Tag Archives: wonkette

  Give until it hurts.

It’s A Nice Day For A Wonkette Online Baby Shower! Your Weekly Top Ten.

Nothing cuter in the world than the newborn baby burrito. NOTHING.
WONKETTE HAD A BABY, WONKETTE HAD A BABY, WONKETTE HAD A BABY. Hey, did you hear Wonkette had a baby? As you read this, Ms. Donna Rose, daughter of yr Editrix Rebecca and her dashing pixel husband Shy, is on her third full day of being a fully formed, bee-yootiful babby, and her Wonkette uncles and aunt could not be more excited. Read more on It’s A Nice Day For A Wonkette Online Baby Shower! Your Weekly Top Ten….
  A perfect day

Lo Unto Wonkette A Child Is Born

Donna Rose Clark
Roughly 353,000 babies were born yesterday. But only one of them was born to your Wonkette. Only one of them was our Donna Rose. She came roaring into this world at 8:36 p.m. on June 11, weighing in at a ridiculous 8lb 7oz out of my tiny and adorable wife, your Editrix who must be obeyed. She (both of them) is healthy, hale, and beautiful beyond belief. She (the baby) is sleeping right now, in her mother’s arms, and while they get some much deserved rest, let me tell you the story of the birth of Donna Rose. Read more on Lo Unto Wonkette A Child Is Born…
  To be fair Millenials ARE the worst

Bill O’Reilly Knows Why Kids These Days Are Stupid And Dumb, And It Is Facebook

News man.
Bill O’Reilly, the world’s greatest news reporter, who has never lied about anything at any time, knows who is stupid, and it is millennials. Why? Because they get their news from these silly sources like The Internet. “Reporting” on a Pew poll that found 61 percent of millennials get political news from Facebook, while others get news from Google News and Yahoo, O’Reilly said, “I don’t know what any of that means.” We know, Bill, it is very confusing: Read more on Bill O’Reilly Knows Why Kids These Days Are Stupid And Dumb, And It Is Facebook…
  businesslady jobcreating entrepreneurin'

Wonkette Buys Human Again, A Queer Gay Homosexual One For A Change

All he needs are some tasty waves and a good attorney
With now FIVE FULL-TIME STAFFERS, your Wonkette is … we’re not sure, but we think half as big as Twitchy now? So if you need a dumb, unclever, rightwing take on stupid tweets telling libtards SNAP and THEY ARE BURNT, we could do that halfway for you! Read more on Wonkette Buys Human Again, A Queer Gay Homosexual One For A Change…
  God and Jesus are the same people you don't have to say it twice JOE

Handsome Joe Biden Knows How Stupid Ben Carson’s Gay Prison Comments Were, Jesus, God!

Do you all remember last week, when Republican Presidential (Hilariously) Hopeful Ben Carson said that we know that gayness is a choice, due to all these dudes go to prison, and they end up doing Guy Sex while they’re in there? And how when they get out of prison, they never sexxx a lady again, due to they have been cured of their heterosexuality, by the guy who runs the prison gang? (He didn’t say that part, but we’re taking it to its natural conclusion.) Read more on Handsome Joe Biden Knows How Stupid Ben Carson’s Gay Prison Comments Were, Jesus, God!…
  He probably spent all the Wonkette donations on drugs

Anti-Obamacare Sheriff Still Hates Obamacare, Says Thank You Libtards For All The Moneys!

We were so excited to hear that the virulently anti-Obamacare Sheriff Richard Mack, whose ass Wonkette readers helped bail out since he has a ton of medical bills and refuses to buy insurance, was on the HuffPostLive. “Oh great,” we thought, “he is going to cry and thank Wonkette and ask us to be his lord and savior, or at least name his next kitten after us, this will be beautiful.” Read more on Anti-Obamacare Sheriff Still Hates Obamacare, Says Thank You Libtards For All The Moneys!…
 

Make These Criminally Good NSFW Gingerbread Cookies

Here is your holiday gingerbread cookie recipe, one I am ever so glad to present. Gingerbread is a cookie that tells you exactly who it is while it bakes because the aroma is very specific and recognizable. “It smells like Christmas in here,” is what people say about your achievement. They mean it in a good way, and it makes you proud. Read more on Make These Criminally Good NSFW Gingerbread Cookies…
 

Trust The Internet: This Really Is The ‘Easiest Peanut Butter Fudge Recipe’

Your Recipe Hub was interested in a food meme making the rounds on social media. Billed as the “Easiest PB Fudge EVER,” this recipe has only four ingredients, and it’s almost as popular as a cat video. Is this fudge easy or what? Is it potentially edible? Can we make this for an office holiday party without looking like a jerk? Let’s find out! Read more on Trust The Internet: This Really Is The ‘Easiest Peanut Butter Fudge Recipe’…
 

Grown-Up Baked Mac And Cheese Recipe For Grown-Ups

Baking macaroni and cheese on a Monday night was a miserable experience. I had to boil water, tear the hell out of cheese, make a sauce, and then bake this whole deal before I had a chance to take off my bra. When I finally had time to sit down and browse through Faceborg, about ten million flame wars were happening in the two groups I even care about. Oh, and guess what else? No elbow macaroni on hand! I had to use the nice casarecce pasta I was saving for company. Read more on Grown-Up Baked Mac And Cheese Recipe For Grown-Ups…
 

