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There is literally no aspect of this story that is not hilariousTexas Governor Rick Perry admitted to the press yesterday that he actually occasionally feels fear deep within his mighty, manful chest — fear of legless, poisonous reptile-monsters. This confession took place in the only context in which a male Texan is allowed to discuss vulnerability or emotions of any sort: as part of anecdote about how he shot some living thing in the head and left its corpse to moulder, out in the blighted wasteland that he calls home.

So, yeah, Rick Perry was out jogging with his daughter’s dog and shot and killed a coyote, is the thing. If we had to choose between our own adorable domestic pet and some mangy cur, we’d probably do the same thing, if we carried around a .380 Ruger loaded with hollow-tip bullets when we went jogging! But when we told the story to the press, we would probably not be this hilarious:

“I’m enjoying the run when something catches my eye and it’s this coyote. I know he knows I’m there. He never looks at me, he is laser-locked on that dog,” Perry said.

“I holler and the coyote stopped. I holler again. By this time I had taken my weapon out and charged it. It is now staring dead at me. Either me or the dog are in imminent danger. I did the appropriate thing and sent it to where coyotes go,” he said.

Perry said the laser-pointer helped make a quick, clean kill.

“It was not in a lot of pain,” he said. “It pretty much went down at that particular juncture.”

Please use the phrase “at that particular juncture” today to make a traumatic but life-affirming moment in your day sound like a dull meeting of middle managers! Perry later drank the coyote’s blood and praised its spirit for all the good it had done during its time on this plane of existence.

Perry also said, “Don’t attack my dog or you might get shot … if you’re a coyote.” Why does soft-on-crime Perry refuse to shoot human dog-threateners? (Thanks to reader “Monsieur Grumpe” for the tip.) [CBS]

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117 COMMENTS

  1. What a fucking liar/pussy. That was no coyote, it was my girlfriend’s peekapoo. Things have fraught around the house since the governor capped Noodles.

  2. Laser sight? Ted Nugent would’ve given him a fighting chance by using a bow.

    Soon he will also sign a bill so that Mexicans can be sent where Mexicans go.

  3. You know…I used to do a lot of mountain biking and all I ever carried around was a can of pepper spray. Didn’t work so well on rabid foxes, but I could outrun them. However, it did work a treat on Republicans bugging me because I wasn’t driving a car.

  4. [re=565876]chascates[/re]: From personal exp, M-16s on rock & roll do okay with cobras. Oh, they don’t have cobras in Tejas ‘ceptin’ in the gov’s mansion. Never mind.

  5. Seriously now, I cannot stand Rick Perry. I wish someone would pin him on his secession crap.

    I live in Texas (though not a lifelong Texan). There really are some good folks down here.

  6. Rick Perry, you pussy. Man up and admit that you carry a weapon because you look forward to having the slightest excuse to use it. At least then I could admire your honesty. Snakes? Seriously?

  7. Once again, a good reminder never to go to Texas; any place where people carry guns on them while jogging (really, at any time) is a little too scary to visit.

    I’m just glad this is a little too early for Neilist to be up and spewing.

  8. And to think I was afraid Wonkette would miss the most important part of this tale – the gov’s fear of snakes! Is there a Blingee master in the house?

  9. [re=565894]jus_wonderin[/re]: BTW, and, also: I have a cocker spaniel that is a total ghey (we changed his name to Perez (Hilton) because he would only hump other male dogs), and he kicked the crap out of a coyote that came up to our lake house! All you need to do is throw a small stone at them and they will haul ass for over a quarter mile before they turn to look. They are rabbit, roadrunner (I know, I know), mice/rats, other small animal killers – like Jessica Simpson’s little fucking ankle biter – NOT dangerous to the Governor of a state that has a three drug cocktail on its Dairy Queen menu!!

  10. “It was coming right at me!” Straight out of Jimbo’s debut episode on South Park.

    Where I grew up we had coyotes, but they didn’t go after people. Neither do snakes if you aren’t so pig blind as to all but step on them. Both will go after dogs, because dogs are dumb enough to go after them first. So why didn’t Big Rick have good enough control over the dog to get it near him/pick it up (if its a small enough puppy a coyote would go after it) without having to start blasting away?

  11. [re=565904]Whiskeybaby[/re]: Sorry, turns out Ken has “rules” about just using AP photos off news sites. Photos that are already all over the Internet and nobody can tell where they came from are OK though!

  12. [re=565878]CapnFatback[/re]: He’s just spouting cop-jargon; cops never say they did something “then.” They say they did it “at that particular juncture.” They don’t go, they “proceed,” and they never “see,” they “surveil,” or sometimes “observe.” For example, “at that particular juncture, while I was engaged in the activity of surveilling the alleged perpetrator, I observed indications which my training and experience have taught me are commonly associated with drug-related activities, so I proceeded to unholster my weapon.”

