Tag Archives: zombies

  The Walking Dumb

Glenn Beck Knows Why The Walking Dead Is A Hit: It’s The End Of The World And We Know It

Glenn Beck and some of his fans
The shambling, dead-eyed masses lurched forward, drawn, some singly, some in groups, by some inexplicable impulse, to gather in herds of ravening, senseless hunger. They surged mindlessly without stopping, emitting guttural incoherent moans. Bereft of reason, they fed ravenously on the remnants of civilization, destroying everything in their path. It was August 28, 2010, and Glenn Beck’s “Restoring Honor” rally at the Lincoln Memorial was a huge success. Frankly, we like Wonkette’s descriptor for it better: “Glenn Beck’s Miraculous Slob Picnic” Read more on Glenn Beck Knows Why The Walking Dead Is A Hit: It’s The End Of The World And We Know It…
  we never drew first but we drew first blood

Florida Supreme Court To Consider Whether Buttsechs Is Sex: Your (Sexy!) Florida Roundup

Meth is a helluva drug
Greetings, Wonketeers, from the Sunshine State, where it’s presently 70 degrees and there’s nary a cloud in the sky — enjoy your digging out, New England — which almost makes up for us being America’s Yellow Skittle. Almost. Read more on Florida Supreme Court To Consider Whether Buttsechs Is Sex: Your (Sexy!) Florida Roundup…
  bring out your dead

South Carolina Sadly Lacking In Zombie Voters

Zombies are all the rage these days, from the video games kids are playing to teevee shows and movies, you can’t go anywhere to escape them. Not even the voting booth, according to South Carolina lying liar Attorney General Alan Wilson. From the Columbia Free Times: For a while last year, you couldn’t turn on Fox News without seeing S.C. GOP Attorney General Alan Wilson saying things like, “We know for a fact that there are deceased people whose identities are being used in elections in South Carolina.” That’s right people – it was a FACT. Not a rumor, or gossip, or hearsay, or an educated guess based on circumstances, but a stone-cold FACT. If only some state agency would spend 18 months investigating this, so that Attorney General Alan Wilson could pimp a 500-page report to show how correct his statement about facts would turn out to be. A year and a half after a zombie voter fever fell over Republicans in campaign mode, a state police investigation found no indication that anyone purposefully cast a ballot using the name of a dead person in South Carolina. Man, this must be embarrassing for Attorney General Alan Wilson, huh? Let’s sexplore.  Read more on South Carolina Sadly Lacking In Zombie Voters…
  second amendment remedies

Whoops My Gun Room Exploded

We hope you are okay, Amy Wood, wife of Idaho Rep. Fred Wood, since you sustained second-degree burns on your face and hands after your gun room esploded, causing the back patio slab to collapse into the room below. Read more on Whoops My Gun Room Exploded…
  and they will know us by the trail of votes

Texas Declares Living Voters Dead; Will Maybe Not Declare Them Zombies And Shoot Them

Perhaps the single greatest threat to the sanctity of the vote is dead people voting.  We say “perhaps,” because there is an even greater threat: the dead coming back to life and showing up at the polls just because they never actually died to begin with. Thankfully, Texas is on the case! Like all states, Texas regularly purges its rolls of voters who’ve died. Normally, this is a low-key process where the state passes along to the counties a small list of dead voters as they become available. But this massive mailing two months before the election is new. Rich Parsons, a spokesman for the Texas secretary of state, says the state is not targeting anyone but dead voters. […] Parsons says none of this is a problem; voters who’ve been wrongly purged from the rolls can simply show up and vote anyway. Totally fine, right? And what happens to the diligent allegedly living who try to contact the state of Texas to say, “Oh, hey, my heart has not stopped beating yet except for that one time I did a MASSIVE eightball, but that was only for a few seconds and I mainly just lost the ability to do higher-level math”? Read more on Texas Declares Living Voters Dead; Will Maybe Not Declare Them Zombies And Shoot Them…
  rumors on the internets

Good Morning, The Future Is Here!

Welcome, Wonkette readers! Racism is in the past, the CDC is promising there are no zombies, and we’re building weapons to fight aliens! Aren’t you glad the past is over? According to Pew, difference in political opinions is what most divides Americans, rather than race or class. At first, this sounds amazing, because hello? Hooray for being judged based on the content of our character rather than color of our skin (and make of our car)! But the numbers basically say, “We are not getting anything done any time soon.” [Washington Post] Read more on Good Morning, The Future Is Here!…
  bad manners

VA GOPers Send Charming Halloween Picture of Obama Shot In Head

The prankster Republican Committee officials of Loudoun County, Virginia decided to invite families to their local Halloween parade this year with a photo montage featuring Barack Obama with a bullet hole in his head, just to inject a little holiday-themed murder fun into the stale mix of vulgar anti-Obama right-wing mass email tropes. HILARIOUS! Read more on VA GOPers Send Charming Halloween Picture of Obama Shot In Head…
  this is how reagan won remember?

