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Cut the cap gains tax!MEET BABY K. SMITH: Wonkette Editor Sara K. Smith has officially spawned. Secret husband “Dan” writes: “little Charlie was born healthy at 8 lbs 2 oz. Sara is healthy and delivered in 3 or 4 hours without any drugs.” Sara, man, she’s an animal. Congratulations to all!

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302 COMMENTS

  1. Best wishes and best of health to mother and baby. Must say that young Charlie seems rather unsquished and pink (vs. red) for a newborn. This is the funniest thing I can write, congats!

  2. That’s a good looking kid for a newborn! Usually they’re all kinda pink and slimy, and your co-workers shows you the picture and you go “Aw what an angel” but think “Christ what creature spawned this oozing crimson swamp monster” but this Charlie looks like a cute human baby!

  3. What? How is Sara going to traumatize Charlie with tales of how she suffered through his labor pain? 3 or 4 hours. Feh. That’s not even enough for a decade long guilt trip. Well he’d better ruin her figure then.

    Oh yeah, congrats to the new family.

  4. Awww Charlie is beautful. Congrats to the mom, dad, and what one hopes will be his John-Candy-like uncles Jim and Ken.

    But sorry to hear you couldn’t cadge any drugs from them. (Were you denied coverage due to your pre-existing condition of being a breeder?)

    And this is what I call the perfect weekend post.

  5. NEVER say no to drugs. WTF?

    Congratulations to the new and improved Smiths! You will love him more every single day. I don’t understand it, but that’s how it works. Even when they’re 16, and think you’re retarded, as the fruit of my loins does now. Sigh.

  6. Congratulations! I suggest, as a parent of a 19-year-old extremely (and when I say ‘extremely’, I am not kidding) verbal young’un, that you may wish to rethink the whole teaching-him-to-talk thing.

  7. A hearty welcome to baby Charlie, aka Wonkette Snark Baby K Smith. Many congratulations to you and your husband. Oh and you will be missed! Cheers!!!

  8. Congratulations! Great thinking on saving the drugs for the teenage years. May your baby always sleep through the night and poop ice cream.

  9. Congrats! A male Caucasian – you won’t have to keep the birth certificate in a ziplock! Cute kid, though, 4rlz. Welcome to the parent club.

  10. [re=398198]jagorev[/re]: I can tell by the sheet and the diaper tag this is Mombassa General Hospital. He is now a dual Kenyan-American citizen as is Sara, per Kenyan law. She is now eligable to be a member of the Directorate of Public Safety.

  11. Awesome! Somebody to work and pay my socialism benefits in a couple decades. Get crackin’, kid, and keep your damn government mitts off my military retirement, Social Security and Medicare.

  12. Get that kid a beer. Welcome to your first Wonkette weekend Charlie. You’re expected to be slurring by noon and incomprehensible by sundown.

  13. Kids grow up so fast. First they are laying there in the crib looking all kyoot, the next thing you know they are graduating from Wonkette U. with a degree in Applied Snark.

    Best of everything to the little tot!

  14. This is just wonderful, SKS and “Dan”, congrats. Kan we haz cigarz pls? And may I suggest you put birth announcements in local papers worldwide, cause you never know.

    My mother-in-law celebrates my wife’s birthday by whistfully looking at the ceiling and saying xx years ago, I was in s u c h p a i n.

  15. [re=398187]Big Daddy Tom[/re]: Especially since most newborns look like Gandhi dipped in 40 weight.

    Other than that…what a handsome wee bairn. Congratulations.

  16. Congrats, Sara. Beautiful little critter there. Start saving for his tuition now.

    [re=398193]loquaciousmusic[/re]: That first post about circumcision was pure troll, wasn’t it? Doesn’t “Hoosiermama” post here?

  17. [re=398239]Pilate[/re]: No direct memories. I have a feeling mom and dad will make sure this child is well schooled in the story of 8 Years Of Evil.

  18. Sara K. Smith, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your hospital via the interwebs on this, the birth day of your baby. And may your first child be a masculine child.

    [re=398215]CthuNHu[/re]: Amen.

