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Silly Jon Corzine once abandoned his comfy job as a United States Senator in order to waste all of his money on a bid for Governor of New Jersey, that scorching slab of rocks and trash soundtracked to the din of furious rats screaming about property taxes. But as Corzine would soon discover, trying to balance the budget during a Great New Depression that your state’s top earners spent years engineering at their day jobs across the Hudson will make you VERY UNPOPULAR. And now that Corzine’s trailing by double-digits in his bid for reelection this November, his magic 8-ball of Despair has recommended selecting 38-year-old Randal Pinkett, winner of NBC’s The Apprentice, Season 4, as his running mate — “to energize the African-American base.” Politics is easy! [The Awl]

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42 COMMENTS

  1. He should pick that new dreamy boss at Dunder-Miflin. He straigtened Michael Scott’s ass out; he can easily fix the Garden State.

  2. So Cory Booker is too smart to take the job? I guess he can run in four years and set himself up for a presidential run in the future and become our first non-white, non-Arab first black president.

  3. Jim, I really don’t think “magic 8-ball of Despair” is an appropriate way to refer to the head of such an accomplished young black man.

    It’s more of a “magic 8-ball of Hope”, don’t you think?

  4. John might as well get used to hearing:
    “You’re fired.”
    “You’re the weakest link, goodbye.”
    “The Tribe Has Spoken.”
    “I’ll buy that for a dollar.”

  5. Ouch — if that’s what fate befalls the winner of The Apprentice, what horrible end awaits the losers? Are they all production assistants on America’s Got Talent?

  6. White people should just keep throwing decent looking black guys into high level positions until they figure out what sort of crazy voodoo magik Hopey is weilding. I mean it has to be something to do with teh black, am I rite?? Maybe more hip-hop, urban scenarios are needed!

  7. Residents of the Garden State wouldn’t have those insane property taxes if every hamlet of more than 12 houses didn’t have a government the size of the British Parliament. Three-quarters of the residents of New Jersey are on some kind of government payroll and the other 25% work for Bruce Springsteen. It has to be heaven on earth or people wouldn’t pay so much to live there.

  8. “Jon” seems such a nice fellow in person, but, well, he sure can fuck up. My take on him is that he thinks running the state is about policy and competence. He puts young technocrats in charge of everything, and being young technocrats, they alienate everybody and fuck everything up, and as for him, he really seems to be just dabbling, though its hard to believe he spent $60 million just to dabble. The only explanation is that he thinks being governor is just a way station on the way to the Presidency. Ooooops! Fat shitbag douchesack fuckwad Chris Christie will probably eke out a win, and then continue with his hobby of politically motivated prosecutions of democratic politicians.

  9. [re=363406]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Ah, you know, do you not, that public offices and government jobs in New Jersey are inherited positions now? Yes, only the children of policemen are allowed to become policemen anymore, and so on, and so on. Its like a title of nobility.

    There is no way that New Jersey is going to reduce the number of its 600 seperate school boards, because if they did, there would be no jobs for some of the 600 school superintendants, and all their freinds and relations.

    The only way we are going to reduce the number of government workers and officials will be to start some kind of forced sterilization campaign, only reducing the birth rate will reduce the constant need to expand every department and branch of government for the purpose of employing the offspring of the current workers in said branch or department of government.

    As someone who came quite close to landing a plum post on this gravy train, I am bitter and fucking angry, because ordinarily, when you don’t get the job, it affects only you, but my failure means that my children, and their children, down the generations, are also all out of jobs and the security of the public employee pension and health systems. Fuck.

  10. Jim,

    Lamenting property taxes is actually how we greet each other in NJ.

    I also lament that the governor’s seat will turn red next year, also.

  11. [re=363435]Prommie[/re]:

    Are you from NJ? You should know then that there won’t be any shortages of bodies anytime soon. I stopped at a McDonalds to use the restroom, and I accidentally interrupted about 8 immigrants trying to take a shower in the sink.

    Our cups runneth over with bodies.

    Tambien.

  12. Sure. At least the winner of the Apprentice isn’t just an actor. We’ve never elected actors to high office — oh. Never mind.

  13. Is this the guy who got a half billion dollar deal in PG? I don’t watch the TV show but Washingtonian had an article about a guy on the show who was doing a big development deal in PG. Although really I don’t care. New Jersey- meh.

  14. [re=363485]ElRat[/re]: I believe that’s the gold plated cock ring he was awarded for winning The Apprentice.

    It’s too small for him, so he wears it on his wrist.

  15. Corzine couldn’t get re-elected if he chose Jesus Christ as his running mate. Go back to Goldman Sachs and your scam-artist crap on Wall Street, you slob.

  16. I remember when Trump tried to get Randal to share his prize with that pretty white woman he was competing against and Randal was all “Hell to the naw!”, and all of the white posters on the Apprentice boards were just horrified and thought Randal was the most evil man ever. Good times.

  17. i just have to step back for a moment and comment on the writing:

    New Jersey, that scorching slab of rocks and trash soundtracked to the din of furious rats screaming about property taxes.

    well done mr. newell.

  18. I’ll be damned. I didn’t think NJ had a Lt Gov–they didn’t when I lived there. Those crazy folks up and changed their constitution. Huzzah!

    Don’t dis NJ, also. I rather liked living there. Of course I was renting, single, and didn’t think much about property taxes. And where I live now in the South, we don’t have much taxes. Because we don’t have any services, and all our neighbors just got robbed, the end.

  19. [re=363636]BlueStateLibtard[/re]: Jesus Christ released a press release, yesterday, saying that he can not forsee himself running for Lt. Governor of the State of New Jersey. And, that’s saying something, because this guy can forsee [i]everything[/i].

    [re=363406]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Ha! NJ really does have a gross amount of local government as well as the size of local government. We’ve got cities, villages, and townships here in Michigan, and that’s it, and township government is ran by only 5 to 7 member boards, and no more of which only 2 to 4 are actually board trustees.

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