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Do you live in the Washington D.C. metro area? If so, you are probably going to die soon because there is a COUGAR on the prowl. According to Wonkette “Terp” operative “Chris,” security officials at University of Maryland at College Park are warning students that the dreadful monster, this cougar, has been seen hunting students for sustenance. And now it is coming for you and your terrible family!

LOCK UP YR PILLS:

UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND
DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SAFETY
COLLEGE PARK, MARYLAND 20742-6011
EMERGENCY / DIAL 911
http://www.umdps.umd.edu

CAMPUS ALERT

July 31, 2008

There have been several reliable sightings of an animal fitting the description of a cougar on the campus. The description of the sighted cat is: light tan and tawny brown, about 4 feet long with a 4 foot tail, and weighing about 50 pounds. Several sightings have been reported from the area of Cole Field House, near the Clarice Smith Performing Arts Center, and continuing through the wooded areas to the area of the Comcast Center and Arena Drive Garage. There has been no report of aggressive behavior on the part of the animal, but community members are warned that cougars are a predatory species and that, if seen, the animal should not be approached.

If you see the animal, please contact the university police at
301-405-3555. University police are working with other agencies to
remove the animal from the campus area.

This particular species of Cougar likes to finger ducks. We’re all going to die.

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33 COMMENTS

  1. “an animal fitting the description of a cougar”

    4 feet tall and 50 pounds?
    Sounds pretty hot
    not sure what to think of the 4-foot tail, though.

  2. If you look at it the right way, it’s almost a uterus and fallopian tubes. That leaves her nose as the . . . Maybe there’s more to her pet name.

  3. Am I the only one who assumes that WALNUTS! insists that she dress up as a North Vietnamese jailor before they have sex?

    Or what passes for sex for them?

  4. [re=49107]norbizness[/re]: This cougar was formerly doped-up at a zoo; the older prey was probably force-fed by navy-trained zoo-keepers. They used swinging truck nutz hypnosis therapy.

  5. Actually, it turns out that the ‘cougar’ in question is a visiting product merchandiser there to teach liberal blogers how to remove the orange cheese stains from their fingers.

  6. Okay, stop insulting Cindy. I’ll admit, I’ve had crush on her for most of this year. She’s got many of the qualities I look for in woman. Lack of intelligence, substance abuse issues, low self esteem and an underdeveloped sense of smell. That she’s rich and has access to beer 24/7 is icing on the cake.

  7. That cougar should ever to the freshman dorms, where the dining hall slop has fattened them up a bit. I recommend Easton Hall, or possibly Cumberland Hall.

    Avoid the hippie Food Co-op in the student union, unless you like Tempeh-flavored 35-year-old sophomores.

    …. Also, Cole Field House is God’s Own Country, and anyone who disagrees and prefers the Comcast McCenter is a fucking toolbag.

  8. That description doesn’t say anything about the cat having alien death-ray eyes. It’s just one of those piggy-cats from NJ that got loose when their owners were forclosed on.

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