    [re=398236]facehead[/re]: It’s usually “Mom” right? I know my mother kept saying that over and over to me so it would be my first word. And it was. Then she felt bad, so she kept repeating “Da-da” to my little brother so that would be his. And to this day, I do get along with my mom better than my Dad and my little brother still calls her “Dad” … so maybe there’s something to that.

    PS- Charlie is a good name and unlikely to scar him for life–congratulations on your first good parenting decision!

  19. Just when I think you guys have hit the lowest of lows with your Snarky anti-Americanism, you hit the lowest of lows: posting adorable pictures of innocent newborns. Can LOLKats be far behind? Oh, the humanity.

    Oh, alright, mazel tov! Your Stalinesque Obamaganda techniques have worked even on me.

  20. What a cutey! Wow, roughing it with no drugs in less than 4 hours…wow, my wiff is such a wimp. The first thing she asked (screamed) for was the bloody epidural.

  21. [re=398244]Crankenstank[/re]: I was going to say “NO DRUGS, SOUNDS LIKE YOURE READY FOR OBAMACARE!!1” , but I didn’t to be classy.
    ….Yet..I just did. Shit!

  22. I’m assuming the “no drugs” thing was not by choice and that Wonkette needs to provide better health insurance for its employees. If the public option was available she would have been high as a kite.

    Congratulations.

  23. Hurray for Sara and Secret Dan and welcome to the new apple of your (soon to be bleary) eyes. Put the moms-in-law on shift work for the next couple weeks, read all these posts, and know that we miss you and wish you all the blessings of family.

  24. 3-4 hours? What a lucky bitch. Congratulations to all the participants, and thanks for producing another worker to support the coming Medicare/Medicaid/Social Security debt tsunami.

  25. SKS you said it was going take ’til December to teach CKS how to release the safety on the shotgun. After this August, do you think you can move that up to mid-September?

    Mozel tov to you and Secret Dan

  26. If he was born on the 28th, that’s my birthday too (and Goethe’s), which is great. If he was born on the 29th…well the Michael Jackon’s birthday, and there’s a chance Charlie is Jackson’s reincarnation.

  27. He’s lovely.

    Was he born into the Secret Cult of Drug-Free Bradley Parents, or some other sect of anti-drug birthage? As a Bradley Mom of an over 9-pounder, I congratulate you on just saying No.

  28. Man, he’s aggressively cute. That Charlie’s gonna be a lady-killer. Or a gentlemen-killer. Either way. No judgement here.

  29. Epidural blocks are not your enemy… But sadly, I can see this comment thread devolving into something like Maggie Gyllenhaal’s dinner-table monologue in that whack-ass Away We Go.

  30. Hey, congrats on the new lifeform! But? Did you say… NO DRUGS?!? Whew. My hat’s Coif and Wimple are off to you, m’lady.

    Secret husband “Dan” will allow you to take one week off before you start the kagels. You’ve earned it baby!

  31. Four hours, eight plus pounds, no drugs. Unbelievable. Way to go Sara and Daddy Dan. Yay!!! Rest up and start waiting for that first chuckle out of little Charlie.

  32. No drugs? My god. The boy has a head the size of a NFL player. Sara, you are amazing. Congrats to you and your secret Dan. No drugs? My god.

  33. wow! a custom-made libtard! congratulations! and he already has his left hand up in the internationale salute. neonates of the world unite!

    he’s so cute. (‘course, i can say that, seeing’s how i don’t have to burp and change him.) looks kenyan, don’t he?

    “Rejoice and be glad for the children of the just…. blessed are they which love thee”
    — Tobit 13:13,14

  34. I’m just taking a break from watching Sen. Kennedy’s burial and what do my teary eyes behold but this beautiful baby. Warmest congratulations to the happy family. And if either Sara or Dan gets any Family Leave, please don’t forget to tip your hat to Uncle Teddy, since you have him to thank for it.

    [re=398232]WadISay[/re]: My brother got a phone call from our mom at 3 a.m. on his 30th birthday just so she could say, “I’m waking you up at the same time you woke me up.” Mothers … they can be such bitches.

  35. And thank goodness we live in an enlightened country that allows both the mother and father paid time off to adjust to their new baby.

    No wait, that’s Europe!

