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Incorporating Washington Post Book World.Lux Interior once sang that “Life is short/ Filled with stuff.” That aphorism might apply to communists and homosexuals, but it hardly describes the long and uncluttered life recounted in Teaching the Pig to Dance by Fred Thompson. Fred Thompson, as you all know, is a Republican Renaissance man. First of all, he’s an important TeeVee and movie actor who has brought a certain basset hound charm to films like Die Hard 2 and The Hunt for Red October. Secondly, he is a master of the Joke-Tweet, an important new genre that has reached an advanced stage of development in our time. And according to this autobiography, he also moonlights as an unsuccessful political figure. So what figures more in Fred’s life: blue-blazered, malarial Washington or sex-ridden, demon-haunted Hollywood?

Your book reviewer relishes sordid Hollywood tales (true and fictional), so I was eager to get into Teaching the Pig to Dance. Sitting down to read this thing I thought, excitedly, “Surely all the traditional Hollywood horrors are in here: orgies at the Chateau Marmont, snorting cocaine off of a smorgasbord of hookers, driving a Harley into the pool of the Beverly Hilton, prima donna fist-fights with directors, smoking cigars with Clint Eastwood on the beach at Malibu, etc.”

A teenage tiger and a goo goo muck. I flipped the pages in vain. There were no hookers or fist-fights or Chateau Marmont orgies. There wasn’t even a motorcycle at the bottom of a pool. In fact, the only sexy Hollywood story in this book is about the time Fred lost a role he really wanted to Paul Newman. This made him angry at first, but then humble and understanding, because hey, PAUL NEWMAN.

The lack of seediness in this book was upsetting, but I learned to live with what it does offer: mostly tales of growing up the son of a used car salesman in Middle Tennessee. This book really isn’t terribly different from Fred’s yuks on the Twitter: folksy, whimsical, and full of jokes. Jokes in the most literal sense, with set-ups that make you go “uh huh, AND?” and punch-lines that engulf you in “haw haw haw.”

Speaking of literal, look at Fred’s important thoughts on interpreting the Bible-Constitution (as written by Church of Christ pastor Thomas Jefferson):

I guess I was a “strict constructionist” at an early age. Of course, this term, when applied to the Constitution, means that the Constitution means what it says.

Simple. Why is this so hard for you libtards to understand? He goes on:

In the Church of Christ, we wholeheartedly agreed with this concept. Except it was the Bible that was to be strictly construed. And the original intent was that of God Himself. It was pretty simple, really. You did what the Bible told you, and you followed the example of the early Christians.

Which Fred Thompson does every day, by knocking back a mint julep, passing out for a few hours, and mumbling his dreams to a ghostwriter.

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26 COMMENTS

  1. Oh, meps! I was really looking forward to purchasing multiple copies of this book and posting it in its entirety in a series of 7900 Facebook updates, as opposed to completely not giving a shit!

  2. He should really “follow the example of the early Christians” and martyr himself to our modern day decadent Romans. I’m sure there is always room for one more sling daddy at the Folsom Street Fair.

  3. Based on what he’s said about the Bible, I hope he’s made sure to stay the hell away from his wife, not to mention female actors and crew, along with service workers and just women on the street, whenever they’re menstruating.

  4. I am not shocked that Fred’s intellect has the same drive and energ… zzzzzzzz zzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzz huh wha? as his 2008 campaign… zzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  5. The difference between presidential also-ran Fred Thompson and presidential also-ran Hillary Clinton is that Hillary Clinton is Secretary of Fucking State.

    Hat tip to BoB.

  6. If God wanted to be construed literally he should have written his book(s) in English like a real American. What the hell is up with all that Hebrew, Aramaic and Greek? That shit is not even written in a real alphabet.

  7. [re=612736]Chernobyl Soup[/re]: At any given time , at least during daylight hours, Hillary Clinton is probably awake. Dipshit Fred not so much.

  8. [re=612718]4tehlulz[/re]: no no they are CHRISTIANS … the Healing Blood of the Lamb of God makes all those silly rules in Leviticus obsol … what? Faggots? UNCLEAN!!! ABOMINATION! Get me some rocks to throw!211111!one111!!!!!11!

  9. Thanks for taking one for the team, Greer. Your self-sacrifice in reading the awful effluvium of Dipshit McGoo will not go unrewarded.

  10. [re=612720]norbizness[/re]: ,i>I was really looking forward to purchasing multiple copies of this book and posting it in its entirety in a series of 7900 Facebook updates…
    Wouldn’t it be easier just to delete all your friends? The effect would be the same but it would be faster.

  11. So it’s like the Wilford Brimley life story minus Wilford. Fred Thompson isn’t fit to walk in Zombie Reagan’s foot drags.

  12. Utterly literal, I’m sure.
    This is why he believes himself to be a sheep. After all, “The Lord is my shepherd,” and it can’t be a metaphor, because it means what it says.

    Oh, and, most importantly, “Take, eat. This is my body.” Fred is actually all up into transsubstantiation. He just doesn’t know it.

    It’s simple, see?

    Nothing hard to understand at all. No need for learnin’ at all.

  13. “… and you followed the example of the early Christians.”

    Which was to live a state of pure communism as “They would sell their property and possessions, and distribute the money among all, according to what each one needed.” (Acts 2:45)

    And Fred should remember that those that didn’t fully share their money literally dropped dead when confronted. (Acts 5:1-11).

  14. Oh, I’m so glad that someone’s trying to do for the Constitution what the fundamentalist movement did to the Bible. It’ll be a lot harder though, since the Bible was way crazier to begin with, but Beck U. (the Oral Roberts University of Constitutional scholarship) will be doing its damnedest.

  15. When did America become obsessed with dancing? Dancing with Stars, Dances with Wolves, Dances with Pigs? I think it was when speech was reduced to talking points, IMs, TXTs, tweets and tea-party signs. (“Hands off my Medicare”) As in revolutionary France, when mimes literally danced around bans on saying anything negative about the government, so today we dance to express the inexpressible. Dance Fred, dance. Dance with that pig until we understand you.

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