FAILEvery four years, a mysterious combination of negligence, incompetence, fraud, and criminality conspire to make a single state responsible for getting some doofus into the White House. In 2000, Florida took the honor; in 2004, it was Ohio. And every four years, Hendrik Hertzberg writes angry editorials about how the whole electoral college should be bombed from space as a Republican takes office yet again. So which state will we be able to blame when Sarah Palin is hastily sworn in as America’s 45th president after John McCain expires from gout and agues in the spring of 2009?

The choices are endless! You got your Pennsylvania, where Bob Barr’s presence on the ballot could swing the state to Obama; your Virginia, where local registrars are spreading absurd rumors about how college students might lose their financial aid if they register to vote; Ohio, Colorado, and New Mexico, where various voting “innovations” have resulted in terrible miscounts, recounts, delays, and general clusterfucks; and let’s not forget Florida, which should just be sawed off at the Panhandle and fed to the sharks off Cuba.

In short, we are doomed, and we look forward to the next Hertzberg screed.

The Ground Game [Slate]

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  1. Florida. I can smell their stinking incompetence from all the way up here in Manhattan. Also, let’s not discount the possibility of their governor getting caught with his wang in the ballot box, and by “ballot box” I mean “a handsome man’s mouth.”

  2. Too bad Dan Rather isn’t anchoring the news anymore — “sawed off at the panhandle” sounds like one of his perplexing neo-folkisms, right up there with “I don’t know whether to wind my watch or howl at the moon.”

  3. With the AD Marilyn Musgrat is running here about how she does Jeezus work now, feeding the hungry & homeless…all after, her drunk daddy whopped that ass….
    I hate to say it: Colorado

  4. [re=91125]grendel[/re]:

    Yeah, I felt better this morning after learning that both Florida and Ohio were actually a tad irrelevant in this election.

    How about an entirely different state be the one to decide it all this year? New Hamphire, maybe? It’s one of the toss up states on the map. The state is small enough that the reporters and polsters could visit every single swamp Yankee and ridge runner in the place.

  5. Well, Virginia is doing its part. Montgomery County, home to Virginia Tech, is sending our flyers warning the thousands of college voters that Obama people have registered that their parents could lose the ability to claim them as dependents if they are from out of state and rigister to vote in Virginia…which is PERFECTLY LEGAL.

    Nice…hey, the South knows how to scare voters never you mind.

  6. Just an outside chance it could be Michigan. In Detroit the (no longer) City Clerk, an elected official who is in charge of running elections in Motown, sent employees from her office to nursing homes to deliver absentee ballots to those too old and infirm to get to the polls–or, in most cases, do anything but drool. The ballots were already marked for the Clerk and for Mayor Kwame.

    Not really big time fraud but an indication of how much the voters of Detroit will put up with, which is everything.

  7. I think any registrar who lies like that should be prosecuted for attempted vote suppression, a federal crime. Might make them think twice about trying to manipulate people into not voting, assholes.

  8. [re=91152]Terry[/re]: Nah, they actually have real schools in most of NH, unlike the south with it’s christer madrassas. I’d take IN or OH if they were to try to go for Hopey.

  9. Oh, that’s easy: my own home state, Indiana. Our governor has privatized everything from toll roads to his own actual privates, so don’t be surprised when RepubliComQuest’s new voting machines shockingly give McCain 106% of the popular vote. Of course, the only people upset by this will be us libruls here in Bloomington and all them damn blacks up in Gary, and all we ever do is whine any damn way when maybe if we’d open a damn BIBLE and learn about what BUTT SEX does to you’re SOLE maybe we wouldn’t go to HELL.

  10. The one about college kids losing there get out of war free cards is true. Upon registering they will immediately be sucked into a C.E.R.N black hole and transported to an alternate universe ice planet called Wasillascape.

  11. [re=91159]donner_froh[/re]: Yeah, but in actually fact, that should kinda work for our side this time, yes? Hey, the Repugs got away with murder in 2000, so fair is fair. If they get to steal an election, this time is our turn.

  12. [re=91161]rev_matt_y[/re]: It wouldn’t be the registrar, they aren’t that dense. It’s some stupid 527 bunch who will say anything to get the R’s into office, even if it’s one they hate like McGrampy.

  13. I sort of miss our friend Hanging Chad. Come ruin our democracy all over again, my punch-resistant pal! Resist accpeting the votes of community organizers and people under 29 nation-wide!

  14. Hopey’s got problems all over the map. Let’s face facts.

    Apparently, people prefer to be pandered to (random wht women from middle america) with a token and phony gesture of kinship.

    Apparently, it’s still ok to harbor racist views as a way to decide who to vote for.

    And apparently, the Rethuglicans have galvanized their base to make Obama someone to vote against – not just the opposition.

    I would now like to secede from the Union. And i’m taking Hopey with me.