  36. Hey! She didn’t look pregnant–was Sarah Palin her birth coach? Oh, that’s right. We didn’t see Sara.

    Good for you, doing it hardcore. From personal experience, I know it hurts like a son a bitch.

    Oh, about the no drugs thing: Now that’s it’s over? Take every goddam pill that they offer you.

  37. Congratulations to Sara and Secret Daddy and welcome to the world, small “Charlie” person. Everyone is assuming a boy, but Charlotte or Charlene also work. I love ambiguity.

  38. You named him that so you can say, “In what respect, Charlie?” when he asks all those questions like “Why is the sky blue” didn’t you?
    Congrats, he looks great

  39. Congratulations and great joy to you all! And wow, I have to agree with mattbolt – that is one cute baby, even compared to any of my now lovely godchildren, who at a similar moment in their brand new lives were just wrinkly and crinkly and bright red, with Peter Lorre eyes. Love the fist jab, too!

  40. When a teabagger says “WAKE UP SHEEPLE” , this will not apply to you for the next few months. Unless you call 3 or 4 hours of sleep a day “sleep.”

  41. Wonkette is going soft. I remember in the good old days of this blog, when we saw a baby, we would suggest that it would be retroactively aborted (what was the the name….Trick…Tripper…whatever). It is just not the same. I am looking for a new anti-family values blog

  42. People being courteous, sweet and complimentary on Wonkette. Surely the centre cannot hold and mere anarchy will be loosed upon the world.

    Either that, or cute little babies wearing toolbelts just make us feel all mushy and stuff!

  43. Charlie is a great name, BTW. However, my first child’s name will be Alphonse (and I will will him to be a boy, but will use the name regardless of the outcome), for which he will curse me for the rest of his life. This is what happens when you’re a Full Metal Alchemist fan.

  44. I don’t know about being articulate yet, but he does look like he’s “bright and clean and a nice lookin’ guy” in that pic.

    Congratulations!

  45. CAVEMAN’S PARENTING ADVICE
    (clip and save, tape to fridge)

    Talk to your kid (a lot.) Enunciate clearly and use proper grammar, so they grow up with the habit of talking like human a being, not a Sarah Palin voter. Use grown up words and explain what those words mean. Nothing is cooler that having your kids Pre-3 teacher with a master’s degree admit she needs a dictionary to figure out what the hell your kid is talking about.

    Get down on the floor with your kid. You will rediscover the Lego genius you lost when you were 12 and decided that kinda stuff wasn’t cool anymore. The kid will do even better.

    Get physical. Babies love the “Flying Baby Game” even more than you do (and you will love it quite a bit.)

    Exercise is good for junior; even better for you.

    That thing about just putting the kid down in a safe place and walking away for 5 minutes, when you’re getting too angry to function? That shit works.

    Booze helps too. (For you, not the kid). That five minutes you’re setting him down? Well, it takes about 4 minutes to prepare a really great martini. And about 1 minute to get the kid a sippee cup with some apple juice. Then the two of you can toast to the time when daddy gets home.

    Your kid will LOVE it when you sing to them, even if you are a lousy singer. (Or so I’m told; I’m actually a pretty good singer, but what the hey.) The singing will do you at least as much good as it does them.

    Kids love to help with the cooking, especially up to the time when they can actually be useful. Then, not so much. But you had a pretty good run there, for while.

    Read to them as much as you can stand it, and for G_d’s sake, mix it up. (Sure, they love to hear the same old Hungry Caterpillar shit over and over again, but they like the new stuff pretty well too.) If you’re too fucking bored with what they want to read, then read what YOU want to read; who’s the boss here, anyway? Read them weird shit like Stuart Little and Roald Dahl and Shel Silverstein.

    Food is food, don’t get too obsessed with marketing of brands. If it’s good enough for you, it’s good enough for the kid. (Unless you’re a fat, gross slob that lives on cheetos and never bothers to get any exercise. In which case just put the kid up for adoption right now, ’cause you’ll never raise him right.)

    TV is okay. But when it becomes the #1 babysitter in the family; you’re kinda fucked. Whatever you’re doing when you abandon the kid there for hours on end in front of the tube probably isn’t as important as raising your kid. (Moran.)

