Tag Archives: wonkette

  misty wonker colored memories

Wonkette: The Doktor Zoom Months

So after a whopping year and a half of doing the mommyblog thing, six months of that on a full-time, Rebecca-owns-my-ass basis, I can confidently say that I still feel like Charlie Bucket at the Chocolate Factory. Except that now I also know just how badly the taffy filters can get clogged with Oompa-Loompa hair. But like that nice lady from Delaware, I’m not a witch, I’m YOU. I am more than occasionally gobsmacked that I got elevated from being just one more smartass commenter on this blog to a position where I work twelve hours a day to help bring the funny. It’s really been quite a rush, and just think — it could happen to you someday, too (except it won’t because I will systematically undermine anyone who seeks to usurp me. I memorized the Evil Overlord’s Checklist long ago, muchachos). But with this momentous anniversary upon us, I may ask myself, “Well, how did I get here?” Read more on Wonkette: The Doktor Zoom Months…
  in which she wishes scott walker on you

An Interview With Kirsten Boyd Johnson By Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Congratulations, Wonkette, your relationship with the Internet has lasted longer than the average American marriage. It is hard to believe you have managed to stay together all these years given the quantity of insults, childish behavior and emotional abuse you have hurled at each other, but this is simply proof of the Bible’s number one rule, “expect the unexpected.” Since Rebecca asked me to write “something” about my time at Wonkette, I will share with you another profound relationship lesson I learned from this website: I could never love anybody who doesn’t make me laugh at least as often as Michele Bachmann does. This is an important actual litmus test I use in everyday life. You should, too, because how is there love without laughter? There isn’t. Just look at Donald Trump. No one struggles to understand basic humor more than he does, and his existence is basically like living inside a jar full of farts. Moving on, I will interview myself about a couple things. Read more on An Interview With Kirsten Boyd Johnson By Kirsten Boyd Johnson…
  cartoon violence

Cartoon Violence Down The Memory Hole

By the Comics Curmudgeon Hello children! Let me tell you a story of a magical time, February of 2006, when a young man, if by young you mean “31-year-old,” wrote to his favorite blog, Wonkette, asking to be an unpaid intern, at 31. Unpaid internships were not a Political Issue then, so why not, right? Anyway, Wonkette editor and actual young person Alex Pareene already knew that this 31-year-old had his own blog, about comic strips, and suggested that instead he write a “regular feature about editorial cartoons, which are, obviously, in the news of late” (because of this whole business). Despite Pareene’s caveat that “I’m not sure if this is actually a good idea or just something you come up with while reading Slate drunk,” that 31-year-old took up the task, and that 31-year-old is now 39-year-old me, and I just went back to look at my old posts and all the links to cartoons are GONE, ALL GONE, teaching all of us a valuable lesson about the ephemeral nature of the Internet. Read more on Cartoon Violence Down The Memory Hole…
  12 shiny wonkbucks to linkins

HuffPo’s DCeiver, Jason Linkins, Vaguely Recalls Writing About This ‘Butterstick’ Fellow At Your Wonkette

Oh, hi, good people of Wonkette. My name is Jason, and when Rebecca reached out to me to tell me that today is the 10th Anniversary of Wonkette, “and some old editors are writing posts about their time there or whatever,” I thought to myself, “Wow. Has it been ten years? Or are one of us, or both, drunk right now?” Turns out all of that was true, probably. Why am I here, today? Well according to this Wikipedia entry I just read, “Past and current guest editors and contributors include Reason Magazine editor Nick Gillespie, Washington Post reporter David Weigel, DCeiver editor and Huffington Post writer Jason Linkins, Gawker editor and The Awl founder Choire Sicha, New York comedian and author Sara Benincasa, Chicago artist and journalist Lauri Apple, Boston Globe political blogger Garrett Quinn, cartoonist Benjamin Frisch, and Vanity Fair online writer Juli Weiner.” What a group of rogues! Except for Juli. Juli is, I’ll have you know, a lady of refinement and distinction. I came to these pages for the first time in October of 2005, because (I think?) Ana Marie was taking time off to write her book, Dog Days. During that time, I met Rachel Sklar, who years later asked me to fill in for her when she was writing a book. That led to over six years of me liveblogging the Sunday shows and writing dick jokes about American politics at the HuffPo. But your takeaway should be: I used to be the person that the hawt internet ladies turned to, when they needed to write books, guys. Read more on HuffPo’s DCeiver, Jason Linkins, Vaguely Recalls Writing About This ‘Butterstick’ Fellow At Your Wonkette…
  time to die