  15. FUCK! I give up!! You’re right, Walnuts will probably suddenly grow a huge fucking melanoma in the shape of Jesus H on his forehead and it will all be over and then we’ll be stuck in embarrassing situation of praying it doesn’t kill him because then, well guess what, it’s hail to fucking chief mooseslayer! I can’t believe this is happening AGAIN!!!

    I need a break… I’m gonna go surf the email for lolcats.

  16. [re=91162]shoeho[/re]:

    Real schools? Like the ones where rich kids go skiing for four years on Daddy’s dime?

    Our country has problems all over, they’re just dressed up differently from region to region.

  17. Can’t we sell Florida to China to help pay down some of the deficit? Although, I don’t know that the Chinese would fall for that; they’re pretty smart, what with owning us and all.

  18. [re=91176]magic titty[/re]:
    My sense of outrage at being surrounded by dumb racists is making it harder and harder to turn on the snark. I’m finding myself actually caring about this shit.

  19. [re=91136]Jingo[/re]: Except, of course, for the minor exceptions of Michigan, Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa, Colorado, and New Mexico, amounting to a good 34 or so million people and somewhere near 80 electoral votes. Way to go, coastal elitism.

  20. I’ll go for Michigan this year….since I am originally from there, I would gather that all of the Laid Off AUTOWORKERS up there who will vote against their economic self interests for the Republicans will be able to screw things up for us all. (My father in law is one of them, ugh.) I have never seen a state so friggin’ confused (with the exception of Ohio and Florida.) You would think that Michiganders would be tired of Republican Efforts at Union Busting….and the auto companies shutting down plants to ship job overseas…but no….it really comes down to the fact that the blue collar workers want to have beer with Eskimo Barbie.

    As far as my current state goes…South Carolina….obviously, no issues here…will go red because rednecks wrote the book on how to scare voters and keep the black man from voting.

  21. [re=91192]Terry[/re]: EGGGZACTLY! I was referring to the public K-12 ones though. Living in the south (and being half redneck on my momma’s side) I thank my lucky stars that daddy’s job necessitated living in the north for my formative years.

    [re=91194]hockeymom[/re]: Well, they aren’t allowed to use that butterfly thing anymore so they make a mistake and vote for Buchanan. And we actually have paper trail ballots this year, unlike the completely electronic ones of 2004. Unless of course, they lose the ballots.

  22. Why does Wonkette hate the National Enquirer? There’s a perfectly good Track Palin in there that would cheer most of us up.
    Why doesn’t Wonkette every report good news?

    (whether it’s true or not, is a whole ‘nother thing)

  23. …hey guys, lay off FLA a little bit. We managed to get rid of those god forsaken Bush-o-matic voting machines and we now have a paper trail. If anyone is going to screw this up its going to be those bitters up in Pennsylvania! It just makes sense. You had Hillary up there instigating during her whole failed abortion of a campaign. Then you got Ed Rendell fanning the flames, talking about how white people wont vote for Obama. And now we got this senile, incontinent, decrepit, bat-shit crazy retirement home troll

    Fukk you Pennsylvania, ahead of time!

  24. Louisiana. Even after being drowned like a fish wearing lipstick during Katrina by FEMA they are still leaning red on the electoral kindergarten map. And don’t get me started on the vampires…

  25. [re=91163]Doc Swampy[/re]: The Hoosier State is wonderful, isn’t it? Once elected the Ku Klux Klan candidate as governor. For many years 1/3 of your driver’s license renewal fee went to whatever party had the governor’s office. And we’ll always have Dan Quayle who, after Presnidet Chimpy, is the greatest living argument against inherited wealth.

  26. Don’t cut off South Florida, where Barry will do well. And remember, Obama’s boss is named Daley. If anyone should be able to smell dirty election tricks, it should be Richie’s posse.

    The college student threats are an interesting indicator of how scared the GOP is of young voters. Barry needs just three things to win: turnout, turnout and turnout.

  27. [re=91246]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]:
    I agree….turnout of young people is key.
    And if you are 21 years old, male, in really good shape and like long walks on the beach, I’d be happy to drive you to the polling booth.

  28. It will be whichever state that Walnuts absolutely, desperately needs to win the election, so we might be seeing problems in multiple states this time. Look for voting irregularities in Michigan, Florida, Ohio and Pennsylvania with a few minor discrepencies in Idaho and Connecticut so that it doesn’t look so blatantly fucking obvious.

  29. Saw the US off at the Mason-Dixon Line? No way are you lumping the Great State of Maryland in with some of those folks further south. Where do you think the concept of “mid Atlantic” came from? Not South, not North, because frankly all of the rest of you are crazy.

  30. I know it’s craaaaazy..but, I think VA. could step up this year…they kinda booed the frozen piglipsticker when she lied for the @^&28th time!!! about that godamned bridge to whatever…

  31. I’d like to say my home state of Pennsylvania, because both parties here are quite crooked, but I think Michigan’s the one that will fuck Barry. Bonus: Michael Moore’s had will explode.

