The fallout continues over last weekend’s Paultardpalooza festival in Washington D.C., which your Wonketteers bravely attended for seven minutes between episodes of drinking. If you can imagine, many hobbits on Ron Paul Forums are making strained “mental leaps” between fiction and reality. They were already convinced that our Wonkette faction was a deranged militia of “addicts and derelicts” who — much like the British Army several hundred years ago — would shoot at them with muskets, if necessary, to protect George W. Bush’s tea tax. Now they’ve assumed something far more profound: that one of us was this fat, shirtless lout who went around beating up their women and children. And our punishment shall be swift and merciless: they tell us that we are “on the list.” Anything but the list!

Here’s the tragic story and proposed resolution from RPF Senior Member “Oyate”:

I don’t know if our Marshal Kat identified the Wonktard, but we did see one guy that was disruptive beyond the point of political statement.

After he fell over a young lady and almost kicked her young toddler over we decided to take action. Hey, if you want to be a jerk, be a jerk but don’t start knocking over our women and children.

Send this message to every Wonktard on every board: you were and are welcome among us to express your st Amendment rights to free speech, but where we have entered into agreement with our brothers and sisters in uniform to hold a family oriented event, that is exactly what we’re gonna do and your drunk, violent, aggressive and boisterous editor was watched and handled with all care despite the fact that you were being violent and aggressive. So rather than directly accuse you of inciting violence, premeditated violence, and rather than tell you our continuing response, perhaps we should get together for ice cream in a neutral territory. And I don’t mind saying that you should send your women to negotiate because your “braves” were not all that impressive.

Oyate, who struggles to stay on topic for more than six words at a time, adds: “Ladies, we got 10,000 real men who mean what they say and say what they mean. We all make money, we’re not on welfare. Ditch the Wonktard lazy-assed hippy and get with a real man.”

Well. Let’s get the ball rolling by first turning down the ice cream social invitation, for both us and our duped female proxies. Also, we have no idea who this drunk chump kicking children was, but he sounds like he would have been pretty funny, and maybe we should have stayed a little longer. Curses!

Wait a sec… are you talking about this person?

…Because we thought (s)he was rather pleasant!

Oyate eventually reaches a boil:

Big, bald, fat guy, drunk as hell, endangering a family event. Good job Wonkette. I suppose that you are proud of yourselves Wonkette. let it be known, we will never again allow you to endanger our women and our children. Would it were different, we would have protected your right to free speech and we would have babysitted your kids in the best of care and we don’t care whether you agree with us or not.

That’s all I can say. I’m full of rage at you. You allowed your personal grip with us to endanger our women and children.

Oh geez, this is definitely the worst outcome of our little misunderstanding, because we were planning on going out Friday evening, and the first place we were going to look for sitters was Ron. Paul. Forums! But now it’s just this whole big thing and we will never have fun again.

Be Wary of Wonktards [Ron Paul Forums]

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  • Truculent

    We just made the list? Lighten up, Francis.

  • Godless Liberal *

    I was upset enough that I missed free alcohol, but now you tell me you guys had muskets??

    I am dee-pressed.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    our women and children”

    OMG, can it be? Paultards are capable of reproduction?

  • RuperttheBear

    Wait. Addicts and derelicts? What about sodomites, catamites, fetishists, etc.?

  • Spence

    You have a personal grip with the Paultards? Ew.

  • Serolf Divad
  • Serolf Divad

    [re=37439]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: He’s taking about older sisters and younger brothers, most likely.

  • jagorev

    [re=37439]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Not only that, apparently women and children are communal property in Paultard-land. I’m not sure Ayn Rand would approve.

  • irisheyes

    Hey, unfair that you should RSVP on our behalf. We women folk happen to like ice cream.

  • shortsshortsshorts


  • ReelectTilden

    You have to understand, because of their scarcity in the Paultard community, women are as precious as gold.

    Well, not as precious as gold, which they value above all things, but damn close. As precious as every non-specie possession in their moms’ basements, perhaps.

