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MUST DINE ON MORE CORPSES OF ILLEGALSHa ha, it’s funny because the mutant overlord Michael Chertoff is the Secretary of Homeland Security, which includes Immigration and Customs Enforcement, and unbeknownst to him some ILLEGAL ALIENS snuck in and cleaned his house! Have you ever heard of such an outrageous thing in your life, that illegal immigrants might work for large housecleaning services?

Once upon a time Michael Chertoff, like all rich people, used a maid service. This maid service must have had a good reputation because all sorts of richy Washington pols, including the Clintons and Madeleine Albright, used them at one time or another. But Consistent Cleaning Services failed to notice that some of its workers were terrible aliens without the proper documentation.

Consistent Cleaning Services has been fined $22,880 for failing to ask for ID or fill out I-9 forms for some of its employees.

The moral of the story is, everybody should just clean their own goddamn house and then illegal immigration would immediately stop, everywhere. Also, Michael Chertoff is a scary demon who eats Mexicans for brunch.

Cleaning Firm Used Illegal Workers at Chertoff Home [Washington Post]

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  • magic titty

    I was wondering what happened to Gareth from The Office.

  • Doglessliberal

    The scariest thing about that photo is that I could believe you did no photoshopping.

  • Sean O

    [re=196536]magic titty[/re]: “My grandmother still uses terms like ‘darkies’, when she should be calling them ‘coloreds’.”

  • Doglessliberal

    this builds confidence in the Secret Service:

    “Every few weeks for nearly four years, the Secret Service screened the IDs of employees for a Maryland cleaning company before they entered the house of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, the nation’s top immigration official.

    The company’s owner says the workers sailed through the checks — although some of them turned out to be illegal immigrants.”

  • JamesMichaelCurley

    The Wal-Mart ploy. Turn in the contract illegals when they present the bill.

  • mattbolt

    Hiring illegal immigrants is no big deal, sometimes when I’m just not feeling the snark I hire Jose here to post comments on Wonkette for me.

  • Larry McAwful

    Wait… illegal immigrants are actually guerilla housecleaners? Okay, that changes everything. I no longer favor comprehensive immigration reform and merely making it a bit easier to get citizenship. I now support opening the borders completely; anyone who wants to come in can come in. This is great!

    I’m leaving my doors unlocked when I go to work for the day, too. The Pine Sol is under the sink, and please take care not to use Brillo pads on the non-stick pans. Thanks.

  • Darehead

    Yet another scandal with no sex? At least take your ShirtOff.

  • snideinplainsight

    He should get a copy of the Bobbi Brown Makeup Manual!

  • Canuckledragger

    What, Mark Penn was too busy? Doing what?

    [re=196536]magic titty[/re]: Do not mock Gareth! He can kill a man with just his thumbs. Don’t piss off Ricky Gervais, or he WILL!

  • sarahconnor

    Yes! Poop wins again!

  • Monkey

    No, Ms. Smith, immigration would not stop. We white people still need someone to hate, and it’s not cool to hate on black people anymore, and nobody hates the k’reans, so we have to have the im’grants so we can hate on someone.

  • Dumb Ass

    Skeletor, this is what happens when you try to keep illegals out of Eternia. They end up mowing the lawn and trimming the hedges at Snake Mountain.

  • Sara in the West

    [re=196546]snideinplainsight[/re]: Agreed. Well-applied concealer could really take care of that pasty alien look.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Geeze, incompentence at Homeland Security? I’m sorry, but the list is already full — can we just wait for a month and a half and say this happened during the Obama administration?

  • snideinplainsight

    Or maybe Chertoff should get some of those emoluments. They’re working great for Hillary!

  • God Hates Frogs

    I’m thinking that in those dark, pre-dawn hours when the undead walk, Michael should be cleaning his own damned house instead of watching infomercials for Guerillas Gone Wild and sucking down Clamatto juice.

  • Cape Clod

    Another face of the Bush Administration that the nation will be happy to never see again.

  • StripesAndPlaids

    Also, rumor has it that Chertoff was boning an underage illegal housecleaning alien for nearly 6 months. I know about this rumor because I just started it.

