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'Dear shit-fer-brains ...'From: Cindy ___
To: tips@wonkette.com
Date: Wed, Apr 15, 2009 at 5:32 PM
Subject: Neither Democrat or Republican – they both suck!

I am almost old enough to vote and have a lot of questions about what’s going on with the government. Republican, Democrat, right, left, what does it all mean? What does each party stand for? When I came to this site I stopped to see what it was about. I found nothing but anger, hate and vulgarity. If this is liberal, NO THANKS! At least the people at the tea parties are trying to make a costructive statement. Lighten up.

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1 COMMENT

  1. I’m sorry little girl. When I said I wanted to “hate fuck” Dana Perino, I meant it to be “fun” vulgar, not “bad” vulgar like what your mom says about the dirty jews.

  2. Itsjustme: How Carlin of you! Bravo, bravo!

    My sister essentially made the same argument that child just did, except in a longer and less coherent email. She of course framed the entire email on information from FauxNews.

  3. Hey Kid–going to political blogs for information on political theory is like going to a biker bar for information about sex. Smarten up! Stop wasting your time on this. Study hard, get good grades, and go to a decent college. Otherwise you’ll end up at a teabagging event, and, years later, toothless, living in a trailer, with a deep hatred for taxes (which you will never pay, being unemployed) and the coloreds. In other words, a Republican.

  4. Cindy, Cindy, Cindy. Only after your soul has been seared in the forge, simmered in the cauldron of nihilist despair, when you’ve become deafened to the weeping and wailing and the gnashing of teeth, only then will you be able to embrace the warm and wanton embrace of true liberal fulfillment. Only then. Also.

  5. Since fuckers always e-mail to complain about grammar…. try this one on:
    costructive
    costructive
    costructive
    costructive
    costructive
    costructive
    costructive
    costructive
    costructive
    costructive
    costructive

    If that woman wants to bitch about that kind of BS, she should start her own goddamn blog and stop bothering everyone else.

    costructive
    costructive
    Also.

  6. Yeah, lighten up! I was just minding my own business cruising for internet porn (tea bagging and all other tea-related activities) when I was shocked, shocked by all the hate. Ken, you are a shallow monster, stop the hate and spread the tea bag love.

  7. [re=290749]P Drizzle[/re]: Ya mean fat old white guy in his shit and cum stained tighty-whities typing on his beer and mountain dew stained sofa.

    Too fat to make it out to a Tea Party.

  8. To be fair, it is every American’s right to protest what they see as unfair policy. And it’s possible that the people protesting at these teabagging rallies really do feel the pain of the ultra rich, who are being viciously hit with a small tax increase. I just can’t help but shake the feeling that what these people are REALLY protesting is the fact that a black man is running their country.

  9. Cindy, darling, come here. Come closer, sit on Uncle’s lap. Let me tell you a story. Wonketties are neither Repubs or Demos, neither right nor left. We stand for everything except what we won’t stand for (it’s all listed in the user’s manual), and stop at nothing short of spewing our angry, vulgar hate at the merest drop of the scantest cap. Why? Because, Cindy, my love, WE ARE THE SPAWN OF LUCIFER HIMSELF. AND WE ARE COMING TO YOUR TOWN. RIGHT NOW. We have something costructive to discuss with you. Would you care for a cup of tea? It’s rain-brewed, the richest kind. You can’t really be almost old enough to vote now, can you? You seem scarce a day over twelve.

  10. [re=290773]ChernobylSoup[/re]: I’ll give you a little hint: She’s not old enough to vote. She’s already decided she hates both Republicans and Democrats. She’s surfing the net to learn more about how government works. She does not like teh obscenity. If this chick is hot it’s because she’s sitting too close to the baseboard heater in her Jonas Brothers wallpapered bedroom.

  11. Republican, Democrat, right, left, what does it all mean? When I came to this site I stopped to see what it was about.

    Most teenagers landing on this site were googling “tea bags” for entirely different reasons.

  12. [re=290787]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I’m guessing that’s what motivated most of them to drag their flabby carcasses to these rallies.

  13. “I found nothing but anger, hate and vulgarity.” I hate to tell Cindy but wait til she goes to redstate.com or little green footballs or to politico’s comments section. Wonkette is the Mother Teresa version of ‘anger, hate & vulgarity’.

