Dearest Wonkette readers. Now would be an appropriate time to grab a drink and reassess the value of, you know, representative democracy as an effective form of government at all. If you’ve been watching CNN for the last couple of hours… well, we’re right there with you. Oh god CNN is now looking at Internet comments to get more opinions on the Death Of The Bailout. INTERNET COMMENTS. We want forty guns right now with which to shoot furniture, appliances, alley cats and, most importantly, our own human selves. Let’s run through a list of the comically pathetic ways in which our American political leaders are “responding” to the failed bailout vote. Hint: very few people are blaming themselves!

Immediately after the vote, the House Republican leadership held a press conference, and it was a doozy! In some countries at some point in world history, you might expect the adult leaders of the party that just shot down a bipartisan compromise to come out and say “Hey, you know what, the motherfucker fell, so we’ll go and work on it and come back with a little sump’m sump’m later, kapish?”

But these are no ordinary adults. One might call them “great whores of Babylon” instead. Or, simply, “children.”

Minority leader John Boehner claimed that he *thought* he had another 12 votes from his caucus, which would’ve resulted in a 217-216 passage of the bill. It was all set to pass! But then, NANCY PELOSI GAVE A MEAN SPEECH before the vote. Said Boehner — whose last name famously sounds like some sort of fancy German erection — Pelosi’s speech “poisoned our conference and caused a number of members we thought we could get go south.” Well since that’s a shocking amount of horseshit, we can assume that Boehner never had the right number of votes and is a failed American leader.

But what did Nancy Pelosi say? Here’s some video which we watched for 30 or so seconds before crying:

Here are some excerpts for those of you who shared our reaction:

When was the last time someone asked you for $700 billion? It is a number that is staggering, but tells us only the costs of the Bush Administration’s failed economic policies–policies built on budgetary recklessness, on an anything goes mentality, with no regulation, no supervision, and no discipline in the system.


Today, we will act to avert this crisis, but informed by our experience of the past eight years with the failed economic leadership that has left us left capable of meeting the challenges of the future. We choose a different path. In the new year, with a new Congress and a new president, we will break free with a failed past and take America in a New Direction to a better future.

Now let us be clear: no one has any sympathy whatsoever for the poor baby House Republicans who pretended to be “hurt” by this speech.

But Nancy: Why are you so terrible? WTF? Was this speech really necessary? Hack hack hack hack hack, spit. This method — tying all Republicans everywhere to George W. Bush right before a tenuous vote — is not exactly how one woos on-the-fence Republicans. It is pretty amazing how much Nancy Pelosi sucks at being House Speaker.

BUY CANNED GOODS. And then throw them at the Capitol. It will be kind of funny, just canned goods laying everywhere. But be sure to pick them up after like an hour, because you’ll need them.

After $700 Billion Bailout Collaspes in the House, GOP Mounts an Absurd Blame Game [Mother Jones]
Dems for Bailout: Pelosi #1 “anything goes mentality” [YouTube]

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  1. Can we tell all the Chris’chuns that this is the end times and all they have to do to be raptured is take their guns (which they have been clinging to bitterly) and shoot themselves in the head? Can we? I bet it would work to…

  2. Time to break out those 10,000 rounds of Russian rifle ammunition I buried in the yard a fwe years back. Be shooting trespassers looking for food before the sun goes down. Lock and load, America

  3. if they will jess wait long enuff, there won’t be any need for a bailout plan… usually, ships that are sittin on the bottom o’th’ocean doan get bailed out… time fer a new bailout plan, like, “holy shit, plane’s goin down! bail out!”

  4. Pelosi has been a train wreck with her hackery. I mean, unless the Dems get like 40 more seats in Nov, she still has to WORK with these people on the insane side of the isle. Does she seriously think she can shit all over them and have them begin to agree with her? I mean, if she were a man, maybe, because it would be some sort of sadomasochistic foreplay for the Closeted Minority, but Jesus, talk about not helping.

  5. PandoraSpocks says at 9:07 am, September 29th, 2008

    “Nobody, including Pelosi, knows if they have the votes to pass this damned thing.”

    Do win anything for this?

