Tag Archives: wonkette exclusives

  They prefer to be called "Bonkers" and "Yip-Yap"

WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE: Let’s Eat Bon-Bons And Braid Hair With The Tennessee Gay Marriage Plaintiffs!

Thom & Ijpe, with creative
On Tuesday, plaintiffs in Obergefell v. Hodges journeyed to the Supreme Court from many faraway exotic lands — Tennessee, Kentucky, Ohio and Michigan to be specific — so that their case, to bring marriage equality to themselves and, by extension, to America, may be heard. If you have not heard about this news, you may read this Wonkette Legal Analysis of what went down in that courtroom! Read more on WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE: Let’s Eat Bon-Bons And Braid Hair With The Tennessee Gay Marriage Plaintiffs!…
  A Journey Into the Mind of Whats

EXCLUSIVELY YOURS, James O’Keefe’s 13 Most Delusional Passages From His Uncorrected Memoir Galleys

Today occasions the publication of James O’Keefe’s first foray into longform prose, with his semi-autobiographical fantasy novel Breakthrough: I Did Not Title This After Chapter 6 In Andrew Breitbart’s Memoir! Shut Up! Jesus! Shut the Hell Up! Even though Mary McCue — James’ publicist at Threshold Editions (an embarrassing division of Simon & Shuster) — mysteriously never sent us the advanced copy she promised, we still managed to secure one for ourselves after a quick undercover sting. Having now read the damn thing, we are here to spare you the $16-to-$26 you might have spent ironically purchasing this book. (But yes, that is a purchase link. Can’t say we didn’t warn you.) After the jump, prepare to enact O’Keefe’s “Veritas Rule” #24: Walk a mile in your enemy’s head. (Siqq, bro! These rules are INTENSE! We’re In Yo Heeeeeaaaaaaaaaaad!!!!!) Read more on EXCLUSIVELY YOURS, James O’Keefe’s 13 Most Delusional Passages From His Uncorrected Memoir Galleys…
  now they will have to defund acorn again

Wonket Sexclusive: Totally Blameless Crime-Stopper James O’Keefe To Pay $100,000 To ACORN Criminal

James O’Keefe—the blonde bombshell who set the conservative world of hidden-camera YouTube movies ablaze—has just agreed to a $100,000 settlement to calm down the unjustly fired (and weirdly litigious about it) ACORN employee Juan Carlos Vera. According to a copy of the deal, obtained late last night by your wonkettes and viewable after the jump, O’Keefe has also agreed to ink an 11-word non-apology apology, that sources close to reality are calling “insincere” and “suuuuuuuch bullshit.” Read more on Wonket Sexclusive: Totally Blameless Crime-Stopper James O’Keefe To Pay $100,000 To ACORN Criminal…
  The Treachery of Images

Breitbarterdammerung: The Final Reckoning

Communications theorist Howard Rheingold coined the term “smart mobs” to describe the potential for technology to bring people together in empowering, creative ways to do good in the world. Consider if you will the Twitter Revolutions in Tunisia and Egypt, for instance. Or, closer to home, the Great Justice that resulted when a bunch of nerds noticed that a tacky artistic tribute to dead poopyhead Andrew Breitbart was mostly filched from a promotional image of a downloadable character for the 2010 video game Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood. Read more on Breitbarterdammerung: The Final Reckoning…
  wonkette investigates

Hideous $3999.95 Painting of Andrew Breitbart Actually Swiped from Video Game

Welcome to a very special guest post by long-time Wonkette reader “Doktor Zoom.” Enjoy! So, you know that painting by David Bugnon of Dead Guy Andrew Breitbart as a Teutonic Knight in Heaven, ready to take on commies, liberal scumbags, and innocent Department of Agriculture employees from beyond the grave? You know, the painting that one actual professional art critic called a “masterpiece of Outsider art, a veritable holocaust-tsunami of bad taste?” The painting that Patriot Depot is selling reproductions of for the bargain price of a mere $3999.95 for a limited-edition 36″ x 48″ giclee on canvas? The painting which The Patriot Update bravely calls, “The Painting Obama Fears?” Yeah, it’s not so much a painting as a Photoshop mashup of a stock photo of Andrew Breitbart and a character from the copyrighted computer game Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood, with a pretty sunset-and-clouds background that probably also came from some stock photo website — no doubt somebody will find that soon, too. (NOW WITH UPDATE BELOW!) Read more on Hideous $3999.95 Painting of Andrew Breitbart Actually Swiped from Video Game…
  wonkette on the street

