I swear it's Springfield's only choice... Throw up your hands and raise your voice! Monorail!
The Federal Reserve Bank and the U.S. Treasury just launched this great new website where you can force the government to buy your worthless old garbage, too! Somebody wants Paulson to buy this “used douche bag,” which is so gross. Wonkette has submitted a request for $1.4 billion dollars to cover an old HP notebook (no hard drive), some restaurant receipts we forgot to write off last year, a scratched-to-hell copy of “Wowee Zowee” that we already replaced with the box-set version, and five old copies of The Economist we found in the side pocket of an old laptop bag. America is BACK. [Buy My Shitpile, Henry!]

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  • soytrucknutz

    If this were anything like the real Wall Street, I could make a shitload selling a shitpile that I don’t really own or ever intend to own. It’s called naked shit shorting.

  • shortsshortsshorts


    Large plot of land nestled between two vast oceans. Resources limited but has potential. IN ESCROW with certain Asian suitor so hurry! This offer won’t last long! Please forward all inquiries to ******@******.gov.

  • PoliTacky

    hahaha, I just posted the LOLrus.

    NOooooooo they be stealin’ mah taxes!

  • facehead
  • gliberal

    Can someone PLEASE get me about ten grand for some hookers and blow in Vegas? At least it won’t go to waste.

  • CivicHoliday

    Here’s mine: Used Cat Litter

    “My husband and I have had two cats for eight years now. We’ve invested in thousands of bags of kitty litter, and gotten no return on that investment other than the backbreaking labor involved in scooping out disgusting stinky cat turds and clumps of ammonia-wafting urine soaked muck. I made this investment on good faith that it would keep my home from becoming the scourge of the neighborhood, yet alas, it still stinks to high heaven every time either cat uses the facilities. So, dear government, please help me recoup my losses and set me on the path to financial well-being once again. A genetically engineered cat that does not excrete any waste would be a nice bonus.”

  • InsidiousTuna

    [re=104140]PoliTacky[/re]: I saw that, and I enjoyed it.

  • loquaciousmusic

    HUGE ANTI-SALE ON TRUCK NUTZ!!!!!11!!!!1 Also, someone should list the website

  • InsidiousTuna

    Ok, Shorts, you can’t put your penis into the pile.

  • WadISay

    I’ve got this car. I payed about $20 grand for it, and now the bitch is worth about $6K. So I need $14K for the underwater asset. Oh yeah, and $21 million for my bonus as CEO of the WadISay Car Management fund, kthxbi.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    OKAY OKAY I will post the Truck NUTZ.

  • PoliTacky

    I can’t believe I’m the first person to post TruckNutz! on there.

  • CivicHoliday

    [re=104149]loquaciousmusic[/re]: OMG, it’s there! C’mon, ya’ll, act quick before they’re gone!

    “1 slightly used “pair” of TruckNutz! I bought them on sale, but they were still really expensive.


  • DC Spring

    Erm, thanks folks, but having tracked the finanshuls for 72 hours it’s more like this:

    Getting back to teary and ozymandial right now. Far frkn out. It’s not working.

  • grevillea

    Emailed promissory note from Bank of Nigeria: $750,000. I ain’t greedy.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Hey Hank, take over my student loans. I am too big to fail.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Levi Johnson’s shitpile: “One busted condom and six empty bottles of Bud”

  • obfuscator

    [re=104130]soytrucknutz[/re]: “I’m Larry Craig, and I would like to set up a time & a place where we can further discuss this “naked shit shorting”. Perhaps an airport lavatory? Call me!

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …how much do you guys think I could get for a twice used condom(inside out) and a handful of toe nail clippings?

  • obfuscator

    “I’m Larry Craig, and I would like to submit a soiled sheetpile for consideration. It’s been hermetically sealed in my basement den closet for decades now.”

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …6 grand for a wad of used toilet paper?! That’s a bargain!!!

  • AngryBlakGuy

    [re=104163]obfuscator[/re]: …David Vitter’s used pamper?

  • rubybuckaroo

    I want Paulie (almost walnuts) to buy my crappy office chair. I need to trade stocks everyday to keep the gv’ment going, but gol-durn-it this old chair is hurtin’ my back….or is that our tax burden?…whatev.
    A new $6,000 chair please, and fast, no oversight either.

  • PoliTacky

    OK, I posted one more:
    AMAZING 4-Eared Cat That Can Hear The Stock Market Crashing Before It Happens
    Now I have to go shine up my TruckNutz!

  • PoliTacky

    [re=104148]InsidiousTuna[/re]: it had to be done! :)

  • FlipOffResearch

    The funniest part of the post are the pictures of all that worthless shit. I had to zoom up to see them all: Homer Simpson (not the Day Of The Locust one) on a monorail, a bunch of beanie babies, a home gym, some sort of hotdog and bun toaster, and spray on hair. I know if spray on hair was around when I was in elementary school, I would have reached puberty much sooner. At least it would have looked that way.
    Seriously, the most important thing about this bailout is not giving oversight to Paulson. The potential for abuse is massive. If the history of KBR and Halliburton is any guide, anyone associated with this administration needs oversight.

  • DC Spring

    Ok, so there are some relationship angles here. How about we get back to the fundamentals…? Taxpayers, Wall St? Check this:


  • user-of-owls

    See, I told you this would happen if we allowed flouridating of our economy.