  6. [re=114122]Truculent[/re]: y’load first, then y’lock, as in, load the bullet into th’chamber, then lock the bolt… try it, it’ll seem real natural…

  7. Newell wrote: “But these are no ordinary adults. One might call them “great whores of Babylon” instead. Or, simply, “children.””

    Too funny…just got this email from a friend: “…I don’t think who voted which way matters. What matters is that these pricks are arguing like my 1 1/2 year old when he squabbles with a playmate over whose piece of play dough…”

    To which Q2 might add that it does appear to be an argument similiar to my two dogs arguing over a single bone.

    All of these people simply HAVE TO GO. It is our duty…

    We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

  8. Trespassers should only be eaten in cold winter months, to avoid parasites. I like to salt them thoroughly for a couple of days. Cooking them on charcoal under a tarp (canvas, not nylon) will desiccate them nicely and they can store a long time. This doesn’t work for very fat ones, though. You need to boil them to render some fat out.

  9. I at least like the fact that Barney Frank is willing to go talk “very, very nicely” to any 12 people whose minds he can change. This is sooo not about who go their feelings hurt. It’s about whether some people will have jobs or money tomorrow.

  10. I still say this does make them look bad, even if Nancy was being needlessly partisan.
    “Waaah! Free markets will save everything! WAAAAAH!”

  11. [re=114138]Delicious[/re]: Damn. I was afraid it was going to hit 750. It’s up to 770? World record for one day drop shattered to oblivion folks.

    I’ll be in the corner. Clinging to my guns, religion and canned goods.

  12. By: Mike Allen

    September 29, 2008 03:37 PM EST

    Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) and his top aides took credit for building a winning bailout coalition – hours before the vote failed and stocks tanked.

  13. “EXTRA EXTRA!”Wonkette blames Pelosi! Wonkette blames Pelosi!” I like Frank’s line, “Because somebody hurt their feelings, they decided to punish the country.”

  14. LA Times reported today that this bailout plan still did not include bankruptcy protection for homeowners, because the banking lobby wes able to stop it. This probly gave Dems a lot of cover to vote no. On the plus side, that means they expect home values to rebound, except in Buffalo, of course.

  15. Why did the dems let Paulson/Bush dictate this bailout in the first place? They all (dems/repugs) said it sucked but had to work with it. The 700Billion number was pulled out of someone’s ass! Why aren’t the dems working on a bill that the American People can support? I’m tired of having to put sugar in my 10 month old coffee just to make it go down a little better! I want fresh coffee god damn it! In fact, I want Starbucks!

  16. “It is pretty amazing how much Nancy Pelosi sucks at being House Speaker.”

    Oh yeah, absolutely. I think the reason a lot of Dems “love” her is that they know the GOP HATES her. Kind of like the exact same reason so many Republicans love Palin so much–because they know that people like me hate her with all their being.

    That being said, Pelosi still sucks, and is a total fool. Horrible leadership, all the time. Harry Reid ain’t much better.

  17. [re=114148]stew[/re]: Remember when the word “faggot” meant a bundle of sticks, which you would throw onto a fire? Now, we know “republican” also means “faggot”, but I’m not sure that faggot has the non-offensive meaning of olde in your context…

  18. [re=114167]pedro[/re]: Barney Frank is my new hero this week. If I didn’t like Hopey so much, I’d want him to be Preznit. Hey, he’d represent an historic demographic first, too!

  19. cont.

    Shortly before the vote, McCain had bragged about his involvement and mocked Sen. Barack Obama for staying on the sidelines.

    “I’ve never been afraid of stepping in to solve problems for the American people, and I’m not going to stop now,” McCain told a rally in Columbus, Ohio. “Senator Obama took a very different approach to the crisis our country faced. At first he didn’t want to get involved. Then he was monitoring the situation.”

    McCain, grinning, flashed a sarcastic thumbs-up.

    “That’s not leadership. That’s watching from the sidelines,” he added to cheers and applause.

  20. cont.

    On Monday morning, McCain campaign communications director Jill Hazelbaker said on Fox News that the deal would not have happened “without Senator McCain.”

