Mmm, that looks good, I'll have thatDefinitely not gay at all South Carolina Lieutenant Governor André Bauer, who has pledged not to run for governor if sex-having Gov. Mark Sanford resigns, so as to avoid any trace of string-pulling, has added some Modifications to this pledge. He has called on Sanford to resign IMMEDIATELY, but if he hasn’t done so within a month, then he will allow himself to run for governor. André Bauer is now praying to his gay French god (Howard Dean?) that Sanford resigns in 32 days, in which case there will be no evidence whatsoever of string-pulling or back-room deals. Not that we have any idea what this gaysack could offer Mark Sanford in exchange for a timely resignation. Anyway. [The State]

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  • ManchuCandidate

    My Impeachment With Andre?

  • Holy Cow!!

    Wow, he totally blew me at a bathhouse in Atlanta. I think he’s a life time member of Flex Baths.

  • AxmxZ

    Sanford needs a little strange to take his mind off his ‘soulmate’, and what could be stranger than this fruit?

  • Ohio Wonkette Fan

    Apparently he is not gay. I’m wondering now if he hasn’t got a babe on the side; and if not why would a middle aged guy not have something going on. Unless he’s a priest or has issues?

  • slappypaddy

    nice tie. haven’t seen a blue like that since gainsborough.

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    Who’s hikin’ his Appalachian Anus Trail?

  • Bearbloke
  • Jukesgrrl

    Change the hair to silver and you can clearly see that he is John Ensign’s brother. OK, gay brother. And remember, that guy who calls himself Ensign’s father and cashes him out of jackpots is NOT his “real” father, so if you’ve seen even one episode of The Young and the Restless, you know I’m on to something (on second thought, make that Dynasty — the fashions would be more accurate).

  • Min

    Does every politician have a tie in that exact color of blue?

  • nmmagayar

    I’d hit it

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Not that we have any idea what this gaysack could offer Mark Sanford in exchange for a timely resignation.

    I’m thinking that a gubernatorial knob-gobbling might work wonders.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    But wait, I thought André Bauer was a black guy on the teevee….

    Anywho, looks like we have a new Breck girl to make fun of–it was fun while it lasted John ‘son of a millworker’ Edwards but we found someone purtier who hasn’t (yet) cheated on his cancer ridden wife & bore a child out of wedlock with said mistress. Seriously, he’s got some nice feathering going on there…

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=395762]Min[/re]: Don’t you mean, “Does every gay politician have a tie in that exact color of blue?”

    And yes.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    He’s like a less poofy version of John Edwards. Never heard this guy speak, though. What’s his voice like?

  • Shot at Wolf

    Just why the hell is it that we SC people can’t have a “normal” politician for once? Oh. Nevermind.

  • Neilist

    He’s named “André” — with that ACCENT mark?

    And he’s NOT “gay”?


  • Speed Ball


  • RoscoePColtraine

    [re=395769]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: And when you undress him with your eyes, Andre has a decent bod.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=395776]Neilist[/re]: Worse–he’s FRENCH

  • SayItWithWookies

    Well until God calls for Sanford to resign, Sanford’s going to stick to his guns. And André is going to stick to his baguette. Though a little lube could fix that.

  • ella

    [re=395774]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: I just heard his voice at the The State link. It could tarnish silver.

  • jodyleek

    Andre was a college cheerleader. A male cheerleader, for crap’s sake.

    Do yourself a favor, Andre, and plaster your car with rainbow stickers now dude, before
    we do it for you.

  • Judas Peckerwood

    I, for one, admire Bauer’s wide, principled stance.

  • SomeNYGuy

    Fucked it already. Meh.

  • Noodle Salad

    I don’t know, the whole “I won’t run but only if you quit now but if you quit later than I’ll run later” thing strikes me more as 7th grade girl than typical Gay Gooper, which would be more “I’m running for this high orifice, er, office, no matter what, tap tap tap.”

  • CaiteeCruelle

    Mine. Mine mine mine.

  • magic titty

    Slightly off-topic: does anyone remember when former baseballer Mike Piazza held a press conference to announce he wasn’t gay??

    So awesome.

  • FredZiffel

    “Never heard this guy speak, though. What’s his voice like?”

    Gomer with a lisp.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Sweet Jesus. I just saw the vid of Bauer’s presser on The State. Somebody needs to fit that girl with a tiara STAT. Oh, and wax the poor thing’s eyebrows, for heaven’s sake.

  • slowuncle

    Gay-dre’ Bauer was supposed to be Sanford’s insurance AGAINST impeachment—you know, kinda like Hillary was supposed to have been Barry’s insurance against the McVeigh Clan- only I guess Barry was feelin’ pretty bullet-proof last summer and went with Gaffe-y Joe instead–only time will tell whether THAT was a good call…

  • Bearbloke

    [re=395797]FredZiffel[/re]: You mean a lispé – right, y’all?

  • hobospacejunkie

    [re=395797]FredZiffel[/re]: Surprise surprise surprise

  • Extemporanus

    [re=395797]FredZiffel[/re]: [re=395774]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: In other words, Monroe Ficus.

  • S.Luggo

    “The House Republican Caucus will discuss whether to impeach Sanford this weekend at its Myrtle Beach retreat.”
    Any damn excuse for a Toga party. And sexytime.

  • thejesusandmarycheney

    [re=395789]jodyleek[/re]: Eh, so was Dubya. Apparently the straight ones get more snatch than Ron Paul’s speculum.