  32. We must remember the Buchanon Effect.

    Shit! I was trying to find somebody to pick a tubez-fight with for not being funny, but you are all being fucking funny. DAMN you Wonkette. DAMN YOU.

  33. [re=91248]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: Crap. Now I will have to get a golf club and beat the crap out of the next Ford F150 I see with a McCain bumper sticker…in 3, 2, 1…

  34. [re=91211]Schadenfried[/re]: & [re=91237]tunamelt[/re]: & [re=91263]ReelectTilden[/re]: Ahhh, Pennsylvania–where the school districts give the kids a day off for the first day of deer season. I’m not kidding about this–somebody’s gonna bag that 30-point buck someday. If Caribou Barbie showed up wearing camo-and-orange and cradling a .30-06, Walnuts would sweep the state.

    And the old folks are havin’ a hard time figgerin’ out them damn-fool cumpooter touch-screen votin’ machines. They won’t let ya just pull the “Republican” lever and have done already! Ya have ta THINK about who ya wanna vote fer! What kinda evil Communistic shit is this?

  35. [re=91248]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: Good point and all, but Hopey’s got to learn to get out a punchy reply that can be played in ten seconds on the network news. The “uhs” and the asides and the rhetorical pauses make this unbroadcastable (I discover a new adjective!) and a little boring. He needs a little 1/16″ tall production and continuity editor to crawl in his ear (he typed in despair).

  36. [re=91256]WhatTheHeck[/re]: The R’s have kind of kicked Kitty to the curb. I don’t even think they invite her to bring her checkbook to fundraisers anynomore,but she shows up anyway. She insisted on running for Nelson’s senate seat in 06 despite the party telling her “NO,” so they feel justified in tanking her political career, such as it was.

  37. It will be AZ, and not the way you think.

    Our beloved Guv, Janet, is often mentioned as a candidate for Attny General. (she is a former US Attny)

    In AZ, the Secty of State becomes the Guv if the guv leaves office. Now Our current Sety of State, Jan Brewer, is a hard-core Repub. And she wants to be governor. If she waits for Janet’s term to end, she has to go through that whole election crap, and primary Repub elections in AZ are ugly, scary things when an incombent Repub is not involved.

    So, as the person in charge of elections, she will manipulate AZ’s vote for Obama, knowing that Janet will be GONE to DC by January. She then becomes Guv! And witha hard-core Repub guv and a hard-core Repub legislature (and in AZ we have some real whack-jobs in the leg) this state will be TOTALLY FUCKED!

    (Janet and her veto pen have kept AZ from a complete slide into hell)

  38. [re=91305]WadISay[/re]: Unfortunately, I agree with you. The content was all THERE, dammit! The delivery, while filled with all the right vitriol, just isn’t pithy enough. Guy’s gotta learn that the soundbite rules, in this election.

  39. Hoo is Hendrik Hertzberg?! Sounds Jewish, or Panamanian, to me. A friend of Fightin’ Joe Lieberstück? A Naval Academy lover of John Q. McCranky of “Arizona”?

    I read your link and it’s written by another Austrian, Richard L. Hasenbrüecken; wasn’t he the porn director who discovered Ahnold Schwarzenegger in the Vienna Apollo City Sauna? (He does have a slick film industry smile, just like a queer Nazi would.)

    At any rate, whoever are these mysterious foreign agents behind the McExxon-Valdez campaign attempting to smear lipstick on Barry’s phine lips, we are doomed and really ought to turn ourselves in now. The RNC Gestapo (formerly St Paul Police Dep’t) have been photographing everyone at the Democrat rallies and will rendite us extraordinarily come the fifth of November.

  40. oh….p.s. The fuck up state for ’08 will be Colorado. The blue people living along the front range, comprising 49.5% of the state population will predictably vote Obama-Biden. The rest of Colorado – teh gayz at the Air Farce Academy, the homosexual preachers and their callboys, the ranchers, mountain trash and retired resort richtards will all vote for the Eskimo Queen and her tit-lovin’ POW slave.

    The Great Compromise of 2008 will be remembered for how the Democrats gave up the state, and the election, in return for the right to worship as they please. Of course, the Permanent Republican Majority promptly rescinded that right the following year when America invaded the Vatican and placed His Holiness Rick Saddleback on the throne of St Peter.

  41. [re=91222]shoeho[/re]: Au contraire, I grew up in the South, surrounded by Christian conservative underpinnings, and thought my way through all these years. True, I can’t shoot as well as everyone else in the family…

    …but let me assure you, I’m still here in the South, and I was snarking harder on McCain during his speech than Crow T. Robot. McCan’t.

  42. at one point, some of the bigshots in florida tried to build a canal across the state, which would have basically sawed it right in half. luckily they were stopped before the bottom half drifted down into the horse latitudes.

  43. [re=91230]ShamWow[/re]: Yup, it’s LA. I was one of those people who signs you in to vote there, and I can vouch for the black neighborhoods being suspiciously understaffed and overcrowded (people had to wait for over an hour to vote, as opposed to a minute at our table).

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