Hooray, it’s… an ugly Blingee! It depicts America’s Fence, keepin’ those perverts away from America’s Piper Palin, except for the ones that can moondance through the large, large gap. Happy Memorial Day weekend to the troops, as well as regular humans! Everyone walkin’ around the beach, stone drunk, no pants, no nothin’… (Also, your departing editor “Jim” will be working at Wonkette through next Wednesday, because why not?)

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  1. HUZZAH!!

    The Gary Coleman Zombie Clone Army has breached Palin’s defenses! Tonight, she whines in Hell!


  2. just please to remember, between burgers and beer, memorial day is about the ones who died, for the good, for the bad, and for the ugly. (dear uncle, i’m sorry you had to die in some rice paddy in korea when you were 18, but i will ever trust that it was not in vain, so long as we don’t let it be so.)

  3. That Blingee creeps me out. The marching guys remind me of the hallucinatory little people in Mulholland Dr. Maybe it’s a byproduct of the ambient meth in the Wasilla air.

  4. [re=587744]Red Zeppelin[/re]: Also, look at the eagle’s beak–it actually appears to be a duck frowning at the creepy journalist’s backyard. Coincidence? I think not.

  5. [re=587749]Neilist[/re]: It didn’t say if her rider included clothes. Is she going to show up dressed like a slob again?

  6. [re=587741]SayItWithWookies[/re]: What, the eagle’s enormous spinnin’ & grinnin’ red, white, & blue balls not patriotic enough for ya?

    How ’bout if the raptor sported a big, huge, raging hard-on shaped like Uncle Sam sporting a big, huge, raging hard-on — would that have maybe convinced you?

    [re=587746]Crank Tango[/re]: I get him and Corey — Haim or Feldman? I can never fucking remember. Which Corey isn’t dead like every other icon from my childhood? Feldman?! You sure? Okay, Feldman then — mixed-up all the time.

  7. [re=587753]drrty martini[/re]: A slob? Our Sarah??!!??

    I will have you know, “Mr. Martini” or whatever your name is, that Mrs. Palin typically appears wearing only the very finest, hand-sewed Eskimo-chewed seal gut parkas.

    Or maybe I’m thinking of her vagina?

    Same thing, really.

    Never mind.

    [Hey, Jim! If you give me something with which to work, I’ll try to start a Jim Newell Memorial Day Weekend Memorial Wonkette Riot. In your honor! Sort of like going out in a Viking funeral?]

  8. [re=587757]Extemporanus[/re]: Feldman is the more assholish and alive one. tick tock tho, tick motherfucking tock. I think they both got jesus-juiced by jacko, also.

  9. [re=587757]Extemporanus[/re]: Maybe if there was a Marine rapelling down the side of the eagle with a .50 calibre sniper rifle strapped to his back, and the hand of The LORD was stretched out from the corner touching a reclining Ronald Reagan who was wearing a toga and smoking a Marlboro.

  10. [re=587742]slappypaddy[/re]: Thanks, SP. As an ultra-liberal who also proudly served (jesus, that was a mindfuck on so many levels), I’ll be in the SF Presidio National Cemetery remembering those who were in the wrong place at the wrong time, and thinking about my lifer friends who are on the ground in Iraq right now. Also.

  11. [re=587761]Crank Tango[/re]: The Coreys are a unit. When one dies, it is our patriotic duty to hunt down the other one, for it is their wish that they be buried together, alive or not!

  12. I get the American flag with the turducken on it, but what’s going on underneath? It looks like a black oil spill is coming out of the duck’s ass and befouling Santa Claus. Which is unAmerican also.

  13. [re=587760]Neilist[/re]: I wonder if the curtains match the carpet with our future president. I mean in the figurative sense. How stupid is she if she’s such a dumb cunt?

  14. On Memorial Day I will imagine Saint Ronnie giving our great Queen Estrous a donkey punch. That will give me a half chub for freedom.

  15. [re=587772]Radiotherapy[/re]: I really hate the word “cunt” as an perjorative term. (The word. Not the anatomy thingy itself.)

    But with Palin, nothing sort of “Dumb Cunt” seems sufficient.

    It would be like calling Hitler “a bit of a troublemaker.” Or saying that “wombats dig a little bit.”

    Same thing, really.

  16. [re=587761]Crank Tango[/re]: Today, we are all Jesusjuiced little glory holes.

    [re=587762]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Oh yeah, baby! Keep *FAP FAP FAP* typing *FAP FAP FAP*! You’re making me sooo *FAP FAP FAP* patri-hot-ic!


