Tag Archives: wtf

  Canada Goofy

No American Political Ad Will Ever Top This Beautifully Insane Canadian Thing

American candidates could just swap in a bald eagle
American candidates could just swap in a bald eagle Wyatt Scott is running for the Canadian Parliament, which is sort of like Congress except that instead of being owned by Big Oil and Wall Street, it’s owned by Big Oil and Tim Horton’s. He’s an independent seeking the seat for the new “riding” of “Mission-Matsqui-Fraser Canyon,” which we gather is somewhere near Alberta in Saskatchewan. Haha, we are kidding — it is actually in southwestern British Columbia; we looked it up for a change. Also, a “riding” is like a “district,” except that, as we gathered from Mr. Scott’s advertisement, it requires you to actually ride something, like perhaps a giant Canada goose. Read more on No American Political Ad Will Ever Top This Beautifully Insane Canadian Thing…
  Where's Leonard Pinth-Garnell When You Need Him?

‘Pro-Lifers’ Present Abortion Masterpiece Theatre At White House, And It’s Insane

That was a moving performance! I Just wish they'd moved it somewhere else!
Oh my god. Republican protests are NEXT LEVEL. I can’t stop laughing. pic.twitter.com/AJQMQbFsmw — Calvin (@aurosan) August 11, 2015 Some anti-Planned Parenthood demonstrators were captured performing this little playlet in front of the White House recently, and it is the most amazing dramatic performance we’ve seen in quite some time, and that’s including Kid Zoom’s explanation of what happened to that slice of cake I was saving. It’s a masterpiece of economy, with all the subtlety of a political cartoon where everything has a clear label but the thing as a whole makes no goddamn sense. Puts us in mind of that time when Jesus Camp put on a production of Sweeney Todd. This classic sample of Theater of the Obamasurd has already gotten rave reviews after being posted to Twitter Tuesday by a guy named “Calvin,” who gives it an enthusiastic blurb: “Oh my god. Republican protests are NEXT LEVEL. I can’t stop laughing.” Read more on ‘Pro-Lifers’ Present Abortion Masterpiece Theatre At White House, And It’s Insane…
  Bwana He No Smart

Ted Nugent: What About Lion-On-Lion Crime?

Dr. Nugent Fills his Pants for the First Time, 1860
Oh, thank goodness, Ted Nugent has finally seen fit to weigh in on that dentist who killed that lion. We’d been hoping the great white skidmarked hunter would have some insights on the matter, and he came through in a big way, explaining that people who are outraged by a little bit of illegal big-game hunting are pretty much all Nazis because really, who isn’t a Nazi these days? Read more on Ted Nugent: What About Lion-On-Lion Crime?…
  Louie Louie...A Me Gotta Goh-Mert

Congressdolt Louie Gohmert: Iraq War Was A Mistake Because Obama Has Boner For Our Enemies

Works way better than tinfoil
Texas congressoaf Louie Gohmert offered a new variation on this week’s popular “Was The Iraq War A Good Idea” theme Tuesday, explaining that if George W. Bush had only known he’d be succeeded by the Very Bad President Barack Obama, he never would have invaded Iraq, because Barack Obama loves ISIS and wants to gay-marry ISIS and have a bunch of ISIS terrorist babies with ISIS. Read more on Congressdolt Louie Gohmert: Iraq War Was A Mistake Because Obama Has Boner For Our Enemies…
  Tongue Baths Of The Rich And Famous

Donald Trump Is The Family Values Candidate All His Ex-Wives Have Been Waiting For

Trump / Trump 2016!
Here is a thing we didn’t really expect to see in 2015: a mainstream press article (sorta mainstream, at least — CNBC.com isn’t exactly a niche website like “Marine Propulsion News,” whose newsletter we inexplicably got signed up for) with the completely unironic headline “How family values helped Donald Trump build his empire.” We saw that and wondered how exactly we could top its snarky winking tone. But no, this is a completely sincere paean to the values that made Donald Trump a great man, and “writer” Eric Schiffer is either a complete Trumpsucking boob or the best satirist since Paul Verhoeven (Starship Troopers was satire, right? Please?) We just can’t tell — it reads like Waylon Smithers writing a C. Montgomery Burns fanfic. Read more on Donald Trump Is The Family Values Candidate All His Ex-Wives Have Been Waiting For…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Oregon Governor Definitely Resigning Or Maybe Not, Who Knows?

