Tag Archives: wtf

  Louie Louie...A Me Gotta Goh-Mert

Congressdolt Louie Gohmert: Iraq War Was A Mistake Because Obama Has Boner For Our Enemies

Works way better than tinfoil
Texas congressoaf Louie Gohmert offered a new variation on this week’s popular “Was The Iraq War A Good Idea” theme Tuesday, explaining that if George W. Bush had only known he’d be succeeded by the Very Bad President Barack Obama, he never would have invaded Iraq, because Barack Obama loves ISIS and wants to gay-marry ISIS and have a bunch of ISIS terrorist babies with ISIS. Read more on Congressdolt Louie Gohmert: Iraq War Was A Mistake Because Obama Has Boner For Our Enemies…
  Tongue Baths Of The Rich And Famous

Donald Trump Is The Family Values Candidate All His Ex-Wives Have Been Waiting For

This classy writer obviously knows a classy guy when he sees one
Here is a thing we didn’t really expect to see in 2015: a mainstream press article (sorta mainstream, at least — CNBC.com isn’t exactly a niche website like “Marine Propulsion News,” whose newsletter we inexplicably got signed up for) with the completely unironic headline “How family values helped Donald Trump build his empire.” We saw that and wondered how exactly we could top its snarky winking tone. But no, this is a completely sincere paean to the values that made Donald Trump a great man, and “writer” Eric Schiffer is either a complete Trumpsucking boob or the best satirist since Paul Verhoeven (Starship Troopers was satire, right? Please?) We just can’t tell — it reads like Waylon Smithers writing a C. Montgomery Burns fanfic. Read more on Donald Trump Is The Family Values Candidate All His Ex-Wives Have Been Waiting For…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Oregon Governor Definitely Resigning Or Maybe Not, Who Knows?

Rachel's WTF? muscles really get a workout in this segment
Rachel Maddow takes on the increasingly strange story of Oregon Gov. John Kitzhaber, who has reached a crisis point in the continuing scandal over the shady financial dealings of his fiancée, Cylvia Hayes, who is under investigation for alleged pay-to-play deals with companies doing business with the state. Virtually all the top elected officials in the state, Democrats like Kitzhaber, have called for him to resign. Tuesday saw a bizarre cross-country odyssey by Secretary of State Kate Brown, whom Kitzhaber called to come back from chairing a meeting in Washington DC, to meet with him. Very Urgent. And then he seemed surprised when she walked into his office. He told her he was definitely not resigning, and then said they should probably discuss the transition from his administration to her becoming governor if he does. Which he said he wouldn’t. Read more on Morning Maddow: Oregon Governor Definitely Resigning Or Maybe Not, Who Knows?…
  Shouting 'Molotov!' Not Recommended

Israel Defense Forces Wishes You A Happy Hanukkah, With Drones!

Wut?
The Israel Defense Forces’ official Twitter account brings us this festive holiday image to celebrate the miracle of a Skylark hand-launched surveillance drone staying aloft for eight hours, when it only had enough battery charge for an hour: Read more on Israel Defense Forces Wishes You A Happy Hanukkah, With Drones!…
  Gay Is Not A Disease

Here Is How Homosexuality Is Different From Alcoholism

Talking brunette Ken doll Rick Perry said something great the other day: “I may have the genetic coding that I’m inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way.” To put his remarks in context, context does not matter when you say a thing like this. But it occurs to me that maybe Rick Perry is just confused and going through a phase, and needs the light of Happy Nice Time People to show him The Way. Therefore, I’ve put together a quick primer for Rick Perry on how the glorious pageant that is homosexuality is actually very different from the tragic disease that is alcoholism. Read more on Here Is How Homosexuality Is Different From Alcoholism…
  cabbage a trois

Florida Man In Prostitution Sting Offered To Pay For Sex With A Salad

My vegetable love should grow Vaster than empires, and more slow — Andrew Marvel, “To His Coy Mistress” Can we just assume that Alonzo Liverman (yes, that is actually his name, in actual fact) is just a really poetic kind of guy? That might explain his offer to an undercover cop during a prostitution sting in Daytona Beach on Monday, which resulted in the arrests of 10 men. Mr. Liverman, 29, “told the undercover police officer he did not have any money, but he did have a salad, according to an affidavit.” Read more on Florida Man In Prostitution Sting Offered To Pay For Sex With A Salad…
  area garden gnomes have no alibi