Newt Gingrich Plan For Success: Win The Black Vote Back From Obama

Street-wise Newt Gingrich is the most hip, in-touch guy who ever came up with an idea for winning. Really! Take this latest one: the Obama guy is screwing up so hard employing African-American voters that they are about to defect straight into Newt’s sweaty little red fingers. That is how it works, right? Black people vote for Republicans when Democrats don’t give them jobs? This will be the kind of shrewd political calculus that will save his undead presidential campaign from that last hurtling pickaxe of zombie death to the heart, because Newt will, in his own words, “have the courage to walk into that neighborhood” and convince that guy in that neighborhood (Newt means “the black neighborhood”) that Newt will give him a job. Read more on Newt Gingrich Plan For Success: Win The Black Vote Back From Obama…
  zombieland of 10000 lakes

City of Minneapolis Pays $165k Settlement To Zombies

Minneapolis’ city attorney’s office has agreed to pay a $165,000 settlement to seven people who dressed up as zombies to protest consumerism in 2006. Police had arrested the protesters for what they thought appeared to be a “weapon of mass destruction,” but hilariously was actually an iPod and some equipment to amplify this terrorist mp3 player. They were never charged and were later released to continue annoying the terrorism-hating Minnesota public with their disdain for the sale of fishing lures. Read more on City of Minneapolis Pays $165k Settlement To Zombies…
 

America Secretly Ruled By Zombie Pigs and Khazar Bankers, Says Important Book

Free citizens of America! Is globalism grinding you down and burying you in Ameros? Are Obama’s secret police camped out in your driveway, waiting to haul you off to a FEMA camp? Does the NAFTA Superhighway run straight through your teabag sculpture garden? Got a case of the swine flu and aren’t sure which pig is responsible? The Trillion-Dollar Conspiracy: How the New World Order, Man-Made Diseases, and Zombie Banks Are Destroying America by widely-feted conspiracy journalist Jim Marrs will explain how and why! Read more on America Secretly Ruled By Zombie Pigs and Khazar Bankers, Says Important Book…
  rumors on the internets

DC Metro A Perfect Example Of Why White People Should Buy Cars

A reporter for hot gossip emporium Yeas & Nays was “publicly berated” for asking Sean Penn why he wished a bout of rectal cancer upon her posterior. [Washington Examiner] The ACLU is suing a Mississippi high school that canceled its prom as a precautionary measure intended to discourage lesbian girls from attending its prom. The high school will inevitably argue that this is a perfectly legal thing to do, according to the Patriot Act. [Think Progress] Read more on DC Metro A Perfect Example Of Why White People Should Buy Cars…
  cartoon violence

This Week: Asses

By the Comics CurmudgeonWhat is the most amusing part of the human anatomy? While there are a lot to choose from, I’d have to say the butt, mostly because asses and humor occupy the exact same overlap in the Venn diagram between “sexy” and “gross.” Because our dying media establishment is still clinging to antiquated concepts like “dignity” and “morals” and “for Christ’s sake people don’t want to see naked asses in the newspaper,” most political cartoons do not feature naked asses per se (though there are horrifying exceptions). Nevertheless, political cartoons cannot resist the laugh riot that even the fully clothed booty brings to the table. Read more on This Week: Asses…
  rumors on the internets

Jonah Goldberg Has An Advanced Degree In Zombieology

What is ‘Max Baucus’? We simply do not know. [Matt Yglesias] Today’s RedState lecture: “How Limbaugh’s embodiment of MLK’s dream changed my life.” Please take notes because you’ll be tested on this material at the end of the semester. [RedState] Read more on Jonah Goldberg Has An Advanced Degree In Zombieology…
  cartoon violence

Horrible Terrifying Mutant Nightmare Beasts (And Chuck Schumer)

By the Comics CurmudgeonIt’s absolutely true that politicians are, by and large, hideously ugly. So, if you’re going to get into the political cartooning game, you’re going to have to learn to enjoy inking the minute details of the sagging face-flesh, the terrible combovers, the faces ravaged by decades-old acne scars, the paunches ill-contained by aspirationally sized pants. Yet once cartoonists go down this road, they might find themselves actually enjoying it, like a professional dominatrix who got into the biz for money and finds herself unable to put down the whip in her off hours. (This sometimes happens! I saw it in, uh, a movie.) Anyway, drawing Karl Rove’s second chin no longer has any appeal for these depraved freak-loving artists! In this week’s Cartoon Violence, you’ll see what lies at the end of this very dark path. Read more on Horrible Terrifying Mutant Nightmare Beasts (And Chuck Schumer)…
  apocalypse

ZOMBIES KILL FUNDIES, TAKE OVER WALL STREET BULL

A horde of dead creatures associated with “Zombiecon 2008″ has killed all of the Christians praying to the Wall Street bull and DRENCHED IT IN THEIR DEATH BLOOD, omg, Video Fridays are the best. This is completely terrifying and you will die just by watching it. [YouTube] Read more on ZOMBIES KILL FUNDIES, TAKE OVER WALL STREET BULL…
  manchurian candidates

Is John McCain the Secret Communist?!

If there’s one thing nutty klanslady Sarah Palin is a-scared of, it is the Communist Threat. (And Katie Couric.) While there is no evidence of an actual communist country on Earth outside of, say, Cuba and … let’s see, that child army of Marxists or whatever in Nepal, it is still highly probable that a secret Communist could somehow win the presidency of our god-fearing anti-Communist country, America, and then covertly turn us all into Mao-worshiping Soviets! But which of our great presidential candidates in ’08 maybe has some “lost years” when the Communists maybe prepared him for this stealth takeover of the USA? Hmmm? Or should we say, HEHNGHH? Read more on Is John McCain the Secret Communist?!…