    Occasional shame is good for a kid. Tell him when he’s being a total dick. (They get freebies on this when they are still of napping age.)

    Tell them exactly what is expected of them. They’ll usually come through.

  46. Congrats – but “spawn” really doesn’t look like a fish or a reptilian, looks like a conceived child to whom you gave birth. Caviar is spawn. Nice looking baby though – lots of hair – good indication baby is healthy when they have that much hair.

  47. I really have to give mad respect for no meds. My daughter was 6 lbs 12 oz…….I thought that was difficult. Until I had my son, who was 10 lbs 10 oz. He was a C-section, of course. Plenty of drugs for that one.

  48. Congratulations on this, your official ticket to Welfare Queendom, that which all liberals aspire to! May you have many more, all by different fathers.

  49. Last blog post on Friday, went into labor the next day, gave birth in four hours–to your firstborn. You gotta be Irish!

    Beautiful baby, heartfelt congratulations to Sara K. and “Dan”, Wonkette commentariat now has a godson.

  50. Congrats! What a cutie!

    Babies are the best… then they grow up….

    But seriously, kids are the greatest thing in life, and the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do.

  51. [re=398291]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: “Epidural blocks are not your enemy… But sadly, I can see this comment thread devolving into something like Maggie Gyllenhaal’s dinner-table monologue in that whack-ass Away We Go.”

    I, personally, am a big fan of her dinner table conversation in Donnie Darko….”How exactly does one suck a fuck?”.

    Oh, also, congratulations, Smiths! Great baby! Delicious!

    (Look at me with the vulgarity. It’s like I brought a dildo to a baby shower. So ashamed.)

  52. I’d supplement [re=398347]Lascauxcaveman[/re]:’s excellent comments. No brainer: breastfeed. When Carlos moves toward real food, don’t mess with stuff in jars. Blend adult food. Treat food (and life) like a great adventure, but don’t obsess on any of it.

    Count, when you walk up stairs or play patty-cake.
    Ask Charlie questions without always giving him the answers.
    Begin allowing autonomy from the beginning. You are training him (and yourself) to let go. Your job is to provide him with diverse opportunities and to direct him toward making his own educated decisions.
    Spirituality — and a caring, committed community of others with whom he can share his own spiritual quest — is a good, balancing aspect of life.

    You will be amazed at how Charlie will reflect the self you present, your hopes, fears, prejudices, likes and dislikes.

    Oh, and you’ll do a great job of parenting. We humans have been doing this for a while now, and it’s worked out fairly well for the most part.

  53. Without any drugs? Lie. That kid totally looks stoned out of his mind. Of course, it could’ve been the Kennedy funeral on the portable tv at the nurses’ station. His generation just doesn’t get the Kennedy magic, and it shows.

  54. Hey, kid. The Comintern salute is made with the right arm. Shape up! And so the long teaching process begins.

    SKS, congrats and, like, stuff. But those were 4 hours you could have spent wonking. …. Dang-it, I forgot. Four hours not gobbling pharmaceuticals like they were M&Ms. Never mind.

    PS: If you and crypto-dad ever run low, Vitter has an office full of Huggies. Unused, I believe.
    PPS: Baby feeding photos? You know the kind.

    [re=398218]NYNYNY[/re]: “Mombassa” will not appear on the short-form certificate. And there will only be a short-form certificate.

  55. If Dan doesn’t look like Alfred Hitchcock, Sara got some ‘splainin’ to do.

    Actually, all newborns look like Alfred Hitchcock. The first time they smile at you, which is about 3-4 months, you will melt in a puddle of cuteness that makes the pandalust seen on the pages pale by comparison. Then you have to go back to work.

  56. Yes, I will not be having any babies.

    Sara, have wto for me. The muslins and the church of moran are working every day to out breed us.

    Don’t let it happen here!

    (Congrats, he’s beautiful, and normally babies just make me tired)

  57. Can we comment on anything besides the new baby yet?
    Muntadhar el-Zeidi will get out of jail on Sept. 14th, having served 9 months. Congratulations, shoe guy!

  58. [re=398347]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: “Read them weird shit like Stuart Little and Roald Dahl and Shel Silverstein.”