  • nestor

    Uh oh, I don’t think the WONKTARD FAT CATS will be able to pay them of with their worthless FIAT MONEY.

  • irisheyes

    Hey, unfair that you should RSVP on our behalf (typical Brave like behavior). We womenfolk happen to like ice cream.

  • Fata Morgana

    [re=37439]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]:

    Fat bottomed girls make the rockin’ world go round….

  • loudmouthredhead

    What did you have a “grip” so hard on that it endangered women and children?

    [re=37439]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Would you REALLY want to tap he/she/it? A dying breed my friend, or at least lets hope so…*shudder*

  • Anita Cocktail

    Wait a minute. He “almost kicked a toddler”?
    Any real Wonkette wouldn’t have missed. Drunk or no.
    Quit whining and get a fucking life, P-tards.

  • Fata Morgana

    Good Job, Wonkette. I hope you are proud of yourselves, Wonkette. Don’t harsh our buzz, Wonkette!

  • S.Luggo

    Personally, I prefer to knock over children than women. Children are so much smaller and they cry more easily.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Sounds like they’re on to us. I hope nobody tells them about how Wonkette was behind the controlled demolition of WTC 7. Oh, dang.

  • tsunami

    wow. on sunday, i was envious of youse who went, but now i’m glad i didn’t
    go. who knew you could get so rowdy?

    when the knights in lawn sign armour whack your pee-pee with their lawn sign
    swords, you’ll be glad that scotus gave you back your real guns.

  • JeffGoldblum

    Does this mean that we’re not welcome to vacation in Paulville? Fuck. Seriously Jim, stop beating up their women and children. It reflects poorly on all of us.

    p.s. I think they may have confused us with Vikings…

  • loudmouthredhead

    “Ladies, we got 10,000 real men who mean what they say and say what they mean. We all make money, we’re not on welfare. Ditch the Wonktard lazy-assed hippy and get with a real man.”

    That’s it Jim, now you too have to start making meth to get them big, non-taxable bills and make the bitches be all up ons.

  • graceless

    Well, whatever his first language was, it wasn’t English.

  • Paultardville

    [re=37451]irisheyes[/re]: Yes, but the ice cream is flavored with Ron Paul’s tears that he cries when reading the Constitution.

    Couldn’t we just meet at Blimpie’s instead?

  • Walter Sobchak

    Dudes, you better watch out in world of warcraft from now on. That guy’s Night Elf is totally going to kick your Wonkdwarf’s ass if he sees you at the tavern.

    You’ve been warned.

  • Sean O

    So in the intelligent, young, decently in-shape crowd in all of those wonkette photos this weekend was just a ruse? I didn’t know there was a second phantom-group of drunken bald hillbilly lazy hippies who were going toddler kicking.

    If I knew there’d be toddler kicking, I totally would’ve signed up for group 2.

  • Servo

    Laughable. It’s like being threatened by an Ewok.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=37471]Servo[/re]: But the Ewok is fully of Angry.

  • WonksRunAmuck

    The idea of hearing their “continuing response” should have you wonktards shaking in your boots.

  • glamourdammerung

    It takes a real man to talk tough a week later, hiding behind a computer screen. Color me impressed.

    Seriously, if someone was as out of line as they claim, something would have been done. So this sounds like yet more imaginary conspiracy (what is it with Paultards and conspiracies???) as justification for yet more of their impotent nerd-rage.

  • RuperttheBear

    [re=37471]Servo[/re]: Tru dat. Ewoks luv the chirren.

  • FunkyPalmettoBug

    So? I keep a Paultard locked up in my basement so I can start each and every day by kicking him in the jaw.

  • Kaclon

    This is so exciting! A real old-fashioned feud! It is like we are the Dr. Dre to their Eazy-E!

  • Botswana Meat Commission FC

    The Ferrari Money sign is gold Jerry! Gold!

  • gurukalehuru

    Dude, they offered ice cream. Even sodomites, catamites (what’s a catamite?) and fetishists like ice cream, don’t they? I mean, that was a friendly gesture.
    We’re a little crazy, they’re a little crazy, it’s not necessarily the same crazy, but that’s no reason to let the makefunnery elevate into genuine hostility, is it?
    I think a Wonkette v. Paultard Volleyball game would be a real hoot.

