Tag Archives: youtube

  Yr Wonkette woke up like dis

Happy Birthday Beyoncé, Mike Huckabee Still Thinks You’re A Whore!

Happy Bey-Day, Mike Huckabee's archnemesis!
Happy Bey-Day, Mike Huckabee’s archnemesis! BREAKING NEWS, GUYS. On this day in (year redacted because TIMELESS, but also 1981), Beyoncé Knowles was bornded, and then she went on “Star Search,” and then she did Destiny’s Child, and then she broke off on her own and became a BOSS, and now she is the Queen of the Illuminati, THE END! Read more on Happy Birthday Beyoncé, Mike Huckabee Still Thinks You’re A Whore!…
  Call The Brute Squad

Trump Bodyguard Slugs Hispanican Protester, Seals GOP Nomination For Boss

Boom! Take that, Mexico!
Donald Trump’s security detail put its best fists forward in a confrontation with Latino protesters outside the Trump Tower Thursday, ripping away a protest sign and coldcocking a protester who tried to grab it back. When you watch this video, you may think you see a couple of assholes in suits assaulting a protester, but the average Trump voter will see an encouraging example of Making America Great Again. Read more on Trump Bodyguard Slugs Hispanican Protester, Seals GOP Nomination For Boss…
  nice time!

It’s A Nice Day To Kentucky Marry Your Gay Homosexual Lover!

New county clerk much nicer than the last.
New county clerk much nicer than the last. Yr Wonkette loves stories with happy endings, and yr Wonkette loves getting married! You know that thing that Editrix Becca did, when she Montana-married her heterosexual lover? Well, due to how SOMEBODY is currently doing a little jail time for being a very bad girl, gays are Kentucky-marrying their homosexual lovers in Rowan County today! Is there pizza? PROBABLY. Read more on It’s A Nice Day To Kentucky Marry Your Gay Homosexual Lover!…
  Is That A Salmon In Your Pocket Or...?

President Obama Got Diddled By A Fish, Y’all

Some Presidents get shoes thrown at them. Some get salmon jizz thrown on their shoes
Some Presidents get shoes thrown at them. Some get salmon jizz thrown on their shoes Barack Obama visited the Alaskan fishing village of Dillingham Wednesday, where he sampled some salmon jerky, talked to the residents about climate change, and met an amorous salmon which jizzed all over his mukluks. The fish’s negligent discharge occurred while the president was getting a look at the villagers’ traditional fishing methods; after holding up one fine specimen that he pronounced “a nice-looking fish right there,” Obama was invited to grab a second fish, which had apparently been waiting for this moment since the 2008 primaries. With one mighty Piscean ejaculation, the salmon instantly supplanted the National Review’s “little starbursts” for Sarah Palin as the most excessive declaration of love for a politician. Read more on President Obama Got Diddled By A Fish, Y’all…
  Telling It Like He Wishes It Happened That Way

Here’s Chris Christie Being A Dick To Some Girl, Because It Is A Day

America needs him.
He’s still got it So Chris Christie is stumping around New Hampshire, clinging to his debate slot in the Top Tier of Donald Trump and the Other Republican Losers like it’s the last however many $1500 buys you in hot dogs and beers at the MetLife Stadium concession stand. Here he is in Manchester, saying climate change is real, and of course humans contribute to it: Read more on Here’s Chris Christie Being A Dick To Some Girl, Because It Is A Day…
  Why are you hitting yourself?

Someone Please Put Rick Perry Out Of His Misery And Tell Him It’s Over

Look, at this point it is just mean to let Rick Perry keep runnin’ around like he’s a presidential candidate, when we all of us who aren’t Rick Perry know better. And that includes his unpaid volunteers, what’s left of them, and the one dude in Iowa even Donald Trump didn’t want to steal from him. It is over, man, O-V-E-R over, and it’s time for someone to sit him down and have The Talk: Read more on Someone Please Put Rick Perry Out Of His Misery And Tell Him It’s Over…
  Louche Screwball

James O’Keefe Blows Lid Off Hillary Clinton’s Vast ‘T-Shirts For Canadians’ Swindle

The Iceback infiltration is even worse than we feared!
The Iceback infiltration is even worse than we feared! Following last week’s stunning news that Clinton campaign staffers are eager to register voters who are leaning toward Hillary, legendary undercover sting-thing James O’Keefe warned that he had still more evidence of shocking malfeasance in the Hillary Clinton campaign. And Tuesday, O’Keefe revealed the horrifying extent of foreign influence on the Clinton campaign, with a video of a woman who admitted she’s a Canadian citizen being turned away by a staffer who wouldn’t let her buy a T-shirt, explaining to the poutine-licker that American campaign swag can only be bought by Americans. BUT THEN, captured on video for all to see, when an O’Keefe operative standing in line behind the Canadian offered to buy the shirt, the campaign let the transaction go through, completely making a mockery of American campaign finance law and allowing a foreigner — who could have been an ISIS terrorist for all we know — make off with a T-shirt what is meant only for 100 percent Americans. Truly a sad sign of the depths to which our politics have descended. Read more on James O’Keefe Blows Lid Off Hillary Clinton’s Vast ‘T-Shirts For Canadians’ Swindle…
  How would Jesus lose?

