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HAVE SOME WINEFormer Missouri House Speaker Rod Jetton, who was arrested Monday night for allegedly beating the fucking shit out of a ladyfriend during a case of BDSM gone wrong — possibly because he had roofied her, which made it super hard for her to say “green balloons” during the fifth or sixth donkey punch and/or choking episode — has dissolved his lobbying firm, Jetton and Associates. According to a statement, he wants to spend more time with his family HAAHAHAH OH YES SURE YOU DO DIPSHIT.

Also, his firm was actively lobbying while he was House Speaker, which doesn’t sound illegal at all:

Former House Speaker Rod Jetton sent an aftershock through Missouri’s political terrain Tuesday, saying he will close his political consulting firm to fight a felony charge that he assaulted a Sikeston woman.

Jetton “will be leaving politics to deal with false allegations and spend time with his family,” said his attorney, Stephen Wilson, in a written statement. “He is confident that when the facts of this case are heard, he will be found innocent.”

Formed in 2004, the same year Jetton was elected speaker, Jetton and Associates eventually became one of the go-to GOP political shops in the state because of his connections in the General Assembly.

Anyway we just posted this as an excuse to show the police photo, obvs.

With assault accusation, Rod Jetton’s political world unravels [Kansas City Star]

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  • RoscoePColtraine

    I didn’t know they made scrunchies for the face.

  • Decker

    Has anyone bothered to ask his family if they want to spend more time with him?

  • Gorillionaire

    Points for Clockwork Orange reference.

  • charlesdegoal

    Judging by the mug shot and the photo with the original item, Missouri women have really good taste in men.

  • Ducksworthy

    All these sexy gopers were turned into deviants by Karl Rove having his portly way with them.

  • ForTheTurnstiles

    This guy has DECLINED since “Get Behind Me Satan.”

  • imissopus

    Jetton “will be leaving politics to deal with false allegations and spend as much time with his family as possible before he’s shipped off to prison to spend several years unwillingly re-enacting his crime from his victim’s point of view,” said his attorney.

    /Fixed

  • Joshua Norton

    He’s trying for that Bloggo “freshly laid” look. He’s failing miserably.

  • Neoyorquino

    His family must be thrilled. He spent some time with his ladyfriend and look what happened to her.

  • What Fresh Hell is This?

    Missouri love company.

  • Extemporanus
  • What Fresh Hell is This?

    Missouri loves company.

  • magic titty

    My god that is the scariest photo I have ever seen.

    I can’t believe the poor woman in question didn’t know he would get rapey. I feel like this post just pinched my ass.

  • slappypaddy

    what, is his family going to prison, too?

  • Jim89048

    I hope to fuck his wife knows the safe word.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=474979]Decker[/re]: My thoughts exactly. Hope his wife knows his safe word, as she’s taking the meat tenderizer mallet to his dick.

    And, when did Nathan Lane move to MO?

  • memzilla

    “He is confident that when the facts of this case are heard, he will be found innocent” = “He is confident he can buy off his roofied lover.”

    Ah yes, the Tiger Woods Solution. Needs more golf clubs, though… upside his head.

  • Suds McKenzie

    He looks like he likes them French fried potaters.

  • betterDeadThanRed

    Jetton “will be leaving politics to deal with false allegations and spend time with his attorney.”

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=474997]Jim89048[/re]: It’s “restraining order.”

  • Jukesgrrl

    [re=474997]Jim89048[/re]: I think in her case, it’s “alimony.”

  • binarian

    [re=474997]Jim89048[/re]: Her only safe word with him would be a phrase, as in “GET THE FUCK OUT!”.

  • Judas Peckerwood

    Gotta be spawn of Tom DeLay.

  • finallyhappy

    [re=474990]Extemporanus[/re]: hell, yeah, drugging and beating up a woman for and during sex is normal where he lives. Of course, in prison, he will be getting beaten up and used as a woman.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=474990]Extemporanus[/re]: Yup. Because nothing says “normative sexytime” like choking the life out of someone.

  • shadowMark

    Look like the magic blue light from Norway has been shining in this guy’s eyes for a long time.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    Sometimes the “Show Me State” is not a state I wish to feel.

  • JMP

    [re=474979]Decker[/re]: According to the first story, he was already in the middle of divorce; so, no.

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    Please tell me this droog does not have children.

  • Maxine of Arc

    Dwight Schrute?

