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He hasn’t even beat Mitt Romney (or Ron Paul) for the nomination, yet, but John McCain is still making plans — plans for the end of his “first term” as president of the Senior Center. He just sent us an email filled with all the wonderful things he will bring to America, like a super-old Santa Claus. How will he achieve these fantasies? He doesn’t have any idea! Let’s cringe together, after the jump.

The email comes from, of course, “the desk of John McCain,” wherever that may be, probably on some lobbyists’ Lear Jet. He addresses us, of course, as “My Friends,” and then he promises “what I hope to have achieved at the end of my first term as president.”

* “By January 2013, at the end of my first term as president, America has welcomed home most of the servicemen and women who have sacrificed terribly so that America might be secure in her freedom. The Iraq War has been won and Iraq is a functioning democracy. The threat from a resurgent Taliban in Afghanistan has been greatly reduced but not eliminated and there has not been a major terrorist attack in the United States since September 11, 2001.”
* “The United States has experienced several years of robust economic growth and Americans again have confidence in their economic future.”
* “Public education in the United States is much improved and test scores and graduation rates are rising everywhere in the country.”
* “Health care has become more accessible to more Americans than at any other time in history.”
* “The United States is well on the way to independence from foreign sources of oil; progress that has not only begun to alleviate the environmental threat posed from climate change, but has greatly improved our security as well.”
* “Voluntary national service has grown in popularity in part because of the educational benefits used as incentives, as well as frequent appeals from the bully pulpit of the White House, but mostly because the young Americans understand that true happiness is much greater than the pursuit of pleasure, and can only be found by serving causes greater than self-interest.”

Ugh, that’s enough of that Pollyanna bullshit. That last point is especially comical, coming from Mr. War Hero who refuses to support the Senate’s expansion of GI benefits for, you know, War Heroes.

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