When the Republicans lose virtually every election they run in this November, they will take about two minutes to do some “somber soul-searching” before they elect a whole new generation of corrupt swine to replace the shameful failed old guard. But wait for the shocking twist: the new Republican leadership will have a least a few members who aren’t ancient or gay. Meet your new Republican overlords, after the jump!
Virginia Rep. Eric Cantor: Chief deputy whip, contributes heavily to Republican candidates, made of an amalgam of wood chips and pine tar.
Florida Rep. Adam Putnam: Just 33 years old, mostly potty trained, Jim Newell’s Bizarro twin.
Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan: Politico calls him “affable,” which we assume means “slutty” or “mildly retarded.”
California Rep. Kevin O. McCarthy: A mythical unicorn beast with 16 testicles and a California driver’s license.