    “Senator McCain interrupted his campaign, suspended his campaign activity to come back to Washington to get Republicans around a table,” Hazelbaker said. “Without Senator McCain, House Republicans would not have appointed a negotiator, which would not have moved this bill forward.

    “It’s really Senator McCain who got all parties around a table to hammer out a deal that hopefully is in the best interests of the American taxpayer.”

  21. Once in a while, I look at all this madness and think, “Good God, has this country ever been this polarized?”

    Then I remember my college days and that genial genocidaire Reagan.

    …and being positively terrified by watching Cronkite announce yet another assassination as a preview to a few weeks of cities in flames.

    …and finally, reading biweekly columns in our wee local paper be some 80 year old crank who still can’t say ‘FDR’ without spraying invective-laden spittle.

    So, there’s a happy little frame through which to watch today’s episode of Idiots on Parade.

  22. [re=114106]bitchincamaro[/re]: I think it was Ted Rall who observed

    Democrat = Pretends to Care
    Republican = Doesn’t Pretend to Care

    Either way, nobody cares, so whatever. All I know is that I have a shitload of ammo and I live about a hundred yards from a LDS temple. Those fuckers squirrel food away like fucking squirrels, and I’ve mapped out where every one of them lives. WOLVERINES!

  23. You all don’t understand the sublime genius of Pelosi’s move. By intentionally thwarting certain agreement, a la Bismarck, she made certain the economy would tank, creating a landslide discontent vote for Dems, allowing Republicans to leave in a maximum of disgrace, a la Roosevelt.

  24. [re=114181]Delicious[/re]: I hear now that McCrybaby is adding his voice to the group of old white men who are blaming Pelosi. Cry baby butthole old stinky wrinkle head!

  25. All I saw was 67% of House Republicans voting against a Republican President’s bill. This wasn’t Nancy’s bill, or even the Democrats’ bill. For only 40% of Democrats to vote against Bush at this stage of the game is nothing short of a miracle. For only 33% of Republicans to vote for him shows the world just how fucking obsolete that party is right now.

    There is no leadership in the entire Republican party, top to bottom, right now — due in no small part to the John McCain Crazy Mav’rick Yee-Haw Show in St Paul last month. Let’s keep the blame where the blame rests, folks.

  26. “Nancy was mean to us, it’s all her fault!”

    Whatever, suckas. You got us into this mess, if you can’t take someone telling it to you straight- Oh, wait, I forgot, you’re Republicans. Jesus.

  27. I’m still pissed at Pelosi cuz’ she stabbed my girl Hillary in the back. That was bad enough. Now I have to go home and tell my 10 year daughter that we’re gonna be living like the kids in that Kit Kitteredge movie. Except we have no chickens or vegetable garden.

  28. [re=114114]Serolf Divad[/re]: Unfortunately, I trust no one when it comes to the economy. I’d just as soon trust Picasso’s Whores of Avignon as a faithful representation of the economy (and yes, they were whores) as I would those jagged diving squiggles on graph paper I’ve seen all day.

  29. [re=114184]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]:

    Duly noted and corrected… not that it makes it look that much better for Bush, or worse for Clinton. It was mostly the NASDAQ that tanked.

  30. [re=114114]Serolf Divad[/re]: I’m not buying the Clinton good, Bush bad. They’re all ass-weasels, Dems and Repubs alike. The accumulation and weilding of power…winning…is all they care for. No America. Not you. Not me. Themselves…and that is all.

  31. [re=114144]slappypaddy[/re]: So you would think. But everybody, from the delta Force guys to the toothless survivalists, say “lock and load.” Plus, it’s that way in my copy of the Marine Corps rifle instruction manual.

  32. [re=114184]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: and if you give 08 to bush, and 00 to clinton, then you have to agree that the success of the 90’s was due to trickle down policies finally kicking in after a decade of simmering.
    I Hate America as much as a Republican right now.

  33. So they talk about giving CEOs a maximum of $400 or $500K if the government has to intervene. If the government has to take over your business because you can’t run it properly, you should receive the minimum salary of any government worker. You should get a part-time postal worker salary.

    Am I crazy? How can you fail and still draw a salary from taxpayers?

