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John McCain’s speech last night — the kickoff to his general election campaign — was, simply, constipated. Whenever he tried to make one of his “zingers,” he started giggling or, as the still to your left shows, he whipped out the ol’ gun-slinger gesture to recognize his four supporters (1:28 into the below clip). There was no Gravitas to his terrible lies this time, and everything was green, and he questioned the government’s need to solve problems while speaking in New Orleans. Did “Cougs” Cindy slip him a percocet, or did old WALNUTS! just spend 10 minutes too long with his ether rag yesterday afternoon? Anyway, check out the comical highlight reel below, which ends with a crescendo of “Th-that’s not ch-ange we can be-ee-lieve in.”

[YouTube]

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  • DoctorCulturae

    Brilliant. Spot on. heh-heh, I’m President Cornholio!

  • MoodProcessor

    “I’m blessed with personal greatness.” Fucking perfection.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Obviously the “gun-slinger” gesture was a signal to his handlers that it was time to change his diapers. And judging from the pained look on his face throughout the speech, I’d say they needed changing several times.

  • RWWiley83

    he’s like Dr. Lesser Evil, Dr. Evil’s unfunny and less sinister (older) brother.

  • Johnny_Zhivago

    Well, at least McCain is the first candidate to address America’s often overlooked dehydration problem.

  • Black Cat

    Maybe the green is because he’s trying to get AFSCME’s support? It’s high time a public worker labor union endorsed a republican that wants to take away their jobs and their healthcare!

  • Electric Zen

    Look, I’ll be honest. I like McCain, and I think the attacks on his age are grossly unfair. But his handlers are fucking idiots if they don’t start managing his stage presence better.

    When he goes into that mechanical laugh-at-his-own-joke, turns to the camera, and flashes that grin filled with twisted yellow teeth, he scares the crap out of me. Looks like the fucking Crypt Keeper.

  • Vanity Smurf

    Looks like even the Log Cabinettes have left the GOP if his people are now intentionally putting him in front of a color that should never appear next to healthy human skin, much less cancer ravaged, scarred and decomposing before our eyes skin.

  • Lord Humungus

    I kept waiting for a Gerald Ford “With Emphasis” moment.

    “That’s not change you can believe in. Give them a shit-eating grin.”

  • slavojzizek

    From his demeanor, I’d say some dehydrated old people could also use a bottle of water.

  • Johnny_Zhivago

    By the way, regarding his pledge to “deliver bottle hot formula to dehydrated babies”, I am sure he’s now earned the wrath of the La Leche League, which is about 10 times more militant than PETA and Greenpeace put together.

  • Johnny_Zhivago

    [re=6536]Black Cat[/re]: The green is to get the support of The Morans.

  • ronaldpagan

    I’m picturing “That’s not change we can believe in” to the tune of “I’ve been workin’ on the railroad”, and I’m loving it! And I don’t understand knocking McCain’s color scheme. I quite like green, and it is the least of his worries.

    Thanks for compiling this Fucknuts clip series for my amusement.

  • roundofapplause

    zzzzzz

  • 1ofUS

    An leedle, wee can to relieve in. Or, a pot you can piss in.

  • Mista Eko

    I think he’s just trying to do his best Cactus Jack impression. The crowds love Mick Foley.

    BANG BANG!

  • V572625694

    This gives me Hope™.

  • Deepthroat

    [re=6531]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]:

    spot. on. Bravo sir.

  • Dr. Feelquestionable

    My God, what is with the man’s teeth?!? They appear to be just floating there in his mouth, not connected to gums of any sort… I’m glad to see here in the light of day that last night’s weed wasn’t playing tricks on me.

    Just run ads which are a close-up of his scary nebulous mouth… much more frightening than any elitist black terrorist.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    http://www.johnmccain.com/Blog/Read.aspx?guid=4d93a2bf-572c-4116-9f94-f29dcfd2ff67

    Wow. WALNUTS! blog allows for dissent, unlike Hillary’s which is, you know,

    SCREW YOU BARRY I AM VOTING FOR RON PAULTARD NOW MWAHHHHH!!!!

    I’m confused.

  • MoodProcessor

    [re=6533]RWWiley83[/re]: Dr. Disgruntled? Random Duty? (spelling optional)

  • shortsshortsshorts

    …and WALNUTS! is the second coming of Christ apparently-

    Posted at 9:10PM on 6/3/08 by DJACOBS
    LOST, YOU SHOULD BE MAD. OBAMA STOLE THE NOMINATION FROM HRC. BHO IS A TYPICAL LEFTWINGNUT TAKING FROM OTHERS TO FURTHER HIS OWN TWISTED ENDS. LIFE WILL CEASE TO EXIST IF HE’S ELECTED PREZ. HAVE YOU MADE YOUR PEACE WITH THE ALMIGHTY? BUT, WAIT!!!!! WHO’S THAT HEROIC PRESENCE BORN TO LEAD? JOHN SYDNEY MCCAIN TO THE RESCUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK GOD. DAVE

  • Vanity Smurf

    The green is to court the Nader vote.

