What dark human vice was engaged herein, June 12, 2008, among Wonketteers and thine ilk?


Aye. Before welcoming Ron Paul’s veritable plethora of elitist followers to Washington D.C. for their rally, your Wonkette visited that fine Capitol Hill establishment, the Tune Inn, to imbibe at 9:30 a.m. We had about 15-20 Great Humans show up, meaning another 15-20 RSVPed and SLEPT INSTEAD, meaning they didn’t get free alcohol or egg sandwiches. Wonkette proprietor Ken Layne paid for all of this, although he couldn’t be in attendance, because he has tuberculosis and also lives in some fake death tundra in California. Wonkette videographer Liz “Polaroid” Glover also announced last minute (a.k.a. the first time she was asked) that she wouldn’t be able to make it. Yours truly knew this the night before but didn’t tell anyone, because then no one would have shown up. Like Barack Obama, we are moving to the Center with our lies.

Cue the Reservoir Dogs music and slow-motion:

But that was later, when we were all various stages of “hammered.”

Our eclectic group included a lawyer, a “corporate trade lobbyist,” a summer intern, a staffer for a very “important” Senator, an HIV researcher, a former Bush White House employee, a tree hugger, a Daily Kos commenter, Wonkette’s brother, and some kind of Mexican or other. We hesitate to mention that many of these ghosts revealed themselves to be Liberals over the course of our slurred conversation. By and large, however, these folks kept their terrible opinions to themselves and thank god for that.

Here are some shots of our fearless coterie:


Here’s one of our bartenders, too, and her name is Kate. She, along with the white-bearded pirate guy, bartended quite thoroughly and earned themselves a 20% tip (for which Ken Layne also paid, although he doesn’t know it yet!)

We enjoyed “The Regulars” at the Tune Inn, such as this Dapper Dan.

Thank you to Wonkette tree-hugger operative “Noah” for making a series of signs, including this, the “gold standard” of Wonkette Calligraphy(TM).

Another lovely Wonketteer must know Barack Obama, because she speaks Arabic. She wrote “Truck Nutz” in Muslim on this sign. May Jesus have mercy on her soul.

Here we are after leaving the bar en route to the shire to meet the hobbits. Within minutes, your Wonkette Paultardpaloozians will sweat out all alcohol/liquid in their bodies because WASHINGTON IS A FUCKING FROG SWAMP IN THE SAHARA AND DEATH VALLEY COMBINED.

Drunk retards.

Front row signs. Thank you Dr. Paul for taking the photo!!!

Who’s that fucking insane person? No, not Uncle Sam with the phone; the one on the right! That’s David Weigel of libertarian fishwrapper Reason. Weigel unwittingly interviewed Wonkette’s brother, but Wonkette’s brother bravely “stayed in character” as commanded. We also met with Journalists from the Nation Journal‘s Hotline — again, in character — and hopefully like 20 or 50 other newspapers.

At some point, we got so dehydrated that we morphed into heavy-set black fellows and napped on the ground.

After like seven minutes, we asked ourselves why the fuck we were at a Ron Paul Rally, and proceeded to Capitol Lounge to eat cheeseburgers and such things. We drank beer.

Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran…

Thank you to Wonkette operatives Nick, Hannah, Melanie, Taylor, and others for sending these fantastic photos after your Wonkette left its camera at home.

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  1. wow. better than i could have possibly imagined. ya’ll look great. i’ll have to go through the photos again and again to try to identify you for my secret government database project, but don’t worry about that.

    in that last photo, is some guy in the background protesting Tyvek(tm) Home Wrap? Or is he supporting it? you never can tell with those capitalist scientists who decided homes need to be wrapped for christmas.

  2. Camel Nutz FTW.

    Awesome. Wish I lived — erm, was visiting — in D.C. for this. I was there last July, too. Why couldn’t the Paultards make this an annual deal (starting last year)?

    /remains shocked the 1st Paultardpalooza occurred on opening weekend for Hellboy 2
    //would still take Paultards over Perry Ferrell &/or Ryan Schreiber (Pitchfork maven, not the Washington-area residents of same name); the “real” Lolla & Pitchfork fests are a blight on my fair midwest

  3. you do all look good. who knew? i would easily have been the oldest person
    there (a la the bartender). you’ll all get old too, if you’re lucky.

