Stimulating!Hey Obamatards, how were your stimulus parties on Saturday night? Did you totally exhaust your six-month supply of cocaine and waste your overdue rent money on lap dances? Were any cars flipped over or burned? How many times did the police have to knock on your door before you were arrested? If you answered “No,” “None,” and “Zero,” then congratulations, you failed to revive the American economy like Barack Obama asked you to, and the Depression is totally your fault.

Barack Obama exhorted his millions of zombie followers to throw house parties and talk about the economy on Saturday night, and some people actually did this completely dorkwaddy and depressing thing! They stood around their kitchens and talked about how nobody has any money, so maybe they should donate more old sweaters to charity.

Veritable dozens of liberals were soothed and cheered to have a few hours where they could quietly eat Trader Joe’s cheese puffs and discuss the genius of Paul Krugman without being mocked. Then they went home, dizzy on sparkling cider and ready for bed, because it was 8 o’clock on a Saturday.

If you were one of those losers, please email and give us all the details of your tragic little get-together. We might post them later, if we have not died of sadness.

Weekend ‘stimulus parties’ bring out Obama faithful across the nation [San Jose Mercury News]

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  1. Did you totally exhaust your six-month supply of cocaine and waste your overdue rent money on lap dances?

    Weirdly enough, yes, I did actually spend far too much money on lap dances this weekend. I went to Rick’s Cabaret in NYC intending only to try their famed crab cake sandwich (the food is actually really good, and the $10 prix-fixe menu is a good deal). But how can you refuse when a petite Ukrainian blonde comes to you and offers to dance naked on your lap?

    No cocaine, though, unfortunately – we are in a recession you know, and we financial industry people are having to tighten some budgets.

  2. If you think “stimulus vote weekend” was awesome, just wait ’till I get my stimulus check! I’m totally blowing the kitty on South African Krugerrands that I’ll be burying in a little lock box my back yard.

  3. Is that another one of Spencer Tunick’s failbot “nude art” photographs? Cuz he suxx.

    Anyway, the cops DID knock on my door this weekend. But that was only because a neighbor downstairs passed away and Mr. Policeman was looking for the super. Bum.mer.

  4. I was stimulated all right – thanks to a fifth of Jack and a new Blu-Ray player. Just doing my part to keep Sony and booze manufacturers in business.

  5. I think I might have eaten something from Trader Joe’s and then gone to bed at 8PM, though. But I probably ate several bottles of wine, starting at noon.

  6. No, I was too busy stimulating the economy to have a party. I already pay the rent for at least one local bar, keep my favorite artist in antidepressants and support a large and diverse agricultural industry which shall remain nameless. Why I’m not the frickin’ Secretary of the Treasury is beyond me.

  7. Stimulus, schmimulus. Here’s the important news. Reports are coming out that Tennessee Republicans have removed House Speaker Kent Williams from the GOP roster, which means that he’s now unaffiliated/independent, and the Republicans no longer hold the majority in the Tennessee House of Representatives. It’s now split 49-49-1.


  8. “WASHINGTON (CNN) — Leading Republicans warned Sunday that the Obama administration’s $800 billion-plus economic stimulus effort will lead to what one called a “financial disaster.”
    The country will “pay dearly” if it executes the president’s stimulus plans, Sen. Richard Shelby says.

    “Everybody on the street in America understands that,” said Sen. Richard Shelby, the ranking Republican on the Senate Banking Committee. “This is not the right road to go. We’ll pay dearly.”

    OHNOES, Richard Shelby is right for once! Everybody who is currently living on the street knows that Republicans will not have nearly as many tax cuts, and will thus “pay dearly,” if the Obama stimulus package goes through!

  9. I stimulated the depressed economy of upstate NY by spending a ridiculous (for me) amount of money skiing, eating, and sleeping in the Catskills this weekend. Anybody know why the people who work at ski resorts are all from other countries? I mean, I can see the appeal of having girls from Brazil selling you your lift tickets, but aren’t there any Real Americans (TM) who could use those jobs?

