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I swear it's Springfield's only choice... Throw up your hands and raise your voice! Monorail!
The Federal Reserve Bank and the U.S. Treasury just launched this great new website where you can force the government to buy your worthless old garbage, too! Somebody wants Paulson to buy this “used douche bag,” which is so gross. Wonkette has submitted a request for $1.4 billion dollars to cover an old HP notebook (no hard drive), some restaurant receipts we forgot to write off last year, a scratched-to-hell copy of “Wowee Zowee” that we already replaced with the box-set version, and five old copies of The Economist we found in the side pocket of an old laptop bag. America is BACK. [Buy My Shitpile, Henry!]

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56 COMMENTS

  1. FOR SALE:

    Large plot of land nestled between two vast oceans. Resources limited but has potential. IN ESCROW with certain Asian suitor so hurry! This offer won’t last long! Please forward all inquiries to ******@******.gov.

  2. Here’s mine: Used Cat Litter

    “My husband and I have had two cats for eight years now. We’ve invested in thousands of bags of kitty litter, and gotten no return on that investment other than the backbreaking labor involved in scooping out disgusting stinky cat turds and clumps of ammonia-wafting urine soaked muck. I made this investment on good faith that it would keep my home from becoming the scourge of the neighborhood, yet alas, it still stinks to high heaven every time either cat uses the facilities. So, dear government, please help me recoup my losses and set me on the path to financial well-being once again. A genetically engineered cat that does not excrete any waste would be a nice bonus.”

  3. I’ve got this car. I payed about $20 grand for it, and now the bitch is worth about $6K. So I need $14K for the underwater asset. Oh yeah, and $21 million for my bonus as CEO of the WadISay Car Management fund, kthxbi.

  4. [re=104149]loquaciousmusic[/re]: OMG, it’s there! C’mon, ya’ll, act quick before they’re gone!

    “1 slightly used “pair” of TruckNutz! I bought them on sale, but they were still really expensive.

    $666,000,000.00″

  5. [re=104130]soytrucknutz[/re]: “I’m Larry Craig, and I would like to set up a time & a place where we can further discuss this “naked shit shorting”. Perhaps an airport lavatory? Call me!

  6. “I’m Larry Craig, and I would like to submit a soiled sheetpile for consideration. It’s been hermetically sealed in my basement den closet for decades now.”

  7. I want Paulie (almost walnuts) to buy my crappy office chair. I need to trade stocks everyday to keep the gv’ment going, but gol-durn-it this old chair is hurtin’ my back….or is that our tax burden?…whatev.
    A new $6,000 chair please, and fast, no oversight either.

  8. The funniest part of the post are the pictures of all that worthless shit. I had to zoom up to see them all: Homer Simpson (not the Day Of The Locust one) on a monorail, a bunch of beanie babies, a home gym, some sort of hotdog and bun toaster, and spray on hair. I know if spray on hair was around when I was in elementary school, I would have reached puberty much sooner. At least it would have looked that way.
    Seriously, the most important thing about this bailout is not giving oversight to Paulson. The potential for abuse is massive. If the history of KBR and Halliburton is any guide, anyone associated with this administration needs oversight.

  9. [re=104169]FlipOffResearch[/re]: Could you be any more paranoid?? Seriously, name me one other instance in which Americans were warned by their president that decisive and swift action had to be taken immediately in order to avoid some inevitable yet vaguely defined doomsday scenario…

  10. Why not just take the $1 trillion and divvy it up among the 300 million residents of this formerly-free republic to the tune of $3,333 each?? A whole lotta stiffs would use that cash to pay their mortgage or their credit card bills and it would end up rattling around the financial system and in the sticky fingers of those MFin Wall Streeters anyway, but at least we’d be off the hook for that much on our personal debts. How ’bout trickle UP for a change?

  11. The pyramid scheme has been building for quite some time now. I believe that it has stopped growing, however the facts about the extent are probably 3-5 times below what is being stated. Keep in mind that we are in an election, so the true values are being wildly understated to avoid the political fallout. Very near the DAY after the election, “revised numbers” will mysteriously appear. This been a consistent pattern with this Executive Branch. My concern now, is that my read is that the power players are staging this crisis revelation now in order to loot the American treasury while they still have the ability to do so. The Secretary of Treasury and the Fed Chairman have enormous resources of advanced information, analysis, and advise available to them. There is NO WAY they did not see this coming. It is possible that they might have previously lied about the state of the economy in order to try to prevent panic, BUT the fact that NOW they allegedly have NO PLAN to deal with this is absolutely not credible. The solution being put forth is designed to look half-hazard in order to force a sense of panic and urgency so that they can loot hundreds of billions of dollars in the chaos before anyone catches on. The solution put forth is basically “give us full authority and $800 Billion with no strings, and we will put this together and let you know what we did later”. The looting of money misdirected from the war funding will look like robbing a lemonade stand. This is grand larceny, BIBLICAL larceny IN PROGRESS.

  12. Hey I got a couple of boxes of stuff that I can’t get rid of. One is a box containing Adam Smith’s Invisible Hand and the other is a box full of Supply Side Economics. The Supply Side box has something that trickled down out of the box. Not sure what it is, but it sure stinks.

  13. [re=104169]FlipOffResearch[/re]: wikipedia trivia, ‘One of the paintings in the monorail luxury bar area is the Led Zeppelin symbol, the burning Hindenburg. An eerie fore-shadowing of the monorail.’

  14. [re=104192]Quarterback[/re]: I’ll be your receiver, sweet tits.

    I don’t know… consolidation is a milky, filthy whore- but not even a Paultard can believe that a central element of our obviously flourishing economy is related to an agreement between “two” groups of retards.
    I am listening to Hannity and Palin talk about their love for ‘merica right now so ya know I’m hatin’ them libruls.

  15. [re=104147]CivicHoliday[/re]:
    I’m with ya on the cat litter. I live in the puckeys, so my return for all of the back-breaking work is rodent suppression. Still, I can never understand why they can’t do their business in the vast wooded acreage in my backyard.

  16. If the Fed would be so kind as to purchase the piles of papers and junk on my bedroom floor and dinner table and my sinkful of unwashed dishes, I think my household would be well on its way back to solvency.

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