By the Comics Curmudgeon
When Hillary dropped out of the race a few months ago, many male cartoonists were bereft. Not because they supported her health care policies, you understand, or because they hated and feared hope and change. No, they’re just desperately lonely, and drawing the curves of an ample bosom or shapely behind is as close as they’ll come to a woman’s touch. So when John McCain personally flew to the Ice Planet Hoth to rescue Sarah Palin from her igloo and make her his running mate, the ink-stained classes were all very excited! This week, we bring you the Story of Sarah: In Cartoon Form.
Ever wonder what it’s like inside a traditional home in “Alaska,” our 57th state? Well, now you know! There are just dead fish lying all over the floor, naturally, and bullet-ridden parts of animal carcasses hanging on the wall — and since this is the governor’s mansion, it’s the best house Alaska’s got! At least it has a roof. Also, if you just want to send your kid out to play or pick up a gallon of milk or something, you have to have him wear ice skates and protective gear, because everything is covered with ice outside, and they have to go forty miles to get milk, and it’s polar bear milk, and there’s nobody to play with except penguins! This obviously prepares someone to debate Joe Biden, because they’ve already seen the mouth of hell itself.
Now, it’s true that there isn’t much to do in Alaska, which is why everyone up there has teen sex and gets teen pregnant! Here’s a cartoon based on a popular teen pregnancy movie whose name rhymes with the name of Alaska’s capital, which is a totally original idea that nobody every thought of before. As you can see, it depicts Sarah Palin after having teen sex with Ted Stevens, who has impregnated her with a terrible Earmark baby, which will probably burst out of her stomach and savagely raise deficits, after it slithers off to wherever. Too bad you’re against abortion, Sarah!
Nevertheless, ol’ Walnuts decided that Sarah should be his vice president! Generally speaking, McCain is described as being “intensely loyal” to his staff, and in this cartoon we see exactly what this is a euphemism for. He rewards the staffer who had the thankless job of vetting Palin with the highest honor that he knows how to bestow: thrusting his withered old penis repeatedly into the man’s midsection while rubbing his jowly, Walnutty cheeks against the front of the poor soul’s shirt. This is why he never really fires any of his staffers, even after they fail him! He knows that they wouldn’t survive in the outside world, because of the trauma, and the shame.
Why weren’t Democrats more forceful in speaking out against Palin’s far-right social record and inconsistent attitude towards earmarks? Well, it’s a little known fact that during the Republican National Convention, when the harsh glare of the media is directed fully away from them, Democratic leaders have their own private get-together where they can indulge their furry fetishist lifestyle. It’s hard to give a press conference to talk about policy differences when you’re in a semen-encrusted purple moose costume!
But, as is usual, the Democrats can’t match the GOP when it comes to depravity and perversion. The Republicans dedicated an entire evening of their convention to fur-suit fun! While Sarah refused to don a heavy costume — being in balmy Minnesota rather than her native Alaska, she was as overheated as someone from normal America would have been in the Amazon jungle — she was more than happy to add a little pirate cosplay to the extravaganza of S&M and tusks that the Republicans had scheduled.
Then, at the triumphal conclusion of their convention, the Republicans shot Sarah into space, the end. Hopefully she will land back on Earth before Walnuts dies of an apoplectic fit during a particularly rage-driven section of his inaugural address!