Alex Pareene Remembers None Of His Time At Yr Wonkette

A thousand years ago, in 2006, I joined Wonkette.com as co-editor alongside David Lat. We were not very good at this job, and Lat wisely quit a few months later to go do things he actually was interested in instead. I continued on. I was ten years old and had no clue what I was doing as editor of Wonkette.com, the famous Political Gossip Website. Did it show? (Yes, it did.) Thankfully all the archives and links and images from those rotten days are broken so it’s impossible to actually find most of the inane shit I wrote. Someday every link to everything I’ve ever written will meet the same fate — fellow internet writers, I hope you’re printing your favorite work out on some heavy paper stock, because do you really think Thought Catalog Dot Com is going to keep its domain registration and hosting up-to-date and paid-for forever? Not that printing it out would have helped me make sense of a one-paragraph late-afternoon post making fun of some long-deleted Dana Milbank “web video” seven years years after its publication. Still, my beloved photo of Denny Hastert and George W. Bush in lab coats, lost in time, like tears in the rain… time to die. Read more on Alex Pareene Remembers None Of His Time At Yr Wonkette…
  wonkers can you hear me?

Sara Benincasa Thinks Wonkette Saved Your Life Today

Hello. My name is Sara Benincasa. I am an author of books and a comedian of comedies. I live in Los Angeles. I have been an occasional contributor to yr Wonkette since 2010, when foolish Ken Layne let me write a kolumn called “Barry Can You Hear Me?” I’ve been a reader and commenter since around 2006. Yr Wonkette herself asked me to write a thing about the 10th anniversary of this website, and so I am indulging in nostalgia as I sit on my couch with no pants, exactly as the Lord Gawd Obamarrrr11!!1 intended. And just as Proust had his madeleines, I have my Sauza tequila and Jose Cuervo margarita mix, which I shall consume in great quantities as I proceed down memory lane. First of all, fuck you for even reading this website, which is about as reliable a news and commentary source as the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and, as an added bonus, is run by the Illuminati (Rebecca Schoenkopf is Jay-Z AND Beyonce all at once). You have chosen to waste your time with godless filth-mongering and for this the world hates you, as it should. Now, it is a truth widely acknowledged that the Wonkette readership is a hellpit of weeping sores on the distended “pink sock” anus of Satan himself. I should know. I once was one of you. I remain one of you today, though mostly I lurk in between writing my humorless screeds for feminist killjoy factory Jezebel (as well as young adult books for yr teens! Hooray!). But here is a thing that is true: Wonkette has helped yr authoress through many a boring, dispirited time in her life, and perhaps has done the same for you. And I will submit that Wonkette saves lives. For real. I’m not kidding. I think this website and its foul, obscenity-laced liberal reactionary content has the potential to give people hope and happiness and humor and other good things that start with h, like apparel from Helly Hansen and also handjobs. Here is why. Read more on Sara Benincasa Thinks Wonkette Saved Your Life Today…
  in which wonkette saved the country from moral weakness

Ken Layne And Wonkette Helped Rescue The Country From Doddering Crab King John McCain

It was seven unlucky years ago when a handsome young man named Alex Pareene typed to me on G-chat with a sex proposition: “Save me from guest editor hell,” he said. Pareene, an NYU film school dropout who had recently taken over the politics blog Wonkette from its founding editor Ana Marie Cox, now needed to replace his co-editor. We both worked for Gawker Media. (I’m working there again, now, for the third or fourth time.) My old site, SPLOID, had just been shut down because it did not make any money. (This is a theme that will repeat. SPLOID, in fact, was a copy of my old pre-Gawker site Tabloid.net, which also shut down because it did not make any money. And how many parenthetical asides can a person put in one paragraph, a paragraph that is traditionally supposed to be the “nut graf” that include enough relevant backstory to keep someone reading?) Alex lived in D.C. I lived in … Northern Nevada, yes. Our geographic distance was not an issue, because even if we were neighbors, we are the kind of people who would prefer to stay home and type to each other in little G-chat windows. Wonkette was a little different then. For one thing, we didn’t have bylines. Nobody knew who wrote what, and the site’s strangely antiquated use of the Royal We grew from this mystery. We didn’t have comments, either. Read more on Ken Layne And Wonkette Helped Rescue The Country From Doddering Crab King John McCain…
  the state of the mommyblog is strong

What Do You Get Your Mommyblog For Your Tenth Anniversary? A Brief History Of The Last Year And Change At Your Wonkette