    WHAT the FUCK do you mean, “weird shit”?!?

    “Stuart Little” was the BEST. The book, though, with the Garth Williams drawings. Not the movie.

    Garth Williams. GENIUS. “Charlotte’s Web.” “The Rescuers.” “A Cricket in Times Square.” And on top of that, his “A Rabbbit Wedding” was pulled of library shelves in the South because he drew a BLACK rabbit marrying a white one. (The union produced a “buck” named Hoppy Obama, but that’s another story.)

    Who/want are you going to slag next, you trog? “Christopher Robin,” with the Shepard line drawings? (Not the Disney-dreck version.)

    :::Grumble:::

    Sara: Senator Vitter’s office called. He wants his diaper back. Sorry, Charlie.

  59. [re=398404]Neilist[/re]: When’s the last time you read “Stuart Little”? It’s pretty weird shit.

    Weird is good; this is what I’m saying.

    And I’m such a big EB White fan, my kids have been read to from, “The Essays of EB White,” “One Man’s Meat,” “The Letters of EB White,” “Here is New York” etc, etc.

  60. Too lazy to read thread to see if this has been suggested but it’d be really great if Charlie’s middle name was “ALSO”.

    In all caps, also.

  61. Wow, another Wonketteer. Congrats to the Smith family, if indeed that is your real names! No drugs, SKS? I stand in awe of your pain threshold!

  62. Good Heavens, people!

    I pop off for a late-winter ski(booze) weekend, and
    1) there’s a baby here when I return and
    2) apparently Herr Comrade O’Bama used the global distraction of this alleged baby’s alleged ‘birth’ to seize control of the Japanese government?!

    I DEMAND paternal and maternal DNA tests – and I swear on a stack of €500 notes that I am (probably) NOT the father… if fact, I blame Newell or one of his multiple personalities (‘Glenn’, ‘Dan’, and the like)…

  63. [re=398222]Whiskeybaby[/re]: Jim even broke out the alt text for the occasion!

    Yeah, about that…Charlie being a boy and all suggests that something other than the capital gains tax was cut.

  64. [re=398411]Oh hell to the no[/re]: Excuse me sir/madam! Sister Sara supposedly gave birth without the benefit of pain killing drugs. The LEAST you could do is endure the pain of reading the entire thread.

  65. Congratulations.

    But Chuck Smith? Cops are going to think he’s lying to them, store clerks are going think his ID is fake when he buys booze, hotel clerks are going to think he’s using an alias, and all the hipsters are going to yawn when they meet him. There are many more trendy names to use, like Brooklyn, Austin, Dexter, Duke, Hopper, Hudson, Kingston, Lennon, Leopold, Levi, Magnus, Milo, Orson, Roman, Rufus, Sebastian, Sullivan, or Theo, according to the internets.

  66. Charlie? All the cool names taken?

    Dakota, Colt, Hussein, Jordon, Adian, Ian, Conner, “Dan,” River, Scout,Trig,Jordan, Gummy Sue,Caleb,Dillon,Riley, Devin, Haydon,Chase,Logan,Taylor or Ethan not good enough for you elite socialists?

    Charlie is a cute name when they’re little, oh its a cute name when they’re older too.

  67. Oh, that’s so great! Congratulations!

    And also a round of applause for a weekend thread that didn’t degenerate into a truther debate, huh? Huh? Whoo-hoo! Yow!

  68. [re=398347]Lascauxcaveman[/re]:
    Really excellent advice.

    I will add a few things.

    1. Your child will probably roll down the stairs or fall off the bed at some point. You are not the worst mother in the world when this happens. Plus, they bounce when they are young.

    2. Resist the urge to put yellow socks on your son because it matches the blue and yellow in his cute overalls. 12 years after the fact, I am still getting shit for this one.

    3. Sometimes, it’s really OK to stuff a bottle in their mouths to shut them up.

    4. Always, always answer their questions. Tell the truth when you can.

    5. Travel with your children. Start when they are very young…and make it a habit as they grow up. Take them to places exotic and mundane. They (and you) will have great memories.

