His face sure is funnyYou commies are always so upset with terrible Sen. Ben Nelson that you miss the whole friggin’ point of his existence: Ben Nelson shits humor. Think of the two funniest things ever, now. That’s right: Ben Nelson was the comedian behind both the knock-knock construction and the JFK assassination! And as the Washington Post tells us this morning, he has even more jokes that he loves to play on his humorless legislative colleagues, so as to endear himself to them. Let’s laugh at his jokes!

The Post came around to this “local color” piece by thinking of legislative pranks on par with those of Eric Massa, whose pranks were usually of the gay sexual harassment comedic flavor. Hey, whatever excuse it takes to get this old rainy-day A2 story off the shelves!

Then there’s Sen. Ben Nelson (D-Neb.), who styles himself as an accomplished practical joker. A classic Nelson gag: asking incoming senators just before their swearing-in ceremony which Bible verses they’ll read at the ceremony and watching them blanch at their unpreparedness. (There’s no such requirement, you see.) During such lighthearted moments, the senator likes to show his hand with a hearty “Gotcha!,” says Nelson’s communications director, Jake Thompson.

Oh yeah… ha ha… wait, what? (NOTE TO SELF: AVOID FRUMPY CORN MAN.)

A favorite Nelson target is Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-Mo.). About two years ago, Nelson and some staff members sneaked into McCaskill’s office and pasted Nelson’s face over McCaskill’s on all of her office photos. McCaskill paid him back a few months later by pasting University of Missouri Tigers garb on the pictures in Nelson’s office.


[Washington Post]

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  1. Oh my, what rakish pranks! Why, his sense of humor rivals that of legendary funnyman Dicky Cohen; much better than those uncouth vulgarians like Stewart and Colbert.

    To be fair, those picture pranks would probably amuse your average second-grader. Why, in two years Nelson might move on to booger and dead baby jokes.

  2. [re=528630]JMP[/re]: Yeah apparently when you work for a Senator you can “sneak into” other people’s offices and fuck with their shit and a good time is had by all, but if you don’t work for a Senator and you run a prank like say, interfering with their telephone system, you become a Federal felon! HAW!

    Also University of Missouri Tigers garb=furries.

  3. “Then there was that time me and a junior aide decided to sneak up and scare Gillibrand when she was doing some lines and cleaning her gun – that second bit we didn’t know about – so anyway, when we jumped out and yelled “Freeze! DEA!” She just instinctively whirled about and started randomly squeezing off rounds. She a terrible aim, fortunately for me, but not so fortunately for my aide. A Glock nine leaves a helluva hole in man’s neck at that range, and he died. But his family got a nice big settlement out of it, so, all in all, it was a pretty sweet prank to pull on the noob.”

  4. Coulda been worse. Imagine if he’d plastered pictures of his penis all over McCaskill’s office, which is where I assumed this was going. I’m a little disappointed actually.

  5. Hey, I got one for him. Tell that sack-o-shit DINO that the language in the next health care bill they vote for outlaws abortions everywhere, when in fact it’ll mandate abortions for all Nebraskans. Hahahahahahahaha, Ben Nelson.

  6. That is not funny, that is horrifying! Imagine if you went into work one day only to discover that, in photos, you looked like Ben Nelson. Just cruel.

  7. [re=528644]Polisurgist[/re]: Q: What did the dead baby say to Sen. Nelson? A.: Why did you stall the health reform bill so long that my mom had to go into labor without insurance, then try to give birth at home instead of a hospital, so that I died of complications which could’e easily been treated?

    [re=528634]Cape Clod[/re]: That was good, but Bunning’s bit where he stopped people from getting unemployment benefits topped that.

    I do wonder why the Post thinks this is front page news; the incredibly tangential and awkward attempt to connect it to the Massa resignation doesn’t help. It’s too bad there’s no Senator who used to be a professional comedian; then the Post would have had to interview him or her for the story.

  8. “A classic Nelson gag: asking incoming senators just before their swearing-in ceremony which Bible verses they’ll read at the ceremony…”

    Back in my grade school Catholic days, I would’ve quoted him one of those saucy “she knew him in the night” passages. These days, I enjoy erotica that has less genocide in it.