  17. OMG, everybody stop what you’re doing!
    Sarah has a new twatter!:

    “I never say drill,baby,drill” Ahh, that’s much of the problem,Mr.President;Drill ANWR&unlock land for safe onshore devlpmnt/energy securty

    Sarah, our Memorial Day plans are on hold until you wish us a happy Memorial Day! Please Hurry! America is supposed to be at the lake in 3 hours!

  18. [re=587790]Extemporanus[/re]: I’m not sure I’m ready to wrap my mind around all that. I wonder if it’s like one of those old WWII pacts where the last one alive gets to drink the jesus juice and bang the monkey. Also, did jacko bang lil arnold jackson, and if not, why not?

    [re=587766]comicbookguy[/re]: for the troops!

  19. [re=587784]Neilist[/re]: Haha on the Hitler analogy…But I always thought Spalin Stalin never gets his due…
    I agree with you on the ‘See You in Toledo’ as being a rather mean-spirited perjorative. It is right up there with the “N” word as far as being carefully used in public discourse. (Or private intercourse, for that matter. No shit, I know some dude whose ex-wife withheld her bootie cause he said “cunt” during the deed.)
    However, Palin defines any connotation of the word. Often times, Wonketeers will use it to describe her like 25% of the time in their comments.
    How about Vacuous Box?

  20. Good Gawd, Yanks!

    If I created such an eye-scraping visual assault like this Blingee for ANZAC or Armistice Day, the Governor-General would have me tried and executed!

    Be thankful for what remains of your Constitutional Liberties, you Real ‘Merikins, and have a happy holiday week-end gorging yourself on cheap booze, transfats and generically-modified corn-syrup! USA! USA! USA!

  21. [re=587794]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: My mind refused to believe that jumbo word gumbo was verbatim. Dear fucking jeebus almighty.

  22. OT, since this appears to be a weekend thread; Can we just fire Robert Gates? Why does Obama even have Bush’s Secretary of Defense? Bobby G: shut the fuck up, do your fucking job or leave, OK? Big, stupid homo. Big, pasty-faced, southern cushion queen makes Lindsey Graham look manly. Oh, and remember the troops. Rah USA!

  23. [re=587749]Neilist[/re]: Wait, you didn’t count the first class tix for the entire clan, top shelf mini bar (in the top shelf hotel), and fancy bendy straws. Closer to 93K. Hooray for the triumph of mediocrity!

  24. The overlords are so cruel to leave us with the Snowbilly Grifter for this week end of memories.
    I, for one, would rather forget about her.
    There is already enough nastiness in this world.

  25. [re=587800]Bearbloke[/re]: Sod that for a game of soldiers. Memorial day is best celebrated by snorting a couple fat lines of real Murrican meth off a Brazilian tranny’s ass.

  26. [re=587810]S.Luggo[/re]: After Wednesday, Wonkette will further devolve: 1/3 America Speaking Out; 1/3 Palin anecdotes; 1/3 “Aren’t people from the South stupider than people from, say, Connecticut and Nevada?” Watch the train wreck.

  27. [re=587794]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: Sarah’s right, of course — we need to drill more on land where it’s safer.

    And in completely unrelated Alaska oil news, the Trans-Alaska Pipeline (owned by a consortium that includes our friends at BP) should be open again today — after being closed for two days after an electrical failure caused the release of thousands of barrels of oil at a pump station. So yeah, we should be doing more of this.

  28. [re=587794]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: She not only says, “Drill, baby, drill,” she wiggles her hips in rhytm while saying it, like a stripper.

  29. Sadly, the paranoia evidenced by Sarah Palin in building this fence is a perfect metaphor for the American post 9/11 seige mentality*.
    The pervert journalists have won!
    *or is that just stating the fucking obvious?

  30. [re=587800]Bearbloke[/re]: cheap booze, transfats and generically-modified corn-syrup