American Media Hates Peaceful Protesters For Not Being Violent Pigs

Occupy Wall Street has just completed its ninth day — but you wouldn’t know, since America’s glorious free press is too busy covering the Big Stories: “New Ben and Jerry’s flavor in poor taste?” and “Man with broken leg survives 4 days in desert” and “Michele Bachmann goes somewhere, says something”). The anti-American media-fairness group FAIR recently deduced, “The answer to the problem of non-coverage would seem to be simple: If the people occupying Wall Street want more media attention, they should just call themselves Tea Party activists.” Noticing the lack of teabag bedazzlement, the official organ of the progressive movement (the New York Times, obviously) lamented, “The group’s lack of cohesion and its apparent wish to pantomime progressivism rather than practice it knowledgably is unsettling.” Your former editor/Breitbart rentboy arrived in Manhattan last night and is now living amongst these seedy people, with their evil messages of “peace” and “no more corporate greed” — and we plan on writing many vainglorious articles, chastising concerned Americans who are sleeping in a park for not being more like the violent slob-beasts who bring assault rifles to their corporate-backed Freedumb shindigs, which last two hours/until the scooter batteries run out of juice (you know, what the New York Times once called a “platform for conservative populist discontent”). We even made a video! We’ll be making lots of videos this week, because we want to help the New York Times expose these “pantomiming” deadbeats. Read more on American Media Hates Peaceful Protesters For Not Being Violent Pigs…
  sarah palin 'likes' sarah palin

Sarah Palin Has Secret ‘Lou Sarah’ Facebook Account To Praise Other Sarah Palin Facebook Account

Sarah Palin has apparently created a second Facebook account with her Gmail address so that this fake “Lou Sarah” person can praise the other Sarah Palin on Facebook. The Gmail address is available for anyone to see in this leaked manuscript about Sarah Palin, and the Facebook page for “Lou Sarah” — Sarah Palin’s middle name is “Louise” — is just a bunch of praise and “Likes” for the things Sarah Palin likes and writes on her other Sarah Palin Facebook page. “Lou Sarah” even says “amen” to Facebook posts by Sarah Sarah. UPDATE (2/23): The “Lou Sarah” account has been taken down. Read more on Sarah Palin Has Secret ‘Lou Sarah’ Facebook Account To Praise Other Sarah Palin Facebook Account…
  the hill is alive with the sound of awful karaoke

Bob Schieffer Hosts Insane Karaoke Night For Boozed-Up Media Shills

Washington’s most depraved Media Elitists gathered together last night for Karaoke in the Capital, which was hosted by Bob Schieffer and also raised money for a Good Cause. Wonkabout Princess Arielle Fleisher and Videographer/Sweaty Yoga Studio Owner Liz Glover dressed up like Delaware Sex Witches and your Riley Waggaman was coerced into donning the attire of a meatball eatin’ Hare Krishna — together we sang Christine’s favorite masturbation ballad, “I Touch Myself.” Anyway, what happened? Your Wonkette received a strange microphone/reindeer-dildo-shaped trophy for “Best Worst Performance,” but it’s Karaoke so doesn’t this mean we WON (in Afghanistan)? But is there insane video of Riley Waggaman dancing feverishly with random but attractive middle-aged ladies, who just started grinding up on him for no reason whatsoever? Read more on Bob Schieffer Hosts Insane Karaoke Night For Boozed-Up Media Shills…
  soar like the proud eagle you are

TRAGEDY: Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. Has Ended His Bid For U.S. Senate

Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. was supposed to be the FUTURE. Now our paranoid schizophrenic angel has decided to give up on us after failing to make it on the ballot. Pagels called Wonkette, the world’s number-one source for Pagels information (besides that Wisconsin court database) to deliver the bad news. “I’m just letting you know I’m getting out of the race for U.S. Senate,” he said, heartbreakingly. “God bless you.” At times like these it is easy to decide that you will never be elected to office. But that is not what HISTORY says. Read more on TRAGEDY: Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. Has Ended His Bid For U.S. Senate…
  the merrill howard kalin show

WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE: The Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. Interview

We all learned a lot about Wisconsin Republican candidate for U.S. Senate and future President Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. last week. And since then, we’ve had the chance to speak with him, for over a half hour. It was an entertaining interview. Did you know that Pagels is well-versed in most of our favorite conservative issues? In addition to being opposed to homosexuality, abortion and pornography (the “Pagels Trifecta”), he is also a birther, for example. Yet, completely coincidentally, he tells Wonkette in this exclusive interview that he’s also a paranoid schizophrenic! Read more on WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE: The Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. Interview…