  • Dave J.

    It was really a startlingly bad speech.

    It’s like Nixon vs. JFK in 1960. Nixon won the debates according to people who heard it on the radio box, whereas everyone who saw it on their fancy teevee though JFK won. McCain was an effective politician years ago, but this is a new era. There’s no way he can win an election where every single moment is documented on YouTube.

  • graceless*

    I’m getting a real Mr. Grinch vibe from him…

  • Dave J.

    I like at the very, very end, when he says “Thank you” and almost leaves the stage before one of his handlers hissed “SAY GOD BLESS AMERICA, YOU FOOL!” in his earpiece. He practically had to run back to the podium to through the Jesus freaks a “God bless.”

  • sleepy

    look, i don’t know nuthin’ ’bout birthin’ no babies, but wouldn’t dehydrated babies want bottled *cold* water? you know, like the rest of us?

  • Carrie_Okie

    Oh creepy Christ on a crutch, that video…ack. He’s taken on W’s weird mannerisms that Will Farrell used to mimic so well. The shoulder thing. Ack!

  • Tits_LaRue

    It’s not easy being green… or old… or insane…
    Last night, the contrasts were breathtaking: HIllary The Bitter had her followers entrenched in the bunker with no cell phone access to tell them that she lost, McCain had 128 people bussed in from the local senior center chanting something that sounded like No John McCain!!” in front of a wall of jello…. “…whaaaat? jello time? I’m hungry, is Wheel of Fortune on?” and Barry simply whipped it out and pissed rainbows and sparkles all over both of them.

    So. Fucking. Awesome.

  • Dave J.

    [re=6579]Carrie_Okie[/re]: Yeah, the shoulder thing. I mean, I know it’s an injury from his POW days, but it still does not help him in the charisma department. Kind of like Bob Dole’s arm. Just makes him look old and injured.

  • slavojzizek

    [re=6563]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Puh-leaze. McCain’s people just haven’t figured out the ‘disable comments’ feature on the blog. Amazing he even has one.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Now McCain shouldn’t be blamed for his performance. The crowd was supposed to revive him by clapping for a leader they believed in, but the ten people that McCain could attrack just couldn’t clap loud enough.

    Seriously, the planning meeting for this speech must have been something. “Let’s play to our strengths. Go Grumpy John. And since we cannot get any people who support you or any other Republican in New Orleans, we will just put a big green background behind you. Hey, maybe we can steal some Muslims from that Obama guy. And since your speech will be near bed time on the East Coast, let’s keep that energy level down…, we are telling the audience that anything above a polite golf clap will result in ejection.”

    Even worse than the clapping were the boos. It was like when the old woman boos in The Princess Bride. Maybe McCain should have stayed with his first wife instead of dumping her for Cyndi? Plus you could hear there was one person that was supposed to lead the crowd, since he started first to get the other ten or so people going. It is like Hollywood where they hire someone to laugh in the audience because they assume that no one will get the jokes.

  • metropolitan

    dude! that’s no gunslinger, he’s doing the lynddie england pose!
    http://badgas.co.uk/lynndie/england.jpg

  • Meaux

    Your assignment today, Wonketteers, is to use “ether rag” in a sentence BEFORE happy hour.

  • edgydrifter

    Day 1 of the general campaign, and McAneurysm has a series of microstrokes during his first speech. Methinks the bitters will be paying a lot more attention than they usually do to the GOP VP selection, since this guy is obviously only a Placeholder-in-Chief.

  • DoctorCulturae

    [re=6540]Electric Zen[/re]: I liked Reagan too, because he was a congenial codger, but the policies he oversaw and the “change” he brought was heinous. He set the table for what we have today. I don’t want my sense of McClueless being a decent country-serving American to temper my distaste for what his band of miscreants would continue. If he’s a good guy put him in the O administration as head of the VA. My sense is he’d just stare at it and say gov’t should get out of the helping business. As a libtard & hopey I want more walk that sounds like the talk. McTool is just stale snore air.

  • Dave J.

    I think the “doesn’t know when/when not to smile” thing is going to be the big McCain quirk that all the impersonators pick on. Seriously, he just smiles at random times, regardless of whether he’s talking about something awesome or tragic.

