Tag Archives: wnd

  sex tips for girls

WND Finds Duggar Daughters’ Secret Of Happy Families. Spoiler: It’s Jesus

Watch, if you can, this video of 21% of the Duggar children as they explain the secret to successful family life, especially how to do dating, or as these gals call it, “courtship,” because only sluts “date.” It’s “dating with a purpose,” they explain, aimed at finding a good Christian man to fill your quiver. And as it happens, the Duggirls — Jinger, Jill, Jessica and Jana — have a book out what is called Growing Up Duggar: It’s All About Relationships, WND would like to remind you, and we are pretty taken with its combination of Barry Williams’s title Growing Up Brady: I Was a Teenage Greg and the most obvious subtitle ever — you mean to say that family life involves relationships? There’s an insight! Read more on WND Finds Duggar Daughters’ Secret Of Happy Families. Spoiler: It’s Jesus…
  dancing queen

Here Is Your Nice Time Big Gay Drag Show Fundraiser, Military Edition

Haha it must be SO HARD to be a wingnut right now who loves the gay sinner but hates the gay sin (yeah, right), who loves the military but hates the actual troops, because some homosexxican service members at the Kadena Air Base in Okinawa just did a drag show fundraiser for an LGBT servicemember group there. Read more on Here Is Your Nice Time Big Gay Drag Show Fundraiser, Military Edition…
  virgin/whore but mostly whore

Wingnut Columnist Matt Barber Decides Feminism Means ‘Please Rape Me.’

There’s this useful phrase, “Not even wrong,” used to indicate an argument that so completely and sloppily misses the point being discussed that it can’t even be assessed as an argument — for instance, a creationist who asks if evolution is real, why don’t we see dogs giving birth to leopards, huh? Not only is that question not right, that’s not even wrong. We mention this because we’re going to be taking a look at the latest brilliant thoughts by crazed WND columnist Matt Barber, who applies his critical thinking skills to a Salon think-piece by Katie McDonough and manages to completely refute something that has no resemblance to anything McDonough actually says. It’s actually rather impressive how thoroughly not even wrong Barber manages to be. Read more on Wingnut Columnist Matt Barber Decides Feminism Means ‘Please Rape Me.’…
  the times they are a-changing back

WND Writer Figures Out Democrats’ Secret Plan To Chaos America Right Into A New World Order

You guys, David Kupelian over at WND has eavesdropped on the secret No Republicans Allowed treehouse and figured out all of the Democrats’ evil plans! We are so busted. He knows that the entire point of Obamacare and really of Obama himself is just to create chaos so that we can grab everyone’s guns and make a one-world Agenda 21 government like we’ve always dreamed of. But unfortunately, Bamz hasn’t done enough to distract or wreck America. Sure, he trashed the health care system, says Kupelian, but he can do so much better than that, like maybe faking an assassination attempt or a terror attack, hmmmm? Read more on WND Writer Figures Out Democrats’ Secret Plan To Chaos America Right Into A New World Order…
  land of a thousand dunces

Ted Nugent: Get More Guns Into Schools So Sandy Hook Kids Won’t Have Died In Vain

NRA board member and bozo birthday boy Ted Nugent, who is still neither dead nor in jail, marked the one-year anniversary of the Newtown Massacre with a WND column blaming the shootings on “political correctness” and warning that unless we arm teachers, eliminate gun-free zones, and do something about mentally ill people — as individuals, of course, not through government — then the 26 dead at Sandy Hook Elementary will have “died for nothing.” Silly us, we thought the reason that we needed to do something about idiots with guns was that the victims of Sandy Hook already did die for nothing. They died because it’s ridiculously easy for idiots with Rambo fantasies to get their hands on killing machines with high-capacity magazines, and even if some kind of meaningful reform of gun laws were to come about (a pipe dream, we know), that would not retroactively make the deaths of 20 children and 6 staff mean anything. There’s no redeeming those murders, no happy symbolic transformation that can give a Ted Nugent a moral justification for shitting on those graves. Read more on Ted Nugent: Get More Guns Into Schools So Sandy Hook Kids Won’t Have Died In Vain…
  pining for the bantustans

