wonkwire

Mitt Romney wants to keep those lady voters — for whom Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich are such natural fits (gross) — so here’s how he tried to compliment wife Ann at a rally today: She’s “the heavyweight champion of my life… I didn’t mean weight! That came out wrong.” It’ll be another sad, silent […]

This is totally what you were expecting, wasn’t it? [Twitter]

In the story “Jerry Brown To Washington Times Reporter: ‘Are You a Moonie?’” we referred to idiot reporter Kerry Picket as him, he, his, etc. We are sorry to report that Kerry Picket is in fact a woman. This shames us all — all women, that is, as Picket’s tete-a-tete avec Governor Brown was the […]

Ugh, unwashed godless free market-hating ecoterrorist hippie cabal “the insurance industry” is whining about global warming, according to this press release just in from Bernie Sanders’ office. Oh just go make out with a bunch of dolphins, brainwashed hippies: Property and casualty insurers in the United States experienced an extraordinary estimated $44 billion in losses […]

It just focus grouped better, what. [Fox Nation via reallyfoxnews Tumblr]

Former Pennsylvania (?) Senator Rick Santorum initially rose to prominence when it was discovered that his last name is — go figure! — a perfect homonym with “santorum,” the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex. So what a stroke of luck for his presidential campaign, that […]

A hot new reality show “chronicling Bristol Palin’s life as a young, single mother living in the spotlight of being Sarah Palin’s daughter” has been picked up on the vagina network, Lifetime! It will be called Bristol Palin: Life’s A Tripp, and the young mother and son will run around the forest dropping acid with […]

Why do dumb people always vote for terrible candidates? It’s because they’re dumb! This is according to new scientific studies, according to some website: The research, led by David Dunning, a psychologist at Cornell University, shows that incompetent people are inherently unable to judge the competence of other people, or the quality of those people’s […]

Do you live in the Washington DC metro area and enjoy hipster irony such as “playing dodgeball,” on your weekend, when you should really be at home meditating on the emptiness of your life? Well, by all means you should play dodgeball for charity on March 11. Get your loser political/lobbyist/think tank/junior staffer friends together […]

An elderly lifelong bachelor who lives with hundreds of other old, single men in a stylish European capital city has given strict orders to the world’s women and married heterosexual couples on the allowable methods for human impregnation. Dressed in flowing silken capes and a bejeweled silken hat, the childless old man described his religion’s […]

Former Nebraska Sen. Bob Kerrey has changed his mind and will run for Ben Nelson’s Senate seat! He, like Nelson, is an annoying centrist deficit whiner, but (a) at least he’s not horrible old Ben Nelson and (b) he is capable of winning the seat. Oh and (c), he once said this about then-newbie Senator […]

Somehow, the Wasilla gravy train has finally run out of steam. What else can explain Todd Palin’s alleged Wasilla mistress/prostitute not getting a six-figure book deal for her story? America has finally grown tired of Sarah Palin and her snowbilly family’s oxycontin exploits. But, just in case you need a final dose, be sure to […]

In honor of vulture capitalist Mitt Romney campaigning in Michigan today, here’s James McMurtry singing “We Can’t Make It Here.” We heard this on the Sirius radio driving around for no reason today, blood for oil, etc. Happy Friday or whatever. [Buy This Record]

Here’s a typical variation on the same disturbing/hilarious lede that we see every few months, each time rendering satire useless: “Reporting from Washington— As U.S. and Israeli officials talk publicly about the prospect of a military strike against Iran’s nuclear program, one fact is often overlooked: U.S. intelligence agencies don’t believe Iran is actively trying […]

Those Taiwanese animators are sure having some sexytime fun with Rick Santorum. It is important to wonder if these Taiwanese animators are even American, the way they attack our most precious institutions (Satan, Rick Santorum). [NMA.tv/YouTube]