History's Greatest Monsters, starring Sarah Palin.All Sarah Palin ever wanted to be in her whole life was a teevee host. This is Documented Fact, and the whole “politics” thing simply grew out of her failure to get a full-time spot on the local news in Anchorage. It didn’t work out, of course, because Sarah Palin was too dumb and untalented for the local news in Anchorage.

And so she became mayor of a gravel pit behind a strip mall and next thing you know John “I will literally try fucking anything at this point” McCain went ahead and chose her as the GOP candidate for Vice President of the United States of America, in 2008. And then, that same day, the entire global financial system collapsed. It still hasn’t recovered! But she has. Sarah Palin always recovers, because she has her Eye on the Prize, and that Prize is whatever they call the basic cable version of a Daytime Emmy.

(Did Sarah Palin cause the collapse of global financial markets and the worst recession in a century all by herself? We don’t yet know “for sure,” but the Dow did open at 11,730 the morning before John McCain pulled his Palin stunt, and by day’s end the DJIA had plunged 187 points. It would drop another 320 points during the GOP convention in St. Paul the next week, and finish that awful month of September down another 700 points — including a 501-point drop on a single day, September 15, that was the biggest fall since the 9/11 attacks. Home values fell TWENTY PERCENT over this same month, nationwide. There was a bank run on previously safe “money market funds,” Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac collapsed and were bailed out by the Fed, Lehman Bros. went bust, AIG was bailed out next, major banks collapsed, John McCain was so freaked out about his IRA that he canceled — and then uncanceled — a debate with Obama ….. it was chaos, insanity, and it was all her fault, for existing.)

Anyway now she’s got a deal to make a Discovery Channel show about Alaska, land of helicopter hunting and tattoo parlors. Majestic! It will air once a year or whenever she decides to show up for work, before the “History’s scariest UFO drawings” program and right after the one about the mysteries of pizza — apparently, it is made of different “foods” that are “cooked” before the weird middle-aged guy with a balding ponytail and a limp delivers it to you in a cardboard box covered in logos. THE END. [The Awl/Variety]

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  1. This is what former vp candidates that were journalism majors do. It’s nice to see a “journalist” can still find employment during these tough times.

  2. How about a live action “King of the Hill?” Sarah as Peggy Hill; Todd as Hank; Trig as Bobby; and Bristol as Luann. McCain can be ol’ sawed off Cotton Hill. Fun for the whole family.

  3. If Discovery can make Neo Nazi loving Jesse James sound, well, reasonable then Simple Sarah might have a chance.

    I actually don’t see this ending well for either Discovery or Simple Sarah’s clan of grifting retards. Not because I wish them ill will or anything, just seems to be the way of the Palin.

  4. And I’ve been enjoying Life, and like some of Discovery’s other shows (the ones that are actually about science, not following around workmen or ghosts and other supernatural shit). Damn her, I can’t watch that channel anymore.

    From Variety: “Palin may have also been concerned over being lumped in with some of A&E’s stars — such as Gene Simmons or Dog the Bounty Hunter”. I don’t know about the Demon, but the man who called his sons girlfriend an n-word would fit right in with Palin and her fans.

  5. Wherein we find that Alaska was once populated by free peoples clad in sealskins who ate mooseburgers until some leftists came along and gave them healthcare. Now only a few survivors eke out a tenuous existence scraping lichens off of the sparse tundra rocks.

  6. Pshaww…like any of SnowGrifter’s fans have ever even turned on the Discovery Channel. I imagine they are all too busy watching Toddlers & Tiaras, the “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant” shows and The Removal of my 80lb Tumor.

  7. Oh fuck (and not on a good, health-carey Biden way) I was about to comment the funniest thing EVER, just after I read this, but Spooky Doktor Tom is about to be on MSNBC so I’m going to go inspect some bees, because bee sting is much better than being confronted with what a stupid place I live.


  8. Next thing you know we’ll see Tony Bourdain taking us on a culinary tour of Wasilla’s finest moose eateries. I don’t even want to think about the parts he’ll scarf down.

  9. [re=538306]stew[/re]: Yes yes, we see all these “statistics”…

    * 67 percent of Republicans (and 40 percent of Americans overall) believe that Obama is a socialist.
    * 57 percent of Republicans believe that Obama is a Muslim
    * 45 percent of Republicans…believe Obama was “not born in the United States and so is not eligible to be president”
    * 38 percent of Republicans say Obama is “doing many of the things that Hitler did”
    * 24 percent of Republicans say Obama “may be the Antichrist.”

