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Yes, it really did take us several minutes to realize that this poster from the Values Voters Summit was not, in all likelihood, referring to Cock Rings. (Although that has not been confirmed.) Just standard “finger rings,” like in marriage, sized for a nice lady and her husband the 16-foot-tall space giant, Kron. [Jeff Malet/TPM]

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91 COMMENTS

  1. Y’all had me going until now. This whole summit is too good to be true for Wonkette. Jim and Juli obviously made it all up just for the sport of it. The fake MSNBC reel, the boyscout-fucking chief of ‘staff’, and this? You took your little ruse one step too far.

  2. Wearing one of those IS the best way to attract a sleazy hooker in East Saint Louis. And that would be the best sex any of these bloodless wanks ever had. So, QED, I suppose?

  3. I just don’t think it’s fair or right to sentence someone to a lifetime of getting poked with a 4 inch nub, and calling it “great sex.”

  4. Are you sure that by “slip on” they didn’t mean “fall down over”? Because a person could have frontal lobe damage from the fall, leading to a complete personality change.

  5. [re=415666]mookworthjwilson[/re]: the font mismatch on “Any Questions” ensures that the only question he gets is “top or bottom?”

  6. I prefer to wear brass knuckles as a cock ring.

    They look quite impressive when paired with my brass balls, and moreover, significantly increase the amount of pleasure I derive from hate fucking.

  7. Also, a word on syntax: if this lot is so hung up on abstinence, then how could they, in fact, know that it’s the ‘best sex’, since ‘best’ is a superlative and would require having had sex at least two other times (the ‘good sex’ and ‘better sex’) to make that qualitative assessment?

    Something tells me that poster was made pro bono by a advertising firm filled with cock-gobbling sluts and besotted skank-hounds.

  8. [re=415675]mephistopheles jefferson[/re]: An older, fundie student used to write editorials for the school paper every week about how the hottest sex ever would be between two virgins, since they wouldn’t have anyone else to compare the current partner to. (The idea that this might be a favorable comparison must have never occured to him.) I’m pretty sure he came up with that poster. The lack of reality is the tipoff.

  9. [re=415683]PsycGirl[/re]: Yes, because we all know that the best salsa dancers have never danced before, or that the best Transatlantic pilot/co-pilot teams have yet to pass their driver’s ed classes.

  10. They have had that stupid poster for at least 10 years, and the cock ring joke was as funny then as it is now. Incredibly funny. How could they not have tried to switch it up???

  11. [re=415697]mephistopheles jefferson[/re]: Yes, my memory of sex between virgins is that it was…fumbly. And ouchie, for me. Like everything else, sex gets better with practice. Extensive, enthusiastic practice.

  12. [re=415706]Cape Clod[/re]: Or: “they get so little themselves, and are such repressed, fucked up human about sex, that they value controlling other people’s sex lives voters”?

  13. No fornication or adultery, no pornography or any other sex in media… you’d think their agenda was to make damn sure that there’s no chance of verification that their own sex life is pretty bad akshually.

  14. [re=415816]El Pinche[/re]: This season, remember the poor. Dust off your old Abstinence and Abstinence Clearinghouse will pass it on to needy families at no cost.

  15. I used to work at a crappy place that made us listen to Dr. Laura and another radio “therapist” who wanted to be like Dr. Laura but was worse (yes, amazingly, that is actually possible). She actually had a rather long discussion on the radio one day about how, exactly, to use a cock ring. Which we listened to in this office.

    Of course, the “therapist” was then talking to a married, hetero couple. When another woman called in saying she’d just found her nephew was gay, she was told to send him to a mental institution. True story.

    Point being, as long as you’re married, straight and doing it PURELY for procreation, (or if you’re a Republican elected official diddling your underage gay intern and haven’t been caught) cock rings are perfectly acceptable.

  16. [re=415709]Junior[/re]: Yeah, they’re a little slow coming to grips with the cock ring awkwardness, but we’re talking about folks who still seem perfectly fine being called TEABAGGERS. So, at least they’re consistent

  17. Well, the guy in the day-glow black “Christian, American, Heterosexual, Pro-Gun, Conservative” t-shirt, probably IS Christan, American, Pro-Gun and Conservative at any rate.

