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By the Comics Curmudgeon

What basic human impulse motivates the men and women who stride the corridors of power in our nation’s capital? Is it a desire to advance the interests of their nation? An urge to mold the government to reflect their political ideology? Do they wish to help their fellow citizens? Is it mere lust for power? Ha ha, obviously none of these are the real reason; rather politicians seek to attain and to hold elected office on the federal level because of the insatiable tingling of their naughty parts, because Washington, D.C., is a great big fuckfest for gross, nasty people who would otherwise spend their time masturbating morosely. Cartoons will show you this, though you’ll wish that they hadn’t.

Click the cartoons to make them bigger, and more distasteful!

All sorts of explanations have been floated for Arlen Specter’s sudden departure from the Republican party, from the ideological (he didn’t feel like there was room for his brand of centrism anymore) to the tactical (he was afraid he’d lose to a right-wing opponent in the primary) to the psychological (he’s just kind of a dick, who likes to fuck with people). None of these are correct, obviously; no, the real reason is that the Democrats seduced him with a sexy donkey. Yes, what septuagenarian can resist a hot, hot donkey with big tits? In fact, this is the reason why Lieberman hasn’t abandoned the Democratic caucus completely; his instincts tell him to go, but he just can’t get enough of the donkey-fucking.

But not everyone in D.C. likes doing it “donkey style.” When Supreme Court Justice David Souter announced his retirement last week, the newspapers trotted out the canned bios that mentioned his longtime bachelor status. And yet few people knew that he had been carrying on a long and torrid affair with the Law. Yes, when he was supposedly in his chambers, eating his simple yogurt lunch, he was really sneaking off to local sleazy hotels to get it on with Lady Justice herself. He liked it when she wore her blindfold … hott. They never made their love public, because the question of whether a man and an abstract concept have a constitutional right to marry never made it to the bench during his term. But now that he’s leaving, she’s giving it all up to go back to New Hampshire with him and live in his drafty, termite-ridden shack.

And yet some people in Washington aren’t getting any, believe it or not. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t trying! In order to get laid in D.C., you’ve got to be willing to tart yourself up a little bit, and that’s where sexy outfits like this one come into play. That’s right, it’s a pink slip, cut generously for that full figure so many power brokers seem to like. The question is, who is going to be putting this little number on before a hot evening out? Will it be the “UAW,” the once-lusted-after union that now wants nothing more than to rekindle its lost pride? Or is it “U.S. Auto Bankruptcies,” which seem unlikely to need lingerie as they’re already fucking everyone? For the first time in history, labels have made a political cartoon more irritating and difficult to understand!

Still, there’s no doubting who the real belle of the ball is in our nation’s capital: it’s Barack Obama. Everyone wants a piece of him, and by “wants a piece of,” I mean “wants to have sexy sex with.” And good lord he knows it! That’s why you gotta work if you expect to get anywhere with him. For instance, say he agrees to go on a romantic camping trip with you. You imagine lying in your sleeping bags next to each other, under the stars … it’ll be so beautiful that you just know he’ll give it up. But since you’re the pursuer and Barry’s the pursuee, you’ll be lugging all that heavy camping gear while he just carries a box for his pretty hat. It’ll all be worth it, though, when you reach the top of the mountain and then totally get to third base.

America’s capital is such a nonstop orgy that other countries want in on the action too! The Iranians are the most insatiable of the foreigns, and their strict control over their own women’s sexuality just means that they have to import domineering sex goddesses from our government. Whether it’s Condi Rice with a giant spiky club or Hillary Clinton with some kind of enormous carrot-thing, the mullahs can’t get enough of that good old-fashioned American discipline. They’re all like “Yeah, we’re enriching uranium! We’ll wipe Israel off the map, or from the book of time, or whatever! Beat us! Tell us we’re bad! Criticize our human rights record!”

Of course, the actual U.S. Secretary of State is far too classy for this kind of behavior; as you can see here, they hire drag-queen Condi and Hillary impersonators instead.

After he got back from his sexy camping trip, Barack Obama indulged in one of his favorite pastimes: he dressed up as a Catholic priest and molested a couple of cars.

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46 COMMENTS

  1. As long as this fucking is done in a chaste and biblically appropriate manner in the confines of man-woman marriage for the purpose of procreation.

  2. Also, at first I was not too pleased to see Hils and Condi depicted as caveperson-type-beings we have our pride). But since it looks like Hillary is about to smash in Condi’s brain with an enormous root vegetable, I okay with it.

  3. Can anybody figure out what point the author of the Souter cartoon was trying to Make? Actually, that applies to most of these – even more obtuse than the usual.