  13. [re=565908]GoinGreen[/re]: I agree. I have seen them on the farm (in La.)and they hightail it the other way immediately. Coyotes/wolves are actually pretty shy. It is really kind of cool to hear them howling in the distance at night.

    Perry just had to recharge his TexasManCard. He personifies truknutz.

  14. [re=565912]Berkeley Bear[/re]: Seriously. Boy Scouts and summers spent at my granddads ranch in Mississippi (now THERE’S a place that makes Texas look reasonable) have taught me that non-bear wild animals are complete fucking pussies. Hell, unless you are just stone cold wearing a suit made of raw steak slathered in honey, or you start fucking with the chilluns, bears will be pussies too.

    Chill out, humans. Animals just don’t much want to hang out with/eat you.

  15. [re=565903]Prommie[/re]: For snakes, I’ve found going, “Hey cool, a snake!” and watching it move around for a while until it darts off works as well. Snakes are awesome; but Perry seems to have some sick need to fire his long, hard cylindrical weapon at a long, cylindrical wriggling creature.

  16. [re=565876]chascates[/re]:

    That was my thought, as well. Funny, I saw lots and lots of snakes while living in Texas or Louisiana. Didn’t need a gun to protect myself from any of them. I just moved away from them when I saw them. If I hadn’t seen one and stepped on it, it would have bit me and my concerns would have been other than plugging the thing.

  17. [re=565915]Prommie[/re]: Thank you for the perfect description of the nonsense necessary to support “reasonable suspicion” to do a stop and frisk. Presumably something similar will be the standard language to justify stop and harass for papers of brown people (and the resulting carnage) in Arizona. Something like: “at that particular juncture, while I was engaged in the activity of fapping it in my patrol car, I observed indications which my training and experience have taught me are commonly associated with illegal immigrants, so I proceeded to pistol whip 4 brown people for an hour. I then proceeded to request documentation, at which point I observed one of the brown people to make a furtive movement which suggested less than prompt compliance. I determined myself to be in imminent harm at this juncture, and proceeded to use minimally adequate force to establish control of the situation. This force consisted of expending 42 rounds, which ultimately proved fatal to all of the prisoners.”

  18. What he couldn’t see was the nest of pups that she was trying to distract him from. He should really add a line about a warning shot in there. Idiot.

  19. I lived in Texas for 4 years-grad school- and although I dearly loved Austin and many Texans, I was very happy to leave as anywhere except Austin was unbelievably backwards and full of idiots like Rick “Check My Package” Perry.

  20. I loved that book as a child- Where Coyotes Go.

    I don’t remember the crazy sack of hair with the gun being in it though. Must be one of them new “Texas versions” of books, for learning.

  21. Putin would have bitten the coyote’s head off, hollowed out the skull with his erection, and done shots of Stolichnaya out of it. Whatsa matter, Ricky, ya little pantywaist!

  22. [re=565935]Berkeley Bear[/re]: Bravo, sir, I was indeed thinking of the Arizona law, but didn’t have time to tailor the comment in that direction.

    Did you know that every drug dealer in the world, uniformly and unvaryingly, reaches into his pocket and attempts to surreptitiously scatter “glassine packets” (which a trained and experienced police officer knows are the standard means of packaging illicit narcotics) on the ground, as soon as they see a police officer approaching them? I should say, “as soon as they observe a police officer proceeding in their direction.”

  23. Good God – what a piece of giant steaming Texas shit this guy is. The coyote was undoubtedly scard out of its wits, being extra still and quiet in the hopes that Perry wouldn’t notice it. I was walking my dogs in the canyons here a few weeks ago and stumbled on a female coyote and her pup. Nothing is pissier than a mom with a pup, and they just watched us walk by and then scampered away.

    Here I sit my cheeks a flexin, givin birth to another Texan.

  24. “sent it to where coyotes go”

    Hopefully some place better than texas. Yeah…I know. I setting the bar pretty low here.

    Texas: It ain’t hell, but you can see if from there.

  25. [re=565944]hoosiermama[/re]: The carcasses are sent directly to Sarah Palin’s house and served raw to all the retards (of course, there’s a brief prayer asking for more money first).

  26. Please Mr. Perry, I would like to have a deeper theological discussion about “where coyotes go”. You have left me with many unanswered questions.

  27. So:

    Man and large dog (Labrador retriever) go running. Small undomesticated canid (coyote) sees them, stares at large dog. Man sees coyote. Man screams and yells at coyote. Coyote stares at man. Man, feeling threatened by the attention, takes preemptive action by pulling massive hand cannon and blowing off head of small canine. Preening and boasting follow.

    Fucking Texas governors. Do we need a “Your dick must be at least this big to be governor of Texas?” amendment?

    Though British intelligence has learned that the coyote may have been coordinating activities with the snakes which the gun (a fucking .380 with fucking hollow points) was originally intended to be used against.

  28. [re=565876]chascates[/re]: From personal experience, I recommend that Gov. Perry go jogging with a hoe. A nice sharp hoe works better than either .380 or shot pellets.