    Throw in caffeine and nicotine and you’ve got the building blocks of life.
    As I sit here with my latest KFC double down oozing into my coronary arteries it occurs to me that it was good enough for the GIs’ who drove the Wermacht from your shores during WWII.
    If you think about it (which I’m much too drunk to do right now, but WTF, let’s give it a go) we’ve probably burned up over 100,000 GI Joes to defend your dingo infested homeland from the yellow menace. Korea, Vietnam, the War in the Pacific, every time time somebody would pop up over here saying “is this really worth it” the immediate response would be “they’ll invade Australia if we don’t stop ’em!”. Well, we couldn’t have that. Perverted, pasty white dudes are supposed to grind the other races under their merciless boot heel, not the other way around. It’s Gods will.
    Still, we wouldn’t have defended the aborigines (too brown) from the Imperial dreams of our Asian overlords. It does leave one to wonder couldn’t the fucking British have banished your felonious ancestors to Venezuela instead? Venezuela had sheep and primitive natives to sexually abuse, would it have been so different? It’s floating on a sea of delicious oil (and you know how we feel about oil) not to mention relatively safe from the ever encroaching yellow (red?) menace. Is corn-holing the odd Wallabee really worth all the dead American soldiers? (perhaps, I bow to your expertise on that one).

  31. I like how the Blingee pieces give the illusion that there is no “fence” per se, as if the Palins are being guarded by the animus of America.

    It’s too damn early to be awake on Saturday.

  32. [re=587762]SayItWithWookies[/re]:
    Yes ala the old Bevis and Butthead “pull my finger” creation master.
    Why izzzz the celebration being held outside T. Kazinski’s shed?

  33. I find it disturbing that Sarah, in her first public mention of this fence, immediately injected pedophilia into it by claiming the neighbor wanted to look into Piper’s bedroom etc. Keep those “family values” coming!

  34. What type of white trailor trash is too cheap to fix that gaping gap under the fence. Enen the biggest pervert in Alaska could get under that.

  35. Note Blingee’s implication that this fence is somehow inadequate, as there are little Michael Jackson’s scurrying beneath it, and observe widget09 falling for Sarah’s trap. What Blingee fails to consider, is that Sarah repeatedly refers to herself as a momma bear. Now, bears are omnivores, meaning they consume both plant and animal matter, as well as probably little Michael Jackson’s.

    Also consider Todd.

    This ‘widget09’ would thus make for a very poor General Officer, easily being deceived by the feints of the enemy. She would also do poorly in spelling bees.

  36. [re=587887]El Pinche[/re]: Decent blingees involve the application of aesthetic principles. That is socialism. Anyone who can make decent blingees is almost certainly a beret wearing quiche eater.

  37. [re=587860]dijetlo[/re]: (Let me deal this, Bearbloke):

    My mother’s Australian, and lived through WWII working in Brisbane. Because of that, I know a bit more about Australian history than most “Yanks.” To wit:

    1. By the time America, after sitting on its Fat Arse, finally got into the war after December 7, 1941 — you know, after the Japanese caught the American military with its colective pants down around its ankles, both at Pearl Harbor, and then A FULL DAY LATER in the Phillipines — the Australians had been fighting in North African for about two years. Kicking the Living Shit out of the Italians. (I know, that’s not saying very much, but still . . . .)

    2. America’s Heroic Pacific Theater Defense Strategy, under Douglas “Dugout Doug” MacArthur, was to give up about 1/2 of Australia to the Japanese. The so-called “MacArthur Line” was going to split the country in two. It probably would have been about as successful as most of MacArthur’s other strategic/tactical brainstorms.

    (You remember MacArthur? The Great General who got his arse kicked in the Phillipines by a numerically inferior force under Yamashita, and then was such a pussy that he had Yamashita convicted and executed for “war crimes” for acts committed by troops that were not under direct command?)

    3. The seemingly unstoppable Japanese southern advance was stopped in New Guinea, on the Owen Stanley Range, largely by Australian troops. Who fought under absolutely appalling conditions — and prevailed. But unlike American troops under similar circumstances, the Australians didn’t whine and moan, or brag about how great they were. They just demanded more cigarettes, more sickly sweetened tea, and more Four X beer. Oh, and some women in NAAFI trucks.

    4. Australian sent units to fight alongside the Americans in Vietnam. The Australian troops typically didn’t like to fight alongside American units, because our GIs were so clueless about jungle fighting that they would go out on patrols with radios playing; refuse to get up for the dawn stand to; etc. The Australians had no equivant complaints about the Republic of Korea (“ROKs”) who also were fighting with us in Vietnam — if only because the ROKs were even meaner than the Australians.

    Of course, that’s the Australian ARMY. The Australian NAVY is another matter, e.g., HMAS Sydney vs. Komordan:

    But there is a Perfect Reasonable Explanation for this loss: The entire crew of HMAS Sydney was Blind Drunk. (“In the Navyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy . . . . “)

  38. [re=587898]Neilist[/re]: Because I have yet two see several 100 hour mini-series produced by Tom Hanks or books written by Tom Brokaw about any of those things you said, I refuse to believe they happened. In fact, I need proof and by proof I mean a Bruckenheimer flick or a Ken Burns documentary.

