Some of us have been on vacation since Wednesday, at the delightful Beach, but how could we miss Sarah Palin’s latest cosmic sack o’ lies and demons and terror? Watch her “I’m going to resign because governing a state is hard when you have absolutely no interest in governing a state” speech, it is packed with funnies. We are sobbing. There are evil monsters screeching in the background. And Piper’s feet itch! [YouTube]

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  1. Dolphins! Of course! That’s the wildlife being slaughtered just off camera. It wouldn’t be a Palin Presser without blood.

  2. Her masters in the Andromeda Galaxy relized that she was never going to fulfill her mission to become Ruler of Earth so they have summoned her back to Gagnon-3 where she will return to her former job as a dog groomer.

  3. “I betcha I’d have more endurance,” she told Runner’s World magazine in an interview published online Tuesday.

    “My one claim to fame in my own little internal running circle is a sub-four marathon” in Anchorage, she said, referring to her 2005 sprint in the Humpy’s Marathon in which she beat the four-hour mark by 24 seconds. “What I lacked in physical strength or skill, I made up for in determination and endurance,” she said.

  4. Yes she is. Yes. She is.

    Also, she was really nervous throughout the whole thing, which means there is something going on.

    I do not believe this POTUS run bullshit. If it is true, her advisers need to eat a bag of dicks for there retardation.

  5. Oh, God. Is there a transcript somewhere? I couldn’t get past the part where she said I was naive if I didn’t think she could play basketball, or something. Also.

  6. Was she saying words? I heard some rhythmic sounds and a lot of breathing in noises, but I wasn’t sure if she was actually speaking any recognizable human language.

  7. msnbc: even the smirking penis-faced guy from townhall says this is decision “insanity” if it’s part of a plan for 2012.

  8. David Letterman, this is all your fault.

    So many audible inhales. She mentions giving her reasons, but I’m not so sure that I understand what they are.

  9. This is the first time I’ve noticed that SP looks like a light-skinned Michael Jackson. He dies and she resigns…shit is starting to make sense.

  10. Naw, those sounds were the cries of the newborn demon spawn she was issuing forth from her sideways life portal. She had like, five babies during this thing.

    Also, B.S.(Bible Spice, sillyz) we don’t need no stinkin’ esplanation for that “Hell yeah” vote you got from one of the kids. Bristol was just in the middle of yet another climax is all.

  11. No, one does not release Happy News on Friday afternoon before the 4th.

    I’m thinking she’s either afraid of the Mark Sanford talk-a-thon or she has a darker-skinned loaf baking in the oven.

  12. “My choice is to take a stand and effect change and not just hit our head against the wall, and watch valuable state time and money — millions of your dollars — go down the drain in this new political environment — rather we know we can effect positive change outside government at this moment in time on another scale and actually make a difference for our priorities, and so we will, for Alaskans and for Americans.”

    WTF? Is there a moron-to-English translator out there somewhere?

  13. So she thinks more “average Americans” should be in politics? Well, I suppose she could be described as “average,” if you don’t care what you say.

  14. I hope whatever comes out is really big. Over the last year I’ve become physically dependent on Sarah Palin’s lunacy. I don’t think I can go cold turkey.

  15. [re=354033]SpecialHorse[/re]: [re=354030]aeiou[/re]: This insane lady has yet to make any sense on any issue at any time. Why start now?

  16. No book deal as long as she is governor, so bag that. Take the millions, let someone else write your book, then you have the money to put the tard in a home. Done.

  17. [re=354028]catdance[/re]: Which one is the fourteen year old? Willow? Maybe she got knocked up by Alex Rodriguez, after all.

  18. [re=353997]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: “Also, she was really nervous throughout the whole thing, which means there is something going on.I do not believe this POTUS run bullshit. If it is true, her advisers need to eat a bag of dicks for there retardation.”

    I agree completely about the quiver in her voice. This sounds like a precipitous decision with a real bomb shell to follow. Like an affair–hers, not Todd’s.

    As to her advisors, what advisors? All she has is Todd. ‘Nuff said.

  19. Todd has been hiking the Appalachian Trail and she’s gotta quit being governor in order to spend all her time plotting revenge.

  20. avec regrets to David Letterman:

    Top Ten Reasons Sarah Palin Resigned:

    10) Next years Alaskan Budget only works with a ton of Stimulus dollars.

    9) All the kids other than Bristol, really Bristol’s kids.

    8) Has found her soul mate in Argentina.

    7) Soon to be release sex tape of her taking it in the rear from Jonah Goldberg as Kathryn Lopez masturbates in the background.

    6) Knocked up by A-Rod at the last Yankees’ game.

    5) Knocked up by Giuliani at last Yankees’ game.

    4) Modeling for Runners World more in line with her ambitions.