  14. Old enough to vote for what? AARP Officer Elections? Seriously, wingnutter, don’t write shit ass messages pretending to be a child when odds are, you’re 55 years old and the only thing child-related in your life are the Google searches for kiddy/barely legal porn you do in the interwebs. Fact.

  15. Dear Cindy,
    Please get your useless, drug addicted, skinny white ass back in the kitchen and make WALNUTS! another shredded pork sandwich, bitch. Hold the Budweiser, tho’, it’s complete fucking swill.

  16. Dear Cindy ______:
    Do yourself a favor and do a google image search for “teabag”, then please write back and let us know what you have learned.

    Love and kisses,
    The Station Manager

  17. [re=290808]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Yeah, soft core porn for geeks. The kind who think calling a woman “milady” is the height of seduction.

  18. “Lighten up.”

    You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me, Cindy? You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin’ to? You talkin’ to me? Well I’m the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?

  19. [re=290820]DagNabbit[/re]: [re=290821]Giant Robot[/re]: [re=290822]WendyK[/re]: Hee! Those three comments in a row are just so very, very perfect.

  20. Guys, leave Mrs. McCain alone — she’s had a hard year, and if she needs to blow off some steam in a letter, I say more power to her.

  21. I think these teabagging Bozos have been instructed to freep the liberal blogs. They are everywhere today: Kos, Salon, HuffPo, and now here. Why don’t they just stay in their echo chambers?

  22. [re=290749]P Drizzle[/re]: What you said. But for the record my twelve-year-old self was all about confronting my representatives in the public square and sending angry book reviews to Thomas Friedman.

    I also spent many a lonely, semi-erect night wondering “What is this buttsecks of which so many speak?”

  23. [re=290787]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Not only a black man but a Muslim who went to a church with an America-hating pastor, who is a socialist/fascist/communist, who hates the military but loves the gays, who hates babies but loves himself, who probably isn’t even qualified to be president, and whose middle name is Hussein.

  24. Eh, I don’t think of myself as cynical, angry, or hateful by any means (but I am vulgar — you got a fucking problem with it, dicknose?) but in all seriousness the past 8 years + all the appalling shit that happened during the last election + the terrifying ignorance of people like Rick Perry and these teabag folks — well, a girl has to find a patch of sanity somewhere, right? And all the better if that patch also happens to be filled with jokes about balls and boobies.

    And anyway, Wonkette broke the “Sarah Palin is hot but crazy” story like a year before anyone had ever heard of her, so have some fucking respect for fucking journalism, Cindy.

  25. When you sprout some fun bags, then we can talk.

    But in the meantime, quit listening to daddy because he’s an ignorant fuck who probably makes less than 250K/year. And please, please, please have protected sex. The US is already chock full of retards already.

  26. I realize Cindy was sucking her mamas dick at the time, but where were the rest of these teabagging fucktards during the last 8 years?? Oh wait, Bush is a white fellow. That’s right.

  27. [re=290841]IBentMyWookie[/re]: It’s good she has a hobby, since she got knocked up and dropped out of high school, but I think she could have chosen a better screen name. “Bareback_in_AK” for example, or “Mommys_Political_Liability”

  28. Cindy,
    You apparently haven’t visited the internet’s wide, wide, world of porn yet. Please go indulge yourself, then report back to us.

  29. Ah, youth. In my day, it was rare to find someone under 18 who would teabag.

    And, Cindy, dear, there is no anger at the teabaggings? All those impeach Obama signs are there for what reason other than anger? Or are they just there because Obama is black? Which is it Cindy!

  30. If she’s almost old enough to vote that makes her a minor… so why is she talking about the “costructive” teabagging? Unless she lives in a southern state, isn’t that statutory and illegal?

  31. Don’t make it any more complicated than it needs to be, Cindy Lou — it’s really very simple. The Republicans love Freedom, America, The American Entrepreneurial Spirit, and believe in rewarding the people who create jobs by cutting their taxes. Democrats, on the other hand, love Failure, Coddling Terrorists, and Punishing Success.

    And while some decent, hard-working folks can’t decide which party’s values best represent America and spread the ideals of Freedom, Skynyrd and the smell of a freshly-cut lawn across the oceans to the lesser, browner people as God instructed us in the Constitution, that’s usually because they were beaten as children and are playing out their revenge fantasies by confiscating businesses that drive this great ship we call The Economy. Because they are little tiny children who are crying inside and who will never do anything right like our older brother who plays first chair trumpet and lettered in football and track and dates a cheerleader.