Hot And Saucy Hot Potato Pancakes With Homemade Applesauce

In this latest edition of Tyin’ On Ur Food Bag, we can fry day-old mashed potatoes and have some potato pancakes. No one’s doctor will ever recommend fried potatoes, though potato pancakes can and do happen! They make you feel two things: invincible first and then ready for a nap. This is a special and infrequent prize to be collected and savored. Read more on Hot And Saucy Hot Potato Pancakes With Homemade Applesauce…
 

How To Make Spicy Turkey and Squash Leftover Soup

People have gone home. Our memories of a fine dinner with people we care about linger, while the evidence has been scooped into plastic containers and refrigerated. Re-purpose what is left into hot and hearty soup, as fast as you can, before they over-stay their visit and resentment sets in! Read more on How To Make Spicy Turkey and Squash Leftover Soup…
  Perfect With Bobbicue

Y’all Are Eatin’ Collard Greens Up In Here; Or, Vegetables Are Better With Bacon

Collard Greens are an ancient food first cultivated in Greece at least two thousand years ago. It is a mildly bitter, leafy plant widely recognized as an accompaniment to meals served in Africa, Brazil and the Southern US. Collard greens have endured the test of time in many nations because they’re delicious. Your Recipe Hub is well versed in the down-home, howdy ya’all version of collard greens and prepared some for you today. Read more on Y’all Are Eatin’ Collard Greens Up In Here; Or, Vegetables Are Better With Bacon…
  Get baked on shrooms for dinner

Haven’t Put Horseradish And Mushrooms On Your Baked Potato? What Are You, An Idiot?

Consider the stuffed baked potato. Can you see it? Reconsider the vulgarities of hot potato buffets and imagine your potato fully realized, with the addition of creamy horseradish sauce and wine-drenched mushrooms. Now have a wealth of sides. Read more on Haven’t Put Horseradish And Mushrooms On Your Baked Potato? What Are You, An Idiot?…
  Just like your mom never made

Have Some Real Homemade Hamburger Helper That Is Real Good, For Real

Live from Chicagoland, with little time to spare, we are shamelessly helping hamburger make a great meal! This one-skillet dinner is going to mash your comfort button with both thumbs, in about a half-hour. Yes, I am so going there. Read more on Have Some Real Homemade Hamburger Helper That Is Real Good, For Real…
  Drinks Before Dinner & Wine With Dinner & After Dinner Drinks

Come Drink With Yr Wonkette At the Seattle Drinky Thing

Derp Needle Not Included
Hope you Pacific Northwesty Wonkers have your Saturday evening clear, because the Great PNW Wonkette Drinking Tour is on its way to Seattle this weekend. Yr Editrix will be there. Yr Web maven ShyPixel will be there (just look for the orange pixel shyly sitting in the background). Yr Doktor Zoom will be there, and he will have ponies, maybe! Read more on Come Drink With Yr Wonkette At the Seattle Drinky Thing…
  i want to be the girl with the most beer

Seattle Wonkpals, Are You Ready For Your Lovepile?

Seattle, you have been waiting long and you have been waiting hard for a Wonkette Drinky Thing and Lovepile of your very own. You have been waiting long and hard because WE HATE YOU. But considering you are such dedicated Wonkers that you have thrown your own Fauxty Things, and considering also your comrade and our web developer Shypixel lives in Missoula, Montana, which is reasonably close to Seattle, and we wanted to meet him after doing much flirting and sexual harassing in the sexcret wonket chatcave, to which he responded quite positively, we decided to throw you one anyway. (Again, to be clear: this was so we could meet Shypixel, not so we could buy you beer, because of how WE HATE YOU.) Luckily, our date with Shypixel — which has lasted 19 days so far — is still going kind of okay, we guess. Right now we are on an island — a literal island, where we have thrown crab pots at crabs and thrown rocks at the water and thrown our dog at a deer, for murdering — so, you know, whatever. “Date.” Read more on Seattle Wonkpals, Are You Ready For Your Lovepile?…
  if that ain't love then tell me what is

Portland, Oregon, Come Get Your Sloe Gin Fizz, At Your Wonkette Drinky Thing

We don’t think Base Camp Brewing has sloe gin fizzes, but they claim to have a real purty patio, and nice people, and no Pabst. So come on, Portland, and let your Wonket buy you pitchers of beer and platters of fried things, this Saturday, Sept. 20, Base Camp Brewing, 930 SE Oak Street, Portland. Let us call it 6 p.m. to 10ish, because we are one thousand years old. Read more on Portland, Oregon, Come Get Your Sloe Gin Fizz, At Your Wonkette Drinky Thing…
  are you going to san francisco?

We’re Always Drunk In San Francisco: Your Wonkette Drinky Thing Great Northwest Great World Tour

classic wonker
Hey Wonkcats and kittens! A gentle reminder that we will be buying you drinks (or you will be buying us drinks? WHO CAN KNOW?) in San Francisco, this coming Thursday, just six little short days from today! Read more on We’re Always Drunk In San Francisco: Your Wonkette Drinky Thing Great Northwest Great World Tour…
  jerbcreating businesslady entrepreneuring

BREAKING Wonkette Exclusive: As Of Now, Kaili Is In Control Here

Please remain calm
This just in: Kaili Joy Gray has gone MAD with power and promoted herself to executive editor of Wonkette. (Yes, apparently that’s something you can do. Who knew?) Bwahahahahahaha. What does this mean for you, dear readers? Pretty much nothing at all, you probably won’t even notice the difference. We will still be your favorite mommyblog recipe hub with dick jokes. You’re welcome. Read more on BREAKING Wonkette Exclusive: As Of Now, Kaili Is In Control Here…