    3) Knocked up by David Letterman at last Yankees’game.

    2) Having appeared in Runners World, now incredibly interested in these books thingies, and will spend the next three years working through the complete collection of the learned Dr. Seuss.

    1) What the hell was anyone thinking letting me run anything?

  21. Didn’t she sign a book deal recently? It’s hard to have a book ghostwritten and govern a state at the same time, maybe?

    Either way, this will help sales. And I don’t care what Andrea Mitchell’s sources are telling her, Snowbilly likes the spotlight way too much and her followers are way too fanatic about her to let her go away. She’s up to something. You betcha.

  22. any half-decent basketball coach will tell you not to look at the basket during a full court trap (or at any other time, really, unless you’re shooting). the basket ain’t going anywhere. you’re looking up so you can see from where the defense is coming, (hopefully) anticipate, and make, you know, strategic decisions. SP’s attempt at analogy shows three things: (1) she didn’t do so hot on the SATs (5 1/2 colleges in 5 1/2 YEARZ!!, Alan!!), (2) she’s not qualified to run a junior high girl’s basketball team (as either player or coach) and (3) her failz at logic actually work as a pretty decent metaphor for her current lot in (political) life.
    RIP, also.

  23. I would like to extend my heartfelt congratulations to The Internet Hate Machine, for their relentless shooping and related Palin/Trig mockery. I almost can’t believe that she mentioned that in her rambling, screeching speech, but she did, thus exposing her thin, thin skin.

    THUMBS UP, Internet Hate Machine, a big THUMBS UP.

  24. I don’t care what she plans to do…write a book, host a show, drop a kid, run for another office. She was elected, God only knows why, to serve the Alaskan people as governor, and she is quitting over a year before her term is up. Unless she has a brain tumor or demon possession, that decision ought to disqualify her from ever again holding any office higher than hall monitor.

    And hall monitor is a stretch.

  25. Watching Fox. This is just Bible Spice putting her family first by quitting the nasty political game to launch herself to POTUS.

    Huh? Is that not a contradiction–oh right. It’s Fox.

    Lady Lyn DeFuckchild says this is just sexism forcing her out. This is just classism, too. Huh. Have the Palins been invited to the Surrey estate? No?

  26. Can anyone question, though, that the best thing for Alaska is for Palin not to be governor?

    And she uses Women’s Basketball as a metaphor? Doesn’t that mean she is gay? Might as well just quote an Indigo Girls song.

  27. right after she talks about “polling her kids” about a possible resignation, she makes the most disturbing hissing/inhaling sound, like she was trying to suck a piece of pulled moose bbq sandwich from between her teeth.

    she also pronounced the world “seal” so it sounded like “sill”, which is the mating call of stupid white trash.

  28. As agonizing as it was to watch the entire video, it was worth it to see the camera turn to show the audience – not to mention the location of this momentous speech.

  29. I bet its because the mean people of Alaska actually were expecting her to WORK. Oh, and investigating those receipts she’s sending in and all.

  30. Please people, the rumor about Todd and the luv guv (the one from SC, not NY) is absolutely not true….which means TMZ will have all the pictures by the middle of next week.

  31. [re=354054]SpecialHorse[/re]: Really. And Stewart always goes into reruns in holiday weeks. Thank god Bill Maher is live.

  32. “So, like our brave American soldiers, who never quit, I am quitting!”

    Let’s face it, the Republicans ruined her when they showered her with $100,000.00 clothes. She just can’t shop at Neiman Marcus on a government salary. Now she can appear on FOX News for a couple of million, and if Bill O’Reilly wants to cover her in falafel, so much the better.

  33. Wow….Christmas came early this year. Or really late.

    Guess Caribou Barbie decided being Todd Palin’s baby-making drudge is fulfillment enough for one lifetime – ’cause her political career is fuckin’ toast. Oh she may run – but she will lose. She won’t come close to the nomination.

    Mitt Romney will have so much fun mocking her for not having the fortitude and courage to stick it out even for one term as Governor of a rural Arctic backwater, never mind an urban-sprawl ridden, sin encrusted, communist enclave like the People’s Republic of Fagachusetts like he did. Besides – what would she do as President? Imagine what she would be like – with the Nation’s Comedians bashing her face in daily. Cry like a widdle gurl on Sean Hannity’s show? Have a tantrum? Bite her lip? Feeble-assed, narcissistic, little coward. Besides – she never even saved the Olympics!

    Buh-bye, Snowbilly! GAME OVER.

  34. Let’s snark it up now, because with 6 months of intensive study, she’s going to reappear rocking her newfangled North-of-100 IQ. (Don’t worry, it’s FPO, but still)

    And then we will all be in trouble. Preznit Pailin will enjoy having the last laugh!