Hero Thief Saves ’70s Gay-Hater Anita Bryant’s Neighbors From Hell Of Having To Look At Crappy Statue

An unspeakably ugly one-ton statue has been stolen from the home of former Miss Oklahoma, orange juice peddler, and anti-gay activist Anita Bryant in Oklahoma City. The $30,000 lump of marble was taken May 25th, although Oklahoma TV station KOTV only ran the story Monday, possibly to give the Hostage Statuary Recovery Team a chance to work, we don’t know. The artwork, if one doesn’t mind using the term loosely, was stolen sometime during a 3-hour window when Bryant and her husband, Charlie Dry, were away from home, and whoever took it would have had to use a forklift and a large truck to move the thing. Mr. Dry no doubt won beatific smiles and nods of approval by noting, “People work hard for their possessions and to have someone just come and take stuff,” Dry said. “I’m from a small town and them is shooting days right there.” Read more on Hero Thief Saves ’70s Gay-Hater Anita Bryant’s Neighbors From Hell Of Having To Look At Crappy Statue…
  the hiefer of liberty

Deleted Comments Of The Day: How Dare You Call Bundy Ranch Freedom Warriors Names, You Pig Bitch?

The ol’ comment queue is in need of a good hosing-out, so let’s see what detritus is in there. Looks like our stories on the Cletus Cliven Bundy and the Big Cattle Freedom Uprising generated a lot of interest among new visitors to Yr Wonkette, to whom we say Hello, welcome, and thank you for your interest! We’ll start with this enlightened American’s brief email to Yr Editrix from an anonymous reader who did not care for the description of Mr. Bundy’s militia pals as “insurgents,” even though we included a definition of that very term right in the lede. All spelling and spacing verbatim from the original: You should shut your piece of shit blog down you scum sucking pig bitch. Calling a group of Ameriucans fighting for your fucking rights “insurgents”. Gol ive in china you commie bitch He (?) seems nice! We especially like the notion that a bunch of armed anarchists who want to enable a guy’s deliberate refusal to comply with laws, land use fees, and court orders are “fighting for our rights” somehow, and that, simultaneously, we should be deported because we publish stuff this dunderwhelp disagrees with. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: How Dare You Call Bundy Ranch Freedom Warriors Names, You Pig Bitch?…
  total eclipse of the heartbleed

NSA Knew All About Heartbleed, Didn’t Want to Spoil the Surprise for You

From the How Is This Not Front Page News In Every Paper In The Country? Files, Bloomberg brings us the tale of how our good friends at the National Security Agency (hi guys!) have known about Heartbleed— a critical Internet security flaw that affects “the basic security of as many as two-thirds of the world’s websites”—for “at least two years.” The U.S. National Security Agency knew for at least two years about a flaw in the way that many websites send sensitive information, now dubbed the Heartbleed bug, and regularly used it to gather critical intelligence, two people familiar with the matter said. Good work, NSA, way to see the threat before anyone else, our tax Bitcoins at work! Except, whoops, instead of telling anyone about it or how to fix it, the NSA just sat on it and gobbled up everyone’s passwords and personal information. The better to make leet haxx, my pretty. Read more on NSA Knew All About Heartbleed, Didn’t Want to Spoil the Surprise for You…
  authentic cunty fried steaks

Charming Oklahoma Restaurant Takes You Back To Pre-1960s Birmingham (Video)

Well! Here’s a charming little local business in Enid, Oklahoma, run by a “real character”: Gary’s Chicaros restaurant and bar, run by one Gary James, who doesn’t deny that he throws out any patrons he doesn’t like the looks of. His official restaurant T-shirts say so, with a clever promise of an “n-word-free zone.” (The shirts do not say “n-word.” But you guessed that already.) But he’s not racist, he says, because he denies service to way more whites than blacks, you see, especially if they’re trashy: Read more on Charming Oklahoma Restaurant Takes You Back To Pre-1960s Birmingham (Video)…
  double indumbnity

