no one’s business but my own.

  22. Mock her now, because she will be enjoying the eternal all-you-can eat deep fried burger buffet with Jesus in heaven while you skinny libs are roasting forever in hell with Satan’s razor-studded dildos forced down your gay-friendly throats.

  23. [re=645289]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: On the other hand, learning about sex in the backseat of a car from somebody you barely know? Half drunk on a bottle of cheap, sweet wine? Down with that.

  24. [re=645289]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: She doesn’t understand that the reason her kids are uncomfortable talking about it with her one-on-one is 1) they don’t want to think about Mom and Dad doing it and 2) because they are terrified that if they show too much interest of curiosity then Mom will go all Piper-Laurie-in-Carrie on them.

    Besides, I’m not sure that parents are the best people to be teaching their kids about sex. Most of those kids only exist because Mom and Dad couldn’t figure out how to use birth control properly.

  25. She’s bit sensitive that her kids have been entered into the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade four years in a row.

    Kristi believes that good nutrition should be taught at home, not school. This is why at the Allen-Gailushas house each meal of fried chicken and pork rinds is topped off with an oil drum of Chunky Monkey. Even the hyphen in her name must weigh about eighty pounds.

  26. The proponents like to say our schoolchildren are obese. By whose standards?

    That would be the American Medical Association, my dear.

    But to you main point, have you considered home-schooling little Butterball and Lazylump instead?

  27. Let’s see schools should not teach: nutrition, biology (or anything ’bout evilution or that sex thing), physics (cause of that ghey libtard conspiracy relativity), chemistry (they could learn to make drugs or bombs), anything negative about slavery, anything but praise for the heroes of the Confederacy like KKK founder Nathan Bedford Forrest, absolutely nothing about Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee or similar tomes that question America’s honest injun treatment of the original inhabitants, any maths beyond ‘rithmatic, and any art other than Thomas Kinkaid and pitchurs of white Prezidents on white horses or, of course, Jebus. Did I miss any?

  28. The U.S. Army has stated that the growing childhood/teen obesity problem is cutting into their ability to recruit troops. If Ms. Bottle Blonde was any kind of patriot, she’d have her kids eating healthy and exercising 24/7 so they could join the Army and kill Muslins for Christ.

  29. [re=645329]WIDTAP[/re]: Also by the standards of the fucking chair that just buckled under their weight in kindergarten.

    Yes, Kristi, you certainly have the right to stuff your kids full of Tombstone Rising Crusts every single night.

    And my kids will have the right to call them Fatty Fatty Fat Fat when they’re gasping and sweating from the effort of velcroing their shoes.

  30. Would someone point out to this bitch that back in the halcyon (hey–is that right word for when things were perfect, or is my screaming sinus headache causing me to confuse it with sleeping pills I like?) days of the 50s and 60s, all girls had to take Home Ec in 7th. grade and all boys, shop. I made an A+ in foods, where we learned about nutrition, how to set a table and table manners and how to make biscuits. In made a B in Family Life where we learned how to provide a healthy, nurturing environment (and not to wash our hair during our period or, if we did, dry it quickly). (I’m not making up that last one, btw.) We won’t go into my grade in sewing. Is still hate crafts, like sewing buttons onto my clothes when the buttons come off.

  31. [re=645289]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Obvs. Kids need to learn sex from porn, and in the streets, the way we learned it. Even if though they’ll learn some things completely wrong, it’s still better that way, amirite?

  32. Wait, I used to work with this woman! Or, maybe her twin. Except she had very very short hair and went by a gender-ambiguous nickname. Boy, I forgot about those days.

    Where was I? Oh yeah. “Who sets those standards?” Um, nutritionists . . . scientists. I know, I know, evil people.

    Personally, I’m getting a little pissed off about the health care bill. Without a serious overhaul of our national food safety and nutrition, it is just another massive scam of privatizing profit while socializing losses. Honestly, given how rampant cluelessness causes 80% of chronic disease, shouldn’t we have just skipped the health care debate and banned high fructose corn syrup and salt in process foods and tackled the problem before it began? The fact that I get to pay for this douche and her family’s 14 heart attacks and 5 strokes before the lot of them finally kick the bucket depresses me no end. Heart attacks are a bloody 50k a pop in expenses, minimum. I’d much rather pay for some inner city kid to go to college with a live-in tutor/nanny than pay for this dickwad’s food sucking habit, thank you.

