Tag Archives: witchcraft

  Now with 50% more con artists!

Snake Oil Bulletin: Health Guru ‘Cures’ Cancer With Diet And Detox (And Not Having Cancer)

Salutations, Sailors! Welcome back to the Snake Oil Bulletin, your premium blend of all the latest and greatest in quackery, hackery, and general chicanery. We’ve got a full schedule ahead of us, so let’s nose dive right in to it with some cancer woo. Read more on Snake Oil Bulletin: Health Guru ‘Cures’ Cancer With Diet And Detox (And Not Having Cancer)…
  The House Of Seven Goebbels

Sundays With The Christianists: Why ‘The Scarlet Letter’ Is Bad For Jesus And America

Of course there's a manga version
It’s Pearl Harbor Day, so what more fitting time to talk about an attack on America? Only this isn’t an attack from some evil foreign empire (redundant, since all foreigns are evil) but from within. As we’re learning from wingnut radio preacher and homeschooling advocate Kevin Swanson, we’re under attack by our very own cultural touchstones — at least those that aren’t the Holy Bible. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Why ‘The Scarlet Letter’ Is Bad For Jesus And America…
  Young Goodman Brownshirt

Sundays With The Christianists: Nathaniel Hawthorne Had A Co-Author. Was It Satan?

We just like saying 'Gish'
If it’s Sunday, this must be Christianists! Time to get all literary again, as we learn how Nathaniel Hawthorne is personally responsible for destroying Christianity in America, at least according to homeschooling advocate and radio preacher Kevin Swanson and his intellectual e-book masterpiece Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West. Swanson documents, in irrefutable detail, how pretty much everything we think of as “Western Culture” has actually been part of an assault on Christianity, from Thomas Aquinas to Disney. (OK, Disney isn’t in the book. But Swanson does think Disney movies will make your kids become gay witches.) Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Nathaniel Hawthorne Had A Co-Author. Was It Satan?…
  The Power Of Christ Compelled Him

Silly Oklahoma Christian, You Are Supposed To Burn The Witch, Not Behead Him

If beheading was good enough for Leonora Dori Galigai, it's good enough for college guys who play Magic: The Gathering
OMG there’s been another religiously motivated beheading (fine, near-beheading) in Oklahoma! In Stillwater on Wednesday, 21-year-old Isaiah Zoar Marin had been watching a whole bunch of YouTube videos about Christianity, when apparently, the Spirit of the Lord drove him to take literally the infallible word of God in Exodus 22:18: “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.” Read more on Silly Oklahoma Christian, You Are Supposed To Burn The Witch, Not Behead Him…
  'tough bananas!' is our new catchphrase

Radio Preacher Kevin Swanson: Did I Say Gay? I Meant Disney’s ‘Frozen’ Will Make Your Kid A Witch. A Gay Witch

So a couple weeks back we looked at how Colorado radio preacher Kevin Swanson had figured out that Disney’s Frozen is turning kids gay, because it just does, OK? Well, apparently Rev. Swanson simply can’t Let It Go, Let It Go, because now he’s identified another danger that Frozen and other movies pose to kids: these demonic kid flicks are leading children to practice witchcraft, which is a totally real thing, and are also part of Hollywood’s sinister agenda to turn children away from God, as opposed to simply making buttloads of money. Read more on Radio Preacher Kevin Swanson: Did I Say Gay? I Meant Disney’s ‘Frozen’ Will Make Your Kid A Witch. A Gay Witch…
  it's pat!

Pat Robertson’s Sex Tips Just Keep Getting Weirder

It’s almost as if Pat Robertson knows exactly what he’s doing, even as you’re sure he’s clueless. Case in point: On Monday, a caller to the 700 Fight Club teevee program asked what to do about a question that he has been sitting on, quite uncomfortably, for some time: “Before I met my wife, I fell in love with a beautiful woman and had a relationship for six months,” the man said. “We broke up after she told me she was transsexual.” “What should I do?” he asked. “What you should do is keep your mouth shut,” Robertson advised. Yeah, he totally knows what he’s doing here. If not between the sheets. (Speaking of which, fortune cookies are witchcraft, and of the devil.) Read more on Pat Robertson’s Sex Tips Just Keep Getting Weirder…
  bewitched

Witch Endorses Cultist

Regretful teen-aged witch Christine O’Donnell has endorsed bland gazillionaire flip-flopper Mitt Romney — or, to the Newt Gingrich campaign, Mitt Romney the cultist. Why endorse Mitt? According to O’Donnell’s appearance on CNN this morning, it’s because “He’s been consistent since he changed his mind.” Uhh. Read more on Witch Endorses Cultist…
  devil riddles

Can You Identify the Candidate Goblins In Our GOP Debate Blingee?