  • hiphophitler

    Methinks the only strings this guy’s been pulling are on those skimpy little speedo thong thingies the lads are wearing at Hilton Head these days. And BTW, they don’t call it Hilton Head for nothing, if you know what I mean.

  • Uncle Glenny

    [re=395796]magic titty[/re]: He did? You mean there’s still hope we might hook up?

  • Uncle Glenny

    [re=395797]FredZiffel[/re]: Anyplace I can hear it? I’m a lisp expert – Common Lisp, ANSI lisp, MacLisp, …

  • hiphophitler

    I, for one, welcome our new gay overlord.

  • Min

    Is he not gay the same way Michelle Bachmann is not batshit crazy?

  • FredZiffel

    [re=395815]Uncle Glenny[/re]: Yeah, go to “The State” link that Newell thoughtfully provided in this item, and scroll down to the video.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh, and there might be a reason for our romantic, wistful, emotionally vulnerable Republican (Lothar of the Hill People, anyone?) and his erratic behavior — Argentina’s Supremes just ruled that you can’t punish people for smoking weed. Maybe romance is not the only thing he’s been sparkin’.

  • Death Panel Wagon

    Sanford said Wednesday that Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer’s call for him to resign hours earlier was almost like “heaven on earth.”

    wtf does this mean?

  • Dear Diorama

    Go, Gamecocks!

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=395831]Death Panel Wagon[/re]: He was just reminiscing about the last time a boy asked him to pull out.

  • Country Club Jihadi

    He is the gay love child of Burt and Ernie.

  • thejesusandmarycheney

    [re=395831]Death Panel Wagon[/re]: A sly reference to Bauer’s Belinda Carlisle penchant.

  • Kingbee

    He may not be “gay”, but surely “bi”, and that’s not “gay”, right?

  • AbstinenceOnly Ed

    Methinks there be something a-brewing between this plucky up-and-cummer André Bauer-Bottom & known XL Oompa Loompa Charlie “Fist” Crist, and that something might just be a whole steaming vat of gubernatorial-grade santorum.

  • Holding Out for a Hero

    [re=395862]Country Club Jihadi[/re]: After today’s sad news, I needed a laugh. Thanks for that one.

  • slowuncle

    [re=395895]AbstinenceOnly Ed[/re]: Jeez I think you’re right: the leadership of the entire Southeastern seaboard seems to be takin’ a HARD left turn—then a walk on the wild side. This is not your father’s South!

  • WadISay

    Whatever sort of love Andre Bauer has in his life, Wikipedia dare not speak its name.

  • Better American Than You

    Goddamn it, why does South Carolina no longer have wise and honorable political leaders like Strom Thurmond?

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Unless the Lt. Governor has a boy toy down in Rio, how does he expect to fill Sandford’s big hole?

    Still, I found it interesting that Sandford announced that he would not be railroaded out of office, but he would be willing to pull a train.

  • widget09

    By the looks of that photo, his title should be: Lieutenent Governor Andre Baurer (R-Not Gay).

  • villageatrois

    To what is this string attached? What horrible thing happens if you pull it? Would all the hot air go whooshing out of S.C., and the whole state spin out of control over Appalachia, like a Governor on walkabout?

  • Bearbloke

    [re=395912]WadISay[/re]: …but Wiki does include info on Herr Rudolph Andreas “Gai Pierré-André” Bauer’s French gay fascist plans to kill your Granny by smothering her with a blanket… Mark “Kissed by the Spider-woman” Sanford is trying to hang around so he can foil this heinous plot!

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    If I were him, I’d neglect to talk about anything pertaining to ‘railroading’ or ‘French’.
    Apparently he’s known as ‘Blue Tie Adonis’ on Gipperslist (in an ad regarding a sale of a lawn mower and uh services).

  • chascates

    Without black slaves for secret sex the planters’ sons turned to themselves for pleasuring.

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=395962]chascates[/re]: Yeah, life was a big jail back then..

  • graceless

    Come On! He’s no more gay than Mike Piazza. Errr. Sorry. As you were.

  • finallyhappy

    TWo Sanford stories in a week? Thank you Wonkette- and it isn’t even Friday yet.

  • blackdontcrack

    he’s cute! id do him

  • takes12no1

    [re=395975]finallyhappy[/re]: as a native of the great state of SC I was just wondering why you take such pleasure in our little humble state, pray tell?

  • gradgrind

    He was SO awesome in “Homicide!” Have to say I liked him better as a bald black guy.

    Frank Pemberton’s mantra works even better as a GOOPer campaign slogan: “I speak for the dead.” By next Election Day, that’s a constituency that’s sure to include a lot more of today’s wrinkly teabag-hatted loons.

  • bebopluvr

    when did that guy from “The Office” become a lieutenant governer?

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    The loafers just propel..

  • LoweredPeninsula

    There is something very unsettling about this guy. Maybe, it’s that all of his facial features are all too close together? I don’t know; what I do know is I get dizzy every time I see that picture of The Lieutenant. There was a lieutenant in the Village People, right? My god, I’m so damned confused.

  • finallyhappy

    [re=395993]takes12no1[/re]: Not just your state- I look for Sanford’s resignation, the Palin Divorce or the death of any Fox media whore. I just think Marky’s resignation is most likely. When that happens, I may concentrate on Vitters or Ensign political demise. just looking for whatever will make me happy first!

  • zhubajie

    Offer him a golden parachute to Buenas Aires.

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