WND Smart Man Erik Rush Wishes People Would Remember Good Sides Of Apartheid Too

It’s maybe too late to stop people from getting all carried away, but wackaloon WND writer and frequent Fox News guest Erik Rush just wants to inject a note of caution into all this hoopla over the passing of Nelson Mandela. Oh, sure, people say he was a great man and all, but isn’t all this celebration of an old guy who wore colorful shirts overlooking a couple of key points? On his radio program last week, Rush suggested that what’s really needed is a strong dose of perspective: “You know I hate to rain on the parade here, but there really isn’t a whole lot to celebrate aside from this synthetic symbolism that is being made out of someone who, you know, didn’t do much,” Rush said. “Apartheid went away, great. There are South African blacks who have told friends of mine they wish it was back because the country was safer, if you can believe that.” Yeah, stupid South Africans, why do you insist on celebrating the life of one-man-crime-spree Nelson Mandela? Read more on WND Smart Man Erik Rush Wishes People Would Remember Good Sides Of Apartheid Too…
  Jesus Was A Limited Liability Corporation

‘Jesus Was A Capitalist’ Is Really The Title Of This Tea Party Nobody’s Rant Against The Pope

Pope Francis has been making a lot of liberals feel funny in the pants (the POLITICS part of the pants, pervo), like when he recently said that capitalism is a buncha bullshit (paraphrasing), and also when he touched the guy with the non-standard skin, even though we didn’t write about it. But not everybody is happy about the Pope’s new popery. One such not everybody is a man we’ve never heard of before named Jonathon Moseley, a Tea Party Something from Who Cares. Jonathon Moseley has much special knowledge about Jesus Christ: Jesus was a capitalist, preaching personal responsibility, not a socialist. Totally, like when Jesus said unto his flock “It is the one who is least among you who will work for the lowest wage, and woe be upon him who formeth a union, for I said so. Also my taxes are too high.” Let us pray. Read more on ‘Jesus Was A Capitalist’ Is Really The Title Of This Tea Party Nobody’s Rant Against The Pope…
  bombast from the past

Pat Buchanan Wants To Know ‘Just Whose War Is This?’ Spoiler Alert: The Jews The Jews The Jews (And The Saudis)

Oh, Pat Buchanan, you must be having a fine old time with this Syria thing. There’s a crisis in the Middle East, so let’s see if we can possibly look behind the curtain and see who’s REALLY driving the agenda, because of course it can’t simply be the Obama Administration scrambling to come up with something to do in response to a gas attack on civilians. And you will never in a million years guess who Pat Buchanan, writing for serious journalism outlet WND, thinks is behind the push for military action against Syria, unless you read our headline: SCARY FOREIGNERS AND JEWS. Read more on Pat Buchanan Wants To Know ‘Just Whose War Is This?’ Spoiler Alert: The Jews The Jews The Jews (And The Saudis)…
  how to secede without really trying

Texas Oil & Gas Regulator Getting Ready For ‘Independence.’ You Know, Just In Case.

Texas Railroad Commissioner Barry Smitherman is getting ready for the end of the world — well, really, just the United States — and WND feels fine. In fact, they’re pretty excited about it, the way only wingnuts get excited, because Smitherman talks about economic collapse as what will happen to the rest of the United States, not Texas. And he talks about energy policy as a way to make sure Texas commerce will continue, without the rest of the United States. And when he talks about the future, he focuses on Texas, because he believes there might not be the rest of the United States. See a pattern? Now, before you get too excited about Texas cutting itself loose, what Smitherman’s really up to is just making sure that the extraction industries his commission “regulates” — despite its name, it regulates oil and gas, not railroads — can rip as many resources from the ground as possible as quickly as possible, because profits. And maybe they’re buying some tactical children’s backpacks, too, because after all, you never know when Obama might send in the U.N. Read more on Texas Oil & Gas Regulator Getting Ready For ‘Independence.’ You Know, Just In Case….
  can't something be done about these liberal race baiters?