  • Jewdishoowary Square

    When you open your speech with “Thank you and grood evening,” you know it’s not going to go well.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=6591]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: The crowd was supposed to revive him by clapping for a leader they believed in, but the ten people that McCain could attrack just couldn’t clap loud enough.

    Well you know, it is hard to clap when you’ve got both hands with a death grip on the handles of your Zimmer frame.

  • crookedE

    [re=6568]Dave J.[/re]: Agreed. Also, hi-def will not be kind to him. He should always be filmed through a vaseline-coated lens, like Cybill Shepherd on “Moonlighting.”

  • TGY

    Debates should be interesting in hilighting the contrast. Thank you, thank you, JOHN SIDNEY MCCAIN for that speech written by Epic Fail.

    However, he is still white. Er. Whiter. Not teeth, no, but you know. Whatevs. Here in Georgia, we have people who will emigrate to Switzerland ( or so some attest, I kid you not) if Barry’s the next president, and actually it’d be pretty funny to see them try.

    In a way, it doesn’t matter what McCain says or does, since he’s inseperable from a moderate percentage of the voters or vice versa. It merely serves to amuse us.

  • VTBen

    We have suc-seen the success?

  • dumblonde

    So now McCain wants to use the word change? Am I the only one who thinks it’s silly that the party in power uses the word change? Aren’t they admitting a screw up?

  • DoctorCulturae

    [re=6605]TGY[/re]: You may be on to something…. what’s our extradition treaty like with the Swiss?

  • Aurelio

    His handlers did one thing right: he never said, “My friends.” They’ve got him trained.

  • Mabalz Eshari

    “A Leader We Can Believe In” anagram = “Awe, An Evil Leader I Can Be”. I think there is “can die in beaver” somewhere in there, too.

  • StrangelyBrown

    I think the green background was chosen so his SFX people could composite in 17,000 screaming fans in post-production. Unfortunately this plan fell through when George Lucas went public with his Obama endorsement not long ago.

    But seriously, John, why are you ceding the color Blue to Obama? Isn’t that just what Neville Chamberlain did in 1938? Is this the kind of appeasement we can expect from you from now on? WHAT ELSE WILL YOU GIVE AWAY??!11!

  • DoctorCulturae

    [re=6628]StrangelyBrown[/re]: I like it. McSlow the Appeaser.

    On another note, what can he possibly have in mind as “change” when he’s promised to only serve one term?

    I guess his change is…. to continue the previous policies, which as we know the other side will try to tack on him. How illogical of the elite!

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=6628]StrangelyBrown[/re]: I had the same thought, although I thought they would just show a roll of a street so that it would look like McCain was jogging during his speech to make him look energetic.

    Or they could have shown a golf course, so that the very polite clapping would have seemed more appropriate.

  • Tits_LaRue

    [re=6625]Aurelio[/re]: ooooh, but he did say it, right in the beginning… And it hurts each time, like getting heart surgery with a butter knife.

  • ClothCoated

    Johnny McBush really is the “candidate of change.” This is evidenced by the fact that he bears no resemblence whatever to the “Straight Talking Maverick” that took on Governor George W Bush in 2000. The South Carolina assfucking he took from the Bushies completely transformed him into Bush’s Bitch. That’s change you can believe it.

  • bloodsprite

    Ever notice that he sounds like he is reading a kids story …

    Smiling to the kids whenever they are suppose to agree with him and like him, in a “see I am made a funny, you can laugh now” kind of way.

  • StrangelyBrown

    [re=6650]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I think the old “Toonces the Driving Cat” roll would have been most appropriate.

  • Odd Ass City

    Bumper sticker spotted in Atlanta, GA:
    If you’d rather die than see a Black President,
    Now would be a good time!

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=6678]StrangelyBrown[/re]: I was sort of thinking Mike Meyers as “The Middle Age Man.” But either would work.

  • badco/LoJ

    I want to know where to get an instant baby. The dehydrated kind where you just add hot water.

  • Stig O’Hara

    I tried to watch Grandpa’s “speech” last night but just hadn’t drunk enough at that point in the evening. He has quickly caught up to GDub in the “Makes Me Want to Jam Nitting Needles into the Side of My Head” category. And we’ve still got FOUR MONTHS to go!!!!

  • jagorev

    [re=6545]Johnny_Zhivago[/re]: I can’t wait till someone (George Stephanopoulos) asks the candidates where they stand on breastfeeding in public.

  • Stig O’Hara

    ooops…. Knitting Needles…. sorry. First post too. DAMMIT!!!!

  • Mistrez_Mish

    Notice how he turns his head to the side every time he says “That’s not change that we can believe in”. He must be full of it, he’s ashamed to look straight at the camera. Curious…

  • Gopherit v2.0

    ” Think i’ve found a part-time job for Ed McMahon……McCain really needs someone behind him going “Heeey-oooo!” everyonce in a while.