  4. Wild photo story. The stand-out character was the ginger lad with the glasses. Photo No. 5: sitting on a stool all by himself, miserable face. Will someone join him? No. 6: Hurrah, a woman has rescued him. Will he cheer up? No. 9: depressed, even though he is doing shots. Everyone else in good mood. Continues to look miserable until second last photo. Possible smile evident. Last photo: back to typical whining America face. Vote McCain 08.

  5. Where did all of the girls go in the last picture? Were they captured by Paultards and forced to pray to the Gold Standard?

  6. [re=35077]graceless[/re]: It’s Darth Vader in reverse. Voice of James Earl Jones, but inside that suit — WOODY ALLEN.

    /knows that Woody was not in Star Wars
    //would have been great if he were

  7. [re=35081]columnv[/re]: It was a complicated process, so let’s just say it involved a reverse gang-bang with the Singin’ Senators (though with Lindsay Graham replacing Jim Jeffords).

  8. That red haired dude, the one Newell crowned a complete fucking douchebag, also looks like the one amongst you who be most likely to roll me for all I had in a Dungeons and Dragons square-off, the one most likely to have been picked up by a parent afterward and the one most likely to be hooked on some sort of stinky, oozy ear medicine. WEEZER ROOLZ!!!

  9. You went to a bar that doesn’t have pickled eggs? Fuckin’ elitists!
    Two vices in one sitting…..booze and scratch lottery tickets.
    What a primer. You arrived at the bar at 9:30, by 11:25 the shots are coming around.
    Do I see NASCAR on the television? Jeee-zus!

  10. y’all look fabulous…but didn’t you notice the devil people in your

    OK, maybe kate the bartender distracted you with boozwe, [i’d do her],
    but how in hell did you miss the guy in the yellow hillary shirt?

    how many of you did he “inexplicably” convert to paulism?
    tell the truth.

  11. See, I wondered about that right before I hit “Submit.” Sorry, Sir! Take it in the right spirit, though. If it makes you feel better, the medication I take for my ear condition is far worse and truth be told I’d win all my money back from you if we ever played Stratego.

  12. [re=35085]Happy Fun Ball[/re]: Got my dungeon master’s guide/ got my twelve-sided die// In the garage, where I feel great/ no one cares about my weight

  13. [re=35086]anabellum[/re]:
    Aren’t those the sandals for people with toenail fungus, massive bunions, and hammertoes?
    I know I just ruined somebody’s snack. Sorry.

  14. [re=35103]tsunami[/re]: in the polite sense hon….ya see i is scared ta death that masser will find out what a dirty mouth dis her girl has….

  15. But seriously folks, it looks like it was a lot of fun. Also, as a faggot, I can see there were quite a few hotties there. Yes I’m lowering the tone, but that’s what we do.

  16. I like to shout out loud and moon the crowd
    while I’m dancin’ on the bar
    then go out to the parking lot
    and piss on all the cars

    Oh, you outta go with me when I go out drinkin’
    always have myself a real good time

  17. Aw, you look like a fun group, wish I woulda been there! But I know there will be plenty more ridiculous rallies to crash in the future…. When is Naderpalooza?

  18. this “photos” are obviously a sinister amalgamation of some left/right wing plot that will soon be the cover of The New Yorker. i couldn’t have drawn it better myself.

  19. [re=35107]wheelie[/re]: yah, can i echo what wheelie said? thanks.

    also, newell looks a lot more like auberon waugh than i thought he might. how very depressing to have missed this.

  20. [re=35120]tsunami[/re]:
    I feel pretty,
    Oh, so pretty,
    I feel pretty and witty and bright!
    And I pity
    Any girl who isn’t me tonight.

    I feel charming,
    Oh, so charming
    It’s alarming how charming I feel!
    And so pretty
    That I hardly can believe I’m real.

  21. Yes! Black people! See, we really do love freedom. Jim, had you bought those guys a couple of Ben’s Chili Cheese Half Smokes after the speech, you would have had bodyguards for life.