Rachel's WTF? muscles really get a workout in this segment
Rachel Maddow takes on the increasingly strange story of Oregon Gov. John Kitzhaber, who has reached a crisis point in the continuing scandal over the shady financial dealings of his fiancée, Cylvia Hayes, who is under investigation for alleged pay-to-play deals with companies doing business with the state. Virtually all the top elected officials in the state, Democrats like Kitzhaber, have called for him to resign. Tuesday saw a bizarre cross-country odyssey by Secretary of State Kate Brown, whom Kitzhaber called to come back from chairing a meeting in Washington DC, to meet with him. Very Urgent. And then he seemed surprised when she walked into his office. He told her he was definitely not resigning, and then said they should probably discuss the transition from his administration to her becoming governor if he does. Which he said he wouldn’t. Read more on Morning Maddow: Oregon Governor Definitely Resigning Or Maybe Not, Who Knows?…
  Shouting 'Molotov!' Not Recommended

Israel Defense Forces Wishes You A Happy Hanukkah, With Drones!

Wut?
The Israel Defense Forces’ official Twitter account brings us this festive holiday image to celebrate the miracle of a Skylark hand-launched surveillance drone staying aloft for eight hours, when it only had enough battery charge for an hour: Read more on Israel Defense Forces Wishes You A Happy Hanukkah, With Drones!…
  Gay Is Not A Disease

Here Is How Homosexuality Is Different From Alcoholism

Talking brunette Ken doll Rick Perry said something great the other day: “I may have the genetic coding that I’m inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way.” To put his remarks in context, context does not matter when you say a thing like this. But it occurs to me that maybe Rick Perry is just confused and going through a phase, and needs the light of Happy Nice Time People to show him The Way. Therefore, I’ve put together a quick primer for Rick Perry on how the glorious pageant that is homosexuality is actually very different from the tragic disease that is alcoholism. Read more on Here Is How Homosexuality Is Different From Alcoholism…
  cabbage a trois

Florida Man In Prostitution Sting Offered To Pay For Sex With A Salad

My vegetable love should grow Vaster than empires, and more slow — Andrew Marvel, “To His Coy Mistress” Can we just assume that Alonzo Liverman (yes, that is actually his name, in actual fact) is just a really poetic kind of guy? That might explain his offer to an undercover cop during a prostitution sting in Daytona Beach on Monday, which resulted in the arrests of 10 men. Mr. Liverman, 29, “told the undercover police officer he did not have any money, but he did have a salad, according to an affidavit.” Read more on Florida Man In Prostitution Sting Offered To Pay For Sex With A Salad…
  area garden gnomes have no alibi

Hero Thief Saves ’70s Gay-Hater Anita Bryant’s Neighbors From Hell Of Having To Look At Crappy Statue

An unspeakably ugly one-ton statue has been stolen from the home of former Miss Oklahoma, orange juice peddler, and anti-gay activist Anita Bryant in Oklahoma City. The $30,000 lump of marble was taken May 25th, although Oklahoma TV station KOTV only ran the story Monday, possibly to give the Hostage Statuary Recovery Team a chance to work, we don’t know. The artwork, if one doesn’t mind using the term loosely, was stolen sometime during a 3-hour window when Bryant and her husband, Charlie Dry, were away from home, and whoever took it would have had to use a forklift and a large truck to move the thing. Mr. Dry no doubt won beatific smiles and nods of approval by noting, “People work hard for their possessions and to have someone just come and take stuff,” Dry said. “I’m from a small town and them is shooting days right there.” Read more on Hero Thief Saves ’70s Gay-Hater Anita Bryant’s Neighbors From Hell Of Having To Look At Crappy Statue…
  the hiefer of liberty

Deleted Comments Of The Day: How Dare You Call Bundy Ranch Freedom Warriors Names, You Pig Bitch?