Glenn Beck, Private Dick

Idiot Savant Auteur de Merde Glenn Beck presents this short Noir masterpiece about a guy named Lucky, a legless (or one-legged, because why would you check your script for consistency?) prostitute named Charlie, and a slick grifter named Sam, who’s pushing a crazy unworkable scheme called “MyRA.” In typical Beck Drama Theater of the Airhead style, it isn’t especially clear on what exactly is going on in this allegory — sure, “Lucky” is the hapless everyman, “Sam” is the scary fiberglass-headed rapist fraudster you remember from college days, and “MyRA” is a scheme to steal all your muneez. We can’t for the life of us figure out who “Charlie” is supposed to be, though. After MyRA cheats him out of his savings, Lucky goes back to Charlie, so maybe the legless prostitute is supposed to be the private banking industry. Or maybe “Charlie” is the hole in a teabagger’s mattress where he saves all his gold? Your guess is as good as ours. Read more on Glenn Beck, Private Dick…
  clipbait

The Daily Show: Larry Wilmore Awards Outstanding Achievements In Racial WTF-ery

To mark a year that saw the Voting Rights Act overturned because it’s outdated at the same time that states made it harder for people to vote, here’s The Daily Show’s Larry Wilmore to recognize some outstanding accomplishments in making us throw our hands in the air and wondering what’s wrong with people. Or as he put it, for “breaking down racial barriers that nobody asked you to break.” Read more on The Daily Show: Larry Wilmore Awards Outstanding Achievements In Racial WTF-ery…
  clipbait

Rob Ford Has Entered Full Andy Kaufman Mode

A new video of performance artist/Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has surfaced; in the video, reportedly taken Monday night at a Toronto fast-food establishment, the very drunk mayor rambles and says many swears in both English and in Jamaican patois. If Toronto can’t fire him, they may just install him in a permanent performance space. Read more on Rob Ford Has Entered Full Andy Kaufman Mode…
  baby its trolled outside

James Inhofe: Don’t Extend Unemployment Benefits, Because God Is in Charge Of Climate Change (Which Is Fake)

Listen up, heathens. Oklahoma Sen. James Inhofe just needs to explain a thing or two to you people who think we need to extend emergency unemployment benefits that ended December 28. He has just two words that explain why we don’t need to do that: Polar Vortex. It’s easily the best cryptic advice since that one guy told Anne Bancroft’s little boy-toy “Plastics.” For that matter, we bet Inhofe is big on those, too. Read more on James Inhofe: Don’t Extend Unemployment Benefits, Because God Is in Charge Of Climate Change (Which Is Fake)…
  2nd-dumbest man on the internet

Bradlee Dean Thinks New York Public Schools Are Teaching Kids To Do Sex With Animals

Oh, golly, you know sometimes Yr Doktor Zoom goes a few weeks or more without encountering the odd mental oscillations of Wonkette frenemy Bradlee Dean, who keeps failing to sue us so we can get all his money. We still think that Jim Hoft richly deserves his title of Stupidest Man on the Internet, but Bradlee Dean is a close second, and since he mostly works the rightwing podcast & “radio” circuit — some of it’s broadcast on AM and shortwave somewhere — we can’t just read Bradlee, we have to listen to him. Which is all by way of saying that every time we hear this man speak, we can feel our brain atrophying. And so it was with some trepidation that we listened to most of Dean’s half-hour interview on the “TruNews” End Times podcast from Thursday, to see if he ever elaborated on his assertion that in New York City, liberal teachers are now “teaching kids bestiality in public schools.” We figured that if he had, Right Wing Watch would have quoted it, because how would you not? And of course, he never explained it at all. Oh, but there was other stuff, too, and we will bring you the worst of it so you needn’t damage your own headparts listening to it yourself. Read more on Bradlee Dean Thinks New York Public Schools Are Teaching Kids To Do Sex With Animals…