Hello bitchez! Do you know what today is? It is the tenth anniversary of your Wonkette. (Actually, tomorrow is the tenth anniversary of your Wonkette, but tomorrow is Saturday and you will be drunk.) We know this because we tweeted at Ana Marie Cox and asked her “oh hey, do you happen to know when the tenth anniversary of Wonkette is?” and she told us. And you say we’re not real journalists. What were you doing 10 years ago? We were working at some fucking “newspaper” and being full of Sad that nobody had asked us to be the founding editor of Gawker’s awesome new “politics” blog, “Wonkette,” which is not even a word. We had a political “blog”! (It was just on paper.) We made dick jokes in it! And here was this lady, Ana Marie Cox, doing what should have been our job and becoming Amerikkka’s No. One Favorite Forever Crass Broad, and all we could do was sit at our cube, looking through our magic picture box at somebody three thousand miles away typing dick jokes on the Internet, and a dozen or more times a day hit “refresh.” Today we will bring you many Reminisces from Wonkettes and Wonkers past and present. Which ones? Definitely Sara Benincasa and Ken Layne, because they wrote theirs already. Maybe some others! We do not know! A whole bunch of people said “oh yeah sure I will write you a thing,” but we do not know how “reliable” they are. Probably not reliable at all! Ana Marie Cox will not be writing us anything, because she is writing about what it was like to found yr Wonket over at The Guardian? o_O No no, Ana Marie, it’s cool. We’re not gonna #WAR you. OR ARE WE??? (Yes, of course we are.) Read more on What Do You Get Your Mommyblog For Your Tenth Anniversary? A Brief History Of The Last Year And Change At Your Wonkette…
  Winning Because We Say So

Breaking Wonkette Exclusive: Guess The Most Bestest Blog Of The Year (It Is Wonkette, Duh)

Now that 2013 is getting death paneled by that patriarchal sombitch Father Time, all Very Serious Journalists must submit their Best Of StuffTM listicles and reviews so they do not actually have to work on New Year’s Day but can instead nurse their hangovers with some hair of the dog or whatever. While we at this ol’ mommyblog are not Very Serious Journalists, we also too must nurse our hangovers because it is a day that ends in “y,” and so we are pleased to announce that after serious scrutiny, we have determined, with very objective analytics (i.e., a discussion in our sekrit chatcave), the Most Bestest Blog of the Year. And the award goes to … drum roll, please … Wonkette! Let’s take a look at some of our very finest writing what you loved oh so much and clicked and twittered and shared on MyFacePlace to see what makes us The Best, shall we? Read more on Breaking Wonkette Exclusive: Guess The Most Bestest Blog Of The Year (It Is Wonkette, Duh)…
  hot pixxx

Wonkette Saw Dallas From A DC-9 At Night

Just kidding, no we didn’t. We saw Dallas from our Aunt Annie’s house, because of how she lives there. And we saw … some of you! We forget who you were, because of how it has now been 127 years since our Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest Southwest World Tour And Orgy ended, and we are JUST NOW getting up the final three batches of party pix just in time for TONIGHT’S MIAMI DRINKY THING at the Tiki Bar, 1505 Washington Ave., South Beach, at 6 p.m.! We will buy you a Scorpion! Click through for hot pix. Read more on Wonkette Saw Dallas From A DC-9 At Night…
  jew look like a tiger

Wonkette Seeks to Make Out With Every Member of Miami Sound Machine This Weekend

So remember how we said we were NEVER THROWING ANOTHER PARTY AGAIN, EVER, and in fact did you notice that we still have not put up our pictures from our Norman, Dallas, and Austin Wonk Your Face Off Drinky Things and Orgies? They were 17 years ago now, and we are still tired. Read more on Wonkette Seeks to Make Out With Every Member of Miami Sound Machine This Weekend…
  wonkette book club

A Frothy Mix Of Questions, Answers, From Dan Savage Straight To You

Hola! Wonkette is pleased to present a Live Chat with Dan Savage, the Patriot who effluviated Rick Santorum’s name so that now he is unGoogleable in Polite Company. Also, he once licked Gary Bauer’s knob! Also too, he is a gay guy who has been helping straight people fumble their way up and down each other’s bodies for like 75 years now (by our count, Dan Savage is 89 years old, as he had to be at least 10 years older than us when we were 22, but then, weirdly, 11 years later, we were 33 and he was 32? Anyway, now we are 40, so he might be 17. Oh well, MATH). Also the third, he and his husband, Terry, started the It Gets Better Project, which is that thing that made you cry. And also quadrupled, he has a new book! The first seven chapters of it are great! You can ask questions via the comments section if you are a certified commenter (which you aren’t) or via tips at wonkette dot com! Let’s start this bitch! Read more on A Frothy Mix Of Questions, Answers, From Dan Savage Straight To You…
  live news girls