  33. [re=645360]Katydid[/re]: [re=645338]S.Luggo[/re]: [re=645325]MissyLissa[/re]: PARENTS AREN’T SUPPOSED TO KNOW A GODDAM THING ABOUT SEX. ASK ANY KID.

  34. [re=645366]Darkness[/re]: At the pool store in Stillwater, I somehow was included in a discussion about Mexico Joe’s all-you-can-eat taco night. Just $6!!! I evidently didn’t sound excited enough, so the fat lady standing alongside me gave me a hard sell about how good it was. .

    Maybe you don’t have these all you can eat places in the developed states. Too bad. Any time you need incentive to eat healthily, just get a table and watch the obese people with overflowing plates waddle away from the feeding troughs. It kills my appetite every time.

  35. [re=645332]weejee[/re]: Speaking of the liberal atheist relativity conspiracy, I haven’t seen Brick oven Bill since our clowning of him over that. Did he get himself banhammered, or did the mockery finally run him off?

  36. Advertisements > Education for many Americans… the easy, instant comfort that comes from junk foods leads to distrust for less popular (and often more expensive in some supermarkets) nutritious options that involve food preparation… even if it’s merely twenty minutes to cook something up.

    There are products out there that sell convenience on such a micro level that we are encouraged to run our lives at the immediate path of least resistance (cheap, quick)… even when the long-term consequences from these are deadly for us and people we love.

    It’s a choice of responsibility… something perfectly appropriate for education. If other aspects of choices we make for our bodies about health (drugs, sex, exercise) are taught in schools, why would nutrition be excluded?

    Why would she care? It seems pretty simple based on her other objections in education. It’s because this woman doesn’t want her shitty parenting and life choices criticized.

  37. [re=645397]DustBowlBlues[/re]: That reminds me of the time my family stayed at a hotel in rural Ohio on the way to Ohio, and went to their restaurant. It turned out to be buffet night, and it seemed the whole town was there. Oh, the potbellies and the mullets…

    I wish you were kidding about the Iowa caucus = fat Americans thing. Our primary system is seriously fucked up.

  38. Josh, on what do you you base your observation, “she’s a lady”? The person in the photograph shows no evidence of femininity and looks more like a lumberjack in drag than anything else. There is clearly razor chafe where “Kristi” has shaved between the eyebrows. The statements to the press are as unladylike as can be. If in fact female (the “Allen” in there makes me suspicious), she looks more like a hastily cleaned-up wino than a lady, and her mushbrained exhortations reinforce that impression. How’s about, “except she’s a wetbrain”? I’m sure she must have strong appeal to the segments of Montana society that think the Holy Trinity is guns, alcohol and driving in combination, but she ain’t no lady.

  39. I think that’s all fine, as long as she waives her right to govt supported health care such as medicare when her and her family become obesity related drains on the health care system.

  40. [re=645299]DC Hates Me[/re]: Fucking hell!! The teeth on that dude!!! Oy! Guess he didn’t get hisself a good edjimication so’s he could get hisself a good enough job that pervides dental. But Lord be praised, he ain’t no poor, takin a soshulist handout from the gov’mint!

  41. [re=645397]DustBowlBlues[/re]: It’s like that Twilight Zone episode where the agriculture industrial complex was lacing all the processed foods with a chemical to mess with people’s dopamine receptors to make them feel sad and worthless unless they stuff themselves with increasingly more food. And just a handful of gardeners at the end were screaming: Use a cookbook! Use a cookbook!

    Wait, that wasn’t a real episode. But it’s still like that.

  42. God damn this seacow is dumb! I began reading her idiotic screed until she wrote about “climategate” or whatever stupid bullshit that wingnuts like to call it. At the point where she claimed that findings were doctored which was NOT shown to have occured as if it was an inscrutible fact was when I quit reading. Who are these people and why have we not harpooned the obese ones and harvested their liver oil to power our vehicles yet?