  • BigDupa

    Didn’t he introduce a bill the change the MO motto to “The Show Me a Midget, Garden Hose, Chocolate Syrup, Corn Cobb, and a Toothless Goat State?”

  • El Pinche

    Wait, is this the same douchebag who got drunk with republican strippers? Or is he also the douchebag who the beat the shit out soccer coach? All these douchebags look alike.

  • whiskey tango foxtrot

    People Of Earth: do not do any of this. Do not roofie your mistress and punch her and rape her and then scold her for not using the safeword. Furthermore, do not harbor really obvious conflict-of-interest scams for years. And if at all in doubt, do not live in Missouri.

    These instructions should be relatively easy to follow. Instead of doing these things, you simply, you know, don’t do them.

    yrs,
    whiskey t. foxtrot

  • petehammer

    Oh look, a young Emperor Palpatine.

  • Hopey dont play that game

    Poor Dwight Schrute has really let himself go.

  • whiskey tango foxtrot

    [re=474986]Joshua Norton[/re]: OMG I just realized they’re both named “Rod”, too.

  • BigDupa

    [re=475013]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: you beat me to it… that’s what SHE said

  • Whitey Did Katrina

    I love his casual, just-got-done-with-some-choking hairdo.

  • BigDupa

    At least he’s not a homo

  • RoscoePColtraine

    I’d recommend that he take a page from Mark Foley. Blame it on alcohol and unresolved sexual abuse issues regarding priests and childhood. Shifting the blame away from oneself is the way to proceed in this case.

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    [re=475013]shortsshortsshorts[/re]:
    Maybe they should change it to ” Does this look infected?” state.

  • Joshua Norton

    GREEN BALLOONS, ALREADY!!!!

  • Redhead

    Isn’t it hard to spend more time with your family when they’ve all taken out restraining orders against you for being a violent perv?

  • Minnie Mean

    Ewwwwwww. That is one icky basement dweller. DO NOT look into it’s eyes!

  • Ducksworthy

    Dear Wonkette,

    Please do not share any other photographs related to the sordid affair that may have come into your possession. Jettoon’s hideous leer has upset me greatly.

    Thank You

  • Joshua Norton

    he wants to spend more time with his family

    Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

  • Dave J.

    Tip for the ladies: if a guy looks like that, he WILL try to rape you.

  • Come here a minute

    Nobody’s mentioned the jettisoning than needs to happen here?

  • germansteel

    He’s probably wondering if the big, black guys in prison have a “green balloons” system in place.

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    He kind of looks down syndrome-y in that picture, doesn’t he?

  • coolcatdaddy

    Is there anyone left in the Republican party who isn’t a violent sexual offender, closeted homosexual or black-hearted opportunistic big money whore?

    Anyone?

  • Neilist

    Wait a minute: “Beating the fucking shit out of a lady friend” is ILLEGAL?

    Oh, dear.

    No, wait a minute. I thought you said “Fucking the beaten shit out of a lady friend.”

    Never mind.

    (Oh, by the way: What’s a “lady friend”? I use my “personality” for birth control, after all.)

  • tcb

    [re=475065]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Actually, I think it’s fecal impaction.

  • natteringnabomb

    the picture reminds me of that demon icon from the Excorcist movie.He’s going to say she beat the shit out of herself.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    What is it with asshole who smirk during their mug shots? It’s one thing if you were arrested for protesting something; it’s another entirely to assault a woman and then act like the entire thing is a hilarious prank that you got caught up in.

    [re=474977]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Ha! I’m going to use that later. The phrase, not a face-scrunchie.

  • El Pinche

    [re=475065]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Well, he is a conservative-American.

  • betterDeadThanRed

    [re=475073]coolcatdaddy[/re]: No.

  • Paul Tardy

    You Wonk-offs and Dumbocrats don’t get it, to a Republican deviant sex is when the woman does the punching and choking. I think that should clear things up.

    Donkey punching? WTF? I don’t believe it exists.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=475065]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: John Malkovich played the retard, not Gary Sinise

    Though in real life, those roles are obviously reversed.

  • DangerousLiberal

    “…to spend more time with his family…”

    Where

    family=cellmates

    time=buttsecks, also.

  • grevillea

    [re=474981]Gorillionaire[/re]: Where?[re=475028]
    BigDupa[/re]: Kinda academic now, doncha think?

  • Oldskool

    I’m pretty surre I cheered for this guy at a Special Olympics once.

  • lochnessmonster

    Yikes! Someone had rough sexy-time with him? Yikes again!!!

