Tag Archives: Wolf Blitzer

  A victory for feminism!

Rand Paul: I Don’t Hate Women, I’m An Equal Opportunity Dick

He is genitals blind and will yell at ANYONE
Rand Paul has had a rough couple of days since he announced that he will be the next, LOL, president of these United States. He spent Day One being mocked ruthlessly on the intertubes for the disaster that is his campaign website, filled with misspelled words like “eductation,” ridiculous swag (hoodies and skull caps, Senator? Really?), and a page of “endorsements” from German stock photos. Read more on Rand Paul: I Don’t Hate Women, I’m An Equal Opportunity Dick…
  Non Sequiturd

Sen. Tom Cotton Says Gays Should Be Glad They’re Not Hung

We could just drop gays on Iran. Or Tom Cotton.
Arkansas Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Logan Act) has just about had it up to here with people fussing about “religious freedom” bills in Indiana and Arkansas, when we have far more important fish to fry, like undercutting the President on nuclear negotiations with Iran. Or, probably, Benghazi (Never Forget!). Read more on Sen. Tom Cotton Says Gays Should Be Glad They’re Not Hung…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Warns ISIS: The Ultimate Terror Lies Ahead, And It Is Bureaucracy (Video)

Activate super suction!
Jon Stewart has this helpful tip for revolutionary Islamist groups: “First rule of Evil: Try not to have your acronym remind people of ’70s live action children’s television shows.” But who are these guys, anyway? If you listen to cable news, they’re pure evil, like a cancer, the worst terrorists ever, and UNSTOPPABLE. But what can we do about them? That’s a gimme: Airstrikes, which are, Stewart says, America’s equivalent of club soda. Something on your shirt? Airstrikes! Terrorist takeover of much of Iraq? You know it. And what else? Wolf Blitzer asks if maybe a secret alliance with Bashar Al Assad might be a good idea, to which Stewart gives the only reasonable reply: “You know, it is shit like this that makes you almost regret us destabilizing the region in the first place.” Funny how that worked out, huh? Read more on Jon Stewart Warns ISIS: The Ultimate Terror Lies Ahead, And It Is Bureaucracy (Video)…
  hell hath no furry

Hillary Clinton Confronts French Furry Stalker, CNN Is ON IT

Hillary Clinton has apparently taken the first step toward détente with the Republican National Committee’s ingenious French Squirrel Costume, deftly defusing the sciurid threat to her campaign by shaking his (?) hand and giving the critter a copy of her book. CNN has the hard-hitting analysis, after the jump. Read more on Hillary Clinton Confronts French Furry Stalker, CNN Is ON IT…
  clipbait

SNL’S Fake Ad For ‘CNN Pregnancy Test’ Not Quite As Bad As Actual CNN

Saturday Night Live has a pretty creative take on CNN’s constant, terrible coverage of the missing Malaysian airliner: What if CNN made a pregnancy test? You’d get constant updates, but no real information. It’s a cute fake ad, even if it’s no Happy Fun Ball, but it might have been funnier if instead of the constant “still searching for pregnancy” updates it had thrown a few more jabs at the substance of CNN’s lack of substance, like asking if the pregnancy could be detected by a psychic or showing a hologram of a uterus, complete with Wolf Blitzer turning off the lights in the studio to demonstrate how dark it is inside a lady’s mommyparts. Read more on SNL’S Fake Ad For ‘CNN Pregnancy Test’ Not Quite As Bad As Actual CNN…
  bonus clipbait

Jon Stewart Gives CNN’s Missing Plane Coverage The Hilarious Tongue-Lashing It Deserves (Video)

Jon Stewart and the Daily Show returned from vacation last night, and not a moment too soon, because we really needed Stewart to mock the unrelenting wall of nonsense that is CNN’s coverage of the missing plane. And oh, mock he did. He reminded us that things started out in a relatively sober non-ridiculous fashion, with Anderson Cooper announcing the plane was missing. But then, notes Stewart, CNN realized it had an infinity of time to kill, and they went to town. Read more on Jon Stewart Gives CNN’s Missing Plane Coverage The Hilarious Tongue-Lashing It Deserves (Video)…
  tears of a clown

Michele Bachmann Frogmarched Before Obamacare Death Panels, Or ‘Has To Buy Own Insurance,’ Same Thing

