Wonkette

Oh look, a whole church exploded in “downtown Oconomowoc, Wisconsin” on Wednesday. Why is God (or the Devil) so angry at America, and so pissed at Wisconsin, in particular? The answers may surprise you, as will a lot more spooky pictures of this terrible disaster, after the jump. MORE »

Wisconsin has a bunch of old white ladies who care about health care, and Hillary still lost it. It was her ninth or tenth loss in a row, and now, as “powerful” AP writer Ron Fournier writes in today’s lede, “The Democratic nomination is now Barack Obama’s to lose.” How does failed Clinton strategist Mark “Microtrends and Waffles” Penn spin this one away? We asked our commenters last night to write their own Mark Penn spin on why Wisconsin doesn’t count, and some of the best are after the jump. MORE »

Dashing Barack Hussein Obama was also daring Barack Hussein Obama tonight — he calls out John McCain by name! Usually the way it works is, “some old white grumpy senators might claim” such and such. But Barry hates Iraq and its Emperor McCain with all the Hope he can muster, and he dares speak the snake’s name.

So much for that “don’t start your televised victory speech until your opponent shuts up.” No need to wait for Hillary, anyway — it’s not like she’s ever going to congratulate you for stomping her nine states in a row! Anyway, here’s how the cable news channels react when hoarse-voiced charmer Barack Obama takes the stage these days. Goodbye, Mrs. Senator Clinton, until whatever terrible thing you do to win Ohio and Texas!

The only person surprised by John McCain’s win in Wisconsin tonight is apparently John McCain himself, who was rudely awakened from his daily 19-hour nap and instructed to march out and read the new Republican attack on Barry Obama: We must accept that things are always going to be this bad and probably much worse, so ignore that eloquent young black fellow. MORE »

Why is she still running? Will she just give her stump speech again? Most importantly: WHY IS SHE SPEAKING FROM CHENEY HIGH SCHOOL? Apparently, she will try to get the Republican nomination now.

UPDATE: That devilish plagiarizer Barack Obama interrupted Hillary and is now giving his speech. It is better than Hillary Clinton’s speech, and we will type about it. MORE »

Hillary made it 20 minutes after the polls ended this time to suffer a projected, heartbreaking loss! Yeah, Barry won. Write your own Mark Penn spin.

Indeed, tonight’s Superficial Primary Coverage theme will be cheese, cows, and snow. Anything else? Brett Favre, maybe, depending on how many times Hillary mentions things that were only good in the ’90s. Sports joke! Zing. Anyway, what are the people on teevee saying about the spin, the white woman and the black man? MORE »

Exit polls, we got exit polls, check out these peculiar exit poll figures. Barack’s continuing to cut into her base — “working class” people, and chicks — but Hillary’s retaining everyone’s grandmother. But on the “top quality” for voters, experience, Hillary trounces him with 95% of voters who care about that. Also, it was snowing in Wisconsin, so only snow leopards, evergreen trees and dire hobbits were able to vote. [The Page]

Just in time for Mike Huckabee to lose the Wisconsin primary and every other primary or caucus yet to come (except maybe Texas!), here is another “Obama girl” knockoff video featuring some gal twirling around and singing about her crush on a presidential candidate. It’s 80% dull liberal mockery of religious people and 20% awesome dinosaur riding. [YouTube]