    Ron Paul would not accept this:

  34. [re=114114]Serolf Divad[/re]: The important, important, important thing is that, during the period of the first chart, we had someone in the White House who L-I-E-D about getting his cock tongue-swaddled by a meretrious intern. That counts. In the face of political principle, economic stability, no less prosperity, is much overrated.

    Jim: When was the last time House Repugs gave a monkey’s pink ass about anything Pelosi ever said?

  35. [re=114163]loudmouthredhead[/re]: Oh, it makes them look really bad, you are right. Like the petulant 4 year olds that they are.

    This whole thing is totally f’d up.

    The House of Representatives is quite possibly the greatest problem facing America today. If Pelosi can say this trash (which i do admit did not help) and cause a very important bill to fail, does Hopey have any chance of getting anything at all through these DBs next year?

  36. Can anyone really say that Pelosi is a leader? Since she is the Speaker, and the House could not get this into the “done pile” this is a huge problem for the Dems – even though it was Bush’s bill. It shows she cannot get important legislation done. What purpose does she have then?

    Pelosi seems perfect for our time. Shallow, interested in special interests, overtly political and not a micro of ingenuity or ability to work across the aisle. It’s her House – now we all get to have it shit on us.

  37. [re=114189]Delicious[/re]: 777. The number of the beastly economy.

    [re=114229]Doglessliberal[/re]: Grampy said that right after the vote. Uh, wasn’t it Cranky McFunster to deliver the GOP vote? Hopey did his job. McCain failed.

  38. [re=114229]Doglessliberal[/re]: So it’s exactly the same as the first debate: Obama appears calm and presidential, McCain appears to be an angry old man shouting at clouds.

  39. I don’t buy it. Each representative is responsible for his or her own vote. Rethugs and Demrats alike say terrible things about the others all the freaking time. If they don’t have thick enough skins to suck it up and vote for the bailout no matter what terrible words Pelosi called them, then too bad. If only Vigilante were here… he’d certainly have an opinion…

  40. Hank Frankenstein is looking for a new tool kit.
    Last week Hank said everything was good.
    “Our banking system is holding up very well.” said Hank. (Just now)
    Why does Hank need a new tool kit?

    Why would anybody believe Hank Frankenstein until he finds his new tool kit.

  41. [re=114225]crunchymunchy[/re]: Simple answer. The whole point is to keep these businesses alive. What incentive do the CEOs have to stay unless we pay them? They could just walk away, literally quit, and yeah, maybe we could find a replacement, but in the meantime we’re fucked and we’ve lost a very valuable source of infomration (the CEO), who knows all the company secrets.

    If the deal goes through, we have no choice but to pay them.

  42. Jim Newell, that was both hilarious and full of rage. You are my favorite internet person right now. I will be mailing you a can of baked beans as a reward.

  43. [re=114216]Q2[/re]:

    I am buying it… because otherwise I’d have nothing but a bottle of Ezra Brooks to get me through the day… and I need more than that.

  44. [re=114266]Blue Line[/re]: Obama agreed with McCain. Obama will say anything he believes you want to hear, so keep listening.

    Its time for Ralphy Nader.

    Its time for Cindy Sheehan.

    Its time to clean house.

  45. Guns? Forty is WAY to many, unless you live in a compound in Texas with your wives and kids and some creepy church/sex area…

    One gun and forty cases of ammo is a better bet. And canned food. And a tape of “Hello Dolly” to play on your solar powered iPod.

  46. [re=114252]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: Don’t be hard on McGramps.
    Besides that, fail is such devisive, partisan, elitist term. I prefer “nonperform”, as in: “nonperforming asset-backed securities”.

    [re=114247]WadISay[/re]: That means that the votes were “locked”.

  47. I bet members of congress are actually surprised by their low poll numbers. It’s nice to know tha average americans are really represented by their intellectual peers.

  48. My theory is CEO pay is so high because trade secrets are so precious. The people with access to trade secrets have to be paid, even after they leave, to keep them quiet. So, there’s obviously something of value to protect, unless it’s just dirty secrets that could get their asses sued.