    So they want to destroy everything good about ambition and hard work and practicing your scales over and over again. By loaning them enough money, seemingly without any strings attached, to save their asses before imposing some regulatory structure so they don’t ever lose everybody’s money again. And that’s fascist because…um…well anway I told you not to think about it too hard. God bless America!

  32. >>I found nothing but anger, hate and vulgarity.

    This is not anger and hate. Vulgarity, well yeah welcome to the internet.

    If you want anger and hate, go to Red State, Free Republic, and Politico and marvel that one of these people hasn’t tried to plug Barry yet.

    *knocks on fake wood*

  33. Cindy, conservatives and republicans want to bomb people, oppress minorities and take your money. They also want you to be a sex slave for King Rush and Prince Hannity…

    Democrats, progressives and liberals, on the other hand… just want to skip through sunshiny meadows and make happy music and sigh contentedly while engaging in delicious orgies.

  34. Aww, don’t you love the wittle trolls? So annoying as grown ups, but so cuuuute when they’re young.

    I hope her parents have explained teabagging to her, or she’ll have to learn it on the street, from Paultards, also.

  35. Subject: Neither Democrat or Republican – they both suck!

    Au contraire, Cindy Lou Who. It’s the closeted Republicans who are doing all the sucking.

  36. Hey Guys, It’s not Cindy McCain! There are no “at the end of the day”s sprinkled through her prose like dandruff on a piece of chocolate cake.

    This kid’s smarter–just very naive.

  37. Dear Cindy,
    You are not a real teenager. Real teenagers like things that are angry, hateful and vulgar.

    And the fact that you are not a real teenager makes this email so very, very sad.

    In conclusion, stop using all my tax dollars for your education, the roads you drive on, the military that protects you, the sanitation that keeps your water clean, the libraries you don’t use, and a thousand other things you take for granted because you are a spoiled rich white person.

    Kthxbai!

    [re=290841]IBentMyWookie[/re]: Sadly, there would have been even more spelling mistakes if this were Bristol Palin’s letter. Also.

  38. Yeah, Wonkette, lighten up. Why you gotta take everything so seriously, Wonkette? You’re bringing everybody down.

    Also what’s up with “when I came to this site I stopped to see what it was about”? Why does every supposedly unbiased critic have to act like they’re here by accident? Do concern trolls have some kind of alternative browser that just scrolls the whole internet in front of them, page by page, like sushi on a conveyor belt?

  39. Yes, Cindy, there is a Ken Layne. He exists as certainly as snark and humor and teabagging exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest purpose and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Ken Layne. It would be as dreary as if there were no Cindys. There would be no childlike idiocy then, no saucy stupidity, no infantile worldliness to make fun of mercilessly in this existence. We should have no clear buffoon, except in politicians. The wiseass idiocy with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

  40. I’m sorry, what? What? Cindy, I can’t hear a word you’re saying. Remember to speak through the breathing tube leading to your casket.

    No, Mommy and Daddy are NOT coming to rescue you, and they didn’t call the police. They assumed you ran away with that retard Williams boy for lots and lots of unmarital hate sex. Little do they know I have him in the coffin right next to yours.

    Yes, Cindy, tap on the coffin wall and Billy will tap back.

    Now you might want to step away from the breathing tube because the battery acid is on its way down.

  41. golly cindy!!! let me be the first to apologize if you’ve been offended. gosh! sometimes my pals here on the site get to joshin around and the language turns a little salty,but they really don’t mean any harm .i’m pleased that you’re interested in our government (even if you’re getting a late start) and suggest that you arrange to meet with your clergyman for guidance. if you choose to do so you should tell a friend where you’re going and when to expect you to return as you may be beaten ,raped,tortured, skinned,boiled,fucked,and eaten, then regurgitated and beaten with a mallet so that your remains splash all over the walls. be sure to leave a copy of you dental records and be very very afraid. all the best!

  42. Yeah, Wonkette. Lighten up!

    And all the women I know named ‘Cindy’ are in their 40’s. Are you sure you’re not an Ashley or a Brittany or lying?

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