    (please bombshell scandal please bombshell scandal please bombshell scandal…)

  35. [re=354093]Cinderella Boy[/re]:

    The scandal is about money. You just know it is. She already screwed her husband’s business partner and didn’t step down when that came out. HAS to be money.

  36. From Andfrew Halcro’s blog:
    “A few weeks ago, Dennis Zaki posted on his popular website ( a cryptic message about a pending bombshell that had to do with an investigation into Palin’s finances.
    Last week, local blogger Linda Kellen-Biegal ( successfully raised roughly $6,000 to pay the cost associated with a freedom of information request of emails between the Palin administration and local talk show host and close friend of Palins, Eddie Burke. The emails were due to be released in a few days.
    The bottom line is that there has to be something major that forced Palin to bail out with sixteen months left in her term. Something so big and so damaging that she feared dealing with it in the public arena.”

  37. So, what devil powers has Mitt Romney been given that he can crush his opponents so. Didn’t something like this happen in The Omen III.

    [re=354063]SmutBoffin[/re]: Remember, Bill Kristol thought that the Iraq war was a shrewd move.

  38. I haven’t actually heard a Sarah Palin speech in quite some time now.

    Remember about 8 or 9 months ago, when we’d get to enjoy such brilliance multiple times a day? Ah, memories.

  39. she writes speeches like i wrote college papers, which is to say by finding a way to get to 15 pages, 12 pt. font, double spaced, without actually saying anything new after page 1. only for her there is even less content, as in zero, and her sentences are, well, how to say this politely, avant-garde?

  40. Andrew Sullivan is creaming himself on the Dish. I just left the site, so does this mean my computer now has a virus?

  41. Hey, being batshit crazy hasn’t slowed down Bachmann or Kern’s political careers – what’s Sarah’s prob? QUITTER!!!

  42. is this speech meant to be delivered in a single insane run-on sentence? pause, sarah. take a breath every five paragraphs. jeezum crow.

  43. Really, money? Did the world just elicit one giant, collective “Meh”?

    I guess we can all cite the Al Capone / Tax Evasion example, but shady finances just don’t seem like the smoking guns they used to be.

  44. [re=354092]NJB[/re]: Hm, we’ll see. Even if her political career is over, so long as it’s one of your “lesser” sins – theft or tax evasion, and not abortion or gaying around – she might, as somebody above suggested, have a fine career to look forward to in the newsertainment field. Didn’t she just sign a book deal or something?

  45. You know, with Joe the Plumber being the thought leader of the GOP these days, she may feel that 2 1/2 years as governor of Alaska may make her look a wee bit “overqualified” to be president. She’s got the education experience as Wassila PTA chairperson, so I suspect she’ll take a post on the Wasilla Road Commission to round herself out and launch her 2012 bid from a really strong position.

  46. After her conversation with Lucianne Goldberg, Palin was convinced that having a retarded son is NOT sufficient to get you elected president.

  47. [re=354085]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Um, Bill Maher is off this week. I think Craig Ferguson is the only one not in reruns tonight. I’m going to make my own comedy tonight, and my own cocktails.

    Happy B-Day, America! Seriously, though, you’ve gotten fat.

  48. “I know when it’s time to pass the ball for victory,” Palin said

    Yeah, but a guard doesn’t walk off the court after she’s passed the ball. I’m betting there’s a baby in the works SOMEWHERE as well as an indictment for money-funniness.

  49. Quitter quitter
    Don’t be bitter
    The Plumber needs
    A new pipe fitter
    Off she’ll go
    With Todd in tow
    To learn new skills —
    New clothes, also!

  50. The happiest guy in America right now has to be John Ensign. He announces his sex scandal, boo hoo, and is immediately followed by MJ’s a Farrah Fawcett’s deaths, Sanford and the Argentine, and now this. Timing is everything.

  51. I think a lifetime of speaking with no punctuation has gotten to her. With all those sharp inhalations, she sounded like Jack Palance in “Tango & Cash”.

    Also, thank you 4chan for Stormtrooper Trigg. Also.

  52. [re=354107]chascates[/re]: Holy crap, she really does look pregnant. In all seriousness, that would be fucking horrible. On the other hand…no, I can’t do it.

  53. [re=354113]Rev. Peter Lemonjello[/re]: Dear, dear Rev.

    It is not unusual, as a teenager, to become curious and read the Daily Dish. Some would say that everyone has a little Sullivan in them, and that a well rounded individual is not harmed by a little experimatation.

    But, if you are in you twenties, and you have the Dish in your favorites, and when anything happens, you wonder what Sully is thinking now. Well, then, you sir are an abomination unto God.


  54. [re=354041]Mama Grizzly[/re]: “YOU MONSTERS MADE TRIGG CRY!!!!