Things are scary out there, you guys. Obamacare has racked up another victim! And this one isn’t just some simple simpleton weeping about losing her insurance that only pays the first $50 for those rare services it actually decides to cover. This is one of our nation’s finest, a leader among men and women, a woman who has been tasked with helping to create our nation’s laws, like the law that said congresspeople had to use Obamacare, and which was introduced by Chuck Grassley for some kind of bad attemt at eleven-dimensional chess, and NOW SHE HAS TO USE OBAMACARE! That’s right, beloved Kaa impersonator Michele Bachmann has lost her government insurance and has to use the Obamacare exchanges, because of how Republican senator Chuck Grassley decided Democrats needed a taste of their own socialized medicine, and now she is history’s greatest victim. Weep, weep, Wonket, for this lady who has to buy her own insurance now. Because of how Obama made Chuck Grassley make her. Read more on Michele Bachmann Frogmarched Before Obamacare Death Panels, Or ‘Has To Buy Own Insurance,’ Same Thing…
  r.i.p.

Adam Yauch Remembrances: Wolf Blitzer Edition

Beastie Boys’ “Fight for your Right” is blasting from @wolfblitzercnn‘s office right now! #MCA — Eric Weisbrod (@EricWeisbrod) May 4, 2012 Everyone is so sad about the death of the Beastie Boys’ Adam “MCA” Yauch from cancer today, just everyone. Wolf Blitzer is playing that song. Wolf Blitzer is playing the Beastie Boys, in his office. Usually someone dies in his or her 40s and most people say “that’s sad,” but some people say, “meh, that person did things I didn’t like or had politics that were different from mine, so good.” That’s always so grating. But everyone is miserable about this death. It’s comforting. Read more on Adam Yauch Remembrances: Wolf Blitzer Edition…
  who what where why argh

Liveblogging What Mississippi, Alabama Think Of 4 (Still 4!) Guys In Ties

Hi. Tonight we are reminded that this country has 50 states and even some territories, and each must have her chance to say, “Ahem” regarding positions of power. It’s time for us to tune in to Mississippi and Alabama (and later, after this Wonkette has gone to bed at 8PM PST or so, Hawaii) and see to what degree its people enjoy the last four lemon and orange Starbursts left in the package, as it were. Already John King is pressing rounded red squares, which means “N/A” in terms of actual information. So far we know that Romney is leading is Miss. and Santorum is leading in Ala. But do stick around, stay awhile! Look at the percent signs on your screen so long that they start to look very strange! Read more on Liveblogging What Mississippi, Alabama Think Of 4 (Still 4!) Guys In Ties…
  oh boy

Wolf Attacks Theater: A Special BLITZER’S BLOG Review Of ‘Game Change’

Your Wonkette woke up at 3 a.m. this morning and has been refreshing CNN’s Situation Room blog every 9 seconds without interruption since, longing for that glorious moment of release when the page would load and there, sitting atop the earlier, lesser posts, would be a fresh new entry to BLITZER’S BLOG offering Wolf Blitzer’s take on HBO’s new film, Game Change. The adaptation of John Heilemann and Mark Halperin’s collection of nutty and occasionally factual anecdotes from the 2008 McCain campaign debuts tomorrow night on HBO, and we’ve been holding off our decision on whether to watch it until reading BLITZER’S BLOG’s take. So here, at long last, is the verdict of Wolf Blitzer’s ghostwriter from the local kindergarten work-study program: Movie picture good not bad. Read more on Wolf Attacks Theater: A Special BLITZER’S BLOG Review Of ‘Game Change’…
  america's greatest pundits

Wolf Blitzer Blog Post Answers Every Question You Had About Politics

Are you confused about how last night’s Republican debate “will play” with the voters of Arizona and Michigan? Or what about politics in general: Are you confused about what politics is? Your Wonkette had no idea about any of these things — all these years we’ve just been liveblogging SportsCenter for each post — until we read the latest installment on BLITZER’S BLOG, in which Wolf Blitzer types nonsense about politics in the exact same hilarious voice he uses to deliver non-news and military propaganda on his daily CNN program. What does he have to say about politics today? Read more on Wolf Blitzer Blog Post Answers Every Question You Had About Politics…
  and this is the official tea party health care platform from now on

Relive the Magic: Watch Teabaggers Cry ‘Death’ To The Uninsured (VIDEO)

Last night’s redundantly-named Tea Party Republican debate was many creepy things, but high among the list of bizarre and disturbing moments was a question Wolf Blitzer put to Ron Paul asking if a gravely ill man without health insurance should be allowed to die. Because, surely — oh, no, wait, hold on there, the audience has some instantaneous vile reaction to share first. The teabagger death panel sitting in the audience has reached an immediate ruling in favor of executing all of the uninsured, which they will express according to custom, in a chorus of guttural screams. Woah! That’s a lot of hate, even for teabaggers. Is it all for real? Read more on Relive the Magic: Watch Teabaggers Cry ‘Death’ To The Uninsured (VIDEO)…
 

Liveblogging Some GOP Debate Rerun That Is Not Actually A Rerun, Tonight!