We cannot read through all 1,004 comments from last night’s debate liveblogging — this is why comments are robotically moderated, and why we depend upon you to alert us to spammers ‘n lamers who must be banned — but a cursory glance last night revealed that nobody matched the goblins in our Republican Debate Blingee with their corresponding “real life” candidates. So we are going to deal with this issue using the time-tested methods of American-Corporate Democracy: You all spend a lot of time and energy voting, and then we’ll announce the predetermined results! Read more on Can You Identify the Candidate Goblins In Our GOP Debate Blingee?…
  hollywood witches

Christine O’Donnell Attacks Her Own Witch Commercial, Which Was the Only Good Thing She Ever Did

Some newsroom intern in Delaware lost a bet and had to skim Christine O’Donnell’s latest attempt to cash in on her three failed Senate campaigns — “her 358-page book.” Worst assignment ever! Other than a few hundred pages of generic Tea Party filler, O’Donnell is mostly sad about her own hilarious “I’m not a witch” ad, which she very unconvincingly claims she somehow didn’t approve, even though she’s in the ad, reading the dumb lines, and also she’s copied on all her campaign staff emails approving the commercial. Read more on Christine O’Donnell Attacks Her Own Witch Commercial, Which Was the Only Good Thing She Ever Did…
  christine didn't go 'anywhere'

Christine O’Donnell Reminds Everyone She Still Wants Some of Their Money

Oh, look what nonsense is filling up our inbox already this morning! Unemployed sorceress Christine O’Donnell is out and about grifting with the pros these days, hawking her new memoir that some Tea Party guy thinks you should buy out of “love and support” for this person you had almost entirely forgotten existed until she started whining to everyone again that she still does not have that job America owes her. Christine knows all about our founding fathers, probably not like some other unemployed grifters you may have heard about, and would you please reward Christine now? Read more on Christine O’Donnell Reminds Everyone She Still Wants Some of Their Money…
  wheels within wheels

‘Witchcraft In the White House’ Writer Punks TownHall.com

The important blog Town Hall helps nervous lower-middle-class old white people believe “conservatism” has something to do with them instead of being a three-decade policy of siphoning away their minimal wealth and giving it to the richest 1%. With this mission in mind, TownHall.com publishes absolutely any fringe-wingnut op-ed writer it can find, including fired-by-everybody-else has-beens like Ann Coulter. So it wasn’t really surprising when the “#1 conservative website” had a bizarre opinion piece claiming that Barack Obama’s mother-in-law was practicing some kind of freaky Mexican-Colored voodoo in the White House. Wonkette wrote about it, the author of the piece sent an angry email to Wonkette, the email was immediately published, and hundreds of Wonkette commenters had a delightful time of it all. But who was this mysterious wingnut writer? Read more on ‘Witchcraft In the White House’ Writer Punks TownHall.com…
  'i'm not a witch'

Christine O’Donnell’s Hawt Witch Porno, ‘Trouble Maker,’ Drops August 16

Unemployed nobody Christine O’Donnell used to masturbate in a “witch costume” just like any uptight gal in the 1980s, but her dumb new ghost-written book — witch-written book? — won’t be about anything good like that. Instead, this nincompoop lady will have her picture on a book about “what it takes to make America great again.” Read more on Christine O’Donnell’s Hawt Witch Porno, ‘Trouble Maker,’ Drops August 16…
  there's a conspiracy by everyone to not like her!

Christine O’Donnell: FBI Is Under Spell of Evil Warlock Joe Biden

Christine O’Donnell has put out a press release about her investigation by the FBI for misuse of her campaign funds, spent on personal expenses and a hovel-condo where she cooked lost children, presumably. Somehow, the press has not taken this statement and immediately reprinted the important facts it has brought to light. “So given that the King of the Delaware Political Establishment just so happens to be the Vice President of the most liberal Presidential administration in U.S. history, it is no surprise that misuse and abuse of the FBI would not be off the table.” Aha! Joe Biden has mixed up and fed to the unassuming FBI a potion that makes them go after only America’s very best patriots. Read more on Christine O’Donnell: FBI Is Under Spell of Evil Warlock Joe Biden…
  friend of dorothy

O’Donnell Regrets Witch Ad, Wants To Kill Witches & Dress As Dorothy

Delaware masturbation witch and constitutional scholar Christine O’Donnell finally did another teevee interview! It is super boring, but we’ll post it just in case you (like most Americans) have a lot of time on your hands. Better to watch a dull ABC News interview with jobless sex activist Christine O’Donnell rather than let your idle hands be led by the devil to your genitals! Because that is certainly not one of the “Five Guys’ Freedoms” in the amendment thingy O’Donnell learned about at Hogwarts. But does she regret the ridiculous “I’m not a witch” commercial that provided America with so much comedy during these long last weeks of the midterm campaign? Yes she does! More importantly, she has been thinking a lot about her Halloween costume. Read more on O’Donnell Regrets Witch Ad, Wants To Kill Witches & Dress As Dorothy…
  o'donnell is flying overhead on her vibrating broomstick

