Me want cookie!You know those folks who eat a lot of casseroles and know the first and last names of every contestant on America’s Next Top Model since “Cycle 1,” but do not know how many fingers John McCain has? (Answer: Eleven.) These people are so grossly underinformed that politicians lurve them, and every four years this coveted voting bloc called “Independents” determines who will be our next president. This year, like every year, they do not like their options: or they would not like their options if they knew what they were, which they do not.

A new AP/Yahoo News poll lays out the sad facts for us:

Only 21 percent of independent voters — being targeted by both Obama and Republican John McCain — said they find the election interesting — down from 31 percent in November — and just 7 percent say it’s exciting. About a quarter support each candidate, about 40 percent remain undecided, and half say they could still change their minds.

Barack Obama and John McCain will both appear on Celebrity Apprentice in the fall, and whoever gets fired first will be sent to Guantanamo so that the other dude can get elected.

Independent, uninspired, and undecided [Political Intelligence]

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  • jagorev

    Someone needs to conduct a survey asking these morons to name the Presidential candidates.

  • Studge
  • tunamelt

    Hey, this is just like that new movie.

    Also, how many times can you use a variation on “excite” before killing yourself or buying a thesaurus,

  • ronaldpagan

    I thought the independents were supposed to be all stoked on Obama now that he loves wiretapping and hates late-term abortion. Hmm…maybe it’s time for him to stop being a douche, or I’ll cut his nuts off.

  • freakishlystrong

    “You know those folks who eat a lot of casseroles and know the first and last names of every contestant on America’s Next Top Model since “Cycle 1,””
    GREAT pic…

  • jimh

    As for fingers, WALNUTS! has two in the pink, one in the stink, and plenty left over to save America. That’s all you need to know.

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    Anyone who, by November 3, 2004 didn’t know which ticket they’d be voting for in the 2008 general is too fucking stupid to live, let alone vote.

  • tsunami

    supposedly, this year, many self-described independents are actually
    repugs who are to mortified to admit it.

    THAT’S why independents are confused and stupid this year.

  • Dr. Spaceman

    [re=39390]jimh[/re]: Nice!

  • tsunami

    too, not to…too

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=39390]jimh[/re]: Is that a cuntal reference?

  • DemmeFatale


    It’s those “undecided” m**ther f***ers (one week before the election) that make me want shoot the TV.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    If WALNUTS would just back the repeal of the 13th, 14th and 15th amendments, all this would be over with in a flash.

  • S. Cullen Bonz

    Never went to prom – Check
    Always picked last in kickball – Check
    Call me undecided voter!
    Hey, someone in the media, interview me.

  • user-of-owls

    Someone needs to conduct a survey asking these morons to name the Presidential candidates.

    Too tricky. How about asking them what their own name is?

  • jagorev

    [re=39393]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Hey now, that’s not exactly fair. Kerry, Clinton, and Bush all voted for the Iraq war, so I personally didn’t care much for either of the candidates in 2004, or for the coronation of Hillary Clinton from 2005-2008. I think there are a lot of people like me who were undecided last cycle that Barack Obama has brought into the Democratic fold.

  • Guppy06

    What ’bout us independents that aren’t too keen on either of them right now and plan on voting for the craziest third-party MF they can find (i. e. McKinney)?

  • kapish

    All being a registered independent means in most states is that you don’t have to
    feel guilty about not voting in the primary.

  • Walter Sobchak

    [re=39415]Guppy06[/re]: You’re the ones that are gonna be responsible for the apocalypse after Cindy’s Cunt gets elected in stead of the SCAAAARRRYYY MOOOOOSSSLEEEMM.

  • wonderfulwonderful

    I think “independent” has become a euphemism for people who say they’re undecided just so they can get their names in the paper. They unfortunately think this makes them legitimately interesting.

  • wonderfulwonderful

    [re=39434]wonderfulwonderful[/re]: oh wait, everyone thinks that. :)

  • RuperttheBear

    [re=39393]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: [re=39399]DemmeFatale[/re]: There things fouler in the world than an undecided.

    “This is a Balrog, a demon of the ancient world. This foe is beyond any of you. RUN!”

  • The Lucky Republican

    You know reading this article really makes me want to buy a pair of slim slacks.

  • Scandalabra

    I can’t decide because they’re just so alike on the issues.

  • Guppy06

    [re=39427]Walter Sobchak[/re]: Cool!

    OK, you’re right, I’ll vote for the candidate that protects civil liberties instead. Oh, wait…

  • Deepthroat

    does Inigo Montoya know about this?

  • Inadequate Blackmail

    Not all American problems can be solved with snark. Some have to be solved with sledgehammers. Who’s with me?

  • RuperttheBear

    [re=39547]Inadequate Blackmail[/re]: That’s a kind of drink, right? Hmmm, a nice cold sledgehammer would go down e a s y right about now.

  • Inadequate Blackmail

    [re=39559]RuperttheBear[/re]: I’m with you Rupert. I can’t be assed to figure out what’s actually in a sledgehammer though. But even though I’m still on the clock, I’m going to go grab a beer. Down the hatch, Wonkette.

    Damn sorrows.

  • Lazy Media

    [re=39404]jagorev[/re]: Do what now? Kerry and Clinton voted to give Bush authority (including ground invasion) to resolve an ONGOING CONFLICT (we were bombing their anti-aircraft batteries at least weekly) with Iraq, a position that had the support of about 80-90 percent of Americans. Bush took that as carte blanche to pursue his grand strategy of preemptive invasion/occupation/giveaway to contractors. Kerry and Clinton didn’t vote for THAT, and if you didn’t know that, you might want to check the prescription on your reading glasses.

    Not to mention the different stances on tax policy, environmental policy, civil rights, etc., etc., etc. I guess to a hardcore pacifist, everyone who ISN’T a hardcore pacifist looks the same, but that don’t make it so.

  • HomoPolitico


  • Cicada
  • ladymacbeth

    i like casseroles. what’s wrong with casseroles?

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=39404]jagorev[/re]: Well, by all means, go vote for Nader if hopey turns out to be not adequate to assuage your pure, yet tortured soul.

  • regisgoat

    Actually, it’s the people with absolutely no political opinions beyond, “Politicians, ah, they’re all a bunch of crooks” that baffle me.
    I just saw the Crosby Stills Nash and Young tour movie, and it was hilarious to watch outraged fans leaving their $200 seats because ol’ Neil Young dared perform a song called “Let’s Impeach the President”. They literally were shocked to their bones that CSN & Y were against the war! How dare the performers of “Wooden Ships” and “Ohio” abandon their role as light rock entertainers and question our Great Helmsman’s presidency?
    That’s the kind of people I mean. The kind who take an 8 year long fisting and still have no political opinions.

  • RuperttheBear

    [re=39887]regisgoat[/re]: I hate that song “Our House.” Makes my balls ache.

    I mean “truck nutz”; sorry.

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