  49. [re=114229]Doglessliberal[/re]: that’s the kind of crazy partisan stuff I mean. I mean what kind of hack says stuff line people “…needed to be calm and both sides needed to work together to get something done.” Clearly this is all his fault.

  50. [re=114278]Serolf Divad[/re]: Bush is such a complete prick…and he’s The Boy Who Cried Wolf…and when the wolf came no one could believe him. When we needed a leader, the BoyBush had already spent all the integrity he had…except this time the wolf is gonna eat us all…not just BoyBush. You may have your Ezra Brooks…and that is good. Me? Well…I have a 1.75 mil bottle of Old #7…but wouldn’t ya fuQin’ know it…I went on a diet two weeks ago so I’m gonna exericise instead of drink…maybe that’s a bad idea though…it is said that “tactical fat” comes in handy when the SHTF and the REAL HARD TIMES COME, or so they say.

  51. [re=114150]Outstando[/re]: yeah, I missed that part too. I’m feeling a little weird about this whole thing because I’m actually not unhappy about it being voted down (and I am NOT on the side of Republicans, EVER). Screw Wall Street – that money should be going to increase Social Security payments for everyone (so people aren’t dependent on their flaky and unpredictable 401Ks) and protecting people from foreclosure directly, instead of handing 700 bil over to the same jerkwads who screwed us all in the first place. Of course it sucks that people at Lehman and wherever are losing their jobs, but it was the inevitable result of switching from an economy where people made actual things to an economy where people traded non-existent money for other non-existent money.

  52. Nancy Pelosi’s speech sounds exactly like something that Newt Gingrich would have given just before he expected the Dems to nut up and do the right thing and vote for the unpopular bill…

    Its a damn shame we can’t count on Republicans to have the cojones to do the same.

  53. [re=114283]vigilante[/re]: okaaay, and how will they solve this? Hope you have some shit to trade for food, because that is what happens when credit markets freeze.

  54. [re=114286]Lumberjack[/re]: 2 (identical) guns. “One is none and two is one”…or so the nutjob gun survivalist whackos say…They may be right this time.

  55. [re=114336]Doglessliberal[/re]: On the plus side, I can probably sell my wife’s cats to settle our mortgage. I’ll keep the cute ones for last.

  56. [re=114341]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: oh but see, Nader will somehow create money from rainbows and bestow it on all the businesses who cannot meet payroll for their employees without short term loans to cover their costs until their receivables catch up with expenses, because people have been paying for things with checks and credit cards (which, vigilante, is how the fucking economy works), so the fact that they have no credit will not matter! Ralphy and his magic wand will make it better!

  57. [re=114349]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: I am a vegetarian, but I have a 26 pound cat. After a few weeks, when the cans of soup and checkpeas are gone, he might start to look pretty good. My husband is not a vegetarian, however, so he might have eaten the cat by then anyway.

  58. Damn…I knew I was being unreasonable when I refinanced for a 30 year fixed at a 68% loan to asset value ratio. I should have gone for one of those liars loans and gotten an extra $200,000 and…any minute now…the Fed would be bailin’ my sorry ass out as I cried “I was taken advantage of!!!”

  59. Its the Killer’s birthday today. 9/29

    [re=114268]sezme[/re]: Do you know where Hank’s tool kit is? He needs a new one to fix the bail-out.

    [re=114228]WWJGD[/re]: Its the Y2k ATTACK.

    We need Ralph now. He’ll get a new tool kit for Hank Frankenstein so he can fix this.

  60. [re=114373]Q2[/re]: God will have his ears full tonight. Its the New Year, the new slate, and time for Ralph.

    Give Ralph one time at the plate. Obama, McCain, Pelosi, Bush, Hillary keep strikin out.

  61. “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire” is being to sound like a decent recipe to me now. Throw in a crabgrass salad and sip a cup of scummy pond water to wash it down and that’s mmmm, mmmm good eatin’.

  62. To be frank, I’ll take Wall Street over the Holler (and the Hippies) any day. Yeah, they’re a bunch of Long Island pricks with necks wider than their heads, but they at least have a color of cosmopolitainism. The larger, more coordinated group will always beat the tar out of the separatists and survivalists any day of the week.

