And this is what modern love looks like.And this is why gay marriage will never work: “Silo and Roy, two male chinstrap penguins native to the South Atlantic, made [New York] headlines six years ago when they came out with their same-sex relationship. … That all ended when Scrappy, a single female newly arrived from SeaWorld in San Diego, caught Silo’s eye. … On Thursday, Roy, all alone, sat disconsolately at the edge of the penguin area, staring at the wall.” Jesus Christ that is about the saddest story ever written. [Fox News]

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  1. Don’t worry, Roy! There are other fish in the sea! Log onto and find yourself a new, younger, hotter penguin. That’ll show that bastard!

  2. It’s only because Scrappy was wearing a strap-on.
    Don’t worry, they’ll all get together to make their own penguin-porn classic “Bi-Bi-Birdie” before too long.

    And Larry Craig is STILL not gay. Also.

  3. Scrappy? What a lousy name. Let’s see, what would be a better name for a lady who comes between two gay orange lovebirds? Oh right — Mrs. Crist.

  4. Penguins can be fucking sad, man. My wife had a miscarriage about 4 years ago, and that was generally the worst thing ever for both of us, and so someone gave us a copy of “March of the Penguins” thinking it would cheer us up. Because, penguins are funny. Except! There’s a scene near the beginning where one of the male penguins tasked with holding the egg on his feet to keep it warm has it fall off, and can’t get it back on, and the egg cracks and the chick inside freezes, and the male penguin just kind of stands there looking like he wants to die, and we both turned off the movie and sobbed for like 5 hours.

    So now my general rule of thumb is: fuck those stupid ass penguins. That being said, Roy needs to hook it up with Stan over in the puffin exhibit.

  5. [re=363967]Dave J.[/re]: Yeah that fucking movie … Nature films can be pretty emotionally brutalizing, but that one really took the cake.

  6. But who, in this tragic breakup, is going to get the furniture? After all, some of those rocks are valuable antiques.

    And what about the collection of autograph prints by Tom of Finland?

    [Tom of Finland. There were so many things I could have done with that, but didn’t.]

  7. [re=363953]NoWireHangers[/re]: San Diego is NOT the OC. If anything, Scrappy’s probably one of those illegal immigrant penguins that have been swimming around the border fence at Tijuana. First they take our jobs, now they’re stealing our males!

  8. That saucy home-wrecking harlot should be put down. I mean clearly would should project human emotions and motivations on to the birds because they are so similar to us.

  9. With a name like Scrappy, I suspect this has less to do with a heterosexual conversion than it has to do with a meth problem.

  10. [re=363967]Dave J.[/re]: Jeebus, what an awful story. So sorry you went through that. That idiot obviously had not watched MOTP. The next time that person needs cheering up, recommend The House of Sand and Fog. (warning: if you watch it first, grind and snort Prozac before viewing).

  11. Love hurts, dude.

    I’d better go over to and place my order for the “And Tango Makes Three” sequel, “Tango and the Shared Custody Agreement”.

  12. How do we know it’s really Silo doing the hot furry humping? Not to sound penguinist, but all South Atlantic Chinstraps look alike to me. Probably some gay bashing fundie zoo keeper threw in a bisexual ringer and immediately called Fux Noise.

  13. [re=363985]Doglessliberal[/re]: Yeah, it was rough. I don’t think the person who gave us MOTP had seen it, either. They just assumed penguins = funny. But I’m sure tons of baby penguins get eaten by killer whales and etc. throughout the movie as well.

    Nature films really need a “If you have recently had [insert traumatic experience] happen to you, do not see this movie!” warning.

  14. Y’know, when your dog humps your leg? He’d really rather be humping a lady dog, but there don’t happen to be any around.

    So he’s gay for your leg? I don’t think so. He’s just loaded with healthy young doggie testosterone and needs an outlet. I’m thinking maybe penguins have a version of that.

  15. Who knew there were Argentinian penguins?

    “Dearest Scappy, You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle pecks with your beak, or that I love your ability to eat endless or that amounts of sardines, I love the gentle bounce of your waddle, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself). Love, Silo”

  16. [re=363967]Dave J.[/re]: Aw crap, now I’m sobbing too. My youngest would be almost five years old now, if he/she had made it out.

    [re=363985]Doglessliberal[/re]: Or “Crash.” That one’s a real yuk-fest too.

  17. [re=363967]Dave J.[/re]: I am sorry about your loss but re: March of Penguins, it’s the same reason I could never watch Meerkat Manor. Between these stories and the Humane Society’s abused animals commercial, I become a manic depressive. Geez, now I need to go watch a rerun of the Mark Sanford press conference to make me laugh.

  18. Dave J.[/re]: [re=364001] Cherry Garcia[/re]: We bought and watched the whoie Planet Earth series, the BBC version–you need to get that one, not the Americanized version–and it was chock full o’ depressing moments. On the other hand, it did have great scenes like the hoard of otters chasing off a crocodile.

  19. [re=363993]Dave J.[/re]: Yeah that whole movie is basically two hours of penguin attrition. Every time they walk to the ocean, walk from the ocean, go fishing, experience a storm or whatever, Morgan Freeman intones, “Alas, some may die” or some variant thereof. Watching it in a theater packed with kids, I got a sense of dread every time a new phase of the penguin year opened.
    And sorry about you and your wife’s loss. Miscarriage can be particularly awful because we don’t have any kind of ceremony like a funeral that publicly acknowledges it. But hell I turned into a blubbering zombie for weeks after my sweet little cat died, so kids — I think I’d better avoid having them.

  20. [re=364000]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Very sorry to hear that. And sorry I took this cheerful thread to a dark and sad place, people! But, important life lesson: if you have close friends or relatives who lost a pregnancy, talk to them! It’s brutally difficult to endure, and people kind of avoid you because they don’t want to bum you out. But talking is what they really want to do–please don’t shut them out!