Dan Savage Talks Dirty To Wonkette Live At 1 P.M. Eastern

And you still have OVER FOUR HOURS to buy his book and read at least part of it! That is what we did yesterday — up to Chapter Seven, bitches! — as did Doktor Zoom, when both of us were all HEY, ISN’T THE DAN SAVAGE LIVE CHAT TOMORROW? And then Doktor Zoom thought there was a typo in the very first sentence, but then discovered that diaconate is in fact a word and deaconate is in fact NOT a word, despite the fact that everyone uses it because they are stupid and wrong, and then Doktor Zoom made us promise not to tell Dan Savage he had thought Savage had a typo in his very first sentence, and then either Alex or DDM said he (Doktor Zoom) should watch it, look what Dan Savage did to Rick Santorum, not to mention Gary Bauer, also, too. Read more on Dan Savage Talks Dirty To Wonkette Live At 1 P.M. Eastern…
  businesslady entrepreneuring job creatin

Screw It, We Are Just Hiring Everyone Now

Are you a writer what got no job? Then you will not want to read the following, in which we hire ANOTHER person, as it will probably make you want to eat your own liver. And livers are not like hearts or kidneys. A liver is an organ YOU ACTUALLY NEED! Last week, we told you that — thanks to you, the loyal Wonker — we were creating ONE ENTIRE JOB. (Actual picture, not kidding, of Doktor Zoom at the link.) Last week we also told you that we had seen a hilariously dumb panel about monetizing content for the web, and really their only advice was that, like Politico and Andrew Sullivan, you should charge people to look at your shit. WELL WE SAID NO THANK YOU. Too many of our readers are poor and homeless and covered in scabies and sadness for us to put up paywalls. NO PAYWALL CAN HOLD YOUR WONKET! But we did finally (finally) and thanks to the help from one ShyPixel, put up our annoying little “send us money” noodge. And did you? IN FACT YOU DID. So fuck it, we’re hiring Snipy now too. (Not pictured above.) Read more on Screw It, We Are Just Hiring Everyone Now…
  gender studies

Ladies Don’t Want To Write Op-Eds Like ‘Ann Coulter Or Wonkette’ Says WaPo Op-Ed Lady (Updated!)

Ahem. We have brought it to our own attention that we are whining about a column that is like seven years old. You know what to do with the rest. Hey mommybloggers! Do you ever wonder why more XX-Americans aren’t writing more op-eds in the nation’s “news-papers”? Well, a nice op-ed lady at the Washington Post has broken it down for you: it is because even though they ask ladies all the time to write op-eds for them, the ladies are like “I want to make sure I have enough time to craft something thoughtful that is not not bullshit,” or “I am too busy doing three jobs so I can earn the same as my husband, why don’t you ask him?” but men are like “fuck yeh, I have 20 minutes in between squash games, I can shit out some ill-thought nonsense for you right away!” Why, asks Zofia Smardz, won’t women shit out ill-thought nonsense in 20 minutes so she can fill her section with the level of Thought and Discourse we have come to expect? Then she compares Ann Coulter and Wonkette. Read more on Ladies Don’t Want To Write Op-Eds Like ‘Ann Coulter Or Wonkette’ Says WaPo Op-Ed Lady (Updated!)…
  rod of correction

First Amendment Hero Bradlee Dean Would Like To Give Your Wonkette Some Legal Fees

Serial SLAPPer Bradlee Dean has taken some time off from making high school girls cry, in order to retain a lawyer to threaten to sue your Wonket! Oh Lucy, what have we done now! Well, obviously we have “defamed” him — which seems to happen to the poor man so very often! — with a “reckless disregard for the truth” by quoting him. Just like Rachel Maddow did! Unfortunately, vis a vis la Maddow, a judge did not agree, which Dean’s lawyer Larry Klayman explained was because the judge was not impartial, and he knew that because the judge did not say Larry Klayman was “distinguished,” which caused Godzilla-sized levels of wingnut butthurt. So now Bradlee Dean owes Rachel Maddow almost 25 big in legal fees. WE WOULD LIKE SOME LEGAL FEES TOO, BRADLEE DEAN! Please please please? Let us read their letter announcing their lawyer-hiring (not Larry Klayman for some reason!), together! Read more on First Amendment Hero Bradlee Dean Would Like To Give Your Wonkette Some Legal Fees…
  give me some money

Help Us Help You Help Us!