  29. My pops carries mace when he goes running in case he encounters the local dumbass’s unfenced dogs while out and about. That way if something happens you don’t have to be “that guy who shot the neighbor’s dog with a gun in the street.”

    Unfortunately in Texas that sort of title is a compliment.

  30. [re=565915]Prommie[/re]: Thanks. Thought there was something hinky ’bout that lingo – “It pretty much went down” – but then consciousness lapsed.

    “Pretty much” a euphemism for “writhed and spasmed in the agony of death throes for a long two minutes.”

    Por ‘lil coyote.

  31. A coyote lived in our neighborhood, right on our block, for at least two summers. He ate out of our gardens, caught mice around the creek. No one ever got near him/her, because he/she was very shy and very low key. When someone at the neighborhood association meeting suggested shooting it, everyone booed.

  32. When I read, “that particular juncture” the first think I thought of was Idiocracy and how the cops constantly said “this particular individual”

  33. [re=565912]Berkeley Bear[/re]: I was wondering why the asshole couldn’t just pick up his dog.

    Funny thing, ha ha, turns out coyotes outside of the Northeast are fairly small, between about 24 to 31 pounds. In the Northeast they can be up around 40 pounds. This looks like a good site for facts about coyotes, and it points up to how maligned they are, and how people equate them with grey wolves, which they decidedly do not resemble. Oh, and alone, a coyote can only take down a small dog. It takes a pack to take down a deer. How big was asshole’s dog? Why do I doubt he was running with a chihuahua?

    Another funny thing, ha ha, NYC cops caught a coyote coming out of the Holland Tunnel in March. They shot it with a tranquilizer gun and probably relocated it. God, I hope they didn’t send it to Texas.

  34. [re=566003]CthuNHu[/re]: Actually, if it was a Ruger .380, it was probably an LCP which is the handgun equivalent of a sequined clutch purse. Pussy.

  35. Long ago, it was considered your moral(!) duty to kill a coyote (see Steinbeck, John). But since it was discovered that they actually mostly eat vermin (instead of sheep) they are no longer routinely killed.
    I guess Texas never got the memo.

  36. [re=566049]DemmeFatale[/re]:

    I accidentally ran over a big rattler with my old Volkswagen, but I suspect that makes me less of a bad ass. I thought there were two branches in the road. I ran over one branch, then opened the door to get out and move the larger branch. Looked down, the “branch” I’d run over was the largest darn rattlesnake I’d ever seen flopping it’s death throes right there sticking out from behind the front tires. I looked at the bigger “branch”, the one I thought I needed to move rather than drive over, and it was a HUGE, prehistoric looking mother of a rattlesnake. I closed the door and honked the horn until it crawled off the road into the ditch.

  37. [re=565915]Prommie[/re]: Many moons ago, my then-girlfriend-now-wife were smooching on a tree stump in the park at dawn and a cop pulled up to us and grilled us, citing that he had gotten reports that there were people “going through the various stages of undress” in the park. Shit ye, I do not.

  38. In the Greater Boston area the coyotes are seriously huge. Yet we mostly refrain from gunplay at the sight of one.
    So we’re liberal pussies, I guess?

  39. [re=565915]Prommie[/re]: And don’t forget the two great cop place holders, to show they’re being a little ironic, a little tongue-in-cheek, “so to speak” and “if you will.”

  40. “It is now staring dead at me. Either me or the dog are in imminent danger.”

    Danger of what exactly? Losing a staring contest? “I’ll teach you to stare at me you mangy mutt.” What a tool.

  41. I hunt coyotes. They run in the other direction when they encounter humans, so I call BS on Perry’s story. But then, I live in a state that has a Congressman that it proves his manhood by shooting a raccoon with a .50 cal Desert Eagle.

  42. Shi-tzus are not dogs. Thats a scientific fact, they are rodents.

    I am offended! I once owned a shi ‘tzu, and it was not a rodent! It was a retarded piglet.

  43. If this turd was living where he was supposed to live (in the Governor’s mansion) instead of his remote $9000 a month taxpayer rented mansion he wouldn’t have to kill anything or worry about any stupid rat snakes.

  44. [re=565892]JMP[/re]: “Spewing”? Oh, that hurts. It really does.

    [re=566330]Words[/re]: Sorry, tied up in a deposition. Given the number of the posts that have already pointed out that a .380 is more appropriately carried in a lady’s purse, I’ll just offer a little light-hearted humor:

    Q. How is a Ruger .380 like a fat girl and/or a moped?

    A: All three can be full to play with, but you don’t want your friends to see you with any of them.

    (Thank you! Thank you! You’re a wonderful audience! Two shows nightly! No cover! Try the veal, and be sure to tip your waitress!)

  45. rick perry shot a coyote the same cheney shot birds, i.e. only when they (the birds/coyotes) were in cages with their wings clipped and/or when he (the guy with the little-dick complex) was so shit-faced he accidentally shot a septegeniarian lawyer in the face.

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