    I haz to resign :/”

    it’ll be a campaign promise to ban photoshoppery from the internets

  55. no no no no no. I don’t care how much extra funny time we get with Bible Spice now. I just want her to go away. I’ve never hated a politician so much. Aaarrgghhh.

  56. Pregnant with Levi’s love child, FTW! You just know it’s a whole love/hate thing she’s got going with him. Have fun hiking the Appalachian Trail, you crazy kids!

  57. The last 10 months of Sarah Palin’s life are a case study in how once a group of people make their minds up about something, no amount of facts to the contrary can convince them they are wrong. The mountain of evidence that Palin wouldn’t be able to handle the job of being president (lying about her record as governor of Alaska and padding her resume by claiming that “executive experience” was more valuable than legislative experience despite the fact the her running mate was a legislator, not knowing her running mate’s positions or record in office, not able to coherently answer relatively easy questions from Charles Gibson or Katie Couric about anything except oil, needing her running mate to answer questions for her in subsequent interviews, not being able to answer questions about various topics during the debate, being thin-skinned and starting fights with late-night comedians and bloggers, and finally quitting her job because by her own admittance it’ll be too hard to get anything done) is never countered with anything more than “it’s the liberal media’s fault” or “but she connects with people.” It is sad to think that such a large chunk of the American people are capable of self-delusion of this magnitude.

  58. No, she’s not pregnant, she just off her meds again.

    I certainly hope that when she says “affect change for Alaskan outside the government” she doesn’t mean packing fertilizer explosives into rented vans and piloting them into a federal building.

  59. So, let me get this straight, this is a women that actively campaigned to be vice president. Had Bill Kristol up for Moose Chili and shook her tits in his face and everything. And, knowing that her daughter was preggers out of wed lock and having to have to be aware of what modern American Politics are like (cf. Ted “It’s not a dump truck” Stevens), she accepts it. But now it is too much, so she is quitting so she can go out and walk the world, because that will cause less attention on her and her snowbilly family?

    Her quitting “is not politics as usual.” The only way that makes sense is that, in the Republican Party, if you resignation has nothing to do with cruising for gay sex in a restroom, that is unusual.

  60. To the tune of Maria

    I governed a state named Alaska,
    But suddenly I see
    How nasty folks can be
    To me!

    I’m turning my back on Alaska,
    But don’t think for a day
    I’ll ever go away
    From you!

    The White House!
    Say it loud and there’s Democrats braying,
    Say it soft and there’s Hannity saying,
    He’ll never let go of Alaska!

  61. I’m sure if she’s actually pregnant with Levi’s child. Maybe he just threatened to tell the Dude that he used to bang her in order to get access to Bristol.

  62. Wow, on FOX News, this is worse than the death of the demi-God known unto you as Michael Jackson. They have been going without commercials, and they have found all these idiot wingers to come on to defend this. “Sure, she mowed down 10, but that DUI just proves that she is a rebel that is out of the box. She is not going to play politics as usual.”

    And poor John McCain, he will have to go to his death bed knowing that he unleashed this on the world. The triumphant cries of comedy writers will do nothing to stop his bitter tears.

  63. Chuck Todd just nailed it. She’s going to go sell her celebrity to rich, fat conservative douches (not his exact words) and become a wealthy woman. Once you’ve shopped Neiman’s, it’s hard to go back to consignment shops in Wasilla.

    Her schtick was running out in Alaska, too, according to the CS Monitor. Also, not their words.

    Daytime talk show contract? Someone told her she had to read a book if she wanted to get some chops to run for Prez? Shit, she didn’t even have to do that in college.

  64. What the fuck is she rambling about?!?!
    All I could gather:
    1. Her being governor will cost Alaskans millions of dollars.
    3. She is resigning to be the new point guard for the Alaskan Moose Knuckles
    4. Fighting onward and upward, and forever twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.

    Jesus H. Crisco, should I be rejoicing or investing in a fallout shelter?

  65. From Politico:
    Patrick J. Egan, Professor of Politics and Public Policy, NYU:
    “Palin’s resignation comes as a surprise, but it’s really making the best of a bad situation. Governing was never her strong suit; she’s at her best when she’s can act–and be perceived–as an outsider.”

    God knows we need another President who doesn’t know shit about ‘governing.’

  66. Major highlight(at 3:01):
    When the dolphins cheer after she says “and finally, I polled the most important people in my life, my kids…”

  67. Lionel, don’t MAKE me want to watch teh evil FUX network. Stop making it sound so roll-on-th-floor hilarious!

    “She is dead, our beloved snow queen. There will be no more rainbows or ponies.”

  68. A Republican source close to her political team told CNN’s John King that it was a “calculation” she made that “it was time to move on.” The governor’s “book deal and other issues” were “causing a lot of friction” in her home state, the source said, adding that he believes she is “mapping out a path to 2012.”
    Another source, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said Palin “thinks she has accomplished goals she has set forward. … She sees what a positive influence she has had on people’s lives from traveling the country in the last year.”