  22. It was so nice of you to send your body doubles out to the Paultardpalooza! There’s NO WAY that the Wonkette community looks that young and promising (and sober, for that matter).

  23. [re=35124]anabellum[/re]:

    I’ve grown accustomed to her face. She almost makes the day begin.
    I’ve grown accustomed to the tune that she whistles night and noon.
    Her smiles, her frowns, her ups, her downs are second nature to me now.
    Like breathing out and breathing in. I was serenely independent and content before we met.
    Surely I could always be that way again – and yet
    I’ve grown accustomed to her looks, accustomed to her voice, accustomed to her face.

    well…that took a while.

  24. Do the Tyvek folks pay the Paultards for product placement?

    I was expecting an older, more burnt out crowd from Wonkette. Oh well, another 30 years and y’all will look just like me.

  25. My sign was going to read “Suck My Crank,” intended to be read as a scathing commentary of the dehumanizing influences of industrialization. Also as a way to demonstrate to the assembled hoochies that I am what is known as “fer realz…”

  26. [re=35108]Happy Fun Ball[/re]: I have been a long-time fan. Not in on the ground floor, of course; I wasn’t old enough to go to clubs in L.A. back in ’93, ’94, when the band was starting out & looking to score a deal. But from “Buddy Holly”, onward, yes. & I still remember my naievete, thinking I would be lucky to score a copy of Pinkerton on first-day-of-sale, since I wouldn’t be able to get to Circuit City ’til after 6 p.m. Of course, when I got there, & asked how many copies had sold, the clerk answered, “Three”.

  27. Wow here’s the second comment you’ll probably delete today. You fuckers don’t look ANY better than the “Paultards” you so brazenly BASH on this blog. I see fat, ugly, pimply, skanky miscreants drinking at the bar…I’m assuming that’s the “wonkette crew?” Probably so. Hurts, don’t it?

    By the way if you ever are up for some REAL debate…come to Paltalk to “2WayStreetPolitics” in the Social Issues and Government section. See ya there.

  28. Dammit, I take a 2 week summer class and ignore all the blogs and ALL THE FUN STUFF HAPPENS. I could have so cleaned out Ken’s bank account at 9:30 am. I’m a very good morning alcoholic. (Evening too, but there’s something just special about starting out the day with drunk that opens up my hallow leg.) You all look great, except for that moment of extreme dehydration and sun damage. Not that there’s anything wrong with large black men, but it’s definitely not a good sign to suddenly become one before noon.

  29. [re=35144]JeremiasX[/re]: You, sir, are an unabashed liar. I have not a pound of excess body fat, I am utterly adorable with no pimples, and I can only be described as skanky when I’m on the clock – I will, however, admit to being a miscreant. Indeed, my only defect is the unfortunate flushness brought upon by hearty consumption of alcohol. And the same can be said of all my companions, except for Jim, who is obviously a skank at all hours.

    [re=35107]wheelie[/re]:There were! And I’m not just talking about me ;) If it wasn’t for the fact that the weather completely sapped me of all desire to do anything, I would have used Jim’s $5/tard reward to buy myself a new pair of jeans.

  30. JeremyassX: I think you should calm down. When we all collected fivers for banging your Mom in the reflecting pool, she said you might react this way. And speaking of water, we rode her like she was the last boat to America! Oh ya, see you at paltalk – will you pick me up a low-carb Monster and a package of Ding-Dongs? Thanks.

  31. That was cool. I suck for not going. But at least I aborted some third-trimester homebrew. For states rights. And the Paultards should respect that.

  32. [re=35144]JeremiasX[/re]: Not only do you blame your comment “disappearing” on some conspiracy (as opposed to randomness or your own ineptness), and insult everyone, you then advertise some lame service here.

    You lose the game.

  33. If you missed this event, Ron Paul and Pastor Chuck Baldwin will also keynote the JBS 50th Anniversary Celebration from October 2-5, 2008 in Appleton, Wisconsin. You will probably find more graying Paultards there but they all believe in the same anti-world gummint, anti-democracy, nativist, Consti-patriotism–which after all, the JBS, not Ron Paul, invented.

