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 ... and saw Mohammedan angels staggering on tenement roofs illuminated, who passed through universities with radiant cool eyes,  hallucinating Arkansas and Blake-light tragedy among the scholars of war ....It was “only” 65 years ago when America seemed to be on the upswing, in large part because millions of World War II veterans got a paid college education and no-down low-interest mortgages. Less than five years after the formal end of the Great Depression, higher education and a modern home became reality for the very people who were starving and illiterate in the grim 1930s. And now, no thanks to “Country First” fraudster John McCain, a wonderful new GI Bill was welcomed today by draft-dodging Kenyan bounty hunter Barack Obama. America now has hope that the post-9/11 veteran will end up smart, comfortable and happy … and not some redneck racist wingnut terrorist mass-murderer like Timothy McVeigh.

Many famous Americans studied with GI Bill tuition, from Lawrence Ferlinghetti to Johnny Carson. Norman Mailer went to school on the bill, which may or may not have been a good thing — and so did Phil Gramm, which was definitely a bad thing. Other well-known GI scholars include Bill Cosby, Gene Hackman, Joseph Heller, Harry Belafonte and even Bob Dole.

One of the more pathetic John McCain moments of last year was when the “I got famous for being in the military” senator refused to back a new GI Bill that would provide real education benefits for returning troops. Too expensive, sorry vets! Of course, Ol’ Walnuts McCain never had to worry about his future when he got back from Vietnam. He was the son of admirals, with TIME magazine covers and easy Washington jobs awaiting him, until the East Coast elitist sniffed out a congressional seat and a hot young beer heiress available in the same state, somewhere around Mexico.

Anyway, fuck him. Today Barack Obama, a co-sponsor of the Post 9/11 GI Bill, cheered the thing that George W. Bush actually signed into law in December. A bunch of Obama’s Republican Senate colleagues/co-sponsors didn’t show up at the White House, because who wants to be seen with this Obama thug, the way he is trying to get basic health insurance coverage for people who aren’t rich lobbyists.

But what will the new GI Bill bring to a nation on its death bed? Who knows?! Basically, if you served 36 months in the Wars On Terrors, Washington will say “thanks” by paying your tuition, books and housing at a public university — or, you can apply that to a private university, many of which are now offering scholarships to veterans to make up the difference. More than 100,000 applications have already been processed.

Experts say we may also get a new “Beat Generation” as the nation suddenly has a lot more people who can read and think critically. As these educated youngsters gaze with cynicism upon the new age of prosperity and middlebrow intellectualism, such diversions as jazz, “smoking tea” and writing long angry poems will most likely follow, eventually ending with an overeducated and prosperous generation unwilling to fight in the nation’s next bullshit colonial war, on Mars.

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73 COMMENTS

  1. I for one look forward to many more overly educated Americans who are too cynical to listen to Rush Limbaugh.

    Better to be a tea smoker than a tea bagger, I say.
    ~

  2. In a way this is the fourth GI Bill. The one after WW II paid tuition room and board. The one after Vietnam didn’t cover lodging, and didn’t front enough money for a GI to go Hahvahd, where they scorn military service anyway and don’t allow ROTC on their precious gay-friendly campus. Then there was the Sonny Montgomery GI Bill when the draft ended, but I don’t know the particulars of that one.

    This one’s way better than those cowards that lost the Vietnam War got.

    And Ken you’re so right about WALNUTS, who got his edumacation at taxpayer expense because he was a “legacy” at the Nasal Academy. If that happened to a Black, they’d call it “affirmative action,” and WALNUTS would oppose it, just like Clarence Thomas does.

  3. Even with this windfall, it’s unlikely that the next On The Road will emerge from the generation that commutes at an average speed of 17 mph on I-66 between Winchester and DC.

  4. So, does that mean that – uh, I don’t know, pick one: Channing Tatum? Sure, Channing Tatum – is going to be our generation’s Hunter S. Thompson? Can we expect him to be writing gonzo pieces for The Huffington Post – our new Rolling Stone – in, say, ten years?

    Channing Tatum will be covering the 2018 Winter Games, for the Huffington Post, while high on mushrooms, and it will bring a new awakening to this nation, the end.

  5. A bunch of Obama’s Republican Senate colleagues/co-sponsors didn’t show up at the White House, because who wants to be seen with this Obama thug, the way he is trying to get basic health insurance coverage for people who aren’t rich lobbyists.

    Stay classy, dickbags.