  63. What price is Nadar on this fictional human futures market thing all the kids are into? Bet he’s down there with the dessicated walking corpse of Paul Lynde.

  64. [re=114425]mamandesfilles[/re]: But then you need clean water to make them edible.

    [re=114400]vigilante[/re]: Yes, yes, yes. The day of vindication is at hand. Today is the Naderian Rapture.

    Fly away now.

  65. CNBC has pretty much begun an open revolt against all Republicans with lots of shouting. They have pretty much told this Republican who voted against it that none of his points make sense and he should die a horrible death.

    If you cannot even hold onto the Freidmanites, you are toast.

  66. [re=114411]Anita Cocktail[/re]: Let the alley cats live.
    It’s not their fault — God knows, kittehs aren’t allowed to vote.

    Neither are felons, but we fry them.

  67. If the man on the street is really the victim of this vote, the media would be interviewing working stiffs to hear their plight. The only people being interviewed are politicians who were told 1000 to 1 by their constituents to vote NO.

    The Dem/Rep single party in America will keep lying to bail-out the corporate money.

    If we now fail to clean house, elect Ralph Nader, elect Cindy Sheehan, elect any bozo on the ballot.
    My only choice for Congress is Green Party Richard Duffee who I know very well to be an imbecile. But I’ll take an imbecile for the moment.

  68. I have a copy of the rare “Jughead Sniffing Glue” issue of Archie Pals ‘n’ Gals, a la 1964. That puppy is gonna pay for my retirement. Eat it, stockholders!

  69. [re=114456]Truculent[/re]: Sweet pea, can’t you remember when you believed the Y2K end of the world was here? Your mind keeps playing tricks on you.

    There needs to be a law to stop the mental defect group can’t vote.
    Your medication isn’t working. Take another dose and lie down. Watch some propaganda and relax.

  70. [re=114526]vigilante[/re]: It’s really funny that you are always telling people they’re drugged up on propaganda, but you come out with some of the most punch-driven political ass hat bullshit I have ever seen on this website. Maybe you should examine yourself, or maybe you should be examined?

  71. Yeah, if Nadarites are the solution to the worlds problems, how come they’re so fuckin’ gloomy? If you have confidence in your plan, and a solution to the world’s problems, wouldn’t you have a little optimism?

  72. [re=114541]shortsshortsshorts[/re]:

    Its hard to imagine that in America the voters would choose Obama, Biden, McCain, and Palin.

    I shouldn’t blame voters for this genuine shit, its the propaganda that manipulated, maneuvered, and brainwashed you sorry bastards.

    How can any reasonable, thoughtful person plead not guilty for voting for Barry, Joe, John, and Sarah???

  73. [re=114571]Quarterback[/re]: I just went there, and yeah, it’s really REALLY down, and that seems worse than ironic, it seems bad. Like, intentionally bad. I worked for a not-for-profit that isn’t the House, and we had multiple redundant backups in diverse regions, firewalled, blah blah. If the internet was up, we were up. Could some intern have just spilled a Diet Coke on a server and taken the House site down? Seems unlikely.

  74. [re=114154]El Bombastico[/re]: Don’t worry, I know I’ll never live to retire.My husband has plans for dropping dead at work and they will find me hunched over some futuristic keyboard where my arthritic fingers will still be trying to form words.

  75. [re=114631]1ofUS[/re]: Quarterback: What, they’ve hacked the hacks? Sacked the sad sacks? Packed the pooch on the roof rack and sidled on down the road?

    Are you kidding me? This is fucking Shakespeare! Thank you!

  76. God, this is the funniest stuff yet.I hope you people cheer up soon. It was a Republican bill and they for the most part voted against it. Should I read you the darling letter a got from the RNC just yesterday concerning Pelosi?

  77. My wife called me on the mobile when news of this broke. I was on my way back from Amsterdam… where we used to live and may well go back to. You guys can all stay on the couch. Watching US politics while legally smoking spliff rocks. Of course, it also makes for better deciginatin’ than that rock that a bunch of the Reps seem to be on.

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