    And Political Genius Mary Matalin sez:
    “Her delivery was incredible, if you’re a less charismatic person, you probably couldn’t pull it off,” Matalin said. “[Now] she will be freed up and liberated the way Mitt Romney is to raise money and get political chips by spending it and getting political capital. And she is still raising the kinds of crowds and money she always did.”

  69. Ha Ha Ha the Perennial Narcissist Ms. Palin just had to steal the thunder from Thomas Jefferson, George Washington & permanantly anaesthesized Michael Jacksons last concert hubbub at the Staple Center. She’s only 2 weeks out from her David Letterman uproar. To explain the extreme earliness of her big announcement, the mental giant nonreader Ms. Palin probably thinks the next Prez race is 2010.

  70. [re=354115]obfuscator[/re]: [re=354110]iantenna[/re]: Yeah, I sat through the longwinded speech and listening carefully, I got

    I’m quitting early
    Lt gov is going to take over
    Basketball analogy – pass the ball off
    Regular folks in politics = good

    I can’t remember anything else? Was there anything else, or just repeat same things several slightly different ways?

  71. And Bill Kristol:
    “If Palin wants to run in 2012, why not do exactly what she announced today? It’s an enormous gamble – but it could be a shrewd one. After all, she’s freeing herself from the duties of the governorship. Now she can do her book, give speeches, travel the country and the world, campaign for others, meet people, get more educated on the issues – and without being criticized for neglecting her duties in Alaska. I suppose she’ll take a hit for leaving the governorship early – but how much of one? She’s probably accomplished most of what she was going to get done as governor, and is leaving a sympatico lieutenant governor in charge.

  72. Current Odds from London on Which Family Member is the real reason for Sarah quitting:

    Bristol pregnant again, this time father is head of Abstinence Only organization: 9/2
    Bristol pregnant again, wants to marry father, Newt Gingrich: 14/1
    Bristol pregnant again, father is black/muslim: 3/1
    Willow pregnant: 6/1
    Bristol is gay: 7/4
    Willow is really a boy 43/1
    First Dude is banging Greta Van Sustren: 2/1
    Piper is pregnant: 24/1
    Track has gotten fellow soldier pregnant: 3/2
    Track has gotten Iraqi girl pregnant (Sunni): 7/2
    Track has gotten Iraqi girl pregnant (Shiite): 12/1
    Track: Don’t ask, Don’t Tell: 5/1
    Trig really Bristol’s baby: 4/1
    Tripp really Sarah’s baby: 8/1

  73. Kathryn Jean Lopez approves:
    “Listening to her, it seems like this is a combination of stepping back and moving forward. Stepping back, because it’s way too overwhelming to be Sarah Palin, political phenom, Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska, and Sarah Palin, wife and mother. I don’t know that anyone can fulfill all those roles well, simultaneously. And we’re unrealistic, I think, when we assume people can or should.
    One reservation I’ve always had about Sarah Palin has to do with her family. If she is stepping down because of what politics has done to her family, because of something in her family life she doesn’t want to see as David Letterman fodder, because it’s impossible to be governor, a star, and a mom to an infant … this is good. It demonstrates good judgment and priorities.”

  74. from CNN:
    CNN Republican Strategist Mary Matalin said she thought the move was “really brilliant” on Palin’s part, though she admitted she was surprised when she first heard the news.

    “Her delivery was incredible, if you’re a less charismatic person, you probably couldn’t pull it off,” Matalin said. “[Now] she will be freed up and liberated the way Mitt Romney is to raise money and get political chips by spending it and getting political capital. And she is still raising the kinds of crowds and money she always did.”

    Now, Matalin says, Palin must focus on “putting up with the conventional wisdom” that this was a bad move and travel the country to drum up support for a presidential run.

    “She takes that target off her back with a good record to launch from,” Matalin said.

    Note to Mary:

  75. [re=354161]Cicada[/re]: Thank you for bringing that back up.

    Yes, America, we need more Trigs. So you out there with new babies, start dropping them on their heads. America is looking to you in our hour of need.

    [re=354165]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: Sorry, but it is nice. And, hell, I gave up Drudge for Lent, and have gone back only three times since (what a nice habit to break), and I’ve been there several times today. Although mostly for the article on how Obama plans to shoot down one of the Korea’s missiles with his laser eyes.

    And it is so weird to then switch over to MSNBC and hear Chuck Todd being so reasonable. It really makes you notice the buzz you have going.

  76. [re=354181]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I clearly need to liquor up and join the party. Stupid job with no days off for my country’s super duper birthday.

    They called it on MSNBC’s Hardball. That horrible noise was geese!

    Probably having their necks wrung, just behind her.

