Tag Archives: wonkwire

  wordsmithery

Mitt Romney Fails At Complimenting His Wife

Mitt Romney wants to keep those lady voters — for whom Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich are such natural fits (gross) — so here’s how he tried to compliment wife Ann at a rally today: She’s “the heavyweight champion of my life… I didn’t mean weight! That came out wrong.” It’ll be another sad, silent night of bad teevee and ice cream and turning in early at the Romney household tonight. Read more on Mitt Romney Fails At Complimenting His Wife…
  shoddy journalism

Corrections: Your Wonkette’s Week In Mistakes

In the story “Jerry Brown To Washington Times Reporter: ‘Are You a Moonie?'” we referred to idiot reporter Kerry Picket as him, he, his, etc. We are sorry to report that Kerry Picket is in fact a woman. This shames us all — all women, that is, as Picket’s tete-a-tete avec Governor Brown was the worst reportorial outing since Diane Sawyer slurred her way through one of this year’s 437 GOP primary debates. Read more on Corrections: Your Wonkette’s Week In Mistakes…
  conspiracies

Wingnuts May Not Believe in Climate Change, But Insurance Companies Sure Do

Ugh, unwashed godless free market-hating ecoterrorist hippie cabal “the insurance industry” is whining about global warming, according to this press release just in from Bernie Sanders’ office. Oh just go make out with a bunch of dolphins, brainwashed hippies: Read more on Wingnuts May Not Believe in Climate Change, But Insurance Companies Sure Do…
  topping from the bottom

Google ‘Spreading Santorum’ A Little Less When It Comes To Rick Santorum

Former Pennsylvania (?) Senator Rick Santorum initially rose to prominence when it was discovered that his last name is — go figure! — a perfect homonym with “santorum,” the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex. So what a stroke of luck for his presidential campaign, that they could take advantage of this link between the candidate’s name and the act he spends 60% of his waking hours contemplating/working to outlaw (when it occurs between unordained homosexual men, at least). Buddy, you can’t buy name recognition like that! Read more on Google ‘Spreading Santorum’ A Little Less When It Comes To Rick Santorum…
  500 emmys

Bristol Palin Has Some Other New TV Show About Stuff

A hot new reality show “chronicling Bristol Palin’s life as a young, single mother living in the spotlight of being Sarah Palin’s daughter” has been picked up on the vagina network, Lifetime! It will be called Bristol Palin: Life’s A Tripp, and the young mother and son will run around the forest dropping acid with John McCain. Read more on Bristol Palin Has Some Other New TV Show About Stuff…
  new study proves it

Dumb People Not Clever Enough To Choose Smart Candidates

Why do dumb people always vote for terrible candidates? It’s because they’re dumb! This is according to new scientific studies, according to some website: The research, led by David Dunning, a psychologist at Cornell University, shows that incompetent people are inherently unable to judge the competence of other people, or the quality of those people’s ideas. For example, if people lack expertise on tax reform, it is very difficult for them to identify the candidates who are actual experts. They simply lack the mental tools needed to make meaningful judgments. Read more on Dumb People Not Clever Enough To Choose Smart Candidates…
  and keep yourself from getting diabetes too!

Solve Diabetes & the Environment By Playing Dodgeball For Charity In DC

Do you live in the Washington DC metro area and enjoy hipster irony such as “playing dodgeball,” on your weekend, when you should really be at home meditating on the emptiness of your life? Well, by all means you should play dodgeball for charity on March 11. Get your loser political/lobbyist/think tank/junior staffer friends together and sign up! You can help solve diabetes — both in a literal sense, in your own body, by exercising, and also by helping raise money for a medical cure. And you can help solve the apparent social issue of “the first sustainable dodgeball tournament according to the Council for Responsible Sport who oversees the sustainability certification process for sporting events.” Read more on Solve Diabetes & the Environment By Playing Dodgeball For Charity In DC…
  sex ed

Elderly Bachelor Tells Women How Jesus Will Allow Them To Get Pregnant

An elderly lifelong bachelor who lives with hundreds of other old, single men in a stylish European capital city has given strict orders to the world’s women and married heterosexual couples on the allowable methods for human impregnation. Dressed in flowing silken capes and a bejeweled silken hat, the childless old man described his religion’s required process for creating new human life forms: Read more on Elderly Bachelor Tells Women How Jesus Will Allow Them To Get Pregnant…
  meet your candidates

Nebraskan Who Said Funny Thing About Rick Santorum Will Run For Senate

Former Nebraska Sen. Bob Kerrey has changed his mind and will run for Ben Nelson’s Senate seat! He, like Nelson, is an annoying centrist deficit whiner, but (a) at least he’s not horrible old Ben Nelson and (b) he is capable of winning the seat. Oh and (c), he once said this about then-newbie Senator Rick Santorum: “Santorum, that’s Latin for asshole.” Read more on Nebraskan Who Said Funny Thing About Rick Santorum Will Run For Senate…
  snowbilly book news

Todd Palin’s Alleged Prostitute Releasing Exciting Book About Sex With Todd Palin

Somehow, the Wasilla gravy train has finally run out of steam. What else can explain Todd Palin’s alleged Wasilla mistress/prostitute not getting a six-figure book deal for her story? America has finally grown tired of Sarah Palin and her snowbilly family’s oxycontin exploits. But, just in case you need a final dose, be sure to buy the hawt new paperback Boys Will Be Boys by Shailey Tripp. (Tripp?) Read more on Todd Palin’s Alleged Prostitute Releasing Exciting Book About Sex With Todd Palin…
  get out of that limo & look us in the eye

Join ‘Michigan Mitt’ Romney In This American Singalong (Friday Fun Video)

In honor of vulture capitalist Mitt Romney campaigning in Michigan today, here’s James McMurtry singing “We Can’t Make It Here.” We heard this on the Sirius radio driving around for no reason today, blood for oil, etc. Happy Friday or whatever. [Buy This Record] Read more on Join ‘Michigan Mitt’ Romney In This American Singalong (Friday Fun Video)…
  impending death plans

Iran’s Stubborn Refusal To Start Building Nukes Hindering Fun War Plans

Here’s a typical variation on the same disturbing/hilarious lede that we see every few months, each time rendering satire useless: “Reporting from Washington— As U.S. and Israeli officials talk publicly about the prospect of a military strike against Iran’s nuclear program, one fact is often overlooked: U.S. intelligence agencies don’t believe Iran is actively trying to build an atomic bomb.” Eh, minor caveat. [LAT] Read more on Iran’s Stubborn Refusal To Start Building Nukes Hindering Fun War Plans…
  how did we survive without the internet?

Important Website Now Lets You Turn Dead Mormons Into Gay Dead Mormons

It was very exciting to learn that the young Mitt Romney maybe baptized the sad ghosts of Jewish victims of the Nazi Holocaust, to turn them into followers of Mitt’s folk religion. Who knew Mitt ever did anything but the kind of vicious 1% capitalism that ruins the lives of countless Americans? Read more on Important Website Now Lets You Turn Dead Mormons Into Gay Dead Mormons…