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Do you like cereal? Do you like eating multiple cereals at once? Do you have any dignity? If you answered yes to the first two and no to the last, then The Cereal Bowl in the now semi-revived Cleveland Park might just be for you! Even though there really is nothing more simple, nothing that connects man more with his roots, than his ability to put cereal in a bowl, add milk, fruit, whatever, and eat it, for breakfast, in his home, this task can now be completed for $4 at a place of business. This is either the stupidest concept ever, or… nope, nope. This is the stupidest concept ever.

But for a business like this to even exist, it must mean that all of this economic unpleasantness can’t be that bad after all. Hooray the recession is over!

This is a Cereal Bowl. Your Wonkabout created it all by herself, but if you’re too stupid to choose four brand name cereals to put together in a bowl, the store offers some “signature blends.” Babysitting your diabetic little brother and feel like getting him to shut up for awhile? Get him the “Sweetest Thing” bowl — Lucky Charms, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Fruity Pebbles, VANILLA WAFERS and Rainbow Sprinkles.

This is the toppings bar, as cereal, like its close relative frozen yogurt, must be topped with such goodies as gummy worms, chocolate chips, marshmallows, and sprinkles. This is the station where you get to get back at your parents for making you eat Cheerios with bananas and not candy for breakfast.

If it was at least a do-it-yourself cereal bar it would be a little less baffling, but it’s not.

Oatmeal is a fine, healthy breakfast snack, especially when it comes with apple pie filling, strawberries, caramel and graham cracker bits as it does in this signature blend, ironically called ‘Mother Knows Best.’ Fun fact: This is what Sarah Palin serves Trig for breakfast when she is not neglecting him.

To add insult to injury, the employees all wear a “uniform” of pajamas. This is why the terrorists hate us.

Some say having a place like this makes us as cool as New York. These people have not been to New York.

We would like to take the time to point out the redeeming qualities of The Cereal Bowl, because, amazingly, it has some.

  • Despite being one of the wealthiest areas in DC, Cleveland Park is dying, so a new business is a good thing! And we can all take comfort in the fact that the clientele is mostly high school kids using their parent’s money to buy cereal and not drugs!
  • It’s hard to find a good cup of coffee, pastry or breakfast sandwich in Cleveland Park and the Cereal Bowl does sell these elusive items.
  • If you don’t add shit to your oatmeal, it can be a healthy breakfast item, and their oatmeal is cheaper and way better quality than the instant crap you get at Starbucks.
  • They also have parfaits, low-fat vanilla yogurt and granola with a topping of your choice (please not gummy worms), which also fall into the “healthy, reasonably inexpensive, way better than the crap you can get at Starbucks” category.

Basically, all the non-cereal aspects of the Cereal Bowl are great. And, for what it’s worth, we go out for eggs, sandwiches, toast, soup, etc. all of which we can make at home, so why should cereal be any different? We’re just scared for the next idiotic, gimmicky place that will call the District home: “Random shit for pregnant chicks.” “The Stoner’s Pantry.” “Tap Water on Tap…”

The Cereal Bowl, 3420 Connecticut Ave NW, Washington, DC 20008, 202-244-4492

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  • qwerty42

    The terrorists have won.

  • qwerty42
  • Mahousu

    I see they are opening a branch in Qatar. Not only have the terrorists won, but at this point they’ve lapped us a couple of times.

  • SayItWithWookies

    This is what the Death Panels give you for breakfast if it’s thumbs down, isn’t it?

  • Sharkey

    Please please tell me they wear underwear beneath the pajamas. And are there toothbrushes and toothpaste and showers in the restrooms?

  • Hamilton

    Did you spot Ken Layne in this location?

  • Mr Blifil

    Is it all chicks behind the counter? Because it’s embarrassing to be wearing PJs and sporting morning wood at the workplace. Not more embarrassing than blending Count Chocula with Frankenberries and Captain Crunch and Honey Bunches of Oats topped with licorice twists and crumbled Butterfingers bars, pouring milk on it and calling it “breakfast,” but close.

  • JGabriel

    “To add insult to injury, the employees all wear a ‘uniform’ of pajamas.”

    Pajama bottoms will be the casual day uniform of the 21st Century, just as Chinos / Khakis – which started as Indian pajama bottoms – became the casual day uniform of the 20th.

    .

  • x111e7thst

    That high school students are wasting their parents hard earned dollars on cereal when they should insted be experimenting with drugs is just one more sign of how far this once great nation has fallen.

    I’m waiting for my Cap’n Crunch
    Four dollars (plus tax and tip) in my hand

    No, just no

  • Troubledog

    There was a chain called Cereality that I came across while schlepping through an airport. I gasped in amazement as (1) every person was fascinated with the concept and (2) nobody was buying any cereal from the cutie in the pajama bottoms.

    Since it looks like Cereality is still holding on by their fingernails to a few locations per http://www.cereality.com/exp_stores.php , they might be interested that this Cereal Bowl upstart has hijacked their entire business model, even the brand identity look and feel is similar.

    Summon the lawyers.

  • AlexisHidell

    We had one of these “Cereal Bowls” in Iowa City a few years ago. It was open for about two months before it morphed into a sandwich place. If a town full of college-aged stoners and drunks couldn’t keep a stupid idea like this afloat, I seriously doubt it will last long in Cleveland Park.

  • Garnet

    I’ve seen one of these in Berkeley. It didn’t last very long. What kind of stupid people would go to a cereal bar?

  • Sarrah

    @@

  • DCDave

    Probably the same kind of stupid people who would go to an ice cream or frozen yogurt shop and pay $5 for half a pint… based on the argument of how easy it is to put cereal in a bowl, one could put ice cream in a bowl at home pretty darn easy too!

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