    ,[re=35178]Lazy Media[/re]: And speaking of destroying the Constitution to save it, this was exactly the thing accomplished by the infamous House Un-American Activities Committee whose mandate was to protect “the form of government guaranteed by our Constitution.” The HUAC of course conducted the most flagrant abuses of American civil liberties as one of the programs now lumped under the rubric, “McCarthyism.” McCarthy, JBS, and HUAC all overlapped with one another and have generally been considered the farthest right of American far right politics.

    Appleton, Wisconsin is also the birthplace of Joseph McCarthy and the anniversary celebration coincides with his 100th birthday in November, 1908. Save the Constitution!!!

  34. Sheesh, y’all are so young.

    Good job on the signage, as it requires something called ‘reading comprehension’ to see the snark. Did anybody catch on that you weren’t, you know, exactly serious?

  35. [re=35186]TGY[/re]: Um, well definitely not the guy who bought that two operatives were supporting John Ashcroft and Jim Gibbons, respectively. The 9/11 Troofer guy didn’t suspect us one bit either. I would say that on the whole, despite the Paul Marshalls’ mission to find and rout all Wonkettism, we were able to successfully infiltrate without raising the alarm.

  36. Good job. I especially appreciate the capture of that majestic beast, the Tune Inn daytime regular, in its natural habitat.

  37. [re=35184]Darehead[/re]: Also, the John Birch Society has their HQ in Appleton.

    Evidently, The Paultards have him confused with John Galt.

  38. Shots rang out in the morning, and I wasn’t there! Dammit! I did toast y’all with a few cold ones under my bamboo, though. Btw, I’d hit all of you.

  39. Sounds like there was a bit of love in the air with tsunami and anabellum… gross. just kidding, we need to create some purebred ‘lil Wonks. Also, i would love to be able to identify some of my favorite ‘ettes with their sweaty drunken faces… WEzl?

  40. [re=35219]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]:
    I meant scars. But lobotomy scrares could be another name for a Paultard. Ha!
    I am an Idiot.

  41. also, the next time there is a Wonkette event that is either air conditioned or during fall or winter I am there. Unfortunately, since i am made of sugar and spice, i would melt in the heat.

  42. Damn.

    There’s only two things in US history for which I wish I’d been present.

    The first is John Brown’s shindig at Harper’s Ferry.

    The second is the Wonketteer uprising.

    Y’all look like you had yourselves some good old fashioned unhealthy fun, without anybody getting hurt.

    One serious omission though. At least if I had come, somebody woulda been photographed with the obligatory Weezer hashpipe. How can ya stand up to The Man without your official Weezer hashpipe? It does not compute!

  43. [re=35197]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: That’s what I thought. They’re not very snark-savvy (read: humorless), so unless you’re carrying a ‘Ron Paul Please Eat a Bag-of-Dicks’ sign, they won’t molest you. And even then they might be thrown off by the word ‘Please’.

  44. [re=35204]FreshCliches[/re]: Yes my reference to JBS was that. I am trying not to say the name since some Wonketters might be too sensitive to read it and many associate the organization with certain types who resemble CCConeheads but the three letters are not really CCCs but something that sounds like C. Anyway Dr. Paul and the Baptist Pastor Baldwin are their keynote speakers and they are clearly the JBS’s favorite candidates.

    Interesting, that John Galt was born in 1957 and the JBS in 1958. Maybe they are related, I wondered, but found this quote in Wiki: Rand: “I consider the Birch Society futile, because they are not for Capitalism but merely against Communism.”

    So, any Wonk-Cheeseheads out there? Please do another uprising in Appleton!

  45. AmericanSpectator: Well see, there ya go! Assumption is TRULY the mother of all fuck-ups isn’t it? LOL

    AnyoneElse: Look, I think it’s pretty damn funny I was able to get such RABID responses to my first two comments on this site. It’s obvious that everyone is so full of HATE at this point that mostly all they are concerned with is TEARING EACH OTHER DOWN. So be it. BUT…when you get tired of all that, and you are really ready to talk about SOLUTIONS, perhaps you’ll consider my offer. As for the “commerce” jab, that’s total BS I don’t get paid for running a room in Paltalk (though it would be nice!) Paltalk is also a FREE chat service (for basic use) so again, no dice. :) Come see us.

