Don't you touch me, you gay liberal homosexualThe biggest story in the political universe this morning (other than Tim James’ concession, natch) comes to us courtesy of Rolling Stone magazine, which is apparently still being published! One of their dogged reporters was taken off the crucial Third Eye Blind beat to go to Afghanistan and hang out with the upper echelons of the officer corps there, only to discover that these he-man military guys liked to make fun of the recently elected liberal administration! Find out what extremely rude thing they said about Joe Biden — Joe Biden! We thought every last living human loved Joe Biden! — after the jump.

Here are the mean things McChrystal and his posse of war-fighters said and did, as excerpted by the liberal media: they said Obama was “uncomfortable and intimidated” during a meeting with a bunch of generals; they called National Security Advisor James Jones a “clown” who is “stuck in 1985”; they called Richard Holbrooke, the administration’s Afghan-Pakistan envoy, a “wounded animal” and “dangerous,” because he might get fired soon; they don’t think much of Karl Eikenberry, the ambassador to Kabul; they referred to the prospect of meeting with a French government official as “fucking gay”; and when someone brought up Joe Biden, McChrystal said “Are you asking me about Vice President Biden? Who’s that?” and then one of his aides said “Biden? Did you say ‘Bite me?'” HA HA GET IT BECAUSE IT SORT OF RHYMES!

Here’s what they don’t do: disagree on any substantive policy or war-fighting issues, really! It seems to mostly be just a big workplace clash of personalities, except the “workplace” is a nightmarish war zone where thousands of people are dying and maybe we should be acting like fucking grown-ups, especially when talking on the record to reporters at national magazines. Anyway, Barry is pretty pissed because this all makes him look wimpy so McChrystal is flying back to DC right now to be extensively yelled at and/or fired.

But hey, at least Rolling Stone comes out looking pretty great in all this, right? Pageview bonanza! Uh, except, as our soul mates at The Awl point out, the article isn’t on Rolling Stone’s website because Jann Wenner hates and fears the Internet, and the actual paper magazine isn’t on newsstands yet, and probably won’t be until everyone has lost interest in this story! (The Politico had a PDF version up at one point, but had to take it down; The Awl has a fair use excerpt.) If you want to enjoy Rolling Stone’s fine reporting today, check out this article about the death of Slipknot’s bassist instead. [NYT/WP]

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  1. It would be so awesome if Barry subjected him to military discipline!! Maybe he could make him climb a greased pole, or do twenty pushups, or walk around the hard with his backpack on, in the rain!

    What? ‘Fire him’? That doesn’t sound like half as much fun to me! Does it to you?

  2. Nobody could have predicted that Army Generals can be arrogant assholes who occasionally need to be put in their fucking place by a Democratic president that they think they can push around. Somebody give Hopey McUnicorn a Truman biography, please, and maybe a McArthur biography, or better yet, someone email him links to the Wiki pages.

  3. No matter how awesome the article may be it won’t come close to what Dr. Thompson would have done with it. Like the part where the general takes ibogaine. HST was the Jim Newell of the Rolling Stone. Except not a ginger.

  4. [re=603797]snideinplainsight[/re]: Was that “walk around the yard,” or “walk around hard?” Because either one would be a hoot if there’s video.

  5. “Just because I’m a resentful jerkoff who’s at incompetent at everything apart from covering up the death of Pat Tillman, you wanna FIRE me?”

  6. “Your mission is to proceed up to Nung river in a Navy
    patrol boat. Pick up General McChrystal’s path at Nu Mung Ba,
    follow it, learn what you can along the way. When you find
    the general infiltrate his team by whatever means available and
    terminate the general’s command.”

  7. it’s time to start bringing troops home from afghanistan. it’ll be a top-down operation, starting with stanley. he is to be assigned to spend more time with his family (assuming he has one). it will be a permanent assignment, nothing too taxing for an old soldier who has traveled his one bridge too far.

    everybody wants to be a fucking celebrity anymore. whatever happened to shutting up and doing the job?

  8. [re=603805]Prommie[/re]: Muskie took it. Thompson reported it. For decades after the Thompson reference I could find almost nothing about ibogaine anywhere. In the years before the intertubes I used to search the medical databases. You don’t have, any ibogaine, do you? Sure do wish we had some now.

  9. ” . . . and the actual paper magazine isn’t on newsstands yet, and probably won’t be until everyone has lost interest in this story!”

    Which makes this story different from every other story in the history of Rolling Stone how, exactly?

  10. Some generals have been assholes for so long that they can’t pass up the opportunity even when it’s not in their best interests — and the military has clearly been dragging their feet when it comes to working with President Obama — a year to study the repercussions of DADT repeal? Come the hell on. Never leaving Iraq? Bullshit — Barry’s gotta tell them forget your hope that some evil shit will be elected in 2012 and do what the fuck I tell you to do. Period.