  39. [re=587899]Hooray For Anything[/re]: I grew up with my mum’s 1944 edition of “30 Seconds Over Toyko,” by Ted Lawson. I still have it, on its cruddy acidic war-rationed paper.

    I am prepared to excuse Bruckenheimer for a lot of things. After all, he’s just a coked up Hollywood whore. (And though I hate to admit it, I liked “Armaggedon”: World Class Mindless Trash.)

    But I would cheerfully put a bullet into his head for what he and Michael Bey did to the Doolittle Raiders in “Pearl Harbor””

    “I miss you more then Michael Bay missed the mark
    When he made Pearl Harbor
    I miss you more than that movie missed the point
    And that’s an awful lot girl
    And now, now you’ve gone away
    And all I’m trying to say is
    Pearl Harbor sucked, and I miss you . . . ”

    Come on, kids! Sing along!!!!! It’s MEMORIAL DAY!

    “I need u like Ben Affleck needs acting school
    He was terrible in that film
    I need u like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part
    He’s way better than Ben Affleck
    And now all I can think about is your smile
    and that shitty movie too
    Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you

    Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?
    I guess Pearl Harbor sucked
    Just a little bit more than I miss you . . . “

  40. Did you boys break the wonkette with your war movie shit??? I told you to go outside and turn off the teevee. You should be out setting fire to the backyard with your brother.
    Hello goodbye. There’s a bartender somewhere with my name on it, it’s Saturday.

  41. [re=587891]gurukalehuru[/re]: “Don’t toast to my health, toast to my FUCK!”

    Alright, man…

    [*Holds aloft PABST! BLUE! RIBBON!*]

    Thanks for all the FUCK, you FUCKING FUCK! You were one suave FUCKER, and you will be FUCKING missed!

  42. [re=587898]Neilist[/re]: Thanks, Mate! I’m far too young to know that nasty business, and my Senior-Bear is more than a bit soured on his past pro-military outlook since Oz and NZ got mixed into Bush’s Iraq/Afghan quagmire… but he still gets a mite misty for ANZAC Day & the Diggers, and whilst pissed might tell a tale of the wild sex in his (post Viet-nam) days in the Royal Navy…

    [re=587860]dijetlo[/re]: I’ll have you know that only some of my ancestors were (mostly Irish Catholic) felons expelled from Britain to Oz – some others were scruffy miners and their attendant cut-throats from all over (including gold-seekers moving on from the mines of California), and others still were Proper Anglican Missionaries, Traders and Administrators who were sent to NZ to Expand (White Protestant) Christian Civilisation on behalf of Queen and Empire… and as far as “corn-holing the odd Wallabee” – well, that depends on how odd the ‘Wallaby’ (which down here is a slang term for someone tramping about for work, occasionally referring to swagmen and long-haul truckies) is, now wouldn’t it?

  43. Dennis Hopper was a Republican, which was enigmatic, imo. Of course, I say this only because of his rough language and failed marriages. Not because of any flaws for godsakes.

    Oh, the world has lost another genius, I suppose.

  44. [re=587913]middlegirl[/re]: hmm I got bored at “realistic caricature,” but I suppose that’s correct considering her face is composed entirely of hairy ass.

    [re=587915]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: yeah someone has yet to die this weekend that I give a shit about. Not that I want anyone I care about to die, mind you.

  45. SUPPORT THE TROOPS…even those privileged troops who joined the Army after a bench order in lieu of the hard time that results from the criminal activity that they assumed would go unpunished because their mom is politically connected but their only option was boot camp or having their salad tossed for not less than one years nor more than three.

  46. [re=587898]Neilist[/re]: My mother’s Australian
    I didn’t mention your mother, Neilist…I was drunk, but I wasn’t that drunk.

    [re=587911]Bearbloke[/re]: I’ll have you know that only some of my ancestors were (mostly Irish Catholic) felons expelled from Britain to Oz

    The point I was thinking about was how many US, American, Red, White and Blue GI Joes and Janes are laying dead, spread across Asia. At least in part because our dear ancestor, the British Empire, had a penchant for seeding the heathen lands with Gods own people.
    It’s Memorial Day, I’m memorializing.

  47. This just in: Aramaic as the official language of the United States has 260 votes!

    If only America were more like a Mel Gibson movie we’d all be in love and wear diapers.