  • obfuscator

    [re=104169]FlipOffResearch[/re]: Could you be any more paranoid?? Seriously, name me one other instance in which Americans were warned by their president that decisive and swift action had to be taken immediately in order to avoid some inevitable yet vaguely defined doomsday scenario…

  • Johnny Zhivago
  • Gopherit v2.0

    Awww… guys broke the shitpile site!

  • Johnny Zhivago

    Speaking of the economy, did Neil Cavuto spraypaint his scalp with Krylon Gloss Black or is he wearing a small kitten on his head?

  • FlipOffResearch

    Obfuscator perhaps your right, and I am being paranoid. After all, Jesus is directing all of Bushes decisions. What could go wrong?

  • DangerousLiberal

    [re=104159]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: After I eat this entire box of Cheez-Its (estimated value, $145,000,000,000) I will be physically too big to fail.

  • PoliTacky

    1 more1!!!1!!

    Synthetic Asses: Tool To Practice Pulling Excuses Out Of Your Ass


    Alright, I’m really stopping now…

  • Scooter

    Why not just take the $1 trillion and divvy it up among the 300 million residents of this formerly-free republic to the tune of $3,333 each?? A whole lotta stiffs would use that cash to pay their mortgage or their credit card bills and it would end up rattling around the financial system and in the sticky fingers of those MFin Wall Streeters anyway, but at least we’d be off the hook for that much on our personal debts. How ’bout trickle UP for a change?

  • Quarterback

    The pyramid scheme has been building for quite some time now. I believe that it has stopped growing, however the facts about the extent are probably 3-5 times below what is being stated. Keep in mind that we are in an election, so the true values are being wildly understated to avoid the political fallout. Very near the DAY after the election, “revised numbers” will mysteriously appear. This been a consistent pattern with this Executive Branch. My concern now, is that my read is that the power players are staging this crisis revelation now in order to loot the American treasury while they still have the ability to do so. The Secretary of Treasury and the Fed Chairman have enormous resources of advanced information, analysis, and advise available to them. There is NO WAY they did not see this coming. It is possible that they might have previously lied about the state of the economy in order to try to prevent panic, BUT the fact that NOW they allegedly have NO PLAN to deal with this is absolutely not credible. The solution being put forth is designed to look half-hazard in order to force a sense of panic and urgency so that they can loot hundreds of billions of dollars in the chaos before anyone catches on. The solution put forth is basically “give us full authority and $800 Billion with no strings, and we will put this together and let you know what we did later”. The looting of money misdirected from the war funding will look like robbing a lemonade stand. This is grand larceny, BIBLICAL larceny IN PROGRESS.

  • sweetits

    [re=104186]PoliTacky[/re]: that was my fav. i love pics of asses…kudos

  • CanadianBacon

    Hey I got a couple of boxes of stuff that I can’t get rid of. One is a box containing Adam Smith’s Invisible Hand and the other is a box full of Supply Side Economics. The Supply Side box has something that trickled down out of the box. Not sure what it is, but it sure stinks.

  • irisheyes

    I wish I were clever. You guys gave me the first and much needed laugh today.

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    I posted my beloved cat.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=104192]Quarterback[/re]: Yet, are you pondering what I am pondering?

  • S.Luggo

    [re=104217]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: In these terrible days one must still ask, how many quatloos did you get for the cat?

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=104222]S.Luggo[/re]: I received 2432 Ponzis.

  • contentsunderpressure

    [re=104169]FlipOffResearch[/re]: wikipedia trivia, ‘One of the paintings in the monorail luxury bar area is the Led Zeppelin symbol, the burning Hindenburg. An eerie fore-shadowing of the monorail.’

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=104192]Quarterback[/re]: I’ll be your receiver, sweet tits.

    I don’t know… consolidation is a milky, filthy whore- but not even a Paultard can believe that a central element of our obviously flourishing economy is related to an agreement between “two” groups of retards.
    I am listening to Hannity and Palin talk about their love for ‘merica right now so ya know I’m hatin’ them libruls.

  • Weeping Jesus

    I will miss that little guy, but the effin’ jerks running our condo keep talking about “rules”…pricks….

  • Weeping Jesus

    [re=104244]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I assume you meant this song….

  • njdon

    i’ll pay. i’ll pay. here’s my promissory note for 100 gazillion dollars.
    signed: ken lay, bank of zimbabwe.

  • njdon

    [re=104164]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: you must wiork for the defense dept.

  • Servo

    I’m with ya on the cat litter. I live in the puckeys, so my return for all of the back-breaking work is rodent suppression. Still, I can never understand why they can’t do their business in the vast wooded acreage in my backyard.

  • Guppy06

    I lack creativity, so I just put up my Xbox.

  • Monkey

    I put up all the used condoms that let to bad sex. I hope they sell!

  • aabbbiee

    Now that I’ve stripped my breakfast of its value, I think it’s only fair that the government buy back the remains.

  • Godot

    If the Fed would be so kind as to purchase the piles of papers and junk on my bedroom floor and dinner table and my sinkful of unwashed dishes, I think my household would be well on its way back to solvency.

  • highrankingseo

    Even with the decline of consumer and business spending there are still plenty of valuable investments for people to seek out and get them through these tough times. In fact, I think right now is the time to get wealthy, not be afraid.

    Panama Land Investments
    Business Stationary

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