Forget ‘White Hispanic'; Daily Caller, Fox, Find White Teen Who Is ‘Black’

So, you may have heard about the awful murder of an Australian baseball player by three teens in Duncan, Oklahoma. The killers more or less admitted to killing Chris Lane for the fun of it as he was out for a jog. It’s sick and disgusting. But what’s really outrageous, according to Fox & Friends, Fox Nation, WND, the Daily Caller, and former congresscritter Allen West, is the horrifying double standard of the national media and professional race-baiters like Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Barack Obama, because they aren’t treating this murder of a white man by three black teens as an outrage, like they did the shooting of Trayvon Martin. Oh, except one of the “three black teens” is white. Also, they were arrested and charged right away, not given a handshake and a “Good job standing your ground, dude!” by the police. Otherwise, the two killings are virtually identical. Read more on Forget ‘White Hispanic'; Daily Caller, Fox, Find White Teen Who Is ‘Black’…
  there's no gesture like an empty gesture

Hero Republican Legislator Will Protect Son From California’s Transgender Restroom Tyranny

California Assemblyman Tim Donnelly is taking a brave stand for cisgender heteronormativity (trigger warning!), and he doesn’t care who knows it. To protest the state’s new law that allows trans students to use the restroom or locker room that they choose, the Republican legislator will be pulling his 13-year-old son out of public school. And in a guest column for WND (where else?), Donnelly raises the specter of “Allowing teenage boys and girls in the same locker room, showering side by side,” apparently unaware that schools don’t allow time for kids to shower during P.E. anymore. Disaster averted! Read more on Hero Republican Legislator Will Protect Son From California’s Transgender Restroom Tyranny…
  the projection room

Why Won’t Barack Obama Just Shut Up About This Rodeo Clown Already?

Just in case anyone’s not completely tired of the saga of Tuffy Gessling, the rodeo clown who wore a Barack Obama mask (god knows we are), the always incisive folks at WND have this temporal anomaly of a headline about Obama’s appearance on Saturday Night Live in 2007: “No way! Look who’s wearing Obama mask now[!]” The story is mostly a collection of quotes about the mask nontroversy, plus a clip of Obama appearing in a sketch in which he appears at a Halloween party wearing a Barack Obama mask. WND asks, in all seriousness, Will this man be ridiculed, banned for life after similar stunt? We missed the part of the SNL sketch where the crowd cheered the prospect of Obama getting run down by a bull, or the bit where another performer played with the mask’s big ol’ nigra lips, but sure, totally the same thing that just happened now. Read more on Why Won’t Barack Obama Just Shut Up About This Rodeo Clown Already?…
  one of these things is not like the others

Wingnuts Still Think Gays Are Like Pedophiles And Kidnappers, Because Sex

A couple of short items from Outer Wingnuttia today. Our first is this insight from American Family Association Radio host Sandy Rios, who explained Friday that she understands how the gays say they love each other, but then again, creepy rapist/kidnapper Ariel Castro said he “loved” his victims, and pedophiles say they “love” their victims too, right? And from mid-July, we have WND columnist Jack Minor, who alerts America* that Read more on Wingnuts Still Think Gays Are Like Pedophiles And Kidnappers, Because Sex…
  sweet grifty action