  11. Why is Iceland always sticking it’s nose in our military? If it hadn’t been for that demon volcanoe spewing ash into the air, they wouldn’t have been stuck in Germany going on drinking binges with the reporter.

  12. [re=603819]Potater[/re]: yard – walking around the yard, I meant. The greased pole is a reference to the thing they do with freshman at Annapolis, for some reason was deemed to be too dangerous this year and there was a big fussing among the alumni about it. If you live around DC, you hear these kinds of things –

  13. [re=603818]SayItWithWookies[/re]: “Barry’s gotta tell them forget your hope that some evil shit will be elected in 2012 and do what the fuck I tell you to do. Period.”

    Like Betrayus (and in the fine tradition of MacArthur)they’re a bunch of whiny prima donnas who think they know better than their elected superiors (particularly when they didn’t vote for them) and only defer to them when forced to. But aside from that, they’re all about duty and honor.

  14. McCrystal-Meth’s apology is a classic of the non-apology-apology mode:

    “‘I extend my sincerest apology for this profile,’ McChrystal said in a statement issued Tuesday morning. ‘It was a mistake reflecting poor judgment and it should have never happened.'”

    So, the profile was a mistake resulting from someone’s poor judgment, possibly Jann Wenner’s, but apparently not General I-Got-a-Tongue-Bath-on-60-Minutes. And all the trash he talked was apparently sincere, because he didn’t retract a word of it.

    Sweet guy! He’d better keep his eyes peeled for “errant” HELLFIRE missiles. It’s easy to make a mistake with those things!

  15. [re=603818]SayItWithWookies[/re]: As with Clinton, Barry would’ve benefited from six months active duty as a reservist, where he might’ve gotten a better understanding of what “commander-in-chief” means. Yes they threaten to quit if you slap their wrists. But there’re a hundred more in line behind ’em, each more ambitious and ready to toady than the last.

  16. McChrystal has a lot of ‘splaining to do. The type of folks who usually end up as staff officers aka general ball handlers and pooper scoopers are usually the ultra ambitious bitchy anal chameleon types who take on the characteristics of their dear leader.

  17. Leave Barry *alone*! (sniff!)

    [re=603809]slappypaddy[/re]: everybody wants to be a fucking celebrity anymore. whatever happened to shutting up and doing the job?

    Also, stop being a fucking douche whiney baby, too. Stoicism, motherfucker: “…the Stoics presented their philosophy as a way of life, and they thought that the best indication of an individual’s philosophy was not what a person said but how he behaved.” (Wiki)

    [re=603806]norbizness[/re]: word!

  18. “One aide calls Jim Jones, a retired four-star general and veteran of the Cold War, a ‘clown’ who remains ‘stuck in 1985.'”

    Don’t these young whipper-snapper Captains know who was President in 1985? Ronald Wilson Reagan, PBUH, that’s who. Have they no respect for Jones, a man who stood just feet away from St. Ronald on several occassions? Isn’t the Republican Party trying to return the entire Nation to the party’s 1985 glory days? Could I go on for another three paragraphs asking loaded questions like Fox News? You betcha, also!!!

  19. “Uh…General, we’ve…uh…reconsidered your talents, and have found an assignment that we feel better suits your skill sets. Do you, by chance, speak any Korean?”

  20. [re=603827]V572625694[/re]: Any politician who hasn’t served either has an inferiority complex about it, or is viewed by the military as their inferior, or both in our military-glorifying culture. I don’t think Obama needs a better understanding of what “commander-in-chief” means, just the balls to pull rank on his “advisors,” and deal vigorously with insubordination. Then, as you say, most of these toadying authoritarians will get in line tout de suite. But Barry only makes real threats to the Jonas brothers.

  21. [re=603807]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: Great, now all I can think of is Rahm whispering in Barry’s ear:
    He’s out there operating without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of any acceptable human conduct. And he is still in the field commanding troops.

  22. Is Obama saying in that pic, “look at this hand…if you fuck up one more time…i will snap your bony neck Chicago Style…got me?”

  23. This will only turn out right if the Genral holds a news conference tomorrow sporting a black eye and shaky voice with Barry standing behind him, cig dangling from his mouth.

  24. Ah, generals acting like macho dickheads. That always plays well.

    Acting like partisan, macho dickheads is even better, and chauvinistic (French word: true story) partisan, macho dickheads is simply the best. Now he’s going to be all Zen warrior as he auditions for the cross he’s been building for himself. His friends from the last administration will be sure that he’s comfortable, well fed, and transported in first class style while on tour while on it.

    See North, Ollie.

  25. Nome, Alaska, News-Herald, July 7, 2010:

    Nome’s Joint Command Weather Station Gets New Leader — Gen. Stanley McChrystal arrived in Nome late last night with little ceremoney to take command of the 5-person military weather station located next to the Nome community dump. McChrystal, recently U.S. commander in Afghanistan, had no comment on his new assignment.