The ol’ comment queue is in need of a good hosing-out, so let’s see what detritus is in there. Looks like our stories on the Cletus Cliven Bundy and the Big Cattle Freedom Uprising generated a lot of interest among new visitors to Yr Wonkette, to whom we say Hello, welcome, and thank you for your interest! We’ll start with this enlightened American’s brief email to Yr Editrix from an anonymous reader who did not care for the description of Mr. Bundy’s militia pals as “insurgents,” even though we included a definition of that very term right in the lede. All spelling and spacing verbatim from the original: You should shut your piece of shit blog down you scum sucking pig bitch. Calling a group of Ameriucans fighting for your fucking rights “insurgents”. Gol ive in china you commie bitch He (?) seems nice! We especially like the notion that a bunch of armed anarchists who want to enable a guy’s deliberate refusal to comply with laws, land use fees, and court orders are “fighting for our rights” somehow, and that, simultaneously, we should be deported because we publish stuff this dunderwhelp disagrees with. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: How Dare You Call Bundy Ranch Freedom Warriors Names, You Pig Bitch?…
  total eclipse of the heartbleed

NSA Knew All About Heartbleed, Didn’t Want to Spoil the Surprise for You

From the How Is This Not Front Page News In Every Paper In The Country? Files, Bloomberg brings us the tale of how our good friends at the National Security Agency (hi guys!) have known about Heartbleed— a critical Internet security flaw that affects “the basic security of as many as two-thirds of the world’s websites”—for “at least two years.” The U.S. National Security Agency knew for at least two years about a flaw in the way that many websites send sensitive information, now dubbed the Heartbleed bug, and regularly used it to gather critical intelligence, two people familiar with the matter said. Good work, NSA, way to see the threat before anyone else, our tax Bitcoins at work! Except, whoops, instead of telling anyone about it or how to fix it, the NSA just sat on it and gobbled up everyone’s passwords and personal information. The better to make leet haxx, my pretty. Read more on NSA Knew All About Heartbleed, Didn’t Want to Spoil the Surprise for You…
  authentic cunty fried steaks

Charming Oklahoma Restaurant Takes You Back To Pre-1960s Birmingham (Video)

Well! Here’s a charming little local business in Enid, Oklahoma, run by a “real character”: Gary’s Chicaros restaurant and bar, run by one Gary James, who doesn’t deny that he throws out any patrons he doesn’t like the looks of. His official restaurant T-shirts say so, with a clever promise of an “n-word-free zone.” (The shirts do not say “n-word.” But you guessed that already.) But he’s not racist, he says, because he denies service to way more whites than blacks, you see, especially if they’re trashy: Read more on Charming Oklahoma Restaurant Takes You Back To Pre-1960s Birmingham (Video)…
  double indumbnity

Glenn Beck, Private Dick

Idiot Savant Auteur de Merde Glenn Beck presents this short Noir masterpiece about a guy named Lucky, a legless (or one-legged, because why would you check your script for consistency?) prostitute named Charlie, and a slick grifter named Sam, who’s pushing a crazy unworkable scheme called “MyRA.” In typical Beck Drama Theater of the Airhead style, it isn’t especially clear on what exactly is going on in this allegory — sure, “Lucky” is the hapless everyman, “Sam” is the scary fiberglass-headed rapist fraudster you remember from college days, and “MyRA” is a scheme to steal all your muneez. We can’t for the life of us figure out who “Charlie” is supposed to be, though. After MyRA cheats him out of his savings, Lucky goes back to Charlie, so maybe the legless prostitute is supposed to be the private banking industry. Or maybe “Charlie” is the hole in a teabagger’s mattress where he saves all his gold? Your guess is as good as ours. Read more on Glenn Beck, Private Dick…
  clipbait

The Daily Show: Larry Wilmore Awards Outstanding Achievements In Racial WTF-ery

To mark a year that saw the Voting Rights Act overturned because it’s outdated at the same time that states made it harder for people to vote, here’s The Daily Show’s Larry Wilmore to recognize some outstanding accomplishments in making us throw our hands in the air and wondering what’s wrong with people. Or as he put it, for “breaking down racial barriers that nobody asked you to break.” Read more on The Daily Show: Larry Wilmore Awards Outstanding Achievements In Racial WTF-ery…