  77. [re=354078]Anita Cocktail[/re]: She said lame duck governors just travel around , isn’t that what she’s been doing ? AFter watching that, I’m going to need to inject heroin into the vein of my dick and lay low for a while.

  78. Now, Matalin says, Palin must focus on “putting up with the conventional wisdom” that this was a bad move and travel the country to drum up support for a presidential run.

    She should also see if she can learn to talk out of her vagina. Only 20% of what comes out of there is retarded.

  79. It won’t be easy
    You’ll think it strange
    When I try to explain how I feel
    That I still need your love
    After all that I’ve done
    You won’t believe me
    All you will see
    Is a girl you once knew
    Although she’s dressd up to the nines
    At sixes and sevens with you


    I had to let it happen
    I had to change
    Couldn’t stay all my life down at heel
    Looking out of the window
    Staying out of the sun
    So I chose freedom
    Running around trying everything new
    But nothing impressed me at all
    I never expected it too


    Don’t cry for me Wasilla
    The truth is I never left you
    All through my wild days
    My mad existence
    I kept my promise
    Don’t keep your distance


    And as for fortune and as for fame
    I never invited them in
    Though it seemed to the world
    They were all I desired
    They are illusions
    They’re not the solutions
    They promise to be
    The answer was here all the time
    I love you and hope you love me


    Don’t cry for me Wasilla


    Don’t cry for me Wasilla
    The truth is I never left you
    All through my wild days
    My mad existence
    I kept my promise
    Don’t keep your distance


    Have I said to much?
    There’s nothing more I can think of to say to you
    But all you have to do
    Is look at me to know
    That every word is true


  80. soon we will learn the true controversy, she’s a canuck, having bust forth from the virgin loins of her mamoose in that wicked soshuhlist province, the yukon terrortory.

  81. I read Karl Rove gets 75K a speech so I’m guessing Sarah can pull down 100K easy. She’ll be able to do at least 2 a week, squawking like an African Grey, and I bet she’ll sell Palin swag such as pics of Messiah Trig and kisses with Bristol.

    And NPR just called her statement today ‘rambling.’

  82. I just watched the whole awful gasp-y speech.

    As a long-time woman and ex-church-lady (same denomination as Palin), I say she’s looking and acting scared. Actually frightened and worried.

    This isn’t just about people making Trig the butt of jokes or rude Photoshop pics. *THAT* shit makes her cocky, self-righteous, right at home in a blizzard of manufactured outrage.

    Today, her usual cockiness is absent, despite her exaggerated folksy inflections. She sounds like she’s on the verge of tears.

    They (whoever they are) must *REALLY* have some shit on her, somewhere.

    Couldn’t happen to a nicer person.

    I don’t buy her “I can effect change better while I’m completely unemployed” charade at all.
    She might as well have fled in the middle of the night, owing money to her landlord and her dealer.

    If we ever find out what this is, it’s going to be rockin’.

  83. ALLAHU AKBAR! Thank you Jeebus! for giving us LaPalina’s resignation to rescue us from a Wonketteless weekend. But please dear Jeebus, please, don’t let it be a scandal, PLEASE. Don’t take the frightening SarahBot from us (sound of snuffling snot)as She has PWNED the Pale Pawlenty, SCREWED the Spindle-Ridden Mittens, and PISSED the Village Scribes and our joy is great thereof.

  84. Jesus

    I take one day off and look what happens, it’s the end of the world as we know it, or…

    lord save us, save us, for we have sinned, the beast from the north has broken its shackles and comes loping southwards to exact its bloody vengeance upon us, or…

    she fucked up big time and we will all soon find out how. Stay tuned!

  85. [re=354196]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Today, we are all–just gobsmacked by Wasilla Winky.

    If you say they wax eloquent at The Corner, I’ll believe the wax part.

  86. Why couldn’t the headline have read “Palin Commits Hari Kari”? Then I could have guiltlessly grilled hamburgers and hot dogs tomorrow instead of lamb chops and tofu.

  87. [re=354202]iolanthe[/re]: Crazy time! I was horryfied when I sat through the thing my ownself. My family came back from their outings and I presented it to them, but went to another room. Couldn’t hear Sarah’s words, to be exact, but I could hear her big sucking gasps between phrases. It was bizarre. But then, the woman is all-over-the-place-peculiar on camera.

  88. [re=354176]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: One other option:

    Tripp or one of the other 500 children is the spawn of the First Dude and the older daughter.

    Sorry, I made it a point to not know any of their names.

  89. [re=354201]chascates[/re]:
    I agree. She’s in it for the money. How much does the Governor of Alaska make a year?
    The answer is $81,654.00 a year.