  • DemmeFatale

    “our women and children.”

    Way to be patronizing AND condescending at the same time Paultard asshat!!!

  • CometHasTheFloor

    The path of the righteous Doctor is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil Wonktards. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his sister’s keeper and the finder of lost Constitutional whatsits. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious angry those who would attempt to poison and destroy my sisters and kick my toddlers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

    What I mean to say is, don’t tread on my precious, motherfuckers.

  • graceless

    [re=37472]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Not full of angry, full of rage. Ewok rage. Coming soon, to avenge the kicked toddler…

    The Raging Ewok Avengers, Saturday mornings, check your local listings…

  • MrAgro

    [re=37471]Servo[/re]: They’ll keep you tied to spits until Dr. Paul uses his libertarian mind-tricks to convince them you are capable of flight.

  • Rev. Peter Lemonjello

    [re=37476]FunkyPalmettoBug[/re]: Same here. Do you pull an Abu Ghraib on your paultard and throw a copy of Atlas Shrugged in the toilet like I do to mine?

  • DieOnTheTurnpike

    [re=37471]Servo[/re]: Yub yub!

  • RuperttheBear

    [re=37481]gurukalehuru[/re]: I forgot the cenobites. Mea culpa.

  • Anonymous Office Zombie

    Feuding is fun. I can’t wait until the war escalates and the Paultards switch over from constructing and attacking ridiculous, straw men versions of Wonketteers in real life and start constructing and attacking ridiculous, virtual straw men versions of Wonketteers in Second Life.

  • friendlynerd

    Saying “our women and children” makes it sound like even more of a cult than it already is.

  • Terry


    and who knew that the Paultards HAD women and children. Doesn’t living in Mom’s basement and subsisting primarily on Mountain Dew and Cheetos make you sterile?

  • TurdBlossom

    Fellow Braves, we must defend our Honor and launch a full-scale assault on the Paultards!

  • Truculent

    [re=37483]CometHasTheFloor[/re]: Is Dr. Paul the shepherd, or the tyranny of evil men? ‘Cause I hear he’s in a transitional point in his life right now.

  • slavojzizek

    It sounds like this whole thing is a trick to arrange a meeting with Sara K. Smith and Liz Glover. Careful! Paultards haven’t been close to a woman human being since, well, forever.

  • MoodProcessor

    Doesn’t the Wonkette personal grip come with Kung-Fu Action? I mean really, who would kick a toddler if they had Kung-Fu Grip? This is misplaced Tard Rage.

  • Hart88

    This could have been the greatest Triumph the Comic Insult Dog event since the Star Wars convention.

  • tunamelt

    [re=37461]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Wonkette actually kidnapped Elvis and is performing secret tests on him in an underground bunker in Area 51.

  • qwerty42

    well darn. sounds even worse than snakes (which, I assume were all over the place). However, armed with muskets and led by a “Big, bald, fat guy, drunk as hell …” you should have navigated the sea of Paultards safely.

  • ReelectTilden

    [re=37492]friendlynerd[/re]: Wonkette-ites are always trying to sap and impurify Paultards’ precious bodily fluids.

  • 1ofUS

    I chastened by a wagging waddle.

  • JeffGoldblum

    Oyate’s latest genius:

    rip up every flower
    piss on every lawn
    that’s what the Wonktards do
    the screw up every morn’
    they screw up every night
    they screw up every day
    they’re so effective all they do?
    no difference any way.
    now watch to the right and left of you
    and watch behind your back
    you cannot ever know for sure when the Wonktards will attack
    but one thing you know for sure,
    tell you this and you will need no cure,
    only speak the Peace and no delay and
    cannot be violated or even desecrated and see,
    in expiality, it looks easy to us because we are on the bus
    anytime our freedoms are in threat, try to knock it
    anytime our people are in motion, here to rock it
    Gotta go, gotta go, you can try and beat me with your bat

    You can go with this or you can go with that
    You can go with this or you can go with that
    You can go with this or you can go with that
    You can go with this. cause we’re where it’s at.