    6. You can never say “I love you”, enough.

  69. [re=398422]rocktonsammy[/re]: Colt? It’s a little early to be locking him into a career as a porn star. I was hoping for Athabasca Tutwiler Smith, but Charlie’ll do.

  70. We haven’t even gotton to names like Track, Bristol, Palin, Piper, Willow, Trig and Tripp. Sara and “Dan”, you’re just not trying!

  71. Congratulations, SKS and Dan. Don’t forget to mail Charlie’s Kenyan Birth Certificate to the State of Hawaii authorities. He’s going to need it in about 46 years.

  72. [re=398377]TimeCubist[/re]: *cough* gay abortion *cough*…. so ixnay on the “man-pregnancy” talk… Newell’s not ready to talk about it until the movie deal’s signed…

  73. [re=398347]Lascauxcaveman[/re]:

    re: Talking to your kid: just make sure to do it in 1) Spanish 2) Chinese and 3) Arabic in that order, because by the time li’ Charlie gets to school, English will be passe. Felicidades Smith Family! He is beautiful.

  74. [re=398432]SayItWithWookies[/re]: awww…you put an angel on his shoulder, cute! (and a green bumblebee wearing a bow, in honor of Irish apiarists?)

  75. [re=398337]Rumproast[/re]: It took over 12 hours of posts for me to see the words “BERF CERTIVICATE” what is this group devolving into with the picture of a cute lil baby, you are all pussies. WHER IZ THAT CUTE LITTLE CHARLIE’S ADORABALE BERF CERTIVICATE? THIS COULD BE SOME MUSIN KENYAN PRINCE WE LOOKING AT!
    Congratulations you two Marxists!

  76. Let’s try again…

    [re=398420]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: I’m a classy lady, dammit!

    Also, I know y’all are in the middle of heralding the birth of The Next Great White Hope/The Only Person Who Will Be Able To Stop Trig Palin’s Ascention To Overlord of America In ’58, but I feel the need to point out a few inconsistencies in this “Charlie K. Smith” timeline/story

    – Former-intern Julie has been missing an awful lot during the same time Sara K. Smith was supposedly pregnant. Actually, she wasn’t even with Wonkette for some time before then.
    – The “newborn” just goes by “Charlie”, sharing a suffix with an unnamed Wonkette editor. Sara K. Smith would mandate her spawn always be refered to by it’s first name, middle initial, last name. Always.
    – You can’t tell Sara K. Smith is pregnant in any headshots taken this year. Including several taken last week.
    – Charlie “ALSO” Smith looks a bit large, doesn’t look like a wet chicken and is generally super cute, all indicating he’s much older than a super-newby-newborn.
    – None of the Wonkette commenters seemed to have known Sara K. Smith was pregnant until this birth announcement, even though a number of them report reading her posts daily.
    – Sara K. Smith, supposedly in labor, insisted on liveblogging the entire Kennedy memorial, even though most doctors would say that it is extremely dangerous to expose liberal babies to cable news so soon after birth and would advise that the intern should probably be forced to do it.
    – All evidence of this live blog and her labor have conveniently been erased by Wonkette and, although there is evidence of comments being made on Wonkette about the funeral, Ken Layne refused to provide any evidence that anyone on staff was sober at any point since Friday evening.
    – Even “Secret Dan” was suprised to find out Sara K. Smith was pregnant, especially since she claimed she was going for a walk to reflect on Ted Kennedy’s passing and returned a few hours later with a baby.
    – “Secret Dan” can’t be reached for comment but neither can “Jim Newell”. Maybe this doesn’t mean anything but it looks suspicious.

    Here’s what I’m thinking:

    “Charlie” is really Jim and Julie’s kid and Julie was only brought back to Wonkette as party of a John-Edwardsesque deal she made with Newell, to keep this shit quiet. However, after realizing that any hope of healthcare reform died with Ted Kennedy, Sara K. Smith told Layne, “I’m tired of this shit and need to peace the fuck out of Amurka for a few months.” Layne said, “Hell, no, you’re not going anywhere as long as Orly Taitz and Michele Bachmann are still allowed on the teevee!” Sara K. Smith then blackmailed Ken Layne by threatening to expose Jim ‘n’ Julie scandal to US Weekly spin-off, Politco if he didn’t give her time off. Layne said, “fine, you can take time off but you also to allow us to explain why this baby is going to be in the office a lot by saying it’s yours.” Sara K. Smith shook on it after Layne promised she’d be crowned Labor Maverick hero in the story after going through FIVE AND A HALF hours of labor without any medication. Done.