  46. I note that barely any preparation, an impromptu pick-up crowd of Wonketters totally trumps the LNS crowd in the “I’d hit it” department. Well done!

  47. Shit, I knew I should not have just walked in and quietly sat down. The bartender even asked me if I was on “the tab with the party”.

    I was the polite asshole in all black who walked in around 10:30, sat down, started writing, chugged a whiskey and left to try and get some sort of write-up out of it.

  48. [re=35268]Darehead[/re]: KKKutItOut, you’re killin’ me here.

    Unless proven otherwise, I am the sole Wonk-Cheesehead. But you’ll see me in Appleton when and only when Dr. Ron Paul, savant savior of the Constitution, takes the oath of office.

    I’ll just stay here in my elitist southern part of the state. We have provisions, and lots of beer.

    (The keyword is survival on The New Frontier.)

  49. [re=35339]JeremiasX[/re]: “AnyoneElse: Look, I think it’s pretty damn funny I was able to get such RABID responses to my first two comments on this site.”

    That tends to happen when you insult people for no good reason. If most Paultards were not autistic or just really dense, they would already know this.

  50. Its apparant Ron Paul’s ideas are so beyond all of you. You can’t handle it.

    You’re all too far gone.

    Whats so terrible about a message of Peace, Human Rights, Leading by Example, not by the Barrel of a Gun? Shame on all of you who find Ron Pauls message something to laugh about. People who stand up for Peace and our Constitution should be encouraged not laughed at. We have a congress who doesn’t represent the people, we have a whitehouse hijacked by the real terrorists, and when people gather peacefully to stand up for their noble ideas, you dare to mock them? What, do you like that we’re over in Iraq and Afghanistan? Do you like the patriot act? Do you like all the wire tapping? Do You like Guantanimo Bay?

    Grow up. And Grow some Brains.

  51. [re=35476]Liberty[/re]: SO by grow some brains do you mean crafting a 15 ft mock constitution, blowing up blimps, and screaming like a bunch of psychotics into microphones? Is that growing up?

    Ron Paul’s little old newsletters prove he’s a racist nut who’s baiting people, you twit. He lost on the Republican ticket, badly I might add, and he lost on the Libertarian ticket to Bob Barr, badly as well. Now he’s still running, and the Constitutionalists won’t even take him. A Ron Paul supporter might have a few ideas right like FISA and increasing Human Rights, but that doesn’t make them a political messiah that all need to bow to.

    I’ll grow up when you all admit that Ron Paul is the anti-thesis of himself. When you all admit that he’s a psychotic fascist, using the gullibility of stoners, idiots and bored, pathetic wana-be-bloggers and net-denziens, I’ll “grow-up”.

  52. Oh, this is all really feisty and stuff for a Monday. I love it! Um, JeremyassX: I’ve seen your little “chat room” before; on Dateline NBC’s To Catch a Predator. And assumptions aren’t all bad. Us Wonks still got laid AND our five dollars. So it was a win-win-still-very-sleepy-Mom proposition.

    To Liberty: You are the Ron Paul voice of reason. So where us Wonkettes haven’t “caught on” to Ron’s ideas because they are “beyond us,” this is one of those times where we’re happy to align ourselves with the other 99.9987% of America that shares the same view.

    Oh, by the way, Liberty, JeremyassX needs you in the Union Station men’s room stall – you’re late.

    Lets start with…

    Pic #3 – (guy in hat) is that dork’s face real? looks like he’s wearing makeup and his eyebrows are either drawn on with a giant sharpie, or he’s wearing a rat on his face

    Pic #5 Nice neck/backhair, came from west virginia to mock Paul supporters? Or are you the hobbit?

    Pic #9 – (the shots) so this is what a bunch of losers look like before a D&D night? I’ve seen cooler bowing teams.. and what are you drinking? Shots of Vodka Cran? No wonder you go by the name Wonkette. bunch of ugly girls turned into a chess team frat? I love the expressions, is that how you look when you have your circle jerk?