    What we don’t see is that only 27 percent of Murricans are Republicans. But the media, driven by their hunger for seeming “balance” and dramatic “conflict,” continue to speak about the Republicans as though they mattered any more than the Green Party or the CPUSA or the Surrealist Light People’s Party.

    Which they don’t. I mean, they’ve put a Black guy in charge. How seriously can you take them?

  10. “to be produced by Mark Burnett Prods…”
    Same guy who made “Survivor”!

    Can we just make her mud wrestle Richard Hatch, stand on a pole for 12 hours, and force her to eat rice for 39 days?

  11. Sarah: “And now it’s time for our weekly segment ‘Alaska’s Grimiest Oil Rigs with Meg Stapleton’. What do we have this week, Meg?”

    Meg: “Today’s ‘Harvester of God’s Beneficence’ is Rig #AK1206b — ‘The Fightin’ 1206′ — and is known for it’s rugged crew — all of whom have criminal records and are behind on their child-support payments!”

    Sarah: “Fascinating! And now to Todd, whose getting an ‘Arctic Cat’ tattoo at Anchorage’s premiere shop, known only as ‘Tattoo'”

  12. Just what I needed in time for my spring purge: action shots of this open sore bare-backing a glacier. I am excited, however, to begin boycotting whatever corporate entities purchase airtime for this cavalcade of verbal loose stools.

  13. I’m betting this will involve lots of Alaska stock footage, a disembodied narrator and five minutes of Sarah Palin introducing the program and dropping in now and again to remind you she’s there.

    In other words, she’ll shoot all her spots in two days and be done with it, if she shows up for work at all.

    Poor Sarah, so close to the seat of power in Washington, now just another personality on basic cable. It’s a bitch paying off legal bills, ain’t it, girl?

  14. [re=538315]Elephants Gerald[/re]:

    Why did California? To say Hawaii!

    What did Tennessee? What Arkansas!

    I always liked the old jokes!

  15. Wasn’t it Discovery that sponsored Lance Armstrong’s final blood-doped Tour de France? This may be part of their pro-dope business plan.

  16. Is she going to show us where Todd gets his no-cost building products and volunteer labor? If so, I’ll tune in, ’cause I could use some of that sweet stuff. Free lake-shore, multi-story “cabins” for everyone!

  17. Discovery already has 5 million + hours of Texas/Alaska Transplants acting like redneck assholes between the 80,000 variants of Deadliest Catch, Ice Road Truckers, Axe Men, etc. They may also be the channel with the “Bigger in Alaska” show. So what’s the allure? Taping of people buying and doing meth, rather than just running around higher than a kite? More jibber jabber about how the wildlife just loooves to get close to the pipelines? Seriously, what more crap could they possibly show that Snowbilly would want anything to do with (can’t go see the First Peoples, since the melting of their villages sorta screws with the whole idea that climate change is made up; can’t go to Anchorage or Juneau because people who didn’t go to high school with her might see her and laugh at her sorry ass)?

  18. [re=538308]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Hey, Jesse James may have bad taste in tail-on-the-side, but at least he can build motorcycles. What can Sarah do? Her show appears to require her only to talk, but we know she sucks at that.

  19. Sarah will be driving a cab around Anchorage asking her passengers gotcha questions while taking them to their destinations. “It’s a TV game show that takes place right here in my taxi, you betcha! What do you say, do you want to play?”

  20. Aw, for fuck’s sake. I used to love Discovery, but every time I flip past it now there’s nothing on but fucking ghosts or some fucking shark special (of course, the same’s true for the History Channel, where everything is about Hitler, Nostradamus and/or biblical prophecy). Mike Rowe’s OK, but the rest of the channel has gone to the dogs. This worthless load of tripe will fit right in.

    [re=538325]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: …the “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant” shows… Um, seriously? What could be next – “How hard would you bite your toddler for $5000”?

  21. Frankly, I’m surprised the reality show we all knew was coming wasn’t going to be one of those Kate Gosselin/Michelle Dugar meets the Kardashian type things where a camera follows around the Palin clan and shows off what a wacky family they can be, especially when getting knocked up at 16 or being thrown on stage at rallies as a prop. Failing that, maybe a “Housewives of Wasilla” type show or “Dancing with the Stars” (which we all know is in her future) or “Celebrity Apprentice.” This show might not be that bad.

  22. Maybe they’ll show Todd coming home from a sled-dog race early and catching her in bed with Levi or something fun like that. Think of the competing head shot interviews

    Todd: Well I never “aspected” this, I’ll tell you what…”
    Sarah: “Jesus told me that screwing Levi would heal the family, and if Todd don’t like it Jesus will send him to hell. Also.”

  23. I feel like if I could get three minutes with her in private I could straighten her out. I will talk to her in the low growly voice. It will be super hot.