    Ya’ll loud mouths wanna talk to me?
    Wipe your snot off, wipe your feet.
    Carpet cleaning is costing me.

    (props to Black Sheep, yeah y’all knows what I’m sayin)


  • Bypartizoa

    Man, he’s really into the whole “protecting the women and children” thing like he’s some sort of 1800’s frontiersman. Plus the reference to “braves” is pretty funny. He’s too kind. We’re not braves, we’re drunks. And he talks about “our” women. That’s right, we own them. We’re pimps AND drunks!

  • pierce bottoms

    in the immortal words of President George Bush, “Bring it on, bitches!”

  • CometHasTheFloor

    [re=37494]TurdBlossom[/re]: I might be able to scare up a trebuchet.

  • CometHasTheFloor

    [re=37495]Truculent[/re]: Sure you’re not thinking of Bob Barr?

  • WadISay

    I am surprised you did not get the Declaration of Independence quoted at you:

    He [the Wonktard] has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian savages, whose known rule of warfare, is undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

    The last three references are to toddlers, their women and dumb-assed, respectively.

  • Truculent

    [re=37526]CometHasTheFloor[/re]: He’s the tyranny of evil assholes who refuse to go away. Me and Mr. Nine Millimeter here, we’re trying real hard to be the shepherd.

  • Jim Newell

    [re=37519]pierce bottoms[/re]: Eh, we are still getting over the First War on Paultards (Nov. 2007 — sometime this spring when we forgot about them). Oyate was just too good to resist.

    [re=37518]Bypartizoa[/re]: Yeah that’s something I noticed — they conceive of everything through this late-1700s/agrarian/yeoman lens. They literally think everyone who isn’t a Paultard is a Tory Lobsterback.

  • Borat

    i thought there were some plans to make off with their vigins? anyone pull that off, a la obama campaign staff style?

    ’cause ya all were foolish if you didn’t try to make off with the one in the photo

  • FunkyPalmettoBug

    [re=37486]Rev. Peter Lemonjello[/re]: Nah, I just play Bob Hope’s audio renditions of Paul Krugman’s articles to them in a continual loop.

  • CometHasTheFloor

    [re=37540]Borat[/re]: Dude, she’s, like, twelve.

    Oh wait…different photo.

  • Kaclon

    [re=37516]JeffGoldblum[/re]: Good lord, I was mostly kidding about it being like a rap battle before. Wouldn’t it be funny if this ended up like the finale of “Eight Mile”, except with Ken Layne vs. President Doctor Senator Ron Paul?

  • thefrontpage

    People from both sides should meet in a duel on horses at that Midieval Knights place out at Arundel Mills Mall. Now, that would be funny.

  • Borat

    how come wonkette isnt selling secret decoder rings or other such tokens so we can prove our identities. I mean if you all showed up in purple jump suits or something it would have been clear to separate the good from the bad

  • jagorev

    [re=37529]WadISay[/re]: So Jefferson was a Paultard?

    I guess that means us elitist arugula-eating Wonktards are Hamiltonian Federalists, and the RedStaters are all Tories?

  • Cicada

    I would never, NEVER, assault Paultard women and children. I save all my ass kickin’ for puppies and little old ladies. Ok, sometimes I’ll microwave a kitten if I’m in a really bad mood, but that’s it.

  • WhatTheHeck

    I’m shocked, shocked, I tell you, to find out there’s a drunken lout amongst the Wonkette.

  • The Station Manager

    Let’s get this straight. So we call them “Paultards”, and they come back with “Wonktards”? Isn’t that like calling somebody a jerk, and them coming back with “No, you’re a jerk!”

    Clever. Very clever.

    And does anybody have video or stills of this heroic, shirtless drunk?

  • Bypartizoa

    [re=37540]Borat[/re]: I think they’re all virgins, at least the men. “Their” women were all impregnated by wild Comanches.