  • Big Al1317

    Ugh! The next President of the United Corporations of America.

  • heathenish

    I tried to watch this speech, OMG it was too painful, after about 3 minutes i had to turn away

  • StrangelyBrown

    [re=6701]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: That’ll segue well into his next attempt at a change-related catchphrase: “Why’d they have to go and CHANGE everything?”

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=6714]jagorev[/re]: Heh. Awesome.

  • heathenish

    how bout obama/ david iglesias ticket? that would be kind of transcending, right?

  • TGY

    [re=6621]DoctorCulturae[/re]: I think one has to have a million-zillion dollars to be considered for even the lowest level of Swiss citizenship, suitable for jobs such as floor sweeping and chocolate wrapping.

  • CthuNHu

    [re=6647]DoctorCulturae[/re]:

    Citizen 1: Ahhh!! It’s the Muslim Menace! Who can save us now?!

    Barry Hussein: No one can save you from my Hope Ray, foolish bitters. Soon ultimate power will be mine, all mine, and I will share nicely.

    Citizen 2: We’re lost! Doomed! He’ll seduce our wives and turn the littluns’ eyes all starry and hopey!

    Citizens: Help! Help!

    Barry Hussein: I’ll help you, all right. I’ll help you until you’re so helped you’re helping other people.

    Citizens: AAAGH!!!

    Offstage voice: Not so fast there, Muslim Menace.

    Barry Hussein: But — who’s that? Who thinks he can stop me?

    Offstage voice: (Shuffling onstage, stage right) That’d be me, my friend.

    Barry Hussein: SLOWMAN!!

    Slowman: Heh-heh. Yeah. Ooh, my back.

    Barry Hussein: Bring it on, Slowy.

    Slowman: Cool your jets, kid. There’s plenty of time. No need to rush. Let’s have a little rest first. (Grips back of park bench, creakily begins to sit down.) Yep, all this rushin’ around, all this change, we don’t need it. Things are just fine, my friend. Jussssst fiiiine.

    Barry Hussein: No. No, it’s not fine. It’s —

    Slowman: Jussssst fiiiine. (Finishes sitting down, falling the last inch and a half and exhaling suddenly.) Ahh, that’s better. You know, there were these two Irish guys — you know, Irish jokes are the only ethnic jokes you can tell now — these two Irish guys in a bar, drinking their beers, and one of them …
    Barry Hussein: No! Not that one again!

    Slowman: … says “hey, you look like you’re from the old country,” and the other guy …

    Barry Hussein: No! Not the babbling!

    Slowman: … but I’ve never seen a sailor, drunk or sober, that could …

    Barry Hussein: Aaagghh!! The pain! Brain … thickening … pulse … slooowing …

    Slowman: …I was hugging a wetback, which was the fashion at the time…

    Barry Hussein: Curse you, Slowman! (Vaults onto unicorn.) I’ll be back! You have to nap sometime! (Rides off, stage center-left)

    Slowman: …not about to sit down with hooligans and — uh, hey, he’s gone! It’s safe now, my friends! You don’t have to hope any more!

    Citizens: Yaaay!!

    Slowman: Now… (squints) …you’re a very pretty girl, why don’t you come over here and give your conquering hero a little kiss?

    Citizens: Aaagghh!!

  • Tra

    [re=6598]Dave J.[/re]:

    I think the “doesn’t know when/when not to smile” thing is going to be the big McCain quirk that all the impersonators pick on. Seriously, he just smiles at random times, regardless of whether he’s talking about something awesome or tragic.

    I thought those were grimaces of agony. Maybe he was passing a kidney stone.

  • bmannes

    The green background contrasted against his aged yellow teeth made me want a sprite. But instead I stayed on the couch waiting for him to tent his fingers and quietly proclaim…”Excellent.”

  • heathenish

    is he NOT wearing a flag pin now?

  • Senhor Tambor

    Agreed. Pretty lame, even for Republicans.

  • JP1999

    This is what it would have been like if Stanley Roper ran for President. Only Norman Fell did this on purpose and was actually good at it.

  • 1ofUS

    Oh noze, bring back the hillarious one: a hundred days of campaigning against this schmo would kill a bear.

  • AxmxZ

    [re=6871]CthuNHu[/re]: Bwah-hah-hah…

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=6835]StrangelyBrown[/re]:

    For what it’s worth, Colbert took us up on the green screen, and is now running a contest. I wonder if you and I get residuals.

  • StrangelyBrown

    [re=7605]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Yeah, I saw that, too. I think we got web-2.0ed.

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