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Which do you care about more: football, or global warming? Since both of these are liberal conspiracies, the common answer is usually “freedom.” Nevertheless, the Environment America organization issued a press release today trying to relate to the “average American,” who cannot understand the concept of “the temperatures are always going up and we will soon melt” and need to be patronized with football references. We’ve scanned this fucker up-and-down for red flags, but now we have stopped and assume it’s real. It is called: “Could Global Warming Threaten the Patriots’ and Giants’ Edge?: Rising Temperatures Could Lessen Home Field Advantage Over Warm Weather Rivals.”

Global warming, it appears, is just some other gay politics thing that Americans ignore because it doesn’t affect football scores. But what if it in fact affects football scores?:

While numerous studies have documented the many serious ways in which global warming could harm the country’s environment, economy and quality of life, from more severe heat waves to the spread of infectious diseases, today’s event was intended to show how even the game of football could be altered.

Don’t they all play in domes though, or at least many of them do? Will global warming melt the domes too? Please, tell me more about this cruel beast of Jesus! But don’t forget to include the football metaphors, because then I will continue to not care:

“As if we needed another reason to tackle global warming, now even football could be affected,” said Nathan Willcox, Energy & Clean Air Advocate with Environment America. “Congress must get serious about global warming before rising temperatures fumble away cold weather teams’ home field advantage.”

Wait, WHO FUMBLED? Was it that dandie Eli Manning who fumbled? Oh, yes, the temperature dealy about how it’s going up… please continue:

“Trying to solve global warming with measures that are less than what the science calls for is like the Giants trying to win Sunday with their bench players,” said Willcox. “It’s critical that Congress follows the science so that we have a fighting chance of tackling global warming.”

So if the Patriots, who are not a football team but a natural menace, defeat the Giants, who are Al Gore, then America has failed? We could figure that out already, silly tree people.

Could Global Warming Threaten the Patriots’ and Giants’ Edge? [Environment America]

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