  6. I saw the fattest minds of my generation destroyed by cheetos, burping hysterically half-naked in tank tops and flowered shorts, dragging themselves through the streets at dawn looking for an angry negro…

    Hmm, maybe we’re not there yet so much. Give it time.

  7. Wars lead to counter-cultures which lead to a flowering of great art.

    For example, the invasion of Grenada happened in 1983 and two years later, Starship released “We Built This City”. QED.

  8. Maybe the returning vet suicide rate will go down, maybe not, but the troops deserve to be de-brainwashed at taxpayer expense, and why not do it on a lovely campus with panty raids and keggers?

  9. “leaving behind nothing but
    the shadow of dungarees and the lava and ash of poetry scattered in
    fireplace Chicago,”

    Like, Man! I always comes back to Obama.

  10. [re=376798]ExecutorElassus[/re]:

    is going to be our generation’s Hunter S. Thompson?

    Matt Taibbi is there. Man’s hilarious when he wants to be, and he sure wanted to be last time I read him.

  11. [re=376791]4tehlulz[/re]: MARS! As long as the Martians are just Stone Age non-white humanoids, and not scary enormous insects that are impervious to our lasers. ‘Cause in that case, I don’t want any part of that next colonial war.

  12. I eagerly await the next generation’s “Howl,” which will be twittered in blasts of 140 words and then posted on YouTube where the imagery behind it will largely consist of cats jumping into large boxes.

  13. Let’s see you take a 19 year old, teach him to kill, and obey orders, put him into a war zone…
    bring him home, dump him, make sure you shut down any company he could have worked for and maybe unemploye his dad and kid brother as well.. THAT’S REPUB THINKING

    FDR and BHO have it right; home, employed, married, maybe a little overweight…chasing a little American dream..thats what you want, the occasional poet being a pleasant side effect

  14. Republicans don’t want their constituents getting no fancypants edumacation. They like ’em fat, stupid, easily suggestible, and lacking in critical thinking skills like the rest of the party’s base.

  15. GI bill? Does the “GI” stand for “Global Integrated?” Because in the new “GI Joe” movie the “GI Joe” isn’t a government issue Joe, the “GI Joe” is a coed in the “Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity.” I’m just a coed entity saying.

  16. [re=376843]imissopus[/re]:

    Check out the alt. text.

    Hey, wait a sec. That text is the actual poem.

    Mine was the Birthbagger version. So my claim stands.

  17. I didn’t know about this bill, but it’s nice to hear. Oh, wait…”imbecile illusions of happiness”? Yeah, OKAY KEN, we’re still fucked. But don’t hide fucked-up shit in the section header and don’t kill our illusions. Though now that I think about it, we’re not returning to the prosperity and relative equality of the three postwar decades unless we also get a stronger labor movement, the de-finacialization of the economy, a labor market with borders, etc.

  18. [re=376793]V572625694[/re]: I got the Montgomery GI bill and it sucked balls. $415 a month for like 3 years. Needless to say I had about $80k in student loans by the time I graduated.

  19. Among the easiest ways to get into a girl’s pants in college was reciting the opening lines of Howl–and I graduated in the 21st century. It is apparent that Ken knows this, so it’s probably been that way since like, the 70s or whenever.

    [re=376810]Bill E Pilgrim[/re]: [re=376823]Hooray For Anything[/re]: You guys make me haz a sad for America.

  20. [re=376807]qwerty42[/re]: Ahh, so there will perhaps be a Red Chinese Zombie Army…on Benzedrine? Cunning.
    [re=376796]smartypants[/re]: Falafel Bill Sez: No no…just ‘Daddy’ will do fine.
    [re=376804]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Stay (d)icky, (cl)assbags. Also.[re=376844]shadowMark
    [/re]: Gorky/Illych, comrade.

  21. [re=376866]assistant/atlas[/re]: Where did you read that? The easiest way to get into a girl’s pants in college is to have a trust fund. Where did you go to college? They fell for that shit? Are you sure these were “girls?” Did they shave their underarms?

  22. ” post-9/11 veteran will end up smart, comfortable and happy … and not some redneck racist wingnut terrorist mass-murderer like Timothy McVeigh.”

    The problem with GI Bills is it tends to favor GIs that did paper pushing jobs, knowledge worker, jobs instead of re integrating Timothy McVeigh, which might have been impossible even if tried.