    Pic #10 (bartender) Finally, not a dork.

    Pic #15 – To the red headed freak with the articles of confederation sign- dont make fun of anyone unless its behind a keyboard.. it kills the joke

    Ahhh, finally #19, you guys at the bar.. looks like dissapointment at last. So, which one of you blew his brains out?

    You guys couldn’t pay a hot chick to stand near you

    Get Killed, all of you

  54. [re=35485]DominicGwinn[/re]: he didn’t run for libertarian or constitution nomination, just relax spaz, he isn’t running for anything. he is trying to stop us from bombing Iran right now. What is Obama doing or saying about our posturing into war with Iran. Nothing, none of your people are, get with it.

    and fascist?

    my lord, you support obama, right? don’t throw stones in a glass house hippie

  55. Wonkette: This is awesome. There needs to be more of these–and more than 20 brave souls to show up! Next time, there should be 150-200 Wonketters showing up. And by the way, The Tune Inn was perfect–The Tune Inn is, by everyone’s opinion, one of the best bars in Washington, D.C. No contest.

    It’s also great to see that Wonketters are intelligent, smart, creative, sarcastic, funny, theatrical, social–and good-looking (the girls, we mean). No one at LNS can claim any of these accolades. Wonketters even get hot bartenders (the girl, we mean).

    Wonkette proves again that politics, sometimes, can be fun.

    And Paultards are Paultards, at every level.

  56. What can I say, the convenient idiots of the police state engaged in a rally infiltration. J. Edgard would be proud, too bad you didn’t take any crib notes for the FBI. I also love the mildly tasteless statement regarding the heavy set black fellows, it’s so “progressive”. Honestly, this is the kind of nonsense I would expect from the Michele Malkin gang and Congratulations Wonkette, you just proved all those nasty epithets slung by “Paultards” to describe you were true.

  57. Dr. Paul is not a racist. He believes in legalizing marijuana and pardoning those in jail for minor drug offenses. Blacks constitute 54 percent of all persons entering state prisons with a new drug offense conviction. The new statistics also show large racial disparities, with black males incarcerated at a per capita rate six times that of white males. Nearly 11 percent of all black men ages 30 to 34 were behind bars as of June 30, 2007. I think Ron Paul is standing up for people of all races. I haven’t heard Obama addressing this issue. I think he doesn’t care about his brothers rotting in jail for such minor offenses. Think of all the families torn by this. check my stat source.

    I’ll repeat myself again. Grow UP. Making childish insults really show your maturity level.

    And, Ron Paul didn’t want to run as a third party candidate because he understands that 3rd parties don’t have a chance in hell to win. He wanted to participate in the debates so he ran republican to get his ideas known. He wanted to show people how wacked out the republican party has gotten and educate people on what the party really traditionally stood for. He never intended to run third party either, after losing the republican nomination. He said that repeatedly. Get your information straight so you can be taken seriously Dominic.

    Exercising our rights is a grown up thing to do. Going around making fun of others isn’t a grown up way of behaving. People make fun of things they don’t understand.

  58. [re=39167]Liberty[/re]: If you’re going to write an persuasive essay with some obvious research on your opinion and none on the opposition, it’s better to leave out all semblance of research and credibility and just wing it on opinionated statements and emotional stories instead.

    If you were actually an informed voter you’d know that the media (and Jesse Jackson) gave Obama hell for telling African-American males to stand up and show pride in who they are by growing up and being responsible for themselves and their children. He also stated that he believes there should enough federal funding for every black child to be able to attend any state school they desire.

    Also, if “exercising our rights” were a grown up thing to do, every teenager in high school that cusses out their teachers would be the epitome of maturity. In order to make it “grown up,” one has to exercise them responsibly.

    And in continuation of the maturation theme, the tendency to “rebel” or “stick it to the man” and blindly support any anti-establishment position is a trait common in pubescent and hormonal teenagers. This happens for many reasons. Most commonly, teens find that supporting an odd position garners them more attention than supporting something more legitimate. It is also due to the new-found freedom they have, which in turn leads to misinterpretation and abuse of “rights,” which commonly become anything denied by the current establishment.

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