Barack Obama and Joe Biden’s Delaware Witch Hunt

It’s your fun vice president, Joe Biden! Why won’t he get into the SUV-limousine thing like his security team keeps telling him? Because this is Wilmington, and Joe Biden knows every single person in town, so he keeps jabbering to everybody (endangering America). Read more on Barack Obama and Joe Biden’s Delaware Witch Hunt…
  meatballs & broomsticks

If Not For Her Meat Love, Christine O’Donnell Would Be a Krishna

Hello, clown lady, what video delight from the past are you starring in today? Oh, Bill Maher has dug up another clip from your days as a Politically Incorrect joke? Sure, we’ll watch it. We love watching political talk shows from a decade ago — that’s why we always Tivo the Sunday pundit programs so we can watch them in 2020, when we’re in Hell with the Devil. Read more on If Not For Her Meat Love, Christine O’Donnell Would Be a Krishna…
  reblogging maureen

Maureen Dowd Is Your New Joseph Campbell

It has long been whispered in Washington wine bars and Jazzercise studios that Maureen Bridgid Dowd is the heiress to the tradition of the great bards of old, those who sang their lusty story-songs ‘neath the Maypole at Beltane and o’er the bonfires below Tara at Midsummer. In her Sunday column, she turns her ageless eye upon AmeriKKKa’s Hero With A Thousand Lawsuits, Christine O’Donnell. Read more on Maureen Dowd Is Your New Joseph Campbell…
  satan works in mysterious ways

Christine O’Donnell Was Actually a Practicing Witch

Do you remember, a few days ago, when we MADE UP A COMEDIC STORY implying that Christine O’Donnell practices witchcraft? (It was a masturbation joke, somehow, like most mid-September jokes about Christine O’Donnell.) Well, guess what? Christine O’Donnell was actually a witch! But she didn’t “join a coven,” she says, in actual video from the show Politically Incorrect, which is the main source of hilarious/insane Christine O’Donnell quotes from the 1990s. Oh yeah and one time, she says she had a “little midnight picnic” of blood on a “Satanic altar,” as part of a “date.” This is also on the video you must now watch. Read more on Christine O’Donnell Was Actually a Practicing Witch…
  ye shall not suffer a witch

Delaware Republicans Get Their Own Alvin Greene, But With Witchcraft

Sometimes we actually read the Politico “Morning Score” email (we know, we know) and today there’s a funny secret GOP-to-Politico communication within the usual pile of conventional wisdom and links to Politico stories. About nutty fraud Christine O’Donnell’s miraculous win last night, a “Republican reader” (Karl Rove) asked, “Is this what S.C. Dems felt like when they got Alvin Greene?” Ha ha, we guess, but at least Democrats like black people (in theory). Read more on Delaware Republicans Get Their Own Alvin Greene, But With Witchcraft…
  trademark disputes

Crystal Princess Changes Bookshop Name to Avoid Patriotic Encounters

JoAnne Kohler, the proprietor of Salem, Oregon’s Tea Party Bookshop, is changing her business’s name to Tigress Books next month, because she has no time for Real Americans or their “political connotations.” Lately, Real Americans have been coming into her ”wildly independent” literature depot asking for Sarah Palin novels and getting all mad because her store specializes in such things as pagan cookery books and spiritual growth propaganda, plus drumming circles. Um, why did this witchy lady choose such a patriotic name for her store in the first place? Read more on Crystal Princess Changes Bookshop Name to Avoid Patriotic Encounters…
  wicca is not in the constitution

Military Run By Witches! (?)

Bob Barr, the former Libertarian presidential candidate and evil twin of Reverend Jeremiah Wright, wrote a very interesting thing today about how the military is infested with witches and warlocks! Did you know this? Did you know that they are cold dancin’ around bubbling cauldrons on Fort Hood and holding sexy outdoor rituals at the Air Force Academy? Read more on Military Run By Witches! (?)…
  email of the day

‘After 8 years of a president sent by God to lead the American people and rescue us from the horrors of 911 and Islamo-fascists, it now boils down to this?’

Yesterday your Wonkette took its turn to write about the “hot new Internet article,” this thing from Townhall, about how Michelle Obama’s mother Marian Robinson has been practicing Satanic witchcraft — or “witchcraft mumbo-jumbo,” as Barack Obama calls it — inside the White House. The author of this important piece of investigative blog journalism, however, was not pleased with your editor’s dissection of the article. She has sent us an e-mail with complaints and makes a number of provocative political arguments. Read more on ‘After 8 years of a president sent by God to lead the American people and rescue us from the horrors of 911 and Islamo-fascists, it now boils down to this?’…