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Guy's annoyingHollywood Film Magician James Cameron will now stop the oil spill, so everyone stop whining and shut the fuck up. No but really, check out this AP lede: “‘Top kill’ didn’t stop the Gulf oil spill. How about something ‘titanic’?” Ha ha, for that was a film that James Cameron directed, “The Titanic,” about some idiot boat that the Israelis captured and sank into “The Abyss.” So, will blockbuster director James Cameron go into “The Abyss” to be the “Terminator II” of the oil spill, or will his “Avatar” do it? And what about “True Lies,” did anyone even see that?

Federal officials are hoping film director James Cameron can help them come up with ideas on how to stop the disastrous oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

The “Avatar” and “Titanic” director was among a group of scientists and other experts who met Tuesday with officials from the Environmental Protection Agency and other federal agencies for a brainstorming session on stopping the massive oil leak.

The Canadian-born Cameron is considered an expert on underwater filming and remote vehicle technologies. “Avatar” and “Titanic” are the two highest-grossing films of all time.

Can we really trust a maple-leaf fucker to stop the oil from Mexico? Yes! Look at how much money the Israeli boat and gay blue deer movies made.

[AP]

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  • Aurelio
  • JMP

    Nuke it from orbit; it’s the only way to be sure.

  • facehead

    He’ll end up marrying Tony Hayward.

  • Snarkalicious

    Oh, dear. This isn’t funny, at all.

  • DoktorZoom

    Take off and nuke the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure. (I’m prolly #38 to say this…)

  • V572625694

    God they’re desperate. Cameron will just say, “Splice in some clean water!”

    [re=588728]Aurelio[/re]: Craftsman! Great tools!

  • Extemporanus

    Avatarballs?

  • Tommmcatt

    [re=588728]Aurelio[/re]:

    Of course, the spill-cam is not working. I’m not even getting an error message, just a white blankness that mocks my concern blandly.

    USA! USA! USA!

  • memzilla

    How about stuffing BP oil executives into the pipe until the leak stops?

  • memzilla

    [re=588728]Aurelio[/re]: BP Spillcam, with adjustable leak calculator widget: http://www.pbs.org/newshour/rundown/2010/05/newshour-oil-widget-2-including-spillcam.html

  • WIDTAP

    [re=588729]JMP[/re]: Actually the plan is for Signorney Weaver to splice human DNA into Blue Whales and have Assies mind-meld with them to take over the seas.

  • Clancy_Pants

    I vote we let the Mythbusters dudes fix it.

  • ManchuCandidate

    [re=588729]JMP[/re]:

    [re=588735]DoktorZoom[/re]:

    C’mon US America. This is a multi-million dollar installation here, and Barry can’t make those kind of decisions, he’s just a preznit.

  • snoidoid

    Maybe Jimmy can stuff it full of the money he made from Titanic.

    [re=588736]V572625694[/re]: Craftsman power tools are ok if you discount the “Craftsman” horsepower ratings by two-thirds.

  • Suds McKenzie

    I thought Kevin Costner already fixed everything?

    http://www.csmonitor.com/USA/2010/0520/Kevin-Costner-oil-spill-cleanup-idea-interests-BP

    Water World Baby,…. Suck It Titanic!!

  • Jukesgrrl

    [re=588745]Clancy_Pants[/re]: I second that.

  • rottenart

    One can only hope that this will entice millions of half-wits to paint themselves blue and jump in the Gulf to help clean up Pandora. In 3-D.

  • JohnnyMeatworth

    [re=588745]Clancy_Pants[/re]: How about Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs?

  • JMP

    [re=588728]Aurelio[/re]: So maybe they can also call on Bob Villa for his expert rebuilding advice.

    [re=588744]WIDTAP[/re]: First we should try the plan to kill the mother of BP’s CEO before he was born.

  • slappypaddy

    as any cat can tell you, thinking outside the box carries risks. the feds are giving the appearance of some truly desperate kitties.

  • Beef Supreme

    I was gonna make some lame joke about filling the hole with his cash, but then I saw on IMDB that he directed Piranha II: The Spawning. So, the dude does know a lot about underwater stuff.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Anybody thought of calling the North Koreans? They can put a torpedo down that pipe and no one would even know who done it.