    Former governor Sarah Palin, commenting via Twitter from her temporary home in Iowa, welcomed McChrystal to Alaska and “hoped he’d get the change to shoot some wolves from a helicopter” while he was in “our great, energy-producing State of Alaska, but with no oil on our fish, ya know, also.”

  26. Lucky for the General, the NYTimes references an article today highlighting the avantages of being a castratti;

    “The peasant and laboring classes—particularly in rural areas—were often faced with no means of subsistence. In a society where the church provided an immense amount of employment, [singing] was a very good means to make a living. [Castrated boys] did pretty well as compared to siblings who had nothing,” [etc.]

  27. [re=603814]bfstevie[/re]: Hands off, Prommie’s mine! Prommie’s stalking Sara Benincasa, and I’m stalking Prommie. This will turn out well.

  28. Why on earth would a military commander in Afghsnistan give an interview to Rolling Stone magazine?

    Why would a top military commander criticize the President of the United States, who is your Commander in Chief—who is your boss, literally?

    Why would anyone in any military office anywhere give an interview on anything to Rolling Stone–that’s not a cut at Rolling Stone, which is a great magazine, but actually a compliment. Because Rolling Stone is a liberal left magazine which is very criticial, rightfully so, of all things military, and which asks critical, hard-hitting questions about the military, and which has a good, solid history of hard-hitting questions, interviews and stories about the military.

    Really–are military commander so hard up for attention that they have to stupidly mouth off to a rock magazine?

    People: Just how stupid, just how incredibly ignorant, and just how dumb can you all be?

    The only answer for all of this is just plain STUPIDITY.

  29. Dear Obama, I wrote you but you still ain’t callin
    I left the sattellite feed relay at the bottom
    We discussed strategy back in autumn
    Those extra troops, I got ’em
    But it still seems like there’s a problem
    In the mountain ranges or somethin
    Sometimes the guys rejoin the Taliban
    Even after we’ve bought em
    But anyways, fuck it, what’s up man, how’s your daughters?
    My wife and I we know how hard it is to be a father
    I got a son, but if i get a girl guess what I’ll call her?
    I’m a name her Joan.
    Man, about that Rolling Stone thing, I’m sorry
    And about that Tillman thing where his unit didn’t want him
    I know you hear this every day, but why are there drones in Pakistan?
    I even got that underground shit we’re doing with the Waziri clans
    I know Biden is funny, but the guy freaks me out, man.
    I like what you did with Health Care, that shit was fat.
    Anyways, I hope you get this man, just hit me back to chat
    Truly yours, Hillary’s Biggest Fan,
    This is Stan (McCrystal)

  30. [re=603795]TheGryphon[/re]: “What is “slipknot”? ”

    A Grateful Dead tune originally on the ‘Blues for Allah’ recording.Yes, the Dead were way a head of their time with the whole allah akbar thing.

  31. I got nothing to say about stupid old General Bonehead but let me say this about Rolling Stone: I got a Run D.M.C. totebag from the Walmart that had a free subscription card to Rolling Stone but the card expired already by the time I bought the bag on clearance but I sent the card anyway and those toads better send my DH a free subscription to Rolling Stone anyhow so he can keep up with third eye blind news. That is all.

  32. [re=603910]Katydid[/re]: I love you too. Let us all retire to one huge bed and form a puppy-pile. As long as everyone but me is female, that is.

  33. The worst part of this story is how smug righteous Rolling Stone, already simply drowning in smug righteousness and generally high off its own funk, is going to be after causing all this kerfuffle.

  34. My guess is that wingtard radio today is totally aghast at this insubordination and the intolerable disrespect to the commander in chief. HEE HEE HA HA HO HO.

  35. [re=603972]Gorillionaire[/re]: Short-Timer David Obey wants ‘Reckless, Renegade’ McChrystal to resign. That alone will bring out teh crazees. Tonight Glenn Beck will probably have some sort of chalk talk on how this is actually a planned coup to take out the top military brass and have George Soros run the Pentagon. Into the ground.

  36. yea, but McChrystal et al have an excuse since everyone knows no one but the dirty fucking hippies read Rolling Stone Mag.

    So they were trying to look all radical an shit, thinking they were reaching out to teh Ozzy Osbourn faction.

    except for the fact that Rolling Stone has somehow morphed into one of the best investigative journalism rags in this 21st century

  37. [re=603956]populucious[/re]: Agreed. Rolling Stone is a rag. Over the years I’ve found it best to avoid anything they proclaim as “good”.
    But, talking trash about your boss in public, has never proven to be a sound way to career advancement, especially for military personnel.

  38. [re=603953]Prommie[/re]: ::looks down::

    Yep, I’m female. Puppy pile! I’ll even go a little gay for Sara Benincasa, she’s so hot.

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