  9. I thought after reading this article that Nelson would appreciate the old “urinate on your office carpet” routine but it turns out Sen. Nelson’s sense of humour isn’t as big as the Post claims.

  10. Oi veh — the reporter goes on to interview what he thinks is an actual comedian and it turns out to be one of the Capitol Steps people — so even their idea of what real humor is is fundamentally deficient.

  11. [re=528652]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Since you bring it up, it’s not off-topic: WTF is “snorkeling?”

    Just read that Massa’s Navy colleagues brought this up and that it has somthing to do with the guy in the top bunk and the guy in the bottom bunk. Huh?

    Urban dictionary has over a hundred definitions. Some of them don’t even seem anatomically possible.

    Inquiring minds want to know. I get all my sex instruction from Wonkette…

  12. Ben Nelson, or Leatherface, as he is affectionately called by his fun-loving Senate Colleagues has an uproarious laugh. Looks like the Grand Canyon during a 9.9 Earthquake; at 35,000 feet… These motherfuckers have way too much free time!

  13. [re=528695]BOOBIES![/re]: Meh, the Post wastes time, ink, and paper on a daily basis, particularly printing opinion pieces by douchebags like Krauthammer, Thiessen, et al. At least with Nelson’s jokes thousands of trees don’t die every day.

    Kittens, on the other hand…

  14. [re=528648]user-of-owls[/re]: [re=528662]JMP[/re]: Bunning and Nelson make people like Dana Milbank think they should try their hand at humor. With disaterous results.

  15. Fuck it. Wait for Congress to be in session, chain the doors, burn the Capitol Building to the ground and salt the scorched earth to insure nothing grows again.

  16. [re=528679]Prommie[/re]: Heh, that reminds me of my days as a brewer. At our high-volume brewpub, the head chef was always sending the new kitchen guys back to the brewery with an empty pail to fetch him a “bucket of steam.”

    It got us to thinking, “wouldn’t it be cool to actually send this poor schnook back with a bucket full of steam?” so we actually tried to catch steam in a bucket a few times, with poor results.

  17. Hahahahaha..Ole’ Benny is such a card. Back at the frat house, Benny would tie hand caught flies to string and then superglue forty or fifty of the strings to his whizzle. His wang would seem to levitate on its own while the flies would recite bible verses he taught them. Ole’ Benny had the gift of catching you by the short hairs alright.

  18. “I pick up the phone and say, ‘Pizza Hut,’ ” [Lindsay] Graham told the newspaper. “He says, ‘This is Vice President Biden.’ I say, ‘I don’t give a damn who you are, this is Pizza Hut and we’re busy. What do you want?’ He says, ‘I’m sorry,’ and I say, ‘No, no, don’t hang up.’ It threw him for a loop.”

    OMG. They are in Junior High. No wonder we’re so fucked.

  19. This is almost as hilarious as the prank he played by denying the license of a nuclear waste dump that his state had agreed to build, costing the state $145 million. Gotcha!

  20. [re=528799]earnestcivilservant[/re]: The next day, he actually called Pizza Hut, and had twenty pizzas delivered to the White House, which they then had to pay for. And all the toppings were bad!

  21. [re=528745]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I used to run cable crews for the phone company. We would send new guys out to get a can of “cable slack” for too-short lengths of cable. Good Times.

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  24. He does this thing with his staffers where he goes two-knuckles deep in their cornhole and asks “how many?” Then he says “Gotcha”

  25. knock knock

    who’s there?

    i’m a greedy old whore who values insurance lobby campaign contributions over expanding health care coverage for the american people.

  26. poor black people are deprived of health care like THIS

    rich white people obstruct incremental health care reform like THIS

    don’t forget to tip your waitresses.

  27. Wow haha…Ben Nelson is so funny he just suddenly made Jay Leno funny, and Jay Leno is NEVER funny. It would be nice for the ex-bloodsucking insurance company CEO turned Senator who protects his fellow bloodsucking insurance company CEO’s to take his act on the road and perform standup for a living…really, anything aside from being anywhere near governance, really. Also, he could take Lieberman with him and Blanche Lincoln could be the “straight man”. The jokes practically write themselves! Their best bit? When the two old, rich white men laugh and reminisce about how the time they denied millions of people decent healthcare to protect and enrich their fellow bloodsucking insurance company cocksuckers…ah, good times for all!

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