Tune in tonight as we liveblog, against our will, CNN’s very own amateur porn hour GOP debate edition of Wolf Blitzer trying to cop a feel off deranged hair monster Rick Perry! 8PM ET! Herman Cain will also sex 9/11, Michele Bachmann will sex the corpse of her own campaign, Rick Santorum will sex himself, Mitt Romney will sex the ghost of Tim Pawlenty, Ron Paul will just hope Rick Perry tries to sex his hand again, and everyone else will sex Wolf Blitzer after he gets in a few rounds with Perry. Hooray! Read more on Liveblogging Some GOP Debate Rerun That Is Not Actually A Rerun, Tonight!…
  Machiavellian Maneuvers

Hillary Clinton Quitting As Secretary of State (In 2012)

Scheming frenemy Hillary Clinton tells the CNN people that she won’t be Obama’s secretary of state in his next term, assuming he wins, so this frees him up to nominate Sarah Palin or George Will or somebody. Really, Hillary’s jumping off the rat-ship … that’s what she told Wolf Blitzer, anyway. She’s a Clinton, so you could literally throw her farther than you could trust her, but Hillz says a big “No” when asked by the CNN muppet if she would serve again as Secretary of State. Then, according to the transcript, she barks off “No,” “No,” and “No” when asked if she wants to be vice president, defense secretary or Actual President. Great, we guess? Read more on Hillary Clinton Quitting As Secretary of State (In 2012)…
  what's the donna brazile angle?

Wolf Blitzer Gets Right To the Heart of Shirley Sherrod Scandal

Have you been waiting up all day and night for Washington firebrand Wolf Blitzer’s take on the whole Shirley Sherrod bogus wingnut video White House embarrassment outrage scandal thing, on Wolf Blitzer’s Twitter? Here, America. Now heal. [Wolf Blitzer’s Twitter] Read more on Wolf Blitzer Gets Right To the Heart of Shirley Sherrod Scandal…
  at 25 years you get two furries

Wolf Blitzer Molested By Furry

Here is Wolf Blitzer on Larry King Live Guest Hosted By Paul Begala, For Some Reason, celebrating his 20 years of terrible service to America’s most mediocre cable channel! As is traditional in Ted Turner’s empire of depravity, Blitzer was rewarded for his service with an on-air sex act with the furry of his choice. Read more on Wolf Blitzer Molested By Furry…
  loco lou dobbs

No One On Television Has Ever Smoked Marijuana, It Is True

You may have seen this already, but goodness gracious, marijuana is the devil’s weed and no one on CNN (or Barney Frank) has ever spent a nickel on it! This is very similar to how Washington pundits condemn anyone for ever having sex — including David Letterman, and he’s in New York City! — unless it is fully clothed and for the purpose of procreation. [YouTube] Read more on No One On Television Has Ever Smoked Marijuana, It Is True…
  failure

Watch Wolf Blitzer Be Stupid And Mean Last Night

Oh man… Wolf Blitzer said that Jesus was born in Jerusalem during Celebrity Jeopardy last night. What a heathen! He ended Double Jeopardy with -$4,600, with super-easy questions too. And check out at how snooty he looks when Alex has to adjust his score for answering “Julia Childs,” earlier. Ha ha, Wolf Blitzer. Andy Richter seems so nice and smart. [Politico, Gawker (full episode)] Read more on Watch Wolf Blitzer Be Stupid And Mean Last Night…
  email of the day

Wolf Blitzer Is Dumb Maybe, Drunk Person Says

This *might* be a first, in which someone wins “Email of the Day” as an award, not a punishment: From: Brian S. To: tips@wonkette.com Date: Thu, Sep 17, 2009 at 7:49 PM Subject: wold blitzer is an idiot Read more on Wolf Blitzer Is Dumb Maybe, Drunk Person Says…