  48. [re=587937]facehead[/re]:the site’s poor moderation has provided for some of the craziest “ideas” we’ve ever seen. Republicans wanted a healthy debate, but instead they’re getting plans for a dinosaur/robot army and requests to reinstate slavery (what?????)

    Fuck HuffPo. And fuck moderation. They only suspected it was funny. The list could have been in the hundreds.

  49. [re=587937]facehead[/re]: [re=587943]Radiotherapy[/re]: You know what really bothers me about the Huffpo piece is the same as the Washpo piece on ASO (Americans Suck Off), and that’s that there is this “tee-hee” smarmy disingenuous attitude like this is “news” and we HAVE TO REPORT IT — there is not even a pretense that they did any reporting on why this might have happened, they just want to share how wacky and crazy these comments are!

    …and I’m going back to eating my biscuit and drinking my coffee, now.

  50. [re=587943]Radiotherapy[/re]:
    “[L]ooks like moderators have finally caught on…” Right.

    eliminating minimum wage laws will allow companies to hire many more Americans for just a fraction of the price. If Mexicans can work for 2$ an hour, so can we.
    Why should we have to compete with the Mexicans for work!! There is something wrong with that picture!! IT has been aloud to go on for too long……
    Defanitly! And wile were at it, something needs to be done about the indians.
    Too many Mexicans are in our schools. We need to take back our jobs. There is no work Americans refuse to do. This is the type of hubris that destroyed the Roman Empire!
    Day took er jeerrbbss
    Its amazing to me that we have a minimum wage. Nobody should look out for you but YOU. You can’t make it, die. Simple as that. I’m tired of my taxes funding the lazy, schools, welfare, Medicare etc. THrow all the lazy bums in prison and wrok them to death. Thats what they did when America was great 100 years ago.
    Also, unions are illegal too. Get rid of them, also minimum age to work. Why can’t my 12 year old get a full time job, he wants to and school isnt teaching him much anyway.
    Why do poor people use their wages for food? Why not just use their savings? Duh~!

  51. [re=587937]facehead[/re]: Yes, but you can’t be absolutely certain which and that’s all that matters. Diluting the crazy as a performance art.


    Oh, and “Bombs Away, you useless Hollywood MOTHERFUCKERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!”

    [re=587925]dijetlo[/re]: No, YOUR mama!!! (Sophisticated reparte at a bargain price.)

    [re=587933]slappypaddy[/re]: “the odd angry shot”? I refuse to discuss my sex life. Or the lack thereof. Same thing, really. :::Sigh:::

  53. But he did win the Captain Jack Sparrow Best Use of Eye-Liner Award.
    [Illinois] GOP Senate candidate Kirk overstated military award
    Republican U.S. Rep. Mark Kirk, who has highly publicized his position as a Naval Reserve intelligence officer in his bid for the U.S. Senate, has acknowledged he erroneously boasted he was named Intelligence Officer of the Year more than a decade ago.
    For years, Kirk has said he was named intelligence officer of the year for his role in the U.S. Navy’s actions during the war in Kosovo, known as Operation Allied Force. ….Commander Danny Hernandez, a Navy spokesman, said Thursday the individual 1999 Naval Reserve Intelligence Officer of the Year was given to another reservist and not to Kirk. .
    Stolen Valor Act
    18 USC §704. Military medals or decorations
    (b) False Claims About Receipt of Military Decorations or Medals.— Whoever falsely represents himself or herself, verbally or in writing, to have been awarded any decoration or medal authorized by Congress for the Armed Forces of the United States, any of the service medals or badges awarded to the members of such forces, the ribbon, button, or rosette of any such badge, decoration, or medal, or any colorable imitation of such item shall be fined under this title, imprisoned not more than six months, or both.

  54. Jim Newell – Best of Luck to you! Don’t forget to write!

    Way off topic: Looks like “Top Kill” failed. Jebus. We are so freakin’ doomed. The gulf is just gonna be an aquatic graveyard.

    Proudgrampa weeps.

  55. [re=587958]S.Luggo[/re]: But he did win the Captain Jack Sparrow Best Use of Eye-Liner Award.

    He also beat Bobby Flay in the Iron Chef: Battle Crow competition.

  56. Sometimes, somebody will say to me, like, “How can you believe there is no God?” And I’m all, like, “Remember Memorial Day 1952, when the convicted war criminals in Spandau were allowed on stage, in shackles and chains, to salute World War II combatants around the world for their service, Axis and Allies, willy-nilly? And then, like, here’s the Rockettes with a special crotch-flashing dance in honor of Big Benito and his Rubber Hose Cronies?”