  • Hamster

    You would think Chertoff would want his house cleaned by poor, thankful for a job, illegal immigrants that couldn’t give 2 shits who the hell he is. As opposed to, you know, pissed off “natrual born citizens” forced to clean houses to pay for their useless $300K education.

  • dano

    I thought Chertoff lived in an empty refrigerator carton down by the railroad tracks.

  • Fivetree

    Now I know where I’ve seen Chertoff before. In a George Romero movie. He needs the illegal (untraceable) aliens to supply his never ending hunger for……..brains…….brains.

  • villageatrois

    Oh great. Now Chertoff has a lucrative housecleaning contract to award to someone who can get him an ambassadorship or a corporate board seat.

  • MathewBrooks

    OMG…The prophecy has been fulfilled! The Dead Shall Walk the Earth…

  • Mongo

    That poor cleaning lady had to handle Darth Chertoff’s dark side of the force.

  • InsidiousTuna

    I can personally attest that he is this scary-looking in real life.

  • Big Ass Belle

    The moral of the story is, everybody should just clean their own goddamn house and then illegal immigration would immediately stop, everywhere.

    Surely you jest? I would die ~ die!! ~ without my housekeeper. When I am homeless and living in a Maytag box, Cenovia will still come and tidy up for me and I will sell cans and mine own blood to pay for it. Legal? Illegal? Whatever, I cannot live with out her. $30 an hour and worth every penny.

  • hedgehog

    Chertoff should have figured it out after someone smoked his bathmats.

  • hedgehog

    Dick Cheney: What do you do when you see a Mexican jumping up and down?

    Michael Chertoff: What?

    Dick Cheney: Reload!

  • magic titty

    [re=196539]Sean O[/re]: “That’s one reason why gays shouldn’t be allowed into the army. Because if we’re in battle, is he going to be looking at the enemy, or is he going to be looking at me and going “Ooh. He looks tasty in his uniform”. And I’m not homophobic, all right? Come round, look at my CDs. You’ll see Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. They’re all bummers.”

  • bago

    And they all contain anal bum covers.

  • Kwame&#39

    Just how does Consuela get his glow-in-the-dark skidmarks out?

  • obfuscator

    Mittens/Chertoff 2012!!1!

    [re=196536]magic titty[/re]:

    “Michael Chertoff Invetigates”

  • ivenson

    It just occurred to me…Chertoff looks like Zombie Perry Ferrell.

  • yellowdogdem

    [re=196558]God Hates Frogs[/re]: Michael is not at home during those pre-dawn hours. He’s out doing vampire stuff.

  • donner_froh

    [re=196546]snideinplainsight[/re]: Unfortunately Whitney Houston shows up and you have a screaming fight and punch out.

  • finallyhappy

    I’ve worked with Homeland Security and based on the lack of ability of the people I worked with – I imagine the people who do security clearance are totally illiterate. By the way, does Chertoff have some fatal disease? I’ve seen dead people who looked better.

  • Fivetree

    [re=196608]ivenson[/re]: No, I now remember when I last saw him. He was part of that Army of the Dead that Viggo Mortensen enlisted to beat the bad guys in the last Lord of the Rings movie. Maybe Chertoff can get the rest of the army to clean his shitter.

  • chascates

    Nosferatu will be available for film work shortly.

  • Barrett808

    I’m down with the undead theory of Chertoff, but is it wrong to suspect that he has an obvious case of lipodystrophy caused by AIDS drugs?

  • hamletta

    [re=196545]Darehead[/re]: Oh, Dear Lord, no. The mere thought of Chertoff with his ShirtOff is enough to cause retinal burns!

  • AxmxZ

    Fun fact: in Russian, “chertoff” means literally the adjective “male thing/person belonging to the devil.”

    I’m not joking.

  • KMJ

    I have a question – I posted this very same story on my blog, and got a response THE SAME DAY from DHS, from Chertoff’s assistant, asking me to post the press release by Russ Knocke, in which they explain and defend Chertoff.

    I received maybe ten hits on my post, and no comments, the post does not come up on google at all, so far, and yet they wrote this e-mail to me.

    You have had MUCH more traffic to your post, many comments, and you are on the first page if one Google’s Michael Chertoff.

    Did you receive an e-mail?

    I am just curious.

    Thanks!

    KMJ

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