    Oh, and “Secret/Mystery/Hidden/Classified Dan”? None other than Rick Santrum’s queer Public Outreach(around) Director, Dan Savage, who’s been crashing with Sara K. Smith until he’s able to sort of some mess with The Family about making him pay full membership dues even though he doesn’t live in the DC area.

    Or Sara K. Smith had a baby and named it Charlie, as a tribute to Dulé Hill’s character on the West Wing and we all didn’t know because we’re uncaring commentor’s who don’t see our editors as people with lives that involve actual sex and not sex jokes.

    But if you believe that I’ve got a black man who is an natural-born, openly-not-secret-muslin-terrorist-Real Amurkin, yet born on an island in the middle of an ocean and, also, who is articulate and clean and who not only does not openly profess to wanting to “kill whitey” probably doesn’t want to kill most white people and has tons of white friends, who you might be interested in endorsing for president in ’12.

    Andrew Sullivan concurs with everything I wrote, also.

    Congrats on the paid vacation, Sara K. Smith!

  77. [re=398436]hockeymom[/re]: It’s a cherub, dammit! Cherubs are whimsical, while angels are taken seriously by far too many people. And I don’t understand the bumblebee either, but it was the cutest bow I could find. And since cuteness is antithetical to the very core of my being, it couldn’t help but be sort of a hash.

  78. Babies rock! Congrats. Three words of advice for the parents: Chris Van Allsburg (“The Z Was Zapped” . . . best ABC book ever . . . ).

  79. God Bless both of you and Charlie and your loved ones! I wish you many years of joy and fulfillment. Our own son just graduated from Ohio State U today. Twenty-five hard years in a newsroom (by me) helped get him there, as did my wife’s career and all the parenting stuff. It can be done!

  80. [re=398456]WickedWitch[/re]: sort of. I am sleep deprived because someone in my neighborhood moved in yesterday and had a dog they kept outside all night which barked and wimpered all night long and morning. And animal control isn’t open on weekends where I am. I just figured out which house it was (almost 2 blocks away) so I can call 911 if it happens tonight. And I was already low on sleep.

    So, after rambling on there, it’s pretty obvious I’m fucking hammered.

    Sorry.

  81. Wow, Sara, I hope you’re getting a special Baby Book for all these tasteful greetings and advice columns. And Wookie’s Blingee can be the cover! You’ll probably have to add footnotes, however. Some day Charlie’s intended will look at it and want to know who Orly Taitz and Liz Becton are.

    [re=398432]SayItWithWookies[/re]: First-class Blingee!! You’re an artiste. It’s as good as the Blingee Mausoleum from a few months ago.

  82. Congratulations, but [re=398411]Oh hell to the no[/re]: : No internet nephew of mine is going through life with the middle name of ALSO. It’ll be Trucknutz, that’s tradition.
    Charlie Trucknutz…think about it Secret Dan…wouldn’t that have made you imminently cool in high school?

    Suzie: “What’s your middle name?”
    Chuck the Stud: “Trucknutz, wanna see?”
    He’ll get some serious play, I guarantee.

    As for parenting advice, don’t listen to that bullshit.
    Read ’em a book!
    There’s free porn on the internet, why the hell would I read a book?
    Here, let me help you crazy kids out.
    As my grandfather explained to me one day as we were defending the homestead from marauding pilgrims, (he was Indian-feather not dot). You spend the first year of your childs life teaching them to walk and talk.
    The next seventeen telling them to sit the fuck down and shut the hell up.