  • Delicious

    Big, bald, fat guy, drunk as hell

    That about covers most of the Wonktards.

    Actually, I prefer to be called E-Nerd.

  • PeteJayhawk v2.0

    If they all make money and aren’t on welfare, then what the fuck were they doing camping in DC in July?

  • Paultardville

    I ain’t scared. Getting them to band together and leave their respective basements is a lot to ask, but when you add hunting down all the Wonketeers … that sounds like work, like, say, a job.

  • Fata Morgana


    Only if we brought knives….

  • CometHasTheFloor

    [re=37572]Delicious[/re]: Dibs on iTard.

  • RuperttheBear

    [re=37521]CometHasTheFloor[/re]: “Thunderbolt! Thunderbolt! Thunderbolt!”

  • 1ofUS

    Wonktard is anagrammatic with drank two. Two jumbo mcliters, no doubt.

  • Maus


    I always knew Paultards had a soft spot for Scientology after Dear Leader campaigned for their legislation.

  • Cicada

    “Ditch the Wonktard lazy-assed hippy and get with a real man.”

    Oh, the thought of a big, strong Paultard sweeping little ol’ me off my feet. Ah think Ah’m gettin’ the vapors *swoon*.

  • FunkyPalmettoBug

    [re=37614]Cicada[/re]: “Hey baby, are you into some free market sex? Basically, we hook up, and I get to fuck the girl with the biggest tits I find…”

  • whorediamondsareforever

    This is ridiculous. You could easily make out the *Wonkettes* of the group. We were wearing our Hillary for King of Puerto Rico shirts.

    Oh, wait…that was just me.

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=37538]Jim Newell[/re]: Is this like the Punic Wars, where after two series of drawn out campaigns we finally get tired of them and obliterate Paultardville in a massive siege? Because that sounds like fun!

  • whiteasasheet

    I am SO proud of you guys.

  • Wee Mousie

    I am shocked. I hadn’t realized that “First Amendment” rights had deteriorated to only “st Amendment” rights.

    I think it was an obvious typo. Where you wrote “our duped female proxies” you erroneously placed a “p” where you should have put a “d.”

  • sockmonkeymurder

    Does anyone have a picture of this fat,drunken and, for the love of god, BALD man kicking babies and whatever? Some video would be even better. Just to, you know, verify that it was Wonkette staff and everything.

  • darbyogill

    Poor Paultards. They must not have teh real Inter-webs, or else they could visit Wonkette and see that Jim is many things, but not BALD!

  • CometHasTheFloor

    Paultards: A thousand nations of the rEVOLution descend upon you. Our arrows will blot out the sun!
    Wonktards: Then we will fight in the shade.
    Neotards: Whatevs.

  • EcceNerdo

    Hm- I’m big, bald, and was drunk there- and I do enjoy kicking babies! The only thing is, I’m pretty sure I would have remembered kicking babies. I haven’t forgotten drunk sex yet, which leads me to believe I wouldn’t forget drunk baby kicking. I’ll be most disappointed if I forgot about that.

  • Donkey Sauce

    ‘Where is that marvelous ape?’

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=37448]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: “I’m full of rage at you” is my new favorite saying.

    [re=37664]sockmonkeymurder[/re]: You’re asking if Paultards took pictures? Have you seen how much they struggle with the hand-lettered poster board signage? I’m afraid pictures are a bit beyond them.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=37491]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: OMG, I snarfed my Diet Coke. Loveyou.

  • Dr. Spaceman

    It was Karl Rove.

  • CometHasTheFloor

    [re=37696]EcceNerdo[/re]: Wait, there were drunk babies?

    This just gets better and better. Curse my incorrect choice of coasts…

  • sezme

    Bemused Paultard to Wonktard: “You let your women wear clothes?”

  • C-5

    [re=37619]FunkyPalmettoBug[/re]: I suspect a Paultard seduction would go a little more like this.