Rick Perry Thinks He’s Jesus, Hopes To Also Come Back From The Dead

Ladies and other people, check out how sad-emoji this is. Rick Perry, whose presidential campaign obituary we already wrote, and then we wrote again, apparently wants us to do it a third time, because he just really likes that number, we guess, though we can’t remember why. He’s all out of money, and he’s damn near out of campaign staffers too, and not just because Donald Trump is stealing them to Make America Great Again. Piss-poor poop-broke Rick Perry can only afford one staffer in Iowa, which is one of them supposedly important states (every four years, anyway): Read more on Rick Perry Thinks He’s Jesus, Hopes To Also Come Back From The Dead…
  The Daddy Daughter Dance

Liz Cheney Knows Real U.S. American Patriots Love Old Dick

If you loved last year’s op-ed in the Wall Street Journal, by Dick Cheney and his evil spawn Liz, about why OBAMA SUX, you’ll be quite aroused in your privates to know that they have written a whole entire book about why OBAMA SUX. It is an expansion on their ongoing dialogue with each other that the Cheney administration was AWESOMEBALLS, and it is the fault of President B. Hussein Sucksalot that Gee Dubya Bush destabilized the entire Middle East by invading Iraq because of his own daddy issues, which led to the rise of even worser terrorist organizations like ISIS. It sounds like a real fun book, if you’re into historical fiction. (We do not know if Mrs. Mama Lynne Cheney contributed any HAWT lesbian sex scenes, sorry.) Read more on Liz Cheney Knows Real U.S. American Patriots Love Old Dick…
  Get Your Nerd On

Why Do You Weep? Blingee Lives! Your Saturday Nerdout

All Hail the Risen Blingee
All Hail the Risen Blingee Hey, remember how a week or so back we were all bummed because one of the most useful dumb wonderful things on the Internet, Blingee, was going away forever? Turns out that the public reaction was so anguished, so over the top, so filled with unicorns puking sad glitter, that the site’s owners decided against going gentle into that good Error 404 Page Not Found after all: Read more on Why Do You Weep? Blingee Lives! Your Saturday Nerdout…
  Unfair!

So Lame How CNN Won’t Let Carly Fiorina Be President Already

Remember, you guys, when we guesstimated Carly Fiorina was not one of the hopping-so-mad second-tier Republican candidates who anonymously baby-cried to POLITICO that Fox News made them sit at the kids’ table and not get to do real prime time debating with Donald Trump and the other grown-ups? Read more on So Lame How CNN Won’t Let Carly Fiorina Be President Already…
  Get Your Bingo Cards Out

Gays, Abortions, Blacks, Oh My! Your Virginia Shooting Tragedy Bingo

Oh, fine. Begin the recitation of stupidity.
Oh, fine. Begin the recitation of stupidity. Wonder why bad things happen to good people? We’ve been scanning the dregs of the wingnuttosphere since Roanoke TV journalists Alison Parker and Adam Ward were shot to death while doing a routine interview Wednesday, and you’ll be astonished at the range of reasons it happened. Or you might be astonished, if you’re new to our great nation and its insane politics. Welcome to America! Here, you’ll want this flak jacket. So why did this terrible thing happen? Here’s a handy roundup! Read more on Gays, Abortions, Blacks, Oh My! Your Virginia Shooting Tragedy Bingo…
  deep thoughts

Sarah Palin Says Donald Trump Is Jesus, Basically

We already know Donald Trump makes Sarah Palin so moist in her granny panty g-string, because of how he is a hero, a gen-u-ine hero just like John McCain, only without the going to war. And we know that Donald Trump thinks Sarah is “tough and smart and just a great woman,” and he’d like to tap her in her moosehole — metaphorically, of course — and let her be the Secretary of Quittin’ Stuff, or maybe even scrawl her name in lipstick on his ballot to be his vice Trump, if we are that lucky. Read more on Sarah Palin Says Donald Trump Is Jesus, Basically…
  Real Journalists Use Roofies

James O’Keefe Releases SHOCK VIDEO Of Hillary Campaign Torturing Puppies

All the gravitas, all the veritas, all the smarmitas
All the gravitas, all the veritas, all the smarmitas Self-important Hefty bag of slime mold James O’Keefe has released a shocking new video showing Hillary Clinton campaigners in Iowa shockingly discussing ways to get Hillary Clinton elected. The Clinton campaign told Time magazine last week that it suspected people pretending to be volunteers for O’Keefe’s “Project Veritas” were trying to entrap Iowa campaign workers into saying something dumb or illegal. The beauty of O’Keefe’s operation is that while he’s never actually uncovered examples of people doing unethical or illegal things, he’s awfully good at thinking of illegal shit to do, then either recording simulated crimes, or trying to get people to go along with doing crimes, which proves such crimes must be rampant. Except in Iowa, the Clinton campaign was paying attention, and warned staffers not to assist anyone in an Osama bin Laden mask to fake voter registration forms. Read more on James O’Keefe Releases SHOCK VIDEO Of Hillary Campaign Torturing Puppies…
  Gotta recharge their engines and shit

Godly Christian Fame Whores Call In Sick To YouTube

Before things went bad at the vlogger conference, when they were still just good looking.
Sleepy fame whores. It’s been a tough run for Sam and Nia Rader, the Jesus-loving fame-fellating YouTube “celebrities” who just wanted to prove they are as worthy of wealth and fame as the Duggars, but much more good looking obviously. So it is time for a SNOOZE-CATION from the old 9-to-5, or whatever hours YouTube requires them to be awake and sentient. Consider this timeline of events: Read more on Godly Christian Fame Whores Call In Sick To YouTube…
  Making America Grate Again

Donald Trump Fanboy Can’t Believe Univision Anchor Even Allowed In White People’s America

That's one Ugly American there
So here’s a charming addendum to Tuesday night’s Donald Trump presser in Dubuque, Iowa, when the Human Flannel Moth deported Univision news anchor Jorge Ramos for being out of line. Once Ramos was out in the hallway, an as-yet unidentified Trump wannabee decided that it was time to give the veteran newsman a good talking-to. Not that the guy knew Ramos was a veteran newsman; all he could see was an uppity foreigner who needed to “go back to Univision.” Read more on Donald Trump Fanboy Can’t Believe Univision Anchor Even Allowed In White People’s America…