  • Barrett808

    First it’s “BP quits,” now it’s “BP denies quitting.” The circular saw is in the hizzie now, so it looks like the riser chopping is still the plan…

  • Extemporanus

    [re=588737]Extemporanus[/re]: I’d just like to note that I suggested President Oblamer enlist the assistance of Mr. James “The Marriage Abyss” Cameron on, like, Day 3 of Avatarball’s troubled production.

    Also, Ed “Bud” Harris.

  • Baldar T Flagass

    Is this as ludicrous, or only slightly less so, than Michael Crichton advising Bush on climate change and other science-y stuff?

  • Extemporanus

    [re=588751]Suds McKenzie[/re]: Or, as Deacon might’ve said: “Ha ha, *dick fingers* fixed *dick fingers*.”

  • Ruhe

    [re=588742]memzilla[/re]: Can Britt Hume go too? Please.

  • SayItWithWookies

    And I thought we wouldn’t get a James-Cameron-related bloated, horrific mess this summer. He might be the wrong person to ask, though, since most people think this disaster has already gone on too long.

  • Cape Clod

    I can just see Cameron at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico.

    “Come on! Come on! Come and get it, baby! Come on! I don’t got all day! Come on! Come on! Come on you bastard! Come on, you too! Oh, you want some of this? Fuck you!”

    And then he stuffs the hole shut with his ego.

  • Holybalheadedchrist

    There’s gotta be something we can put over a LEAKING PIPE. I mean, we know how to fix pipes right? We’ve had them for like a billion years. Has anyone considered Mega Condoms? No, like for serious.

    http://letmemowyourlawn.wordpress.com/2010/06/01/two-words-glenn-beck-mow-off/

  • chascates

    If only Lloyd Bridges was still around.

  • One Yield Regular

    Needs more Tor Johnson.

  • What Fresh Hell is This?

    Hollywood? Why don’t we turn to the can-do American spirit of Detroit?

    Why choose the industry that gave us The Adventures of Pluto Nash and Gigli over the industry that gave us the Pinto and Gremlin?

  • Extemporanus

    [re=588757]JMP[/re]: “Come with me if you wanna drill!”

    [re=588795]chascates[/re]: “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing crude.”

    (Why yes, I do indeed work for imdb.com — why do you ask?)

  • GenXCub

    How dare you call him a Maple Leaf Fucker?

    He’s clearly a snow frog.

  • comicbookguy

    Too bad Michael Crichton isn’t around. He could track down those vegan hippie activists what done this to perpetuate the global warming hoax.

  • Snarkalicious

    So…Ja Rule was busy?

  • V572625694

    [re=588748]snoidoid[/re]: True. The hand tools are still pretty nice though. Maybe some BP exec could go down there in a diving suit with a nice Craftsman 9″ hacksaw.

  • lochnessmonster

    Should we be terrified? Are three story buildings near the gulf going to fill the void the oil spill is leaving?

    http://www.freep.com/article/20100601/BLOG36/100601008/See-the-incredible-Guatemala-sinkhole

  • bitchincamaro

    [re=588821]V572625694[/re]: My plumber claims his best tools are all Rigid.

  • Mahousu

    [re=588728]Aurelio[/re]: What the .. the BP guy just said he needed to borrow my saw for a couple minutes to cut a sheet of plywood. He didn’t say anything about any underwater oil pipes. It’ll ruin my Kromedge blade!

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    Has anyone asked This Old House? Is anyone re-writing the blues songs, e.g., “You don’t miss your shore birds ’til your well runs dry”? (Don’t just sit there! Lights! Camera! Action!)

  • Accordion-o-rama

    Having directed The Abyss, he’s clearly the world’s expert on underwater fiascoes.

  • Sharkey

    Cameron: “Just stick some unobtanium in there? The hell do I know?!”

  • Mr Blifil

    If ego existed in accordance to wave particle theory, Cameron would be the singularity.

  • Geogre

    He’s going to fix the webcam footage of the sub pipe spew/cut thing so that it’s in 3-D and audiences “feel like they’re really there.”

    He’s working on an anti-“Avatar” technology, now, where people can watch a horrifying reality and believe that it’s fiction for hours at a time.

    None of his ideas will work, but they’ll be extremely lucrative, after first costing billions and taking decades.

  • mrwizzy

    They should have called in Lars Von Trier. On second though, genital mutilation really isn’t the answer to this question, is it?

  • JMP

    [re=588735]DoktorZoom[/re]: If only Weaver could scare away the spill with a well-timed “Get away from her, YOU BITCH!”

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