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Not pictured: secret third son, MuskratAs a presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee had no money, staff, or knowledge of foreign policy. He did have an economic policy, but it was the Fair Tax, that famously comical pyramid scheme. So how did he get the second most delegates? Metaphors. Extended metaphors. Millions of extended metaphors about key lime pie and yard work and skinning ducks, or other archetypal aspects of the Average American’s daily life. And now that he wants to be John McCain’s vice president, he has a new metaphor to explain the situation: he wants the football captain to ask him to prom, mostly because he wants to wear a pretty dress.

We all remember high school!

Huckabee suggested questions about whether he might join McCain on the ticket were premature. “You can’t accept an invitation to the prom until the football captain asks you. So I’m not going to go out and buy the outfit just yet,” said Huckabee, according to AFP.

Shit, he’s pregnant.

Huckabee: Demonizing Obama is a ‘fatal mistake’ [CNN]

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58 COMMENTS

  1. What an elitist homosexual! The captain of the baseball team isn’t good enough for Huckabee. No, he’ll only go to the prom with the football captain.

  2. Ah, prom with the football captain. It starts with beer, it ends with date rape, and in between, sucking face during the slow dances. Sucking asymetric, mush-toothed, melanoma-scarred face.

  3. He may not have picked out an outfit but I bet he has written a note to Johnny and made Rudy pass it to him in study hall.

    “Do you like me? YES NO MAYBE”

  4. The highlight of Karaoke night at the Repub Convention will be Old Man and Skinny singing a duet of “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.”

  5. “Captain of the football team?” That implies that McCain is actually popular. I think we’re talking more about a/v club or Math Geeks Anonymous here. In other words, Huck will get McCain to do his homework while he goes off and blows Obama.

  6. He just knows that if he doesn’t get that job, the Huck’n’feed children will run out of food (I assume they’re almost done with those recently-released stray dogs by now). Those boys are frightening enough to make anyone want to go down on Walnuts!

    They HUNGER…..hyuk hyuk

  7. [re=18954]Guppy06[/re]:
    Considering Wally’s placement in like the bottom percentile of his class, he was no Mathlete. He’d be the guy huffing markers in the Art room while Huckleberry gets some punch.

  8. Ah, prom night: To be young, dumb, and full of cum.

    Teh Huckz is like a second string cheerleader angling for the quarterback now in the hopes that it’ll make the noseguard jealous enough to invite her to the real dance in 2012.

  9. If I were Huck, I’d wait and hope that cute manly cowboy, John Cornyn, might still be available– that is, unless he was already going with Jake Gyllenhall or somethin’ . . .

  10. Yeah, Huck, you can’t go to the prom until the football captain asks you. ‘Cause Jeebus knows that football captains were the only guys at my prom.

  11. [re=18949]EnBuenOra[/re]: I’m just waiting for Obama to step up to the podium at some rally and hand his maple whupping stick to a volunteer with the words, “Here, hold my metaphor.”

  12. Mike Huckabee is WAY too likable to be VEEP. WALNUTS must continue down his path to failure in order to fulfill the prophesy of the black man.

  13. Hey, I’ve seen this movie. McAngry’s girlfriend Hillary has him ask Huckles to the prom. Huck gets all dolled up, probably in gingham, and when he shows up at the prom all the cool kids laugh at him. Huck gets superpowers (through prayer most likely) and wreaks horrible, bloody vengeance on the Republican party, and everyone dies a gruesome, painful death. The end.

  14. let’s also not forge the creep factor as the age difference is sort of like your grandpa’s buddy asking to take you to your high school prom.
    but at least it means he’s got a driver’s license.

  15. First of all this is the GOP in 2008 — less “high school” and more “alternative program for pedophiles, druggies and miscreants.” Clearly no room in that metaphor for a football team or a prom. Most likely, Mike meant to use the old saying from Arkansas:

    “You should never use the boys’ bathroom in the gym unless you want the asshole-y son of the principal to pull you in and sodomize you. So I’m not going to go up there, shaking my ass past the door just yet,” said Huckabee, according to AFP.

  16. The only way the fat girl gets to go the prom is if she agrees to man the refreshment table (and give blow jobs in the boys’ room). Lose all the weight you want, Hucky. You will always be the fat girl.

  17. I bet John McCain’s motorcade will slowly pull up to Huck’s house on inauguration day, rolls down the windows and hurl eggs at the poor guy while he’s standing on the porch. WALNUTS! screams “CUNT” and then peels out with the audible laughter of Mittens inside.

  18. I always thought their type spent prom night at the carnival or Monster Truck Rally, amusing themselves by discovering the many alternative uses for corndogs.

  19. I gotta say the best looking one of that Huckabee family is the dog. Man, dems sum Crisco lovin’ piggies, ain’t they? (That was so mean, I’m sorry)

  20. What? All these posts and no one noticed the Blue-Lite special – Buy 3 Mr. Huckabee Shirts, get 2 Mrs. Huckabee shirts for free. (Layaway available…)

  21. So let me get this straight (so to speak), Lane Bryant is the new Vera Wang? I am confused. Also…I said “wang”…heh…heh heh.

  22. [re=19131]loudmouthredhead[/re]: Omar the tent-maker joke. Classic! I was going to do a riff on “bigger than Lulu on HeeHaw” but I wasn’t sure if the Jezebels would whack me or not.

  23. Yeah, that’s her alright. Unless the Huck boys are really, really, really talented with the Ouija board, no chance of them gettin’ jiggy with Lulu. She made the trip upstairs a few years ago to help Mama Cass finish that ham sandwich.

  24. As long as he remembers to wear a dress that accentuates his man cleavage and makeup that hides the fact that he looks like he should be managing a construction rental place on a state highway somewhere, he should be fine.

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