  • snig

    Moran. It was most likely Karl Rove wearing a, well, Karl Rove costume, trying to foment conflict between the last two bastions of freedom. If you want to see if the person is from this board or a Paultard, get right in there face an whisper “Dr. Paul sucks Truck Nutz”. If they look all pouty and cross, it’s a Paultard, if they get all giggly, it’s one of us. Law of averages (12 of us, 10,000+ of them) probably means not us, especially considering that all the Wonkette menace who participated had their pictures posted on the site…

  • wonk_the_heck

    that was no kid. can you say agent provocateur?

    learn to protect yourself:

  • Marcel Parcells

    I’m just upset we ruined our chance to let him “babysitted” our kids. They could have taught him english.

  • BadNewsJack

    we’re not only derelicts and addicts, we’re also No Goodniks, Rabble Rousers, Punks, Ne’er do wells, Idlers, Layabouts, Ragamuffins. Am I missing anything?

  • freeradical

    Ya see, in Paultardland, it is pre-19th Amendment (the Founding Fathers didn’t want any bytches voting!!!) so “their” women and children are property….

  • CometHasTheFloor

    [re=37769]BadNewsJack[/re]: I think you’ve got it pretty well covered, though based on this kinda funny game/1920s-homage I’ve been playing called Dangerous High School Girls in Trouble, we may also be closeted fans of pogo sticks.

  • Gopherit v2.0

    I have no “personal grip” on any Paultard. In truth, the whole idea leaves me a bit nauseous.

    I guess if a Wonketteer turns up dead with cheeto-stained hand prints around their necks, we know who t talk to.

    And stop tryin’ to steal our wimmin!!

  • BadNewsJack

    How dare they try and flatter us with iced milk. What are we, in the third grade again? Why should we go out for ice cream with them when we could just as easily knock a kid down and steal their ice cream, since that is our MO.

  • Clovis

    “… You allowed your personal grip with us …”

    If this is so, then Wonktards definitely should get a grip.

  • Outstando

    It’s like these guys have a genetic yearning for an Oregon Country Fair, but don’t know where to find it, so they just stand out in an open field looking forlorn, arms crossed and akimbo. Mushrooms and naked hippie chicks in gold body paint would just blow their minds.

    But that’s a lateral move anyway. My bloodlust has been aroused, and so I must dust off the Lord Humongous costume, pay the back rent on my storage unit holding my barbed dune buggy, and see if I can track down that little kid with the killer boomerang.

    They’re fighting King George III and the Pontius Pilate who wants to crucify them on a cross of gold. I’m bringing the ass kicking of the future apocalypse. Place your bets.

  • arty.morty

    [re=37449]ReelectTilden[/re]: You have to understand, because of their scarcity in the Paultard community, women are as precious as gold.

    Could it be that this is related to their habit of dividing us into “yours” and “ours”? As if we’re textiles, and they are, uh… bath towel monogrammers? … or, you know, Hitler?

    Suggestion: In light of the “late-1700s/agrarian/yeoman lens,” perchance it would be helpful to address Paultards in Ye Olde English henceforth; what sayeth ye, fellow Tories?

  • Mediahohoho

    I’ll admit it, I am fat and bald and I was drunk this weekend.

    However, I was being fat, bald and drunk in New York.

    Also, “our women”? Please grow the fuck up.

  • anabellum

    [re=37815]Outstando[/re]: wow…She-Ra here…can i ride bitch seat?…

  • Outstando

    [re=37858]anabellum[/re]: How do you feel about collars?

  • BadNewsJack

    I forgot to mention Hooligans.

  • JeffGoldblum

    I have some terribly bad news. I’ve been rejected from the Ron Paul Forums. I just got the news (an owl flew into my office with a scroll in its beak):

    “Dear Ғ®ΣΣ_třμ¢ĸ_иuтZ,

    Thank you for your interest in our forum dedicated to winning the presidential election for Dr. Paul. Unfortunately some usernames can not be allowed as they will be too disruptive to the productive goals of our very diverse user community. Forum discussion however is very open and does not have the same standards as usernames. Time is short in this campaign so some standards are necessary. Our apologies for any inconvenience this may have caused, you are more than welcome to re-register with a more suitable username as we move this country into an era of freedom, peace and prosperity.