  10. [re=238963]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I forgot to pay my personal property tax on my car this past year, so that should count for something. Although that’s only $30. About a thousand more of those and I’ll actually be somebody.

  11. Does accidently getting drunk on fermented orange juice and making kraft dinner count? Because if so, I need to leave out the oj for a couple days.

  12. I spent the weekend ravaged by strep throat with an unremitting pounding in my head. Shivering, catatonic, wishing for death.

    So in my case it was more like a Weekend With Lindsay Graham.

  13. SKS: I love how all of your ‘loser’ posts eventually link to the Merc. Because everyone knows all the nerds in the country live in San Jose.

    It’s true.

  14. I found one couple a place to get married, and another couple wedding invitations, and then sent friends to Disneyland, so I win. Economy crisis solved.

  15. [re=238970]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Not Financial Disaster! That would be terrible–we should stick with what have been doing which has been so successful.

  16. I actually did go to a party around the corner, but had to leave early. The whole hairy underarm thing just doesn’t work for me. Perhaps we should include free razors in the bailout package. It would certainly stimulate my package.

  17. “Those who enjoy Austen without reverence will certainly enjoy Aston’s work, as will historical fiction readers who want an engaging plot and characters regardless of previous literary incarnations. -Library Journal”

    Without reverence? Oh you mean lifting another author’s characters and ideas wholesale, and forming a career out of doing so is a good thing which will entertain me? Thanks for the head’s up. I otherwise might have been inclined to consider the “6th Darcy Novel” an offensive grave-robbing piece of shit. Looks like it’s time for me to start pitching my latest project “Hedda Gobbler Pulls a Train.” I assure you I have taken NO regard of previous literary incarnations. Should be a SLJ winner! Suck it Ibsen!

  18. Hey, I actually stimulated the economy this weekend! I bought a (used) motor for my Chevelle project car. Big cam, 2.02 Camel hump heads, roller rockers, the works. A pretty damn hot motor for $600, and the guy even delivered it for me. And it’s totally frivolous expenditure, since it’s for a car that’s hardly ever going to be driven, plus now I gotta buy another 7 or $800 worth of headers, carb, distributor and whatnot to make it complete. But the best part of this transaction is it allows the the guy I bought it from to get a brand new $5000 American-made 383 stroker for his Chevelle project that will hardly ever get driven.

    So between the two of us, that’s the equivalent of, like, 8 big flat-screens.

    We Chevy guys are going to save America.

  19. [re=238950]Serolf Divad[/re]: You don’t quite get the idea do you, Mr Sarcastic Man? You’re supposed to use your stimulus check as down payment on a Pontiac Vibe.

    I had dinner Saturday night with an Italian opera singer (basso, straight), two doctors and their wives, my girlfriend and her daughter, and some other folks I can’t remember. The wines were Brunello and Montalcino (fabulous), and the entree was some swordfish I cooked on the grill. Ferrucio spun great yarns about having to sing love songs to old fat sopranos as if they were young beauties.

    Will that help?

  20. Saturday night I went out with friends. We treated ourselves to tapas and cava before kicking back pitchers of Miller Light at the bowling alley with the rest of po’ folk. It led to a wonderful discussion about how nice it is to be able to do both, unlike the poors in the bowling alley that had spam and cardboard for dinner. We then patted ourselves on the back, for stimulating tapas restaurants and bowling alleys in one night.

    Does that count?

  21. [re=238950]Serolf Divad[/re]: Oh my gosh. You have a LOCK BOX? A souvenir from the Gore / He-whose-name-is-rarely-mentioned-anymore campaign? And your going to keep those funds in it? Like, wow.

  22. By the way, that’s a picture of a Stimulus Party we had up here in Vermont. That’s snow they’re rolling in and the shiny stuff on their backs is ice.

    A lap dance would darn near kill you.

  23. [re=239101]oldguy[/re]: Stop whingeing about snow. You could try my little corner of the American empire (the great Australian state of Victoria) where it was 46.4 (117 fahrenheit)on Saturday. You might have found the blazing infernos a bit distracting though.

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