    That’s why all my children (and they are an unruly multitude) only speak Mandarin Chinese. I don’t speak Mandarin Chinese and therefore none of them are upset that I ignore them. They think it’s natural, they don’t understand me either so what’s the point in yelling at each other?
    Also, when the wife asks you “Do you know what your son just said to me ?!?!?!”
    You can look her in the face and answer, “Goddamn, woman, I can hardly understand you and you’re asking me if I sabe that jabbering malcontent over there? We got like, forty kids, are your sure that’s one of ours ? He looks like your sisters kid, I’ll drive him over there and toss him out on the curb if he’s pissing you off.”
    Think about that too, Secret Dan. (the Mandarin Chinese idea, the forty kids was admittedly a mistake that I don’t encourage you repeat).

  83. Good Monday Morning Wonketters!

    This is quite off-topic, but I hear – oh… yes, I almost forgot… Hail Baby!… I hear from a friend in California that within an hour or two, the fires around Los Angeles are going to burn-out the broadcast television transmitter towers…

    So, how soon do you think the inevitable riot will begin & how long will it last?; Or conversely, how many area households will ignore or fail to notice the situation, due to their near-exclusive use of cable television and/or internet porn?

    Support your answer with complete sentences, correct grammar and well-reasoned arguments.
    Neatness counts, so your handwriting also will be evaluated. Please show all work. You have 45 minutes.

  84. [re=398473]Bearbloke[/re]: Bah — there won’t be riots. The fire’s in what, Rancho Palos Verdes? That’s all white people. Nevertheless, Schwarzeneggar will blame this on the Democrats.

  85. [re=398491]Bearbloke[/re]: Kindly go fuck yourself. And make it hurt. And if anyone would like to compare me to a nazi again, do it to my face. I live at 600 West 31st Street in Richmond, VA, and please come along and do that. I would love to have a brisk exchange of opinions.

  86. [re=398491]Bearbloke[/re]: [re=398493]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Are you two trying to get an invitation to have a beer together at the White House?

  87. [re=398347]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: All good advice. I will add (although someone probably has already): it is much easier to teach and enforce a “touch gently” policy than a “no touch” policy.
    Sara is healthy and delivered in 3 or 4 hours without any drugs. And what drugs did the dad need?

  88. [re=398493]SayItWithWookies[/re]: [re=398491]Bearbloke[/re]: Not getting involved in this one. Still think 9/11 was an inside job, though.

  89. No drugs? I’m impressed. Of course, as I write this, I have an infected tooth and am gobbling Vicodin at a Limbaughian pace.
    Once again, I step out to go to the dentist and all hell breaks loose here.

  90. This is what I get for not checking Wonkette over the weekend. Congrats to the new parents! He is cute enough that most of the comments forgot to snark, so that’s saying something. And as much as I hope that you enjoy maternity leave, come back soon, because we miss you.

  91. Congratulations, Sara! All the more reason for comprehensive health care to pass. Them l’il critters like going to doctors. Keep up the good work.

  92. Sara, Dan and baby Charlie:

    I’m late-late-late to the cascade of best wishes, but please accept mine. New life, new hope, and the world through the eyes of a wee innocent is a shining wonder. You’ve gotten some very sound advice, amidst all the good-natured customary Wonkette snark, from some of the most established and venerated of the commentators here, so take it all in the spirit in which it’s been offered.

    May you all thrive.

  93. Sorry to be late to the party, but I was out getting rained on in the Rain Forrest, of all place, for the weekend.

    Congratulations! So nice to hear something so joyful on this blog. And to be able to use the word “diaper” non-ironically.

    However, I am surprised, doesn’t Wonkette enforce a steralization policy? Surely we do not have to worry about Jim breeding, do we?

  94. Congrats to Sara and Dan, and welcome to baby Charlie!

    *coos over baby*

    *hands a spit cloth and some eatable-with-one-hand food to parents*

    (Four hours, med-free? Mazel tov. She’ll never compete in the Mommy Wars, Birth Horror Story Division, that way, but it’s just as well. ;) )

  95. Congratulations Smith family on your dashingly handsome new pink thing! Charlie’s only a couple days old, and his Internet army already boasts nearly 300 devoted troops.

    We are Snarka!

  96. Welcome to the World, young Wonketteer Charlie!

    Congratulations Sara and Secret Dan.

    OK, enough of this sentimental stuff- Back to work! Snark never sleeps…

    (Sorry for such a late post- It’s the U.S. Aussie time zone thingy, also.)

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