The Worst Poll Imaginable Is, Indeed, Conducted
Wednesday, August 6th, 2008
“NEW YORK (Reuters) - Women would rather carpool or go on vacation with Democratic White House hopeful Barack Obama than with his Republican rival John McCain, a new poll of U.S. women voters showed on Tuesday.” What the fuck does this even mean? “Carpooling” and “vacationing” are two very distinct acts. So they have asked women across the country, basically, which candidate they would rather schlep to pre-school or, conversely, go to the Jersey Shore with. John McCain polls better with white women, so we might infer that there is some strange demographic called bl… black… black women? HISPANIC WOMEN? Who are these so-called “people,” and why do we never hear about them? [Reuters]
Down is up, up is down, and two plus two is five. In other news, Hillary Clinton had people rolling on the floor of the Hilton ballroom in New York City as she gave a brief, entertaining speech, while Barack Obama gave a “more sedate and lengthy” address full of boring policy crap. Oh God oh God oh God the world has gone MAD, those 18 million voters were right after all and Barack Obama is 
John McCain is such a maverick that he acted like a jerk to a kid who asked him a perfectly reasonable question in one of his precious Town Hall Meetings in Michigan. And then after he intimidated and belittled this very nervous child who wanted to know why he opposed the Fair Pay Act, he went on The Daily Show and referred to her as “a very attractive young woman.” Horrifying video footage after the jump. 
If you ever wondered about the secret lives of pill-popping blondes but were too lazy to crack Valley of the Dolls, future First Lady Cindy McCain will help you out. In her memoir, due out just a few months before her angry midget husband is crowned Emperor of America, she will reveal all of her secrets to staying healthy, wealthy, and married to a physically and emotionally fragile war veteran. In other words, the book will be a sort of Less Than Zero meets 
Barack Obama was on teevee’s female program The View this morning. These ladies are all really terrible and how any of them got famous, historians will never quite understand. So here they are shouting “YOU’RE VERY SEXY” in Obama’s face, the end.
Are you and your mother-in-law still thinking about voting for Hillary Clinton? Well, wake up and smell the Constitution’s great and glorious ball-sack, which tells us explicitly that ladies cannot be elected President. One brave New Hampshire citizen ventures this brilliant legal observation in the Concord Monitor. Read on to discover how Hillary Clinton will never be the president even if everybody votes for her. 
Dear Editor,
GOD, QUIT STALKING HIM: Arizona Gov. Janet Napolitano, who Insiders say is a big deal lady politician, has endorsed Kenyan candidate Barack Obama. This endorsement is subject to change when Hillary Clinton starts crying again, since women are always getting emotional and shit. [
The Ministry of Interior in Iraq has ordered that 
Newsweek salutes Powerful Women! Like Blog-empress Arianna Huffington, Atlanta Mayor Shirley Franklin, and, uh, Rachael Ray. All fine examples of modern female leadership! One went from successful pundit/author to head of one of the most influential lefty sites on the internet, one is the first female mayor of Atlanta (and the first black woman to be elected mayor of any major southern city), and one is a busty television personality whose 
Did you know that there are ten Congresswomen with little kids?? It’s true! Ten ladies strutting around voting for shit when they should be at home raising their poor children! 