WRITE YOUR OWN POLITICAL ANGLE: “RICHFIELD (WKOW) — Police say a South Milwaukee man drank at least 10 beers at a golf course on state Highway 167, and after being left behind by the relatives who brought him there, he decided to drive himself the nearly 40 miles back to his home…in a golf cart. He did not even take the time to throw the empty beer cans out of the cart before hitting the road in the commandeered cart … The man told Deputy Andrew Meier that he was driving back to South Milwaukee after a group of ‘uncles’ abandoned him at Kettle Hills Golf Course on Highway 167.” [WKOW]

Here’s a liberal Democratic slob named Gary Becker, the mayor of Racine, Wisconsin. “As mayor,” the newspaper tells us, “he has been a proponent of regional solutions to problems in southeastern Wisconsin.” Right on. Also, he fucks children. MORE »

NEW STATE POLLS!: From Time/CNN, conducted Sept. 14-16, in Battleground States. Florida: Obama 48, McCain 48; Indiana: McCain 51, Obama 45; North Carolina: McCain 48, Obama 47; Ohio: Obama 49, McCain 47; Wisconsin: Obama 50, McCain 47. Residents of these states should expect to see an steady influx of lawyers over the next six weeks. Lawyers! And awful lawyers at that, shipped wholesale from outer space in toxic cartons of live rats. [The Page]

Oh look, a whole church exploded in “downtown Oconomowoc, Wisconsin” on Wednesday. Why is God (or the Devil) so angry at America, and so pissed at Wisconsin, in particular? The answers may surprise you, as will a lot more spooky pictures of this terrible disaster, after the jump. MORE »

Wisconsin has a bunch of old white ladies who care about health care, and Hillary still lost it. It was her ninth or tenth loss in a row, and now, as “powerful” AP writer Ron Fournier writes in today’s lede, “The Democratic nomination is now Barack Obama’s to lose.” How does failed Clinton strategist Mark “Microtrends and Waffles” Penn spin this one away? We asked our commenters last night to write their own Mark Penn spin on why Wisconsin doesn’t count, and some of the best are after the jump. MORE »

Dashing Barack Hussein Obama was also daring Barack Hussein Obama tonight — he calls out John McCain by name! Usually the way it works is, “some old white grumpy senators might claim” such and such. But Barry hates Iraq and its Emperor McCain with all the Hope he can muster, and he dares speak the snake’s name.

So much for that “don’t start your televised victory speech until your opponent shuts up.” No need to wait for Hillary, anyway — it’s not like she’s ever going to congratulate you for stomping her nine states in a row! Anyway, here’s how the cable news channels react when hoarse-voiced charmer Barack Obama takes the stage these days. Goodbye, Mrs. Senator Clinton, until whatever terrible thing you do to win Ohio and Texas!

The only person surprised by John McCain’s win in Wisconsin tonight is apparently John McCain himself, who was rudely awakened from his daily 19-hour nap and instructed to march out and read the new Republican attack on Barry Obama: We must accept that things are always going to be this bad and probably much worse, so ignore that eloquent young black fellow. MORE »

Why is she still running? Will she just give her stump speech again? Most importantly: WHY IS SHE SPEAKING FROM CHENEY HIGH SCHOOL? Apparently, she will try to get the Republican nomination now.

UPDATE: That devilish plagiarizer Barack Obama interrupted Hillary and is now giving his speech. It is better than Hillary Clinton’s speech, and we will type about it. MORE »

Hillary made it 20 minutes after the polls ended this time to suffer a projected, heartbreaking loss! Yeah, Barry won. Write your own Mark Penn spin.

Indeed, tonight’s Superficial Primary Coverage theme will be cheese, cows, and snow. Anything else? Brett Favre, maybe, depending on how many times Hillary mentions things that were only good in the ’90s. Sports joke! Zing. Anyway, what are the people on teevee saying about the spin, the white woman and the black man? MORE »