  90. is back up but has nothing yet on our Lady of Lameduckness. But mnedtioned:

    VENTURA, Calif., July 3 (UPI) — Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin has been selected as winner of the 2009 Sitting Duck Award, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists announced Friday.

    The award is given annually to the person who provides the best material for columnists facing deadlines. Palin, who became a national political figure overnight last year when Sen. John McCain selected her as his running mate, beat out former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich.

  91. Hit that campaign trail hard Sarah! Quitting your job as Alaska’s governor is an excellent way to prove you have what it takes to govern the whole nation.

  92. I personally think she is going to join the army… or navy… or marines… not the air force though, she doesn’t have that bulge in the old flight suit like the shrub, or does she????

  93. [re=354205]slappypaddy[/re]: Yep. Her speech greatly resembles the one I made to my parents when I decided to sever my relationship with the University of California … after fucking up in class after class; I was supposed to be majoring in Computer Science, but I was minoring in endless quantities of nitrous oxide. Long story, but it meant I didn’t make it to class very often or do any of the reading or homework, with predictable results.

    My noble face-saving speech went something like, “I find school so constricting! And expensive! School isn’t where the real action is. I can learn much, much more just facing life on my own.”

    And then, 20 years later, one of my sons gave me the same speech. Slightly different reason. His drug of choice was World of Warcraft, but it had the same effect on his grades and college life.

    No, neither one of us ever made it back to college.

    Since we’re both weird little Aspy pedants, each of us finally made it on the strength of “degree or equivalent”, but it was a long hard slog.

    And I don’t think Sarah has a long hard slog in her.

    Probably long hard other things from time to time.
    But no slogs.

    She’s been up to something, mark my words.

  94. [re=354254]iolanthe[/re]: Correction: She’s been up to something, and someone can prove it. Abundantly. That’s my guess.

    Before I heard her gulping and rushing and stammering, I figured maybe she’d quit to become Queen of the White Christian Alaska Secessionist Rebel Alliance, but then she would have been all poised and coy and wink-y.

    Nope. This has the bitch *rattled*. She looks kind of like Bush looked when he was sitting in that classroom holding “My Pet Goat” and wondering WTF to do *now*. Bush’s style is to sit like a rabbit in tharn; Sarah’s style is to babble incoherently.

  95. I’ve been giggling like Chief Inspector Dreyfus (Herbert Lom) thinking Inspector Clouseau is dead since I first heard the “wonderful news!”

  96. Palin: Criminal Indictment “Pending,” Reports Alaska Law Enforcement Official
    ‘Update: This just in my inbox, from a source connected sometimes to CNN:
    “Here’s a quote I got from law enforcement here in Alaska yesterday afternoon regarding Palin “a criminal indictment is pending authorization.”‘

  97. [re=354090]Anita Cocktail[/re]: –Yes, she takes political advice from a nine-year-old and a retarded infant. It shows.–

    Which one ghost-wrote that “speech”?

  98. Maybe she’s going to look for the ‘real killers!’

    And the two teens to her right didn’t look like either Willow or Bristol.

  99. What better way to show leadership before a divided party than to resign all emo over late night comedians and asshole blog commenters like us.

  100. Notice how she kept scanning the skyline? All nervous-like? Like you’d be if there were choppers full of wolves comin’ for ya?

    Run, Snowbilly, Run.

  101. “I was sittin’ there in the gov’s chair, y’know, and by jiminy, it came to me: John McCain and I had lost the election! Not only did we lose, but it was a huge defeat signaling a mandate for change and the end of the conservative movement’s predominance! I was upset at first that nobody had bothered to tell me this, but I immediately knew, with my executive experience, y’know, what I was gonna do about it: quit, you betcha. So we rounded up the family and eight strangers and called it press conference, and I got the heck outta there, dontcha know.”

    Why did Louise Erdrich insist on making up that character?

  102. So at the end of the day, what did we learn folks? We learned that “politics as unusual” in teh Governor’s terms means that when the going gets rough, she’ll back down. And when she’s sitting there across from ‘Ach-ma-dee-na-jad’ she’ll put her tail between her legs and think about what’s good for the people of Alaska (i.e., the Palin family) instead of what is in the interest of the governed. Or… ‘FAIL’. One of the two…

  103. Fuck this quitter. I live in Nevada, where just because you’re totally uninterested in governing (80 crapzillion text messages to his mistress, assaulting a cocktail waitress, acrimonious divorce, never showing up at the Legislature, never even showing up at the office, going missing though less spectacularly than Sanford, etc. etc.) doesn’t mean you JUST GIVE UP being the Governor. Take some pride in your work, lady.

  104. [re=354254]iolanthe[/re]: I was supposed to be majoring in Computer Science, but I was minoring in endless quantities of nitrous oxide.

    Should have just told the folks you’re interested in dental school instead or computers.

