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It's ba-ackHoly baloney, the “2009 Elections” are in less than a week! QUICK BRIEFING: Bloomberg will win, McDonnell will win, New Jersey is a toss-up, the end. The only issue that matters in the New Jersey governor’s race right now is about how astonishingly fat Republican candidate Chris Christie is and whether his insatiable, non-stop search for food will ever get so dire that he resorts to eating New Jersey children, en masse, from a Frito’s bag. His opponent Jon Corzine has been suggesting this as a possibility, and has risen in polls accordingly. Chris Christie is very sensitive about this, so he challenged Corzine to an honesty contest this morning on whatever new thing Don Imus is hosting.

The Republican nominee’s weight became an issue in September when Corzine launched a television ad that closes with a shot of Christie slowly stepping out of a car. Earlier in the ad, Christie is accused of “throwing his weight around” to get out of a traffic ticket stemming from a car accident that injured a motorcyclist.

Corzine surrogates have also frequently hinted at Christie’s weight, and when asked if he thinks Christie is fat during an editorial board meeting earlier this month with the Press of Atlantic City, the bald governor responded: “Am I bald?”

Asked about the television ad, Christie said it was “just silly” and “beneath the office” Corzine holds.

“If you’re going to do it, at least man up and say I’m fat,” he said. “Afterwards he wusses out and says ‘no, no, no. I didn’t mean that I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ Man up. If you say I’m fat, I’m fat. Let’s go. Let’s talk about it.”

Nice try, fattest man alive. It’s obvious that you’re trying to lure Jon Corzine into a face-to-face confrontation, just so you can eat him.

CHRIS CHRISTIE WEIGHS NINE MILLION POUNDS, EVERYONE!

Chris Christie: ‘Man up and say I’m fat’ [Politico (not a trend piece so whatever)]

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58 COMMENTS

  1. I heard that New Jersey state law says that if the difference in the final vote count between the top two candidates is less than 1%, the election is settled by a doughnut-eating contest between them. Chris Christie, who has spent the past year practicing for this possible turn of events, would be the odds-on favorite, if it comes to that.

  2. Don’t the people of New Jersey realize what a bargain they get with Chris Christie? If they vote him in they get the services of his twin brother too! And they have their own scooters!

  3. I won’t say that you’re fat, Chris, but even if you lose, they’re still going to assign you your own ZIP code. That’s just the way the Post Office works, so don’t worry.

  4. Of course you’re not fat, Christine. So take that chip off your shoulder, if you find where the chip’s wedged among those stupendous rolls of larded tissue.

  5. I’m reminded of the movie Crazy People (Dudley Moore, Daryl Hannah) where Dudley’s character, an burnt-out advertising exec, goes into an asylum to chill out. While there, the “truth” advertisements he had developed before going in are a surprise hit when they are mistaken produced and disseminated. (Reality isn’t that important in the movies.)

    The asylum residents then help him develop other ‘truth’ advertisements, including one which is, in essense:

    “If you look like this you’re fat. In fact, you’re a fat slob. But you don’t have to be. Call XXXX and stop being a fat slob. And don’t forget to ask about the FREE plant.”

    Someone please send Chris Christie his free plant.

  6. I know nothing of New Jersey so I’ll chime and say instead that if the Creee (yes, that’s how he pronouces his name) Deeds people call me one more time trying to get me to give up more time to help him lose by 15 points then I’m voting for McDonnell b/c hey, not like it makes a difference?

    Good job on running a campaign solely based on women’s reproductive rights in the south, democrats.

  7. I don’t think Chris Christie is fat. I’ve only ever seen pictures of him, and the camera adds ten pounds. So if Christie could have his picture taken with only one camera on him instead of nine or ten at any given moment, all this would be a non-issue.

  8. If I was a fence-sitting New Jersey voter, here’s how I’d decide: If Christie dies in office the state would have to pay for his funeral. The cost of the casket alone would bankrupt the state. Fiscal conservative fence-sitter that I am am voting for the non-fatty.

  9. Ugh, Politico, why do you make us face such an awful Hobson’s choice? On the one hand, your articles are so terrible that they are always and forever the funniest on the internet. Nearly every single Politico ARTICLE illustrates why politics should never ever be seen as a serious or legitimate business.

    On the other hand, people actually seem to give a shit what you think. This is infinitely terrifying in a way that cannot be funny at all.

    You’re like the Glenn Beck of journalism.

  10. If he changed his name to Christ Jeebus or Christly Savior, or Jesus H Christ, people might be more sympathetic. Except for the Jews and muslins, but he’s probably already lost those votes.

  11. “…[A]t least man up and say I’m fat,” Christie said.

    Kinda like Hopey turning to the wingnuts and saying, “I triple dog dare ya to call me a nigga!”

  12. [re=446610]Come here a minute[/re]: Yeechs, family discount for stomach stapling anyone?[re=446573]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Must unsee, indeed!

  13. People of Jersey be advised, if you vote for this man he will move the Governor’s Mansion to The WindMill in Long Branch and you will have to drive to Belmar to get inferior dogs.

  14. His family including his wife and children are all pretty hefty as well, so there may be something to this science of genetics after all, you fat Darwin-banning prig who probably likes scat play with whores.

  15. [re=446563]Extemporanus[/re]: My God, it looks like that woman is stting atop two giant Queen ants.

    [re=446610]Come here a minute[/re]: I always love the family photos. They essentially scream at you “Look, I can sexually (as opposed to asexually, of course) reproduce! Vote for me because of this!”

    BTW, just looking at this race from afar, Corzine seems like a complete dick, someone who’d make you feel ashamed to be a Democrat, really. And, Christie seems aggresive and angry in situations that don’t necessarily call for it. I thought fat dudes were supposed to be jolly, and shit. Guess I’ve been wrong, all along.

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