  18. [re=415854]Redhead[/re]: Ah, Dr Laura. Now there’s a charter member wingnut who has certainly gotten lost in the shuffle—-pretty stiff competition these days if you want some face time on FOX.

  19. Tea-baggers, cock-rings… These people really are ssexually naive. I can’t wait for their next movement which will have to be called, fisting, or poppers.

  20. [re=415727]mookworthjwilson[/re]: I’m sorry if the boob bomber ran you afoul of HR.

    The lack of a Parental Advisory warning sticker was an honest oversight, as I have no intention of adding anyone here to the unemployment rolls. Unless, of course, they happen to deserve it.

  21. [re=415880]Count Spatula[/re]: You know…that’s not a bad idea. We could swarm to the wingnut websites and go one about how we have to raise our fists in the air…you know, fisting.

  22. You should have seen the litter of Value Voters attendees who careened over to Good Guys, Camelot, Archibald’s and the Palace Friday night and Saturday night–they loaded up on whiskey, bourbon and beer, tipped the dancers, paid for “private dances,” got into fights, four of them got arrested for disorderly conduct, and a whole crew of them went to some diner about 3 a.m. Sunday and ordered dozens of early-morning breakfasts, some of them still with dancers from the clubs. Then there was something about a late-night, after-hours party at some townhouse on C Street on Capitol Hill, and that party apparently went on until 5 a.m.!! There was some rumbling about a late-night, or early morning, run to a nearby 7-11 for certain health products, Dorito’s, liters of Diet Cokes, and several boxes of Slim Jims.

  23. Eh, you can keep your carbon-fiber-silicone-and-Turtle-Wax Carrie Prejean. I’d take a “deep and extensive probing discussion of the ramifications of abstinence” with Ms. No-Sex-On-The-Teevee in a heartbeat.

    http://www.talkingpointsmemo.com/gallery/2009/09/values-voters.php?img=5

    And you just know that standing around all day looking sweetly demure and talking about sex as something that you really, really don’t want to have in your house must have aroused a certain hankering in her by convention closing time.

  24. [re=416008]CthuNHu[/re]: She’s probably even more interesting than that: she’s just trying to make a buck off people that still don’t know about the V-chip.

  25. He has two penises, or “peni”. One is for super Godly sexxing up the little woman, and the other once is TOTALLY NOT FOR GAY SEX so stop asking.

  26. Would I be late for this party if I pointed out that some guy named Schwartz who is, of course, Spooky Doktor Tom’s chief aide, was just on the teevee explaining that looking at porn turns a man gay?

    First thought: I figured it was just I don’t have the energy and the old man has the heart troublez that had put a damper on our sex life.

    Second thought: Does this mean every man in the USA with access to the webtubes is gay?

  27. [re=415706]Cape Clod[/re]: Anyone remember the video from Jesus Camp of that Colorado dickwad who was outted by the gay prostitute he’d been “dating” for years?

    He gave this creepy speech to the wee ones about how “you’re going to see that man and wonder–what would it be like? But you’ve got to resist.” Seriously, does anyone but a tortured winger even think of saying something that to little kids?

    Ted Haggard–that was the guy. He also was taped somewhere else, bragging that evangelical Christians had the best sex. At the time, I think his fans were assuming he was talking about heterosex. With one’s wife.

  28. Another one: Anyone see the NOW where they filmed a “Chastity Ball” in the sex-obsessed N. Dakota. Girls and their dads got dressed up for the prom, where they went as couples. The highpoint of the evening was the point the girls linked hands with their dad and looked into his eyes and vowed to save their virginity for him until he gave her away to her husband.

    Who in their fucking right mind could watch a cringefest like that without feeling UNCLEAN? Or feel themselves gagging under the weight of what looked to normal people like an incestuous ritual?

    All these people think about is sex, sex, sex. What is wrong with them?

  29. I Imagine one, if one truly held the capacities of wingnut purity, wingnut stupidity, and a freaky sexual appetite, would find this cock ring gift insulting.

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