  105. This is so sweet I’m almost questioning my atheism.

    This is what a large flock of anthrax-infected chickens coming home to roost looks like. Whatever it is, it’s uglier than a blindfolded knife-fight … she’s on the verge of a breakdown & nakedly terrified. Methinks one of the many people she ruthlessly fucked over on her way up is getting some delicious paybacks, & there’s not a damn thing she can do but make one last stupid speech & see if she can get out with her ass still attached.

    What goes around comes around, you betcha!

  106. DustBowlBlues: I’ve been saying, since I learned this, that Sarah wants to cash out. She could get a lot of $$$ on the lecture circuit, and no pesky questions if she feels like she wishes to support herself in the style to which the campaign accustomed her. Presidential runs are expensive, but she has also gotten used to others financing her lifestyle (clothes, house, kids’ travel, etc.) and she can’t keep doing that as Gov.

    Keep in mind that Sarah’s spiritual advisor is part of the group who worshipped the golden bull down on Wall Street around the election, and they make the regular-issue Prosperity Gospel heretics look sane. IOW, fleecing unbelievers out of their money is all part of God’s Plan for the True Believers.

    Did she really give a shout-out to the internet hate machine in the speech? Major props to CelticDiva and AKMuckraker, then – who really seem like very nice ladies to people who *aren’t* snowbilly grifters.

    OTOH, maybe there is a sex tape around somewhere.

  107. [re=354232]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Mon Dieu! $85,654.00 a year? With Alaskan prices for groceries? That’s paltry. But, as the Governator, she has massive access to the media, plus all sorts of perks and expense accounts. So her quitting really is mysterious. Could it be the effect of the Midnight Sun? I certainly have seen it make a lot of folks much better educated than her do wacky things back in old Sankt Petersburg…

  108. Noted in the Mat-Su Frontiersman Police Blotter:

    “A distraught blogger called and said his governor had run away. Trooper Wooten was dispatched to investigate”.

  109. so, being a lame fuck, I mean duck, she can’t govern?? bullshit, I say! If you decide that you AREN’T running for re-election, you can ram shit down your enemy’s throats and take stands and claim the moral high ground, stating you are pushing bills for the good of the people, not political expediency!

  110. I watched the press conference an hour ago with a brainful of Jamaican Red and a liverful of beer and vodka.

    It was quite possibly the strangest thing, EVAR. Like she had just swallowed a handful of Screamers, Uppers, and Downers three hours into an LSD binge and she wasn’t quite sure where she was gonna land.

    She was hyperventilating so much during the presser that I first thought I was watching a porn film, then I realized it was just Caribou Barbie.


  111. Good gawd, y’all! I’ve watched the video twice and WOW. Aren’t there people paid to keep her under control?! Clearly the unfortunate combination of midnight sun, cheap speed, and miniscule intellect has taken a heavy toll on Bible Spice. She looks very nervous and sounds more insane than ever.
    Bravo! Encore!

  112. “The world needs more Trigs” — isn’t that like Glenn Beck and Michael Schueur saying that the only thing that can save America is a massive terrorist attack? Good lord, she’s found a way to squeeze out all Down syndrome babies from now on.

  113. Someone asked if there is a transcript online. Paul Begala has a HI-larious piece on just how much funnier the text of this speech is than the oral presentation. I don’t know, each is a comic gem of its own.

    And yeah, I think there are dolphins in the background. Just another WTF element among so many.

  114. You guys are funnier than shit. I feel proud for once to be part of internet subculture after reading comments on this site. I don’t even have anything to add to this. I concur with you all. And as far as this being some ploy to disguise ulterior motives with a presumed bid for the POTUS – I find that highly offensive and hopefully impossible.

    Now, it’s been 6 years since I took AP US Government and so I don’t recall any special circumstances regarding rage-quitting the executive office of a State but it stands to reason, as far as normal Americans and people with common sense are concerned (Mostly people with common sense, normal unfortunately refers to the majority of America which is in fact retarded conservative batshit insane people at this point in time. All of those or one of those may be used, it’s multiple choice.) when you quit a job, you’re pretty blacklisted from ever going back to that company unless your family calls you while they’re getting lit on fire and shot in the arms and you tell your boss “I can’t stay here my family is being killed” , in which case MAYBE one corporation in America will understand. Thus I see no feasible way in which she can ever return to politics. It may not be a stipulation on the presidency or any other federal position but it damn well needs to be. If you quit being governor 17 months before your term is up you should be indefinitely redflagged for running for any office whatsoever, ESPECIALLY the presidency.

  115. Wait. “Four yeses and one hell yeah.” She has five kids, right? So did the baby say “Yes” or “Hell yeah”?

    Just wondering.

  116. Her sentence structures are reminiscent of the garbled translations I used to come up with in Spanish 302 when we were studying Castilian narrative poetry.

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