  23. Tonite let’s all make love in London

    as if it were 2001 the years

    of thrilling god –

    And be kind to the poor soul that cries in

    a crack of the pavement because he

    has no body –

    Prayers to the ghosts and demons, the

    lackloves of Capitals & Congresses

    who make sadistic noises

    on the radio –

    Statue destroyers & tank captains, unhappy

    murderers in Mekong & Stanleyville,

    That a new kind of man has come to his bliss

    to end the cold war he has borne

    against his own kind flesh

    since the days of the snake.

  24. America

    I’m addressing you.
    Are you going to let our emotional life be run by Time Magazine?
    I’m obsessed by Time Magazine.
    I read it every week.
    Its cover stares at me every time I slink past the corner candystore.
    I read it in the basement of the Berkeley Public Library.
    It’s always telling me about responsibility. Businessmen are serious. Movie
    producers are serious. Everybody’s serious but me.
    It occurs to me that I am America.
    I am talking to myself again.

    I was going to modify it, but dammit if it don’t still ring true. Maybe the Beats never left.

  25. So, after these GIs get educated, married, and have kids, will those kids in turn reject the values of their parents generation, grow their hair long, stop taking baths, dump their bras, hold a large music festivle in some up-state New York town, and then, 20 years later, turn into Wall Street types who say “greed is good” and vote for Reagan’s grand kid? I can’t wait.

  26. [re=376897]Paul Tardy[/re]: How many of those WW2 GI Bill beneficiaries that Ken mentioned were infantry v. paper pushers? I don’t know either but there were a lot fewer paper pushers (support troops) in WW2 than Vietnam, when the ratio was something like 20:1. And their GI Bill sucked.

  27. [re=376785]josereyes.theroof[/re]: I am crawling under my desk right now…please don’t Ayers-bomb me, P! @ the D fans! I promise to let you turn in your lab reports late.

  28. [re=376816]Bill E Pilgrim[/re]: damn, I was in goddamn Buffalo when that rag started. I can’t believe how they’ve gotten all serious and shit. Way I remember it, they were all about which bars had the best chance of a barfight, which movie cliches were being released this week, etc. It was like The Onion, but without the smug condescension.

    But alas! I’d take him seriously. We’re way past the time when the harbinger of America’s new birth can be taken seriously. Paris Hilton, yes; Nate Silver, no.

  29. [re=376864]ChernobylSoup v2[/re]: I found the Montgomery Bill quite useful at Humboldt. My $300/month or so just about covered beer and shrooms. Fortunately, I gave up pot by college, so basic expenses were a bit lower than average.

  30. [re=376940]Gumboz1953[/re]: Used to speed up just past 15 or 29 anyway when I went past Front Royal years ago. Then it was Zoom!!!!

    It took as long to commute from Dale City as from right next to West By Gawd Virginia.

    Great to escape Prince William Co but Frederick Co was worse.

  31. [re=376897]Paul Tardy[/re]: They often get screwed over by the sorts of trade schools which advertize on matchbook covers or on late-night TV.

    Zhu Bajie

  32. Uh, Cosby and all those guys were drafted. Today’s military attracts a less, er, elite soldiery. I think it’s more likely that in the future, America will have a glut of AWESOME plumbers and auto mechanics (you can use the new GI bill for trade school).

    Although, who knows. If I can get into grad school this year, I’m going to use it to get an MFA in Fine Arts.

  33. I’m gonna use my new GI Bill benes to engineer a more peaceful weapon of massive destruction. Also.
    Eh, just playing. Gonna study foreign relations. Them foreign chicks are SMOK-IN!

  34. [re=376811]wheelie[/re]: “For example, the invasion of Grenada happened in 1983 and two years later, Starship released “We Built This City”. QED.”

    Wow, I can’t believe I never made that connection before.

  35. [re=377518]idiot son of an asshole[/re]: Wait a minute… If I use these benefits, does that make me a socialist?
    Well, then… Perestroika, my dear comrades! Or something along those lines. Eich, college-bound, tally-oh!

  36. the nation’s next bullshit colonial war will not be fought on Mars, it will be in the impenetrable jungles of the Dallas-Forth Worth area.

  37. The next bullshit colonial war will be when America has to retake Texas and Colliefournia from La Raza and Mexico after Kenyan “marraca shaker” and salt licker Obama signs over the West to Mexico. I think that’s the current insane conspiracy being peddled by deranged, slobbering moron demon Lou Dobbs now that the birther gig has fallen apart. Glenn Beck as well…but he was a crazy wingnut before it was cool.

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