There was a hilarious David Carr story in the New York Times that we missed in December, about this one-man website The Wirecutter. According to Carr, “Mr. Lam’s revenue is low, about $50,000 a month, but it’s doubling every quarter, enough to pay his freelancers, invest in the site and keep him in surfboards.” Hahahaha, GOOD ONE, DAVID CARR! The Wirecutter’s traffic, according to this story, is about two-thirds the traffic that we garner here at Your Wonket. And if we were making the “low” revenues of $50,000 a month, we would hire four people at $70k plus bennies and still be THE RICHEST LADY IN THE ENTIRE WORLD AND LEAVE ALL OUR MONEY TO OUR DOG. We would not even be working a second job, the papers for which have gone ungraded for seven weeks of this 10-week quarter! Fuck we do not want to grade those. Give us money. But we figure, since it is a lovely Presidents Day slow news day, with stories out there like “Nebraska Senator Mike Johanns to retire” (WHO?), this is a fantastic time to help you suss out how to help us get paid without ending up in CLICK FRAUD JAIL. Read more on Help Us Help You Help Us!…
  The Wrath of Cons

When Is The GOP Response To The State of the Union? When Is The Tea Party Response To The State of the Union? When Is ‘My Little Pony’ On?

The GOP Response to the most exciting SOTU evaris real soon! The Tea Party Response to the SOTU is after that! Marco Rubio is giving the official GOP response, and Rand Paul is giving the Tea Party response. Neither is expected to be as entertaining as that one time when Kenneth the NBC Page gave the response, or when that one crazy lady stared at a point several inches to one side of the camera that was broadcasting to the nation. We predict they will both say, OK, Barry, you won, have it your way! And then they will kiss, passionately. What is the drinking game? If you’re going to get through listening to these guys, drinking is not a game. For one thing, if you are not already soused by now, you are either abstaining, working, or just not trying. Drink whenever you need to, which may be “all the time.” Read more on When Is The GOP Response To The State of the Union? When Is The Tea Party Response To The State of the Union? When Is ‘My Little Pony’ On?…
  DRINK!

What Time Is The State Of The Union Live Blog? What Channel Is The SOTU Live-Bloog?

THE TIME IS NOW!!!! THE CHANNEL IS HERE! As a reminder, some person named “Ken Layne” has written a drinking game over at “The Awl,” so please to familiarize yourself with The Rules. (Corn liquor.) Need a livestream? It is here. We will be back shortly; we are watching the empty building in which #Chris#Dorner is totally not burning up right now, because you know he escaped on a horse to go be Black Zorro. Here are some ways people on the Google (WHICH WE WON TONIGHT) found your Wonket: state of the union time20 bill o’reilly wife cheating1 fema camps1 state of the union1 what time is the state of the union7 time of state of the union2 time for state of the union2 state of the union time and channel1 what channel is the state of the union on2 what channel will the state of the union be on1 what time is state1 state of the union channel2 what time is state of the union2 what time is the state of the union?2 what time is state of union1 when time is the state of the union1 which channel state of union Suck it HuffPo. Read more on What Time Is The State Of The Union Live Blog? What Channel Is The SOTU Live-Bloog?…
  it's the final countdown

Order Your Wonket Nonsense Tonight If You Want It In Time For XXX-Mas

Hey lazy. Whatcha doin’? Bein’ lazy? Forgetting to buy shit for all the people you love? Well you are in luck, because the post office informs us that if we get them your packages by tomorrow morning, your sorry ass will have presents under your heathen, Jesus-less, responsible-for-Newtown “holiday tree.” (Also, WE WILL EVEN WRAP THEM, oddly and kind of home-madey, in two colors of tissue paper, with ribbon! If you pay us to.) Right. So. Go here. The end. [WonketteBazaar] Read more on Order Your Wonket Nonsense Tonight If You Want It In Time For XXX-Mas…
  all quiet on the northern front

Catch-11/23: Being A True and Accurate Account of the Late War On Christmas

For real-time information about the #WarOnChristmas, refer to the Wonkette war Twitter. Ex-PFC Wintergreen was cold. So cold. It seemed so easy to just drift off, but there was fucking Minderbinder screaming in his face, hoisting him over his shoulder, getting him the fuck out of there, man. He could only stare at Milo’s lips, from which no sound issued. The smell of nutmeg had deafened him. He looked down. Where his legs should have been was instead a giant web of cotton candy. He fainted. Read more on Catch-11/23: Being A True and Accurate Account of the Late War On Christmas…