Oh, By The Way, Bradlee Dean Still Suing Rachel Maddow For Quoting Him Verbatim

Noted First Amendment scholar and bff to your Wonket Bradlee Dean knows a thing or two about the media: First, he knows that he can sue you if you libel him by quoting him verbatim. Second, he knows who is to blame (applaud?) for the George Zimmerman acquittal, and that is the media, because of how they broke the law in the George Zimmerman trial? Not the guy who shot the kid, obvs, that guy’s golden, because CLEARLY there is no law against shooting people if you want to shoot them super bad, but somehow there is a law against licentious democracy of the news media, probably MSNBC specifically, who can tell, since his entire column is a crunchy Southwest chicken salad of tortilla strips and beans and corn and fucking nonsense? Like, there are words? And they are in a row? Some of them were at previous times said by “architects” of the First Amendment, and so have some bearing on something? We just know there is a LOT OF WORDS. ALL THE WORDS. HERE PLEASE HAVE SOME WORDS. Like here is just the start, which is then never explained nor explored, it is just there, like beef jerky between your molar and your gums, and it seems to intimate that we should not have a democracy because it causes anti-Biblical behavior, like gays not being stoned to death and girls getting married in gowns of mud. “The known propensity of a democracy is to licentiousness, which the … ignorant believe to be liberty.” – Fisher Ames, architect of the First Amendment Just beeteedubs, we bet the elided part in that quote was, like, “cool guys who are not.” OH BY THE WAY, BURIED LEDE: According to the column’s end note, Bradlee Dean is STILL SUING RACHEL MADDOW. Some people just can’t stop racking up other people’s attorneys’ fees! Read more on Oh, By The Way, Bradlee Dean Still Suing Rachel Maddow For Quoting Him Verbatim…
  american taliban

Creationist & Serial Plagiarist Chuck Norris Shares Insights On ‘A Proper Education’

Remember how last week we all got a little teary-eyed at the courage of Malala Yousafzai, who survived being shot in the head last fall by extremists who don’t want Pakistani girls to go to school, and who addressed the United Nations last week and talked about the importance of education, and its power to defeat extremism? Pretty inspiring, huh? Well, as they say, you know who else found Malala inspiring? Chuck Norris. Action movie star, creationist, and content producer for the internet’s largest repository of idiot conspiracy theories, WND. Chuck Norris admires Malala for her stand for education. To her credit, Malala Yousafzai didn’t even cringe at the thought. Read more on Creationist & Serial Plagiarist Chuck Norris Shares Insights On ‘A Proper Education’…
  stays fabulous even in milk

WND Has Hissy Fit Over Gay Marshmallow Rainbows In Crappy Leprechaun Cereal

Well here’s a fun story where we can enjoy saying the hell with just about everybody, yay! On the one hand, you’ve got General Mills, a soulless megacorporation that is, OK, slightly less awful than many, because gay-friendly policies and all, yes, very nice, and we can get behind that because good corporate citizenship and all, but then they also had this kind of cloying cheesy uber-branded promotion that’s supposed to be for “Pride Month” — but which they apparently only started promoting on June 28th — called “#LuckyToBe,” featuring rainbow-shaped marshmallows in their terrible Lucky Charms cereal. They even got a Belgian website so the URL could be “lucky.to.be,” which we suppose is maybe the most interesting fact in this story. Read more on WND Has Hissy Fit Over Gay Marshmallow Rainbows In Crappy Leprechaun Cereal…
  this way for the butthurt ladies and gentlemen

Wingnut Matt Barber Vows He Will Not Get Gay Married, Even If It Means Death Camps And Jail

It’s Monday, which means it’s time to open up the old email inbox and muck out all the Nazi analogies that have piled up over the weekend. Today brings us a generous offer from wingnut Matt Barber: “Attached is a column submission for your consideration. Re-print permission granted.” Well, hey, free content! Oh, wait, it’s from Matt Barber — bet it’s full of stoopid and hyperbole! And by golly, it is! Plus, we’re not sure we can really use it, since it’s an “exclusive” at WND, too. But anyway, what has our poor delicate flower Matt Barber drooping today? Ah, it is the SCOTUS decision on ghey marriage, of course, which is worse than Dred Scott and Roe v. Wade put together, since not only does it grant recognition to “sin-centric and sodomy-based same-sex ‘marriage,'” it also will have the “inevitable outcome” of leading to “Anti-Christian persecution.” Surprise! It turns out that Matt Barber is going to be persecuted if two ladies can file a joint tax return! Better clear out the slave cabins and the trains to Auschwitz! Read more on Wingnut Matt Barber Vows He Will Not Get Gay Married, Even If It Means Death Camps And Jail…
  Sadvertising