  43. [re=645241]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I LoLed, but you this isn’t satire. Wingnuts tell their kids that the Earth is only 5K years old. They actually believe in the freedom of “subjective measures of time.”

  44. I’m sure Mrs. Obama figured campaigning for a healthier diet for kids would be uncontroversial. After all, past first ladies adopted such causes as “Learn to read, unlike my dumbshit husband” or “Don’t take drugs, even though my senile old bastard husband is having the CIA bring them right to your city to fund his pet illegal wars”. She surely didn’t count on her and her husband’s being Muslim/Commie/Nazi/Marxist/whatever code word for “black” the teabaggers are using this week rendering her issue an eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil plot to take away our sacred inalienable right to feed our kids crap that will make them morbidly obese.

  45. Living in Montana we are used to the usual fuckwits but this lady is unbelievable!! I know two of the defendants and they are TEACHERS!! Seriously, if teachers aren’t going through enough now you are going to sue them for doing their job?!?!?! Perhaps homeschooling is a option for these kids she has.

  46. [re=645347]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Shit, they were still doing that when I was in middle school, in the 1990s. We had to make microwave eggs (we weren’t allowed to use the stove), sew a pillow (we WERE allowed to use sewing machines), and a sweatshirt.

  47. Wow, every time I hear “forced down our throats”, I actually do think of it in a gay sense, so reading the headline and then seeing the cave troll in the blonde wig next to it really, really confused me.

    I’d be okay with carting lard to Teabaggers’ doors every morning, a la some kind of disgusting milk man. Their hatemongering rhetoric will be even less intelligible when spewed through a fine McNugget mist, and they’ll find it harder to scrawl poorly-written signs with their fat little fingers all covered in pizza grease.

  48. I’m a fatass. I admit it, and kind of resent some of the fatphobia on this thread. HOWEVER, I’m angrily demanding my children’s right to ignorance, or calling nutrition programs SOSHALISM. That’s not fatass, that’s fat-between-the-ears.

  49. *NOT* angrily demanding, dammit.

    And seriously, I’d like to see a little more contempt for teh Stoopid-Tea, and a little less misogyny and skinnier-than-thou shit. The average message-boarder, Con OR Lib, isn’t exactly Audrey fucking Hepburn.

  50. Having your husband roll you in flour to look for the wet spot is every wife’s right! Kristi will not have you libs taking that away from her or her precious little snowflakes.

  51. [re=645449]Mostly_Harmless[/re]: I think you hit the nail on the head. I think she’s scared shitless her little darlings are going to come home and ask why she keeps feeding them this shit and how come she doesn’t get off her ass and cook good food like they learned about in school.

  52. [re=645849]imissopus[/re]: I would say WIN, but that image made me barf my dinner of brown rice and vegetables (and 3/4 bottle of red) and I now have to bleach my brain.

  53. You know theses educated, liberal science type people are forcing their scientific researched type stuff down our throats, AGAIN.

    And do you know what else they do? They keep records on us! They have the nerve to keep records on how many of our kids are getting diabetes and having to go on Medicaid for that, the nerve of them!!
    And so what if my kid is obese, he looks just like me and my husbands family.
    they just want us to have to accept their Obama, muslim care and then drag us off to the death panels after.

  54. [re=645836]Rock Ripsnort[/re]: This is true–I come from a family of lardasses and that’s probably why I’m sensitive to the subject. I have to work my butt off-literally-to stay in some semblance of shape. So I do, and while I’m no Audrey, I have no patience for people like this idiot proudly screaming about their inalienable right to eat shit/make poor nutritional choices day in and day out.
    It sounds like my family–who OF COURSE all have health problems and for some reason can’t figure out why. Certainly eating deli every day, smoking 2 packs, eating massive portions of cheese and ice cream and lunchmeat and candy and crackers and soda while sitting in front of the TeeVee from morning ’til night can’t possibly be problematic.
    People come in all shapes & sizes, and we should respect that, it’s true. But the comment “If I want to take myself and my family to eat pizza four times a week and have McDonald’s the other three days of the week, that is no one’s business but my own.” sets her up for unapologetic weight-related ridicule here IMO.

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