    And they’re like, “Oh I get it, there was just that one guy in Spandau. Yeah, let me guess. Are you still pissed at General Powell for that lying in front of the U.N. General Assembly thing?” And I’m all, “There is no God. Q.E.D.”

  57. NEWSFLASH: Sarah Palin Plagiarizes Memorial Day Message

    Yesterday Palin tweeted a Memorial Day Message consisting of some unattributed lines from the poem “It Is the Soldier”, by Charles M. Province. Apparently doing damage control on the plagiarism charge this morning, she wrote quoted the full poem on her Facebook page, with the line “let’s keep in mind this version of a popular poem.”

    Still no attribution. I guess it’s a “version” of someone else’s poem because the word “Soldier” was replaced by “veteran”. And one other change… let’s see… oh, yeah in the last stanza:

    “It is the Soldier who salutes the flag,
    Who serves beneath the flag,
    And whose coffin is draped by the flag,
    Who allows the protester to burn the flag.”

    she cut out that pesky last line that had somethin’ to do with freedom of speech, or whatever. Here’s her simpleminded last stanza:

    “It is the veteran, who salutes the flag, who serves under the flag, and whose coffin will be draped by the flag.”


  58. [re=587960]proudgrampa[/re]: bee pee has announced their new plan. they’re going to rip the hole open wider so all the oil comes out at once, then harvest it from the gulf shoreline, ship it to houston for refining, and sell the end product to us at a modest markup. the effects of the catastrophe will only last a few years, and those persons and organizations who are well-positioned should be able to reap certain benefits. everyone else can consider themselves fucked. hey, that’s the way the oil business goes. there have always been risks involved. just ask the united states army.

  59. [re=587970]slappypaddy[/re]: That plan makes about as much sense as anything else I’ve heard. Well, when this is all over (will it ever be?), maybe they’ll put Tony Hayward’s head on a pike.

  60. [re=587968]Crank Tango[/re]: I’m still a wee skoshi pissed at General Powell, and the thought of him being a “guest of honor” at any U.S. Memorial Day ceremony, anywhere, makes me want to vomit up my immortal soul. Every day that he doesn’t waste himself in public adds another thousand years to his sentence in Hell. Is that easier to understand?

    Maybe you can work out the “war criminal — life sentence without parole” part for yourself, now. What with the hint, and all. Unless you think “Spandau” is half the name of an early 80’s pre-emo band, in which case, sorry to have trespassed on your time.

  61. A poem? Someone wants a poem for Memorial Day?

    Hmmm. Give the circumstances — e.g., NPR Saturday doing stories about Our Heroic West Point Literary Warriors Dying In Afghanistan — hard not to go with Kipling’s “Arithmetic On The Frontier” (given, after all that it’s the same “frontier”):

    A great and glorious thing it is
    To learn, for seven years or so,
    The Lord knows what of that and this,
    Ere reckoned fit to face the foe–
    The flying bullet down the Pass,
    That whistles clear: “All flesh is grass.”

    Three hundred pounds per annum spent
    On making brain and body meeter
    For all the murderous intent
    Comprised in “villainous saltpetre!”
    And after–ask the Yusufzaies
    What comes of all our ‘ologies.

    A scrimmage in a Border Station–
    A canter down some dark defile–
    Two thousand pounds of education
    Drops to a ten-rupee jezail–
    The Crammer’s boast, the Squadron’s pride,
    Shot like a rabbit in a ride!

    No proposition Euclid wrote,
    No formulae the text-books know,
    Will turn the bullet from your coat,
    Or ward the tulwar’s downward blow
    Strike hard who cares–shoot straight who can–
    The odds are on the cheaper man.

    One sword-knot stolen from the camp
    Will pay for all the school expenses
    Of any Kurrum Valley scamp
    Who knows no word of moods and tenses,
    But, being blessed with perfect sight,
    Picks off our messmates left and right.

    With home-bred hordes the hillsides teem,
    The troop-ships bring us one by one,
    At vast expense of time and steam,
    To slay Afridis where they run.

    The “captives of our bow and spear”
    Are cheap–alas! as we are dear.

    [Although a West Point education costs the US Taxpayer considerably more than 2000 pounds — even adjusted for inflation.]

    God Bless The American Empire. Invest your loved ones so that British Petroleum can increase its profits!

    [“British” Petroleum”? Hey, wait a minute . . . .]