    Thanks again.


    This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Ever.

  • FunkyPalmettoBug

    [re=37906]JeffGoldblum[/re]: Ironically, they reject you on the basis of your name. So there’s not even total freedom on the Paultard forums.

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=37906]JeffGoldblum[/re]: How could their bots possibly have screened that? Do they have something against commie russians!?!?!?!?

  • Sheepeater

    [re=37474]glamourdammerung[/re]: There is actually footage of said event, from a convenient spot on the opposite grassy knoll. Black helicopters grabbed the loutish Wonktard back to the secret Wonkette home base under the Elipse. Unfortunately, a powerful international cabal stole the footage from the brave Paultard before he could sync it with the mighty power of YouTube, or save the women and children from their doom.

  • anabellum

    [re=37874]Outstando[/re]: Man, Woman, Collar, Dunebuggy…its the natural order of things…what more is there to discuss?…

  • Redhead

    “I’m full of rage at you. You allowed your personal grip with us to endanger our women and children.”

    oyate… Ed Hale? The indignant anger (not to mention the spelling) seem to be on the same level…

  • Darehead

    [re=37919]FunkyPalmettoBug[/re]: It’s hard to get on any Paultard blog, but mimicry helps. Hints:
    1. Try using the phrase, “RP is the ONLY candidate who….” often.
    2. Always write “Dr.” or “The Good Doctor” in front of Ron Paul.
    3. Use lots of caps of course, and use your spellchecker to make sure you are not spelling too many words correctly.
    4. Parade your victimization, and RP’s victimization, against the forces of the MSM, mainstream politics and the evil Wonkette.
    5. Close with the line, “Go, Ron Paul!”

  • S. Cullen Bonz

    I didn’t know Britney Spears supported Ron Paul.

  • Darehead

    [re=37906]JeffGoldblum[/re]: I loved your username, haha!
    Paultard forum: “Our very diverse user community.” Right! What is Paultard “diversity” anyway?

    Some eat their Wonderbread with only the Velveeta, and others combine Velveeta with Miracle Whip, and still others with Mayonnaise? Some will vote for Chuck Baldwin, some will write in “RP” and still others will stay home?

  • ChatteringClass

    [re=37481]gurukalehuru[/re]: cat·a·mite /ˈkætəˌmaɪt/ (kat-uh-mahyt)
    –noun a boy or youth who is in a sexual relationship with a man.
    (Origin: 1585–95; < L Catamītus < Etruscan Catmite < Gk Ganymdés Ganymede)

    Not afraid to be servicey! (To steal a Gawker post tag)

  • FunkyPalmettoBug

    [re=38003]Darehead[/re]: So, briefly:


  • wonkette8

    oh no… you guys made it to youtube

  • Darehead

    Voila, the revenge.

    Ah, junior high. How good it was to get out. You will too, someday, Paultards.

  • Squiggyfm

    Seeing as how Ron Paul likes to play make believe that it’s 1789, he’s Washington, and he can actually become President both him and his dozens of supporters should respect the notion of women and children first!

    Now, if you will excuse me, I have to be full of rage at a houseplant.

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=38053]Darehead[/re]: What the hell is wrong with my eyebrows!?!??! Is that REALLY the best they can come up with against me? People compliment them all the time, indeed, I love them. Wow, that was the dumbest piece of elementary-school-yard I’m-being-serious-and-petty-and-not-funny-at-all shit I have ever seen. I’m flattered!

  • FunkyPalmettoBug

    [re=38053]Darehead[/re]: Seriously, is that the best they can do? Really?

  • Darehead

    [re=38057]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: [re=38065]FunkyPalmettoBug[/re]: Yeah, they got nuttin! Unless Jim really is doin’ Arianna, then that might be sometin’. Otherwise, Wonkette wins. Yay! (I like the brows too. As long as they are plural.)

  • sanantonerose

    What’s with the “our women and children” shit? Do the Paultards live in a commune and have to share their women? And children?