Even the Ads Are Racist On World Net Daily

ATTENTION CHERISHED CORPORATE SPONSORS: The above disgusting manipulation of First Lady Michelle Obama is disgusting, and we endorse its use for two purposes only: Art, and to show everybody what despicable bilge passes for appropriate advertising at WorldNetDaily, a U.S. top-500 website that employs a former Senator and also takes monies from many private companies, at least a few of which/whom may find this ad to be disgusting… because it is! Read more on Even the Ads Are Racist On World Net Daily…
  Stormtroopin

Ted Nugent’s Immigration Reform: Let’s Make Illegals Be Our Butlers

Poopypants draft dodger Ted Nugent loves America and the Constitution so much, you guys! He’s even got a plan to save our land from the flood of Messicans by sentencing all illegal immigrants to 5 years of indentured servitude, after which they can stay, maybe. In a WND column that reads like something a group of twelve-year-old boys might brainstorm while thinking up cool torture ideas, Nugent lays out the key elements of “The Nuge Immigration Plan (NIP),” which really sounds like it should be applied to yer Japaneses, if you know what we mean. HAR! Seeing as how Yr Doktor Zoom is a newly indentured person (and thanks to everyone who helped with that), we are uniquely qualified to assess the NIP. After careful consideration, we believe it is a steaming load of dingo’s kidneys. Read more on Ted Nugent’s Immigration Reform: Let’s Make Illegals Be Our Butlers…
  a challenger appears!

Alabama Birthers Very Excited: State Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore Will Make Obama Just Go Away

Big news, everyone! No, not this stupid WND story about an attempt to appeal a birther lawsuit to the Alabama Supreme Court — that’s not especially surprising, and as always, birthers can go drink a dick. The really big news is that birthers have finally Frank Luntzed their branding: apparently the preferred nomenclature is now “Obama eligibility challengers,” dude. Read more on Alabama Birthers Very Excited: State Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore Will Make Obama Just Go Away…
  E Plebnista

Patriotic WND Columnist Doesn’t See Why Bombing Suspects Get All These ‘Constitutional Rights’

WorldNetDaily columnist Ben Kinchlow would like someone to explain to him just what the hell is the logic of having a government based on the most brilliant freedom-protecting document in the history of the world, the U.S. Constitution, if that document’s protections are going to be extended to people who we all know are guilty of doing terrible things. How the hell is that even fair? Read more on Patriotic WND Columnist Doesn’t See Why Bombing Suspects Get All These ‘Constitutional Rights’…
  'elp! 'elp! I'm bein' oppressed!

Joseph Farah Determines ‘We’ Had More Freedom in 1776 Than Today (For Certain Values Of ‘We’)

Joseph Farah, the editor of Serious News Outlet WorldNet Daily, has a Serious Question he wishes you to consider: “Are we better off now than we were in 1776?” And while the real answer involves glancing at the illustration above, remembering that women couldn’t vote until 1919, rolling our eyes, and saying “Duh, Joe,” we are pretty sure that we would not get paid for this blog post if we didn’t engage Farah’s dumb column in further detail. So sure, for the sake of argument, let’s grant that Farah might grudgingly extend to the ladies and the dusky-hued savages the same level of freedom that white men had in 1776, and further assume that he doesn’t literally want us to return to 18th-century levels of medicine and technology, either — which are pretty big concessions, considering that Farah doesn’t mention any of these trivial details of the material realities of life in colonial America, which he insists “wasn’t all that bad.” Let’s even assume that we could somehow shoehorn most of the good stuff about today’s material reality into the political and economic norms of 1776 — or really, 1791, since Farah immediately shifts the goalposts to a discussion of “constitutionally protected rights we secured through the War of Independence,” as if the Bill of Rights had magically appeared when Jesus handed the Constitution to George Washington. Which is to say, Farah is engaging in historical & cultural fantasy from the get-go, but sure, we’ll play along. Read more on Joseph Farah Determines ‘We’ Had More Freedom in 1776 Than Today (For Certain Values Of ‘We’)…