    Ok, that’s enough important life lessons for one day. I need to go watch Lindsey Graham talking like a fucking idiot to cheer myself up.

    Oh, and one final note: I’ve been to that Penguin Encounter exhibit in San Diego so many times I’ve memorized the whole thing. Basically, those penguins don’t do shit all day except sit around and eat tons of fish. Scrappy may seem cool to Silo now, but I guarantee she’s got a HUGE sense of entitlement, and is going to whine his fucking ear off. He’ll be back to Roy before you know it.

  21. Yeah, well, we’ll see how smug that c*ckblocking hen-whore is in a few years when she realizes the tacklebox she bought for his fishing weekends away from home has never even been opened.

  22. Roy would have been better served to screech at Scrappy, “GET OFF MY MAN, YOU PINHEAD!!!! GET OFF MY MAN!!!!!!!!!!! Most. Persuasive. Argument. Evah.

  23. So I now have a Wonkette account for the sole purpose of pointing out that this is old news. The boys broke up back in 2005, as the dateline states.

    Some of us still keep the hope alive that they’ll rekindle their bromance. Assuming they’re still alive. How long do gay penguins live after they find penguin Jesus or whatever happens there?

  24. [re=364005]Dave J.[/re]: Everyone who’s not sob-shaking too hard to type, and who’s tears haven’t completely obscured their vision, should go to this site NOW for a much-needed cheer-thee-up:

    Fuck You, Penguin!

  25. [re=364017]greggvl[/re]: Ah, Faux Noise: keeping it real, as always, with a non-story about Brokeback Penguins that’s 4 years old. Still: resulted in some good snark here, along w/sympathies to Dave J & his spouse.

  26. Didn’t the Fundies have some big thing about how March of the Penguins was all about them?: dutiful, self-sacrificing, beset on all sides by hostile nature and liberalism, represented by killer whales. Every time I hear one of these stories about penguins taking it in the shorts, it makes me happy.

  27. Well, look on the bright side, ye sensitive souls shaken to the core by March of the Penguins… if every single one of those little tuxedo-birds survived, we’d be neck deep in the fuckers. Read your Malthus!

  28. [re=364000]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Crash, funny story about that movie. Friend of mine told it to me. His friend worked at a movie store and a lady asked him to recommend a movie and he recommended Crash for it’s examination of race-relations in America. Next day, the lady comes back and is absolutely furious that he would ever recommend that movie to anyone and that their store should be ashamed to even carry that title. At first he thought that the woman must be some kind of racist until he realized that she had mistakenly rented a 1997 film of the same name that was about people with a sexual fetish for car accidents.

  29. What? Buffalo and Wonkette are related? And both bisexual, I mean, “two spirit”?

    Reproductive habits and sexual behavior
    Homosexual behavior—including courtship and mounting between bulls—is common among bison. The Mandan nation Okipa festival concludes with a ceremonial enactment of this behavior, to “ensure the return of the buffalo in the coming season.” Inter-sexual bison also occur. The Lakota refer to them as pte winkte—pte meaning bison and winkte designating two-spirit—thereby drawing an explicit parallel between transgenderism in animals and people.

  30. I assumed someone had already mentioned this because it was on the Colbert Report last night, but apparently not:

    Almost the exact same thing just happened at the San Francisco Zoo, though in this case it was cold conniving bitch Linda breaking up the buttsecks between Magellenic penguins Harry & Pepper.

    I was at the zoo a couple weeks ago, and I can assure you that Pepper is so totally not over it yet. Also, the thigh-high rubber boot-wearing penguin whisperer who does a little spiel and answers questions before shoving hundreds of mackerel down the birds’ throats was hella hawt!

  31. Come on. How could they even tell which was which?

    [re=363999]teebob2000[/re]: … you’ve visited Neverland as a ten year old?

  32. [re=364079]populucious[/re]: [re=364092]Extemporanus[/re]: Hey! I’ll try to remember to hit “refresh” before “submit” next time.

  33. Same exact thing happens in prisons every day. Men who would really prefer to do the thing with ladies find only other men around.

    Prisons, zoos, what’s the diff?

  34. Ugh. I’ve already had Evangelical Christians gleefully shove this news story in my face saying SEE, HOMOSEXUALITY REALLY IS A CHOICE! EX-GAY PENGUIN! (yes they spoke in all caps).

    I want to point out that there have been other gay penguin couples in the world besides this one, but they think Jesus has just descended from heaven calling them his blessed warriors and I don’t think I’ll be able to burst their bubble.

  35. [re=363967]Dave J.[/re]: I plain refused to watch that movie for a similar reason. Fucking goddamn flightless motherfucking birds.

  36. [re=363967]Dave J.[/re]: [re=364000]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: [re=363985]Doglessliberal[/re]: I dated this girl for a couple of months back in 2005. We rented the movie Closer (her alleged favorite) and went back to her apartment. Didn’t actually put the movie on. I went to get the box of condoms I had left there a week earlier and she said “I don’t think there are any left” meaning she had used them all without me. After that she dumped me and never returned the movie fucking me over with late fees. When I finally saw the movie it was the most twisted, sadistic relationship flick ever. The point being that peoples taste in movies tell you a lot about them.

    Gay penguins are hawt, also.

  37. So the article is about Chinstrap Penguins [Pygoscelis antarctica] but the picture is clearly a pair of copulating King Penguins [Aptenodytes patagonicus]? Sheesh, what a screw-up! Not even the right genus!

  38. If you take out the baby penguin, this is basically the plot of “Little Ashes”.

    Which means Roy will be shot by a Nationalist firing squad any day now – or, um, whatever sub-Antarctic birds represent fascism.

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