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=38071]Darehead[/re]: I mean, I don’t deny that I’m a bit of a narcissist, but they definitely are plural, and distinctly so.

    Jim & Arianna?!?!?! Well, she certainly is a cougar… and he’s something like a modern Simon Le Bon (after a few dozen beers).

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=38071]Darehead[/re]: Even better: they deleted my snarky comment about the video! LMAO dumbasses need to grow a skin.

  • Darehead

    [re=38079]sanantonerose[/re]: That’s why they call it Pauligamy.

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=38089]Darehead[/re]: WIN.

  • FunkyPalmettoBug

    [re=38080]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: Has Huff had ANYTHING to do with Wonk?

    [re=38079]sanantonerose[/re]: So much for the free market sex….

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=38102]FunkyPalmettoBug[/re]: Do we dare ask Jim for the answer?

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=38102]FunkyPalmettoBug[/re]: Free market rules still apply – dowries, after all, are paid in gold, and those with the most gold have the greatest access to available suitors.

  • FunkyPalmettoBug

    [re=38104]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: Umm….feel free to lol

  • FunkyPalmettoBug

    [re=38105]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: “I’ll give you 750 ameros and this fertile cow for Scarlett Johansson!”

  • Darehead

    [re=38104]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: Maybe’s he’s down at Asian Spice, with the other editors, sampling all of our Wonkettini recipes. Mmmm. In Wonkettini veritas.

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=38115]Darehead[/re]: Hmm… if i weren’t broke at the moment I’d grab a taxi that no longer exists in this part of town and get myself down there to check. And probably do some sampling myself.

    [re=38111]FunkyPalmettoBug[/re]: I require two pregnant cows and ten bars of gold-pressed latinum. None of this non-specie credit shit. Acceptable alternatives include nothing.

  • Outstando

    [re=37981]anabellum[/re]: I can promise you safe passage through the Wasteland.

  • FunkyPalmettoBug

    [re=38117]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: She has the birthing hips…10 camels and a million dollars of Confederate script.

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=38120]FunkyPalmettoBug[/re]: Two questions: Did these camels win a beauty contest? And are any collectors (most likely to be paultards) bidding for the script?

  • FunkyPalmettoBug

    [re=38123]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: They won a beauty contest…in Guatemala. As for the script…I don’t want to spill any secrets…but you might need it if you live south of Manassas…..soon.

  • Jim Newell

    [re=38104]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: Mostly everything in that video was hilarious, except the part where they call Sara a “Mansexual” because that’s just a boring statement of fact. As for Huff — the girl on the floor typing is Liz Glover, and because these video makers are retarded, they took a screencap of Arianna Huffington as Liz was interviewing her. I also liked the section devoted to Alex Pareene, who hasn’t written for this site in almost a year.

    They think that this will really hurt our feelings, by finding pictures of us and using almost satirically immature hyperbole to describe us. You know, I would get a taste of my own medicine and feel bad for everything I’ve ever written about retards or their pictures. Their “clumsy” execution aside, they represent this new strand of losers who can no longer tell the difference between the Internet and their own tangible human lives. If they knew the difference, they would realize that what some asshole you’ve never met and never will meet writes about you on a stupid website or in a cheap YouTube video should not affect you at all.

  • Darehead

    [re=38129]Jim Newell[/re]: Sticks and stones will break my bones but ‘Tards will never hurt me!

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=38129]Jim Newell[/re]: This answers most questions, but not all…. WHAT IS the Wonkettini????? And how soon can we start distribution to all our members?

  • accidental_tourist

    Good thing Dr. Paul is an Ob/Gyn because the bikini chick with the peroxide Shirley Temple curls and the Raggedy Ann rouged cheeks looks ready to pop one out any second.

    “God did not design the human being to have a belly bigger than his/her chest.” (I forget who said it, someone profound, I’m sure).

  • accidental_tourist

    Also, glasses hanging from a string around the neck is so very great-grandma-ish, not quite in tune with “I’m too sexy for my shirt”

  • RuperttheBear

    [re=38155]Darehead[/re]: Still, let’s flag it. Jus cuz.

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