  62. [re=587972]GreenHalo[/re]: It’s Pinko Communists like you that weaken our country by refusing to recognize that we are best served by self-serving, gutless careerists who would sacrifice every man and woman under their command to move another rung up the ladder . . . .

    You know, like General Colin “My Lai? What My Lai? Powell . . . .


    (And “Spandau” refers to a machine gun, e.g., “Spandau Ditch Digger”, you Red!

  63. So, yeah, I looked back at the original post that we’re supposed to gnaw at for three days. I think the kulaks in the gulag got thicker gruel than this.

  64. [re=587976]x111e7thst[/re]: “Do you suppose the jezail in question was a matchlock? Did the Pathans have flintlocks by then?”

    You need to check with Dr. John Watson, late of the Indian Army. After all, he was wounded by one in the Battle of Maiwand . . . although in what part of his anatomy has been a subject of debate among Sherlockians for years.

    “You have been to Afghanistan, I perceive . . . .”

    Anyway, a jezail could be either a flintlock or a matchlock. After the First Afghan War, more were flintlocks because The Locals would use locks from captured British Brown Bess muskets.

    Of course, this was before The Empire was able to civilize the savage Pathan with the Martini-Henry. Or kill them. Same thing, really.

    What ho! Pip! Pip! Eh, what? Boy! BOY! Another gin & bitters! Chop, chop!!!!

  65. [re=587969]ShiningMathPath[/re]: [re=587977]rocktonsammy[/re]: I’m with Rockton on this one. That whole “dead salmon go with the flow thing”? Plagarized from an English critic/writer known for hating both Monty Python and the Beatles. “Our small towns produce good people”? Racist asshole talking about Truman. “Drill baby drill”? Lifted from Micheal Steele (which I know is lame, but he has so little going for him he should at least get credit for that). She hasn’t coined a single novel phrase as far as I can tell.

    Not that you have to be an author or original thinker to be a politician, but when your whole schtick is being “genuine” you really shouldn’t be stealing all your best lines.

    Even then, I wouldn’t care if I didn’t just spend a year having college students plagarize left and right withough thinking about it. Cutting and pasting crap off the internet is so easy, no one even seems to try anymore. I finally had to tell them no internet sources, and studentes were still sloppy about it – and invariably blamed me for not “being clear” that they couldn’t represent other people’s words and thoughts as their own. Makes me want to go back to being a lawyer – at least there if you got caught plagarizing there were some real consequences (mainly public shaming but sometimes sanctions, too).

  66. [re=587977]rocktonsammy[/re]: [re=587981]Berkeley Bear[/re]: The plagiarism is SOP with her, but the deletion of the last line–the dramatic highlight of the original–is something special.

  67. Fine. we’re doing war poetry, eh? Well there’s always this one:

    Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
    Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
    Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
    And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
    Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
    But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
    Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
    Of disappointed shells that dropped behind.

    GAS! Gas! Quick, boys!– An ecstasy of fumbling,
    Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
    But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
    And floundering like a man in fire or lime.–
    Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light
    As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

    In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
    He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

    If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
    Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
    And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
    His hanging face, like a devil’s sick of sin;
    If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
    Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
    Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
    Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,–
    My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
    To children ardent for some desperate glory,
    The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
    Pro patria mori.

    -Wilfred Owen

  68. [re=587981]Berkeley Bear[/re]: There turns out to be a rather simple solution to your problem. Make your students run their own assignments through TurnItIn and submit that result with the assignment.

  69. [re=587991]fishskicanoe[/re]: Wilfred Owen was a Pommy Homo. And he ripped off Horace for the hook line.

    “British War Poet.” As in “British Petroleum”? Hmmmm?

    Why not go with an AmERIKUN?:

    “I have a rendezvous with Death
    At some disputed barricade,
    When Spring comes back with rustling shade
    And apple-blossoms fill the air–
    I have a rendezvous with Death
    When Spring brings back blue days and fair . . . .”

    Alan Seeger

    [None of that lisping assonance stuff that Poofter Owen was trying! AmERIKUN MANLY War Poetry.]

    [re=587981]Berkeley Bear[/re]: “Plagiarize”? You can’t plagiarize a legal brief by “cutting and pasting.” It’s a public record to which no private right of ownership attaches. You cut-and-past like a bastard, and then charge the client full freight for the brief that you “spent hours and hours writ . . . .”


    Forget I said that.