  24. [re=538421]Berkeley Bear[/re]: The allure for Discovery is getting the ratings from conservatives tuning in for their fapfapfapping in lieu of porn. It also goes along with the ghost, Nostradamus, alien visitation and Bible shows in spouting fake bullshit.

    [re=538432]Joey Ratz[/re]: I believe I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant is on TLC, which has now become the all baby, all the time channel. Almost every one of their shows now is either about some crazy family with a shitload of kids or pregnant women.

  25. [re=538306]stew[/re]: And I especially appreciate the Party’s ™ provision that if you do not harbor paranoid schizophrenic/violent/demon obsessed opinions about the duly elected president of the united states you can no longer be considered a true republican and must be cast into the outer darkness with the RINO’s. Great marketing Steele. Also the Hitler references might be reminding people who’s side you were on in the Big One.

  26. [re=538345]DustBowlBlues[/re]: I can’t help wondering what happened to you Okies. I remember my old granny railing against them Wooden-Haids (Hoover republicans) who’s impenetrable stupidity and greed brought on the great depression. Of course I know what it is, my aunt, just before she left the Southern Baptist church, declared publicly that “Jeesus Krist was a secular hoomanist.” She couldn’t go back after that.

  27. Sarah “Sassy” Palin is a natural. She knows all about Alaska. She can see it from her back porch. She knows all about TV. She watches her image on it all day. She knows all about speaking. She’s heard words.

    It’s the thinking part that has her stymied.

  28. Sarah Palin always recovers, because she has her Eye on the Prize, and that Prize is whatever they call the basic cable version of a Daytime Emmy.

    Hey, doesn’t everybody want to be rogered in a back alley by some dude falsely claiming to be Robert Newman? I know that was the highpoint of my big Hollywood adventure.

  29. “Stuff I can See From My Front Porch. With Sarah Palin”

    In tonight’s episode, the shed, the snow machine and a couple of rims Track boosted before he went to I-Rack.

  30. Sarah Palin is starring in a new porn show on Starz with Michele Malkin and Ann Coulter, and their contracts require that all three of them regularly host hour-long shows wearing only knee-high leather boots.

  31. The new show is called “S.W.A.G.” (“Stuff We All Get”). The Gov’Nor, her family and friends, and her ontourage, get five minutes in a big room filled with various commercially-branded items.

    Prizes go to the one who can cram the most S.W.A.G. into his or her pockets.

    Extra points for berating the poor sap standing at the table: “What do you mean I can only have fifteen pair o’ earbuds, Bud?” “Dang it, don’t you know who I am?” “Is this ALL?”

    Then everybody sits around and compares what they got, like Halloween kids going through their trick-or-treat sacks.

  32. [re=538303]Rosie Scenario[/re]:
    Better yet, a live action “Jackass,the Movie” with snow machines, caribou, and RUSSIANS.
    After all, they all live within a few miles of the convenience store/pharmacy where she snowshoes to pick up supplies….

  33. After reading all the comments above, I’m so fucking glad I never ponied up for cable teevee. I get all I need of that at work, and even there I only turn it on for baseball, football and the occasional presidential election returns once every 4 years or so.

  34. [re=538815]Hutch[/re]: Other fragrance names:

    Karibou (cuz K’s are klassy)
    Ididarod (evokes the victory and the agony of defeat in the frozen frontier, and memories of High School)
    Obsession (oh, that’s been used, sorry)
    Genesis (as a counterpoint to Eternity)
    Franknonsense (if it was good enuff for baby jesus, it’s good enuff for Trig)
    Myrrh (actually this has no biblical reference for Sarah. It is the sound a snowmachine makes climbing a drift)
    Pallin’ Around (a pair casual scents sold in bottles that “mate”)

  35. Palin on the T.V.! Count me in, I’ll be her biggest fan. If this is what she really wants to do, I’m all for it. Only I noticed this story says it is just for one Discovery Channel show about Alaska, land of helicopter hunting and tattoo parlors. No No she needs a regular T.V. gig, something to keep her real busy, very busy, too busy to be in politics. She should showcase herself and her ideas become the new mavricky Jerry Springer of Alaska. How about it, lets all support a T.V. gig for Palin. Let us create a place for wisdom like this; ”They are also building schools for the Afghan children so that there is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan.” Let us all get behind a new flow for the Governett.

  36. nappyduggs: Just what I needed in time for my spring purge: action shots of this open sore bare-backing a glacier. I am excited, however, to begin boycotting whatever corporate entities purchase airtime for this cavalcade of verbal loose stools.

    Had something else in mind, but just can’t improve on this.

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