  4. That Barstow cartoon wins the Nobel Prize for Cartoon Suckitude. It is the H1N1 of comics, combining the most virulent elements of pigshit and birdhsit into a harmful pathogen and planted in a vector aimed at the very heart of our society. Does the WHO kow about this thing yet? Please do not have a D. Barstow cartoon party, as exposure does not confer immunity, just shock, confusion and disappointment.

  5. Oops, Hillary evolved from a short, black cavewoman.

    C’mon, let’s see some real cartooning. Two American women, high stakes, and the “fertile crescent” and that’s the best you can do?

  6. Ooooh, goody. D. Barstow! D. Barstow recently discovered the Internet, and has spent the past couple of months running around demanding that bloggers a.) stop calling her a racist and b.) link to her cartoons. Amusingly, she is doing this on the same sites, which indicates a truly unique form of cluelessness and egomania. “Where did you learn how to blog?” she shrieks in various comment sections.

    I mention this because the crazy racist lady is currently using our Wonkette as a promotional tool. “Wonkette calls me a ‘lunatic genius.’ That’s pretty good, right?” http://thecartoons.net/about/

    She does not provide the link, which adds the rather essential context of how we all think her cartoons suck. Hey D. Barstow, WHERE DID YOU LEARN HOW TO BLOG?

  7. Ah, Mike Ramirez. Always with the girly-man signifers. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find the word “faggots” encrypted somwhere in the pink slip’s decolletage. Jebus, man, just come out the closet, eat a bag of dicks, and be done with it already.

  8. [re=311820]SayItWithWookies[/re]:

    D. Barstow translation:

    “That Barstow cartoon wins the Nobel Prize … Please … have a D. Barstow cartoon party ..! Well, they should know, right?”

  9. [re=311820]SayItWithWookies[/re]: You have to give D Barstow credit, at least she didn’t waste her time learning to draw, since the ideas are so sucky it would be a shame to throw away beautiful drawings on such crappy ideas.

  10. [re=311820]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Fuck, I thought it was signed ‘Barstool’ – as in that’s where the drunken retard was sitting who drew this piece of a shit on a coaster.

  11. Why does Barstow bother to copywrite his work? Is he afraid that he’s going to pick up a copy of the New Yorker and find that George Booth has stolen one of his ideas?

  12. once again you libs exhibit your ignorance before god the whole world and everybody… it is well known that cartoonery is ART and as such cannot be held to objective standards (just like “truth”). ART is subjective therefore if i like it it’s “good”. re: Barstow, you try making a picture holding the pen in you mouth as you speak from your rectum; not as easy as it looks is it?

  13. Washington, D.C., is a great big fuckfest for gross, nasty people who would otherwise spend their time masturbating morosely

    Wonkette commenters?

  14. I would say that this D Barstow draws like a retard, except that they once showed a retard on the discovery channel who had more talent than that.

  15. [re=311868]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: don’t know about you but morose is my emotion before and after masturbating…

  16. I get it, it was the lazy ass auto workers that drove the auto makers into the ditch. In 1999 GM had 16.2 billion in cash, securities and assets. So, was it Clinton’s oppressive taxes or the unions one man- one heated toilet seat demand that pushed them over the edge? Ramirez must have a Heritage fellowship.

  17. [re=311834]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: What’s even more gross about Ramirez’s cartoon-crippled sexuality is that the “U.S. Auto Bankruptcies” ‘label’ is actually a stain… yes, dear reader, a STAIN… the stain of hot, gooey, sticky 40-weight sex-grease violently splattered – nay – EJACULATED!!! by big TOUGH rough manly Auto-workers all over Mike’s pretty little pink dress with the frilly laces and oh-so-cute! pink bows…

    …and if anyone other than Ramirez FAPs to that, then you’re a sicko-perv creep, also. Also.

  18. [re=311833]Tra[/re]: She’s kinda hot. I’d hit it. But I’ve been saying that about Meghan McCain, too, so what does that make me?

  19. [re=311800]Judas Peckerwood[/re]: No doubt, that last one look liked an seventh grader drew it. Shoot I knew a guy in seventh grade who could draw better than that.

  20. Condi is a dead ringer for the trolls in Finnish mythology in that picture. I’m more hot on the elephant in the housedress, however.

  21. The inspiring story of Donna Barstow: a political-type cartoonier who’s onwy five-yeaws-owwwd…

    And, at least as You, the America There are painfully scaling a sheer cliff wall with all of your baggage that has been mysteriously transferred to You, at least you have a poignant li’l lantern to light Your way…

  22. [re=311868]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]:

    Nah. I for example, am so hideous that I turn down my own offer of masturbation.

  23. What’s up with the red rectangles in the last cartoon? Blood-bank packets? Raspberry push-ups? Given the draftsman ship, maybe they’re supposed to be fetuses?

  24. Hillary needs to give some carrots to the Lebanese. They seem to be under the impression she has a lot of zits under her botox.

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