• Last night the Yankees baseball team won the competition that determines the best baseball team of all the other baseball teams! [New York Times]
• 600 UN staffers in Afghanistan will leave the country for a few weeks while the UN works to find them housing that will be harder to blow up. [Washington Post]
• Hurricane Ida is currently in the midst of hitting Nicaragua. It’s expected to bring with it 25 inches of rain, mudslides, all the tradition hurricane accoutrement, etc. [CNN]
• Exxon Mobil and Shell have won the World Series of receiving the rights to oil fields in southern Iraq! The Phillies did not win this either. [WSJ]
• Cash bonuses on Wall Street will be up 40% this year. [Reuters]
• Later this week, Toyota will be sending out a drivers’ mat recall, as the acceleration pedal can get caught in drivers’ mats in certain models. [Los Angeles Times]

• After very possibly receiving fewer votes than his opponent, Hamid Karzai has won the presidential election of Afghanistan! [New York Times]
• Ford earned $1 billion in the third quarter and people are now thinking the company could be profitable by 2011. [Washington Post]
• Yesterday some American guy—originally from Eritrea, but still totally counts—won the New York City Marathon, which is the first time that’s happened since 1982. [CNN]
• A suicide bomber killed 30-ish people outside a bank in Pakistan, most of whom used to have something or other to do with the military. [AP]
• The New York Yankees baseball team has won another go-round in the baseball tournament, and look at this biased coverage from the New York Post. [New York Post]
• Everyone who’s anyone in the Arab world just despises Hillary Clinton. [Reuters]

• Someone accidentally left a document detailing ongoing Congressional ethics violations investigations on a public computer network. The Word paperclip would have advised against this. [Washington Post]
• The deposed president of Honduras has been temporarily undeposed by the de facto government. Legitimacy has been totally restored to government there, clearly. [New York Times]
• The Philadelphia-based (and Boston-based, for that matter) sports enthusiasts did not enjoy last night nearly as much as they did Wednesday night. [Philadelphia Inquirer]
• This Russian tycoon who was forbidden from visiting the US apparently came here twice last year as the personal secret guest of the FBI. [WSJ]
• A Coast Guard plane and a Marine helicopter crashed into each other off the coast of California this morning. Despite this being the exact fantasy of every toy-owning toddler, rescue authorities are concerned.  [AP]
• Rhymey former French president Jacques Chirac will be stand trial for corruption and defend some corrupt-seeming things he did while mayor of Paris. [Times Online]

• Last night’s baseball match went smashingly/terribly—depending on whether you were in a sports bar with mostly blue decorations or mostly red ones. [Reuters]
• Ahmadinejad implied that Iran would do everyone a favor and would indeed be enriching its uranium elsewhere. [New York Times]
• There’s not enough Tamiflu for all America’s children, which means Obama will have no choice but to murder off what’s left of all the vaccineless ones. [Washington Post]
• The Golden Gate Bay Bridge will be closed again today while engineers continue to make sure that it’s definitely, like 100% not going to randomly collapse. [CNN]
• Obama spent the morning in Dover, Delaware, honoring fallen troops who were recently killed in Afghanistan. [AP]
• The incompetence deepens: the FAA did not give the military a heads up so quickly after that commercial airliner and its unresponsive pilots went AWOL last week. [WSJ]

• Your 2009 World Series will feature the New York Yankees and the Philadelphia Phillies, two popular Northeast athletics organizations. USA! [New York Times]
• Baghdad had another suicide bombing: 132 people died, which is the most all at once since 2007. [Washington Post]
• The new new new health care bill will be submitted to the CBO as early as right now, or possibly even earlier this morning! [WSJ]
• “Tony Blair” is a name that’s being thrown about to be the new president of the EU. Michael Sheen is already prepared for this. [Times Online]
• College’s favorite singer, Morrissey, is A-OK after his collapse on a stage in London sometime a couple days ago. [CNN]
• Wall Street money financial fatcats would like to maintain their huge bonus system, duh and thank you. [Reuters]

Barack Obama is in a pickle! Much like his best friend, Hillary Clinton, Obama has found himself supporting multiple baseball teams that he doesn’t like at all in order to win evil blood money “swing state” votes. He claims he is first a “White Sox” fan, which was clearly a pander to all white people who despise him, and he played it from the bottom of the deck. But after the White Sox were no longer in contention for the Baseball Championship, he told Pennsylvania voters that he wanted the loser Philadelphia Phillies to win everything. And today he muslimly told Florida voters that he wanted the Tampa Bay “Rays” to win everything. This pirouetting, like most bad things in life, can all be blamed on the Boston Red Sox. MORE »

Excitable GOP troll Tom Tancredo says he won’t run for re-election because he’s too busy being angry about Mexicans, even though his presidential campaign continues to inspire nobody, not even the angry hordes of AM talk-radio listeners who should be supporting him. Tancredo, currently running near the bottom of the dozen or so Republican candidates (but probably over Ron Paul), made the announcement after some baseball game last night. MORE »

• Jeb Bush, talking hurricane relief and support, proves to be a less-than-traditional conservative: “If Wal-Mart can do it, why can’t the government?” That’s like digging up Barry Goldwater in order to kill him again! [South Florida Sun-Sentinel]
• “Borked” versus “Miers”. What the rest of the world calls “tops” and “bottoms.” [AP, via Breitbart.com]
• Vioxx teaches its reps to play Dodgeball. Because nobody makes them bleed their own profits! Nobody! [ATLA]
• The original text of Harriet Miers resignation letter. REVEALED! [Flak Magazine]
• Red States Lose! Ozzie Guillen rubs Texas’ face in it by taking World Series victory to decidedly erotic new heights. [AP]