    Back to the poetry. What about Siegfried Sassoon? Another British Homo, named after a Nazi and a hairdresser?:

    “to these I turn, in these I trust;
    Brother Lead and Sister Steel.
    To his blind power I make appeal;
    I guard her beauty clean from rust.”

  70. [re=587981]Berkeley Bear[/re]:” pallin’ around with terrorists” is Palins claim to fame….. she is, after all,
    the Cheerleader of Violence ™

    Neilist, geez, a Sherlockian and quoting Kipling & Sassoon. We may have a love /hate relationship.

  71. Ich hatt’ einen Kameraden,
    Einen bessern findst du nit.
    Die Trommel schlug zum Streite,
    Er ging an meiner Seite
    In gleichem Schritt und Tritt.

  72. I was going to chime in with Mark Twain’s “War Prayer” and then decided fuck it, the fact that a Memorial Day exists alone is depressing enough. Y’all enjoy the beer and BBQ tomorrow though.

  73. Herein lies my favorite war poem (Some Wonkateer referred to it a few months ago.)
    In it’s wit and integrity, it only deepens my contempt for Palin (not to mention her ramshackle fence).

    The Death of the Ball Turret Gunner
    by Randall Jarrell

    From my mother’s sleep I fell into the State,
    And I hunched in its belly till my wet fur froze.
    Six miles from earth, loosed from the dream of life,
    I woke to black flak and the nightmare fighters.
    When I died they washed me out of the turret with a hose.

  74. Get your Palin calendar here:

    Palin 2012 Photo Wall Calendar 9×12
    just $150,000.95

    This high quality 3-month wall calendar features:
    Over 50 photographs of Sarah Palin and her nutty family
    Never before seen photos of Sarah cooking crow
    3 pages of high quality Chinese glossy paper
    Closet dimensions 9%u2033x12%u2033
    Pre-drilled hole for hanging “Liberals”
    Cellophane wrapped by illegal AZ brown skinned guys
    Produced in Panama
    Printed out of a trunk of a ’77 Toyota by former BP Execs behind WackMart

    Special section of Liz Cheney spreading ’em for the troops!

    Sarah Palin went from virtual obscurity to shock therapy in one year.

    “I want to have all your children, line up and drop ’em, MoFo’s”.

  75. [re=587996]sati demise[/re]: “a Sherlockian and quoting Kipling & Sassoon. We may have a love /hate relationship.”

    Card-Carrying Member, Baker Street Irregulars, San Francisco Branch (Scowrers & Molly McGuires): “Dark nights are unpleasant. Yes, for strangers to travel.”

    And I had my hair cut in a Sassoon salon once. But I was younger then, and didn’t know any better.

    The Kipling is just for laughs, and/or to annoy people. Same thing, really.

    [re=588004]Radiotherapy[/re]: Jarrell is a great poet. But he has a “WWII Sensibility” that is very different from that of The Great War Poets. See, e.g., “War And Modern Memory,” by Paul Fussell.

    Another example of the same WWII voice, although by another Bloody Pommy, is “When A Beau Goes In” [“Beau” is short of “Beaufort” or “Beaufighter,” a twin-engine torpedo bomber (the ‘Fort) or fighter (the ‘Fighter)]:

    When a Beau goes in,
    Into the drink,
    It makes you think,
    Because, you see, they always sink
    But nobody says “Poor lad”
    Or goes about looking sad
    Because, you see, it’s war,
    It’s the unalterable law.

    Although it’s perfectly certain
    The pilot’s gone for a Burton
    And the observer too
    It’s nothing to do with you
    And if they both should go
    To a land where falls no rain nor hail nor driven snow—
    Here, there, or anywhere,
    Do you suppose they care?

    You shouldn’t cry
    Or say a prayer or sigh.
    In the cold sea, in the dark
    It isn’t a lark
    But it isn’t Original Sin—
    It’s just a Beau going in.

    –Gavin Ewart

    Okay, time to go annoy some opposing counsel. Safe Memorial Day to all.

  76. I have been out of town and just found out that Mr. Newell is leaving!! us!! alone w/Ken……. Methinks we need a chaperone….

    Good luck Jim in your new (greener??) pasture… We’ll miss you. And Ken will certainly miss you! Will come and read you sometime on Gawker..

    [re=588114]Neilist[/re]: Can you really do that w/legal briefs? (reference your reply to Berkeley Bear) Man I’d be bummed if I was the one being plagiarized…. Sheesh…Lawyers… now I feel dirty. I’ll go wash my hands before I have some bbcue for Memorial Day (yes, I put a flag on my Da’s grave.).

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