  • FlownOver

    [re=475065]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Now that you mention it, I was thinking “Computer-aged Trig.”

  • FlownOver

    [re=475030]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: “…take a page from Mark Foley?”

    What is this the Wonkett Straight Line Festival?

  • depraved indifference engine

    If he’s anything like his namesake, George Jetton, he’s stuck on the treadmill of mickey-slipping and lady-beating, and can’t get off. JANE, STOP THIS CRAZY THING!

  • I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO

    Dude, he just got his brutality laden sex life splattered across the national news, the last thing he wants to do is spend time with his family.

    Can you imagine what breakfast at home must be like?

    “So, dad, what was it like beating the everliving shit out of that chick you were banging?”

  • Citizen Kitteh

    Jetton’s mug shot reminds me of another mug shot that was notorious awhile ago – related?

  • Darkness

    [re=475040]Ducksworthy[/re]: Really? I find this one at least matches the evil. The shoe salesman one was creeptastic as all hell. This is just “arrested loser of the lowest order”. Yawn.

  • Hedley Lamar

    Brian Pepper’s fraternal twin.

  • WadISay

    [re=475098]DangerousLiberal[/re]: I wonder how the “green balloons” line is going to work when he gets “sidetracked” on his way to the Aryan Nation meetings.

  • grevillea

    So is his name pronounced “JET’n”, “Jet-ON”, or the suspiciously Frenchy “dze-TONg”?

  • chascates

    [re=475127]Oldskool[/re]: He looks like some kind of ‘special needs’ type.

  • thefrontpage

    Green balloons, indeed.

  • qwerty42

    [re=475073]coolcatdaddy[/re]: well, we should all take heart: while Missouri House Speaker, Ron Jetton
    removed a …state lawmaker from his committee chairmanship in 2007 because the lawmaker had changed a bill in order to end a state ban on gay sex — or what Jetton called “deviate sexual intercourse.”
    Can’t have teh gheyz you know.
    He wrote in an op-ed:
    “Thanks to that [deletion of lines from the bill], it is now legal to engage in deviate sexual intercourse with someone of the same sex here in Missouri. This law had been on our books for decades.”
    So sayeth TPM.

  • magic titty

    If Isaac Brock had pig AIDS = this photo.

  • Autochthon

    FAMILY VALUES!

  • DustBowlBlues

    [re=475065]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: I am going to report you to Sarah P’s Facebook page and then you will be next target of “The world needs more little Triggers” speech.

    Are you happy, now?

  • rocktonsammy

    [re=474998]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: \

    Nathan Lane has always been in Mo.

  • Marlowe

    Must be a fan of Lady GaGa:
    “And baby when it’s love if its not rough it isn’t fun”

  • ShiningMathPath

    His family is standing behind him, which it turns out is the safest place to be.

  • Sparky McGruff

    [re=475030]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Shifting the blame away from oneself is the way to proceed in this case.
    Shifting the blame is the way to proceed in every case. The only question is where to shift the blame. I’d say he should blame it on the gay muslins. That will get the teabaggers going, and they’ll follow along lock-step. Or, in the teabag fashion, they’ll gladly put his TruckNutz right in their mouths.

  • imissopus

    [re=475169]Citizen Kitteh[/re]: Sweet merciful Christ! Never do that again!

  • S.Luggo

    [re=474977]RoscoePColtraine[/re]:
    “I didn’t know they made scrunchies for the face.” They?
    http://soulhonky.com/candanny/_arquivo_hannibal_lecter-copy.jpg

  • S.Luggo

    [re=475169]Citizen Kitteh[/re]:

    Tell me about the lambs, Clarice.

  • sezme

    [re=475018]Maxine of Arc[/re]: ‘Spending more time with his family’ means basically completing the beet harvest with brother Moe.

  • Jim89048

    [re=475169]Citizen Kitteh[/re]: That is one of the most frightening humans I’ve ever seen!

  • Rush

    I hope his son Elroy is copying OK.

  • DC Hates Me

    [re=475189]grevillea[/re]:
    Jetton, Jetton,
    Oh, oui Jetton
    Moi non plus

  • Sparky McGruff

    [re=475257]S.Luggo[/re]: Tell me about the lambs, Clarice.

    It puts the lotion on its skin, or it gets the hose again.

  • Darkness

    [re=475169]Citizen Kitteh[/re]: Oh thank YOU from the bottom of my nightmares.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=475200]thefrontpage[/re]:

    Hast Du etwas Zeit für mich
    Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich
    Von 99 Luftballons
    Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
    Denkst Du vielleicht grad’ an mich
    Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich
    Von 99 Luftballons
    Und dass sowas von sowas kommt

    It began so innocently. Had she only been able to speak German.
    *****
    [re=475270]DC Hates Me[/re]:
    “Tu es la vague, moi l’île nue”
    Not guilty in the eyes of the world.

  • ShortShadey

    Tom DeLay meets Chucky.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=475272]Sparky McGruff[/re]:
    It places the lotion in the basket.
    Put the fucking lotion in the basket!
    ….
    Love Song of Rod Jetton.

  • Hunger Tallest Palin

    Put a pencil mustache on him and you’ve got the boil from How to Get Ahead in Advertising.

  • Rush

    [re=475291]S.Luggo[/re]:

    Quid pro quo Mr. Luggo

  • NYNYNY

    A face only a mother could allege.

  • schvitzatura

    [re=474981]Gorillionaire[/re]: It had been a wonderful evening and what Rod needed now, to give it the perfect ending, was a little of the Ludwig Van.

    A fortnight in the Ludovico Institute would do Jetton a world of good, eh, my little Wonkdroogs?

  • schvitzatura

    [re=475270]DC Hates Me[/re], [re=475279]S.Luggo[/re]:

    Cat Power/Karen Elson translaterocks old Birkin/Gainsbourg chestnut…

  • rottenart

    [re=474981]Gorillionaire[/re]: [re=475015]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: [re=475324]schvitzatura[/re]: Come and viddy my new pickie wickie, my droogies.

  • LowerdPeninsula

    [re=475169]Citizen Kitteh[/re]: Don’t you evah post that photo, again. Okay?

    Can someone photoshop this guy into the Joker — Dark Knight Joker, of course, not that Cesar Romero gay joker. Do I make myself clear?

  • rottenart

    [re=475342]LowerdPeninsula[/re]: I really think he’s more of a droogie than a Joker. Joker’s more into chaos and shit to have time to roofie some chick.

    (Boy, when it gets late, I do tend to whore myself out all over teh Wonkett, no?)

  • zhubajie

    He needs to found a prison ministry!

  • zhubajie

    “he wants to spend more time with his family ”

    Do they want to spend more time with him? What do you want to bet he whips-up on them, too?

  • zhubajie

    [re=475015]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: People like this breed early and often.

  • brianxsmith

    “Is the House Speaker gonna have to choke a bitch?”

  • zhubajie

    [re=475028]BigDupa[/re]: That’s what one acquaintance said about sex with hens.

  • zhubajie

    [re=475279]S.Luggo[/re]: Then there’s the alternative translation, “99 Dead Baboons”!

  • JDHART

    Those Republicans are super freaky – yoww!

  • JDHART

    Super freak, super freaky, yoww!

  • tiger

    Um, Corky?

  • Rusty Shackleford

    I don’t care if it hurts
    I want to have control
    I want a perfect body
    I want a perfect soul
    I want you to notice
    When I’m not around
    You’re so fuckin’ special
    I wish I was special

    But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
    What the hell am I doing here?
    I don’t belong here.

    She’s running out again,
    She’s running out
    She’s run run run running out…

    Whatever makes you happy
    Whatever you want
    You’re so fuckin’ special
    I wish I was special…

    But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo,
    What the hell am I doing here?
    I don’t belong here.
    I don’t belong here.

    Effing weirdo, no wonder he looks like the Spawn of Chuckie!

  • oldguy

    from http://blogs.kansascity.com/crime_scene/2009/12/update-former-mo-speaker-accused-of-assault.html

    “An attorney for Rod Jetton says the former legislator is not guilty of the assault charge from Sikeston, and moreover, plans to defend himself vigorously.” THAT should be a pretty sight.

    First he’ll go out in the kitchen to get a glass of wine for the jury, and then settle down on the couch with them. Later that night…

  • UnattendedConsequence

    [re=475281]ShortShadey[/re]: Exactly!

  • zhubajie

    [re=475605]oldguy[/re]: I remember when my congressman, Donald “Buzz” Lukens defended himself against charges of statutory rape with a 13 year old black girl. (He was a late 50s white man, from Middletown, Ohio). He admitted that he’d done the nasty with her, many times, between her 13th and 16th years. But he’d done nothing wrong! Somehow